Chapter 21
Beautiful and magical.
That’s what you’ve always heard about giving birth. So far, all you’ve been feeling is excruciating pain and sheer panic.
After the water break, medical help was quick to get to you, since you were already at the med-bay. Doctor Nadine got there in record time and after examining you she said you were ready to give birth, despite you hadn’t even reached the 30th week. She offered a C-section, but also said the baby was in the right position and by how your dilation was progressing quickly, she thought a natural birth would be suitable. You said yes.
Damn you.
Ugh, there it goes again.
Your face contorts into a grimace and sweat rolls of your forehead while strays of hair plaster all over. A guttural growl comes out of your lungs as another cramp twists your insides. You grip the hand in yours harder.
“How about those meds now, huh, sweetheart?” Bucky’s sweet and filled with concerned voice does little to soothe you while he carefully brushes the damp hair out of your face. Despite being recently shot, he only snarled at suggestions of resting and letting you be, at least for a moment. Not for a second he left your side and, if you’re gonna be honest, you’re grateful for that tight hold on your hand. “It’s time, isn’t it, Doctor?” He addresses Doctor Nadine, who’s giving directions to nurses.
“Let me check one more time,” She hurries to put on a new glove and examines you as you breathe fast. “Oh, yeah. Right on time.”
“Yes-ah-yes, please.” You groan and the grip in his hand grows even stronger as your head drop back in the chair. As much as you have thought about it before, the arguments to go completely natural seem like a bunch of stupid ideas right now when you’re so close to start pushing and you have no idea how you’ll live through the agonizing pain you’re already feeling, “Just give me anything.” You plea, eyes squeezed shut.
“It’s ok, it’s ok.” Bucky soothes and nods at Doctor Nadine.
“Ok, hun, hang in there. Our little soldier is anxious to come out,” She answers and moves to prep the medication.
After another, and powerful, contraction tightens your belly, you position yourself for analgesics to be applied under Bucky’s protective and vigilant eyes. You glance at him and he gives you a small nod and a sweet smile, offering his hand for you to hold again as he whispers for you to breathe.
Leaning back on the chair once again, you take in a deep and long sigh. You accept Bucky’s offer of his hand, but can’t quite respond to the smile. Yes, you’re in pain, but what’s been worrying you the most is how soon this is all happening. Doctor Nadine said that your body probably wasn’t being able to go on with the pregnancy anymore and that’s what caused the water to break after you exhausted yourself. Despite the assurances that the baby is fine and perfectly ready, you’re terrified. All you want is for all of this to be over soon so you can see for yourself their little face and make sure they’re safe.
Bucky is putting on a serene and strong façade for you, but you know he is just as worried. Nevertheless his presence is calming and a reminder that you’re not alone to face whatever. He’s there with you and he’s the perfect partner for the mission of bringing your child to the world.
“Ok, mama,” Doctor Nadine stands at the end of the chair, “You’re ready to go.”
“That’s it, sweetheart.” Beside you, Bucky whispers close to your ear, “Just a few more moments and we’ll meet our little peanut.”
Yes… he’s right. You finally smile back at him. “Ok.” You nod at Bucky and then at Doctor Nadine, “Let’s do this.”
~ ~~
Push… Push…Push…
Scream.
“You’re doing so good, Y/N. We’re almost there. A few more.” Doctor Nadine encourages you.
Push.
You cry.
“Breathe baby, breathe.”
You focus on Bucky’s secure touch and his comforting voice and push again.
When you feel like you’re combusting in heat, Bucky rests his cold metal hand on your forehead and you breathe at the much needed relieving sensation. Much better than any wet washcloth.
You breathe. 1,2,3,4,5… Push.
You almost crush his hand when the ache coiling your core becomes unbearable. Fucking useless meds…
“Oooo, I can see a little crown.” The doctor’s words make your heart race even more.
You and Bucky look at each other. In his eyes you catch the anxiety and excitement, the same feelings fuzzing your chest.
Push… Push….Push.
“I can’t… I can’t anymore.” You sob, shaking your head, when exhaustion and pain take over all the other feelings that had been giving you the courage to keep pushing.
“Yes, you can,” Doctor Nadine urges, “You’re doing so good, I bet that with another big one or two you’ll be able to see your little baby.”
“One more, my love.” Bucky kisses your temple, gently whispering, “One more… You’re the strongest person I know. You can do this.”
Crying, you turn to him and at the sight of tears misting his gentle and expectant eyes, you nod, before pushing harder than ever, screaming all the air out of your lungs. The most powerful pain and pressure you’ve ever felt washes over you before it’s completely vanished. In a mix of exhaustion and relief, you pant. Letting your head fall back, you notice Bucky gasping beside you.
The sweetest sound of a cry fills up the room.
Your head snaps up and everything around you fades away.
A girl. A beautiful baby girl.
Seconds later, Doctor Nadine places your baby in your chest and you’re already sobbing again. Not from pain anymore. Her little chubby face is scrunching up with feverous crying and time stops at the moment she clenches tightly her tiny fists to the air. You gave life to a child. Your whole heart out in the world. You fall in love immediately. You count every single little finger and she’s perfect. She’s perfect, big, and strong and beautiful.
You know right away this is the magic you’ve been hearing so much about. And it’s worth it. Everything you’ve gone through to get to that moment is completely worth it.
You take your eyes from her to look at Bucky and the expression you see on his face as he watches the little bundle of love in your arms will be forever engraved in your heart. The extraordinary feeling in your chest is intensified by the pure adoration in his face watching your daughter.
His daughter.
He brings his flesh hand to her chubby cheeks and you know immediately you’ve given birth to a daddy’s girl, because her crying turns into little sniffles before it ceases completely at her dad’s touch.
“Our little girl,” He sobs with an enamored gaze stuck on the perfect little creature nuzzled against your chest, “Summer.” He smiles through his tears. “Our little Summer.” His watery eyes find yours.
You frown and, noticing the love lacing his words, a speed up film flashes in your mind. All the pain he’s been through, the life that has been taken away from him, the horror… How he overcame all of those years of cold and harsh winter and somehow continued to be the best man in the world. Seeing the sheer happiness on his face, you realize how much he deserves it. More than anyone. Light is the only thing that should be in his world after all the darkness.
You smile. “Summer.” You forget all the name options you had thought about before, “It’s perfect… Our little sun. Hey there, Summer, I’m your mama,” Your voice is shaky as you look at your daughter and she blinks, quietly observing you and Bucky with her big and already curious blue eyes. Just like her dad’s. You’re doomed.
You turn to him at the same time he does. His forehead leans against yours and, just like the most natural thing in the world, the kiss happens. It’s chaste, pure… and it tastes like forever… a kind of forever you’ve never experienced before. There’s no other intention behind it than to put into action the strongest feeling you’ve ever felt and shared, having your baby in your arms. When it’s over, quickly after it begun, your foreheads remain linked for a little while more and easy smiles adorn the lips of both of you.
After the doctor quickly dries off Summer, she offers Bucky to cut the cord, which he promptly and eagerly accepts, doing it without an ounce of hesitation. When she’s wrapped around a small blanket, you notice Doctor Nadine opening a curtain, revealing those waiting at the other side of a big glass window.
You smile at your friends, your family. You start crying all over again and wave at each one of them. Steve, Nat, Wanda, Sam, Vision, Tony, Pepper, Clint. Your breath catches in your throat at the sight of Bruce, Thor and Carol, who had been long gone into space up till now. Laughter takes over you at the sight of some of them in pajamas while others in tactical gear.
After all the brave but exhausting work she’s been through with you, Summer is already sleeping against your chest when Bucky carefully takes her in his right arm, holding her like she’s the most fragile and valorous thing in the world, which she is, but doing it like a pro, which kind of surprises you. You have never seen him holding a baby before. After taking his time staring down at the precious little person with that adoring stare that belongs to her now, he turns and slowly steps closer to the window.
It’s almost comical to see the group of mighty superheroes come close together to get a better peek at your baby girl. You spot Steve, Nat, Wanda and Tony crying, Sam snapping some pictures with his phone while the others chant words of admiration and stupid grins.
Your smile is just as stupid as theirs.
~~~
Later that night, you tried to breastfeed Summer – which turned out to be harder than you expected and a bit frustrating, but in the end you two managed to make the colostrum start to come out. Doctor Nadine told you she was born with 20 inches and a bit more than 7 pounds, which would already be big for a regular newborn, but it was amazing for a premature baby. She related it with Bucky’s genes but, apart from that, nothing else seemed out of the ordinary. She would keep running tests, nevertheless. You tried not to worry and focus on your beautiful and healthy baby. After all of that, both of you fell to slumber, which you knew it wouldn’t be long before you would have to feed her again.
Now, you’re only half-awake when a low and sweet whispering reaches your ears.
“You’re so beautiful.”
Peering through your barely opened lids, you see Bucky through the dim lights in the room. It must have been less than an hour since you slept. He’s holding Summer, who remains peacefully looking up at him as he slowly rocks her and paces around the room. Still not fully awake, and for completely selfish sneaky reasons, you decide to stay unnoticed for a little while longer and listen to the soft interaction.
“Just like your mama… did you see how beautiful she is?”
You can hear the smile through his words as your heart twirls inside your chest and your lips curl up a bit. A warm wave flushes up to your cheeks.
“I was so happy when I found out you were a girl,” He continues whispering, “Don’t get me wrong, I would love you just as much anyway,” He’s quick to add and you can’t hold back the smile to come out fully, “but then I knew you would be just as perfect as your mama, and you are. I love you so, so much. I’m your daddy you know? And I will always be there for you, to keep you safe and happy and kick whoever’s ass you want me to.”
You suppress a laugh – because you know he’s telling the truth - and he stays quiet for a moment, just gazing at Summer in his arm. You can’t help but notice that, despite not showing hesitation in holding her, he hasn’t really touched her with his metal arm, always using it only as a support for the flesh one. You make a mental note about it.
“Your mama loves you, too, you know?”
You suck in a breath.
“You got lucky, my little sun, you have the best mama in the world.” He smiles down at the quiet and observant newborn, “I’m gonna tell you a secret, but you gotta promise you’ll keep it, ok? I lo-”
Deciding you already have intruded enough in a moment that doesn’t belong to you, you yawn loudly and stretch your arms, making your awaken state noticeable.
“Hey,” You smile at him, carefully sitting up straight on the bed.
“Hey, did I wake you up?” He slowly walks over you.
“It’s ok,” you shake your hand, smiling, “I think it’s about time to feed her again. Is she awake?” You straighten up your neck to peek at your baby daughter, whose eyes remain on Bucky.
“Yes, she whined a bit a few minutes ago, but then I picked her up and she got ok.” He can’t even hide the pride in his words, “You needed the rest, so I let you sleep a little more.”
Moving to the side of the bed, you pat the space you make for him and he promptly sits beside you, always careful in his moves while holding Summer.
Her eyes meet yours and then you become her new object of interest. You wonder if the emotions spilling inside you at her sight will cool down at some point… Probably not.
“Hi, sweetheart,” You scratch her little belly.
“She looks just like you.” Bucky mumbles, not tearing his eyes away from her.
“She has your eyes,” you say, “She’s perfect isn’t she?”
“Yes she is. Just like you.” His eyes meet yours, “What you did tonight…It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I always knew you were strong but that was just a whole other level.”
You have to take a moment to breathe, but you did hold back the tear to run down your face under his intense and devoted gaze. “It was worth it.” You whisper, as your words come out strangled, “I can’t believe we did it.” You add.
He scoffs. “I did nothing.”
You place your hand over his flesh one supporting Summer’s little back, “I wouldn’t have done it without you, Bucky.”
“Yes you would’ve.” He states, holding your gaze to his.
“It wouldn’t have been the same.” You state back, just as firmly as him.
He swallows and nods shortly as a small smile shapes his lips.
“Our daughter… Can you believe it?” Bucky turns back to Summer.
For a long moment, you both sit in silence, admiring the little one in his arms. And that’s when you realize the truth in that old saying… everything happens for a reason. You wouldn’t have changed a thing in your past if it meant you would get to that moment. That perfect quietness among the three of you, that extraordinary feeling of sheer love…
“We’re doomed. She’s got us wrapped around her tiny little finger, doesn’t she?” You cut through the silence and sigh, deeply, as you caress her hand with the back of yours.
Bucky chuckles, but before he could answer Summer starts fuzzing and his little face scrunches up before she starts crying. A loud and angry cry to put her first one to shame as she wiggles her clenched little fists to the air.
“Someone is hungry.” You laugh quietly and reach out your arms.
Promptly, but carefully, of course, Bucky hands the baby to you. He gets up from the bed as you adjust yourself and Summer to start opening up the buttons of your gown and nurse her.
“Can- Can I stay?” Bucky asks tentatively, fidgeting with his fingers.
You look up at him and smile, “Please….” You nod, “Please, stay, Bucky.”
~ ~~
Part 22 coming soon (ish)