Chapter 2
Ryujin remembers the day after the night Chaeryeong confessed. She had spent the entire night awake, mulling over her thoughts. It was a string of complicated questions she had no answer for. She wondered long and hard but just ended up even more confused and uncertain. But as soon as the sun broke through the horizon, she had immediately sent a message to her, hoping they could talk. At least, what’s one thing clear was she wanted to apologize for her actions. She realized how unfair she sounded for dismissing Chaeryeong’s confession after pushing her to the edge. But as fates would have it, talking to her friend wouldn’t be an easy feat, for she couldn’t believe what she just saw on her Instagram feed a few hours without hearing back from her. She stumbled upon a photo of Chaeryeong and Lia. Instantly her mood turned sour and she almost threw her phone.
Annoyance painted her face and she muttered a series of curses under her breath. Frustration comes in after annoyance and it fills her like a second skin. What was she frustrated about? That the two of them got back together? Wasn’t it a fact she already knew would happen? It certainly was a fact she knew already. But what was she expecting to be this frustrated?
You’re expecting she wouldn’t come running back to Lia, a tiny annoying voice echoed inside her head. Because she confessed, remember? She confessed she’s in love with you, yet she’s back with her.
And as if to agree with the annoying voice inside her head, Byulie came running and meowing towards her, with Dallie on its tow. She snaps her attention to them, chuckling in disbelief. “Even you, Byulie? You agree?”
“Meow,” Byulie purrs, as if to answer her question. Dallie on the other hand, found a spot beside her, and proceeded to stare at her, almost like judging her. Ryujin found it amusing, eliciting a laugh at her cats’ antics.
“Oh god, I must be going crazy,” she mutters to herself before cuddling her cats, trying to find comfort with them.
But if Chaeryeong was stubborn, so was she. She drilled to herself over and over, that the voice inside her head was wrong and that the sole reason she was annoyed and frustrated was because she knew her friend would, one way or so, end up calling her again—crying and a mess. That’s what she told herself, a little lie, because the reality and truth was too much for her to take in.
Time eventually, seemed to have painfully slowed down for Ryujin. Her days were a drag and she was dreading finishing it each time. Her nights were a mess, nightmares to be exact, and with the lack of sleep she’s experiencing, it’s definitely taking a toll on her. The reason? Chaeryeong and her confession. Her little lie to herself eventually crumbled down and she was left with a gnawing feeling inside her chest.
She kept on replaying that night, over and over inside her head, sometimes consciously, on her own accord. But most of the time, it just pops up inside her head, like a broken record.
Tonight was just a normal hang out. At least twice or thrice a month, the whole lot of them would hang out and just talk and have fun. Sometimes over bottles of liquor but mostly just over good food and good conversations. It became a small tradition between the group. Ryujin didn’t want to attend, partly because she has no energy for it, and partly because she knew Chaeryeong wouldn’t attend. She knew attending alone would raise the alarms, after all this would be what? The third time? Yeah, the third time. But not attending at all would even be more questionable. So, she decided to attend despite her entire being saying otherwise.
The night was alright, if she’s being honest. Nothing grand, and just the usual fun stories and good laughs, were shared, but the little announcement of Jimin and Minjeong’s engagement turned the night around. Liquors were eventually served. Boisterous laughters and a series of nonstop congratulations filled the table. Ryujin wished more than anything that Chaeryeong’s with her right now. She knew if she was here, they’d be the first to bail out, only to head to a coffee shop, somewhere silent and calm with just the two of them.
Chaeryeong. Her name alone carries too many memories and before Ryujin knew it, she’s lost from it inside her head.
“Hey—are you okay?” Heejin, their closest friend in the circle, asked her, snapping her away from her trance, and cutting off the specific memory that had just begun playing on her mind.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been spacing out a lot tonight. Are you okay?”
Ryujin shoots her a reassuring smile. “I’m fine, Heej. Don’t worry. I just got plenty on my mind these days.” And reached out to sip on her drink, hoping her friend would take a hint and not pry.
Heejin gave her a suspicious and worried look, but decided to drop it. She then changed the topic, and Ryujin wanted to die on the spot at her question. “I haven’t seen Chaer in our gatherings. Did you two have a fight or something?” Her insides went cold, and sweat broke off her skin. She clears her throat as subtle as she can. “Fight? Why would we fight? Does it look like we had a fight?” She asked, thankful that the crack on her voice wasn’t too noticeable.
“I dunno,” Heejin shrugged her shoulders, “I can’t say specifically actually. But you two always come in our gatherings, like a pair. And the only time usually one of you is present and the other is missing is when you two are arguing—“
“Nah,” Ryujin butts in already. “We’re not arguing or fighting,” she clears up. Liar. “She’s probably busy with Lia.” The name felt like poison in her mouth. It tasted bitter and sour at the same time.
Her friend’s eyes widened, grinning. “Now that you mentioned it, those two have been all over my feed lately. It’s almost sickening—“
“Tell me about it,” Ryujin mutters, her eyes widening at the slip of her tongue.
Heejin laughs at her remark, clueless how much the latter meant it. “But as much as their cheesiness on my timeline is too much. I’m thankful that they seem to be going steady—“ Ryujin unconsciously made a face that caused Heejin to pause on her sentence. She gave her a side eye before continuing. “And who knows, they might be the next one announcing their engagement—“
Ryujin scoffs, a little too loud for her own liking. “You seriously think?” She eventually bellows sarcastically along with a roll of her eyes, and it earned her a questioning look from her friend.
“Woah there, Ryu. What was that?” Busted.
“What?” Feigning ignorance.
“That! That tone.”
Ryujin rolls her eyes, shaking her head. “There’s nothing—“ Heejin stopped her with her hand from saying any further. She’s not buying any of it. “Just spill it. Something happened between you two.” She stated firmly.
“Nothing—“
“Oh come on,” Heejin glared at her another attempt of dismissal. “You may have known each other the longest amongst all of us, but I know you two more than anyone here. And I’m not stupid. So, you either spill it here or—“
“Alright, alright,” Ryujin muttered through her gritted teeth, before sighing. “But not here, not with everyone here,” she added.
Heejin was a little to happy for Ryujin’s liking when they bid good byes to the group, which surprisingly was a lot easier than what she was expecting. She thought they’d have a hard time considering the celebration happening but not that she is complaining. As soon as they stepped out, Heejin linked her arm to hers and dragged her away.
“Where are we—“
“Going?” Heejin finished up to her question, and answered as well, “somewhere you would be right now, if Chaeryeong was with you tonight.” Her answer actually made Ryujin shut up. She got a knowing looking from her friend as she gets dragged around until they reach their destination.
“Sit, I’ll order. And when I’m back, you start spilling or I’ll start grilling it out of you, even if it takes all night—“
“Alright, alright. Geez, Heej. I told you I’ll tell you already.”
“Just making sure,” she grins before leaving Ryujin alone at the table and alone with her thoughts.
Ryujin sighs, finding it hard to believe she has agreed to spill her guts out to Heejin. But arguably, she needed someone that would, hopefully, help her knock some sense in her. Normally the first person she’d go to would be Chaeryeong, but seeing as Chaeryeong is the subject of her insanity lately, she’s definitely out of the equation.
Equation.
“It’s the one thing that’s out of the equation of our friendship.”
Her words echo inside her head, as if she’s just hearing it again for the first time. She groaned in frustration, slumping down at the table and staring into nothing but oblivion, definitely a little out of her self more than earlier.
“Oh shit,” she heard someone say, and her head shoots up, only to find Heejin standing in front of her, with two cups of coffee on her hand but is staring ahead of her. Ryujin turned to look, she shouldn’t have because she immediately felt her heart drop to the floor as the familiar face of Lia, who’s giggling, reveals herself through the entrance.
“And again, oh shit,” Heejin muttered once more and Ryujin couldn’t help but agree because giggling along with Lia, is the reason they’re here at the cafe right now—Chaeryeong.
Ryujin probably froze. Or died. She’s not sure which was which but she’s sure her heart went wild against her chest. Her insides turned cold and she felt nervousness spread throughout her whole body. She wanted to hide, to run away from here but she wondered why that is, what’s the reason. She sighed, a deep heavy sigh.
“Do you—“ Ryujin shot Heejin a look. “I mean, I’m asking if do you want to go over and greet them, to get this over with. Or would you rather wait until one of them notices we’re here and let them greet us?”
“Neither.” She answered, yet her eyes flickered to the couple, but her gaze latched on to Chaeryeong specifically. Her eyes were safe to say, glued to her. She wondered how she was doing, though she can see she’s looking fine and she felt stupid for even thinking of that question. She wanted to tell her she has been missing her terribly, like how she would if only they were on speaking terms. She wanted to come up and steal her away. She wanted to, so bad she felt the need to close her eyes to stop herself from doing so.
Steal her away? Steal? She scoffs to herself.
“Ryu?” Heejin softly called out, forcing her to look away from Chaeryeong. Heejin raised one brow at her and shakes her head, sighing. “You know, I wasn’t really sure what’s up earlier or what the fight was about but right now it’s pretty clear.”
“Huh?”
“When did you figure out?” Heejin asked straight ahead.
“Figured what?”
“That you love her, dumbass!” She said exasperatedly at Ryujin as if stating the obvious, with her hands subtly pointing to Chaeryeong.
Ryujin looked at her weirdly. She was reminded of Chaeryeong’s confession and what happened the day after. She rolled her eyes, and said unsurely. “I don’t?”
“What a load of crap—“
“I don’t love her, Heej. Okay?” Ryujin cuts to her, eyes staring boldly at her friend. She closed her eyes, exhaling a shaky breath and when she opened them again, her eyes now look tired and helpless. “I don’t—I don’t know, okay? Things are complicated…” she mutters quietly, eyes then drifting back to where Chaeryeong is.
“How complicated it is to admit you’re in love with her?”
Ryujin forces a smile and looks back at Heejin. “Friendship,” she simply answered. “If I admit it, I risk our friendship. I risk to lose her entirely. Friendships are as good as it can get as long as you don’t add love to the equation. But once you do, you risk everything.”
“That’s—“
“And how would I even function if I lose the one person that breathes sanity to me?” Ryujin asked, looking suddenly tired, the sleepless nights finally catching up to her. “Besides, there are people other than us that’s involved. Do I look like someone who’s selfish?”
Heejin slumps down to her chair, feeling for Ryujin’s dilemma. The way she sees it, is entirely simple. If they are on the same page, not doing anything is just a way of prolonging agony instead getting over it faster. They’re just dragging people, specifically Lia, to a messy heartbreak they could easily avoid if they’re both honest to themselves and to their feelings.
“Besides, she doesn’t seem to remember she confessed…” Ryujin mutters groggily, almost incoherently and Heejin just caught a few of it. Remember? Confessed? What on earth is it about? She turned to Ryujin but the latter is now fast asleep against the table and just as she was about to wake her up, Chaeryeong walked up to her.
“Let her, Heej.”
“Oh.”
Chaeryeong chuckles a little bit awkwardly and took up the empty seat beside Ryujin. Heejin watches her in curiosity. “She hasn’t been sleeping, no?” Chaeryeong asked.
“Honestly? I don’t think so. The bags under her eyes got darker, and she got a bit thinner.” Chaeryeong pursed her lips tight, worry evident on her face but it was gone in a flash before Heejin can ask about it. She turns to her, “sorry for being MIA lately. I’ll make it up soon.”
Heejin raised one brow at her, “you’ll come to the surprise birthday party for Ryujin, then?” Chaeryeong nodded. “Okay, great. But at least reply to the group. She’s not even in it, no need to avoid us too—“
“I’m not?” But the look Chaeryeong got, had her closing her mouth. She sighed. “Alright, alright. I’ll reply. I promise.”
“You sure you’re allowed to be here? I can feel the daggers from her,” pointing to the direction of Lia, looking at them a little too scarily. Chaeryeong just laughed at her and nodded. “It’s fine. But I better go back, Ryujin’s kind of a sore topic between us.”
“I see…” Heejin mumbles, and as Chaeryeong bid her good bye, she saw her eyes linger to Ryujin’s sleeping figure and she couldn’t stop herself from talking. “Chaer?”
“Uhh?”
“I know this is an unsolicited advice, but stop fooling yourself. Please?”
Chaeryeong was too stunned to speak. She just stood there looking at Heejin with wide eyes as her words slowly sink in. “You know? What do you know, Heej?”
“Just enough,” came her friend’s simple yet clear answer. She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes in the process and exhaling it heavily. She looks at Ryujin, and flashed a sad smile. Oh god, seeing her, made her remember that night. The peak of her stupidity and carelessness. She shakes her head and turns to Heejin. “If things are simple, then it’s much easier to stop being a fool.”
“But maybe one day, when I’m sober and brave,” she adds quietly, nodding to Heejin and spinning around to leave.
When Ryujin woke up, her neck was hurting, which was probably from the position she was sleeping in. Her eyes scan her surroundings and she almost forgot where she was, until she spots Heejin sitting across her. Her first thought was Chaeryeong and her head automatically snapped where she remembered they were seated.
“They left already,” Heejin answered before Ryujin could even ask. She lets Ryujin gather herself for a moment and when she saw her now fully with her at the moment, she finally asks. “So, want to tell me what really happened between you two?”
Ryujin takes in her question, and tries to arrange her thoughts when she speaks some more. “You were muttering something earlier, you know,” Heejin supplies, and she squints her eyes, waiting. “I couldn’t make most of it, but I caught a few words. You said, remember and confessed. What was that about?”
Cold immediately ran down Ryujin’s spine and she couldn’t help but avert her gaze. Her hand shoots up to her neck, scratching it lightly before sighing. “I guess, I really do have to tell you, huh?” Heejin smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She wanted to pry the truth out of her, but she didn’t want to push her friend.
Ryujin sighs, “alright.” She fixes herself into a proper sitting position, sips on her now cold and water downed coffee. “I—she, Chaer confessed.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Uh huh. I figure that part much, especially when she came over earlier.”
“She came over? And you didn’t wake me up?”
“Yes and stop repeating what I say,” Heejin berated to her. “I didn’t wake you up because she said so.”
“Oh,” Ryujin breathes out. She felt sadness heavily creeping up to her insides until it reaches and settles onto her heart. She exhales a heavy sigh and wears a forced smile. “So, if you figured that much, what’s more to ask?”
“What really happened? Why are you two fighting? I mean you’re clearly in love with her, so I’m missing the part on how you two arrived to this situation—“ Ryujin’s sigh interrupts her and she knew then that Ryujin got the question across.
“Honestly? I don’t know. So many things happened that night…” Ryujin mumbled, eyes turning glassy, as if she’s recalling the memory and she is. “I mean, Heej. How do I believe someone’s confession when they clearly had a lot of alcohol, and proceeds to get back with her girlfriend and ignore me the day after? How could I believe that?” She asked, still feeling the hurt she suffered that day.
“Ryu,” Heejin sighed and shook her head, “the question is, what made you think she was just talking about it because of alcohol? You should know her the most by now!” Exasperation evident in her friend’s voice. “What made you think it was just alcohol talking?”
“I—“ Why was it? What was the reason again? She asks to herself. “I—because, I, she, honestly I don’t know!” She grumbled in frustration. “When she called me that night crying, I was up to my feet as quickly as I can even when I was annoyed because it’s the 8th time they’ve broken up—“
“Yeah, I remember. You cancelled on me that day.” Ryujin flashed a tight smile. “I got there and she was a mess, like she has been the past months. But only this time she’s not ranting what happened. And maybe I snapped, because I pestered and pushed her to the edge until she walked out on me.” She recalled, as if watching the memory in a huge screen inside her head. She notices Heejin shaking her head at her but dismissed it. “Things just got messy from there on, and the next thing I knew she was confessing—“
“And? What did you say?”
Ryujin looks away, her gaze dropping to the floor. “I said I can’t—“
“Dumbass.”
“I didn’t know back then, okay?” She grumbled with a glare at Heejin’s comment. “The thought that I might be in love with her, never ever crossed my mind and suddenly I’m hearing her say she loves me? What do I even say to that?” She fired back to her friend. “Did my heart flutter? Sure. Maybe. Yes? I’m not completely sure. Did I get butterflies? Probably? I’m not certain. The bottom line is, I never thought of her as more than as a friend and I didn’t want to say that I feel the same just because she confessed.”
“On top of that she had a drink, a lot. Her feelings, it’s a big deal, alright? And I didn’t want to just take it that easily when I knew how heated things got between us before she confessed—“
“Ryu—“ Heejin tries to butt in.
“But I acknowledge my mistake, okay? So, I reached out. I wanted to talk to her, at least when there’s no alcohol involved—“
“Ryu—“ still no luck.
Ryujin was too engrossed in venting out that she didn’t hear Heejin interrupting her. “I wanted to be sure that night wasn’t just some glitch in our friendship because I had a whole lot of years worth of friendship to reevaluate if it really was just friendship or not—“
“Ryu!” Heejin yells, finally getting Ryujin’s attention.
“Huh?”
“Your heart may not have fluttered or you might not have gotten butterflies in your stomach at her confession, but do you want to know how I know you’re in love with her?” Heejin asked her seriously and she immediately nodded.
“You alway come running to her, without questions,” and Ryujin’s brows furrowed at her answer. “No matter how annoyed, how frustrated, and how irritated you got with her, the moment Chaeryeong calls, you show up and honestly, if that’s not a sign of how much you love her already, then I’d say yes, keep reevaluating your friendship.” Ryujin stayed silent, recalling if there was ever a time she didn’t show up. There was none. Every single memory she can think of, she was there. She would show up, even in the middle of taking her exams or in the middle of her work. She would show up, without fail.
“And the thing is, Ryu? You don’t do that for anyone else, just with her.” Heejin stated, letting that simple truth sink in to her friend. “It’s simple okay? Don’t overly complicate things for god’s sake,” Ryujin’s lips formed a thin line at her remark but kept quiet.
“She laid her heart out and you basically told her to fuck off you’re just drunk. What do you think she’ll feel?” She asked brutally after that silence and added, “the alcohol probably gave her the courage to be honest with herself and risk it, and then what? It was dismissed, by that one person she thought would understand her the most, would know her the most—“
“I get it, Heej. I get it.”
“Do you really?”
“Yes,” Ryujin answered with a gritted teeth. She gets it. How could she not? She got it easily after receiving a cold shoulder from her for days, that turned into weeks and now months. So yes, she got it.
“Then, good. Finally.” Smiling brightly at her as if she didn’t just berated her. “Now lower your damn pride and fix things—“
“How do I even fix things between us, Heej? She’s gotten back with Lia, and like you said, they seem to be going steady…” Ryujin falters, looking a little too helpless than what Heejin is used to.
“I’m not telling you to steal her away and be a jerk, Ryu,” she simply answered. “You’re friends before you started realizing you love her. So, fix that. Fix your friendship, because your feelings for each other isn’t the only thing that’s on the line, it’s your friendship too.”
Ryujin nodded, getting the point across. She sighed, heavily but looked at Heejin with thankful eyes. “Thank you, Heej. I was already going crazy bottling things up.”
“I noticed but just tell me one thing and we’re even. Answer one question,” Heejin said with a grin, looking far too playful than Ryujin’s liking.
“Okay?” She agreed unsurely.
“So, do you love her?” At that question Ryujin couldn’t help but shake her head. She breaks into a smile at her friend’s obvious question but met her eyes that already knew the answer. She sighed, it’s lighter this time around and then opened her mouth to utter one word that would allow her to fully acknowledge what she feels for Chaeryeong.
“Yes.”