Chapter 5
The metallic taste of blood in your mouth is familiar. Comforting even. The sharp sting in your jaw an old friend. Knocked down on the floor, your blurry vision glimpses Nat’s apologetic face hovering over yours. Your sparring partner always looked smug and proud when she managed to kick your ass at the ring, but she knows this time you’re not yourself. You let your guard down and made it too easy for her to knock you out with a killer Black Widow punch. The reason of your distraction? The story she was telling you between blows. About Bucky and Adrianna.
It crushed your heart when she described how devastated Bucky was when he returned from London… he wouldn’t talk to anyone- even Steve had a hard time on reaching for him- he wouldn’t even go out of his room, not to missions, not to eat or train, or anything. Nightmares were loud and constant. Nat said it seemed like before all over again. Everybody knew the situation had everything to do with your sudden departure and evident break up, but he never said your name again. Not since he came back from London…
After a lot of work, it was Steve who, after months, somehow managed to drag him out of the tower and forced him to an appointment with one of the new psychiatrists of the team: Adrianna.
He would only go to the first sessions because Steve intervened, but, little by little, it wasn’t necessary anymore. He started showing up for the meals, engaging in small talk, smiling at jokes, got a haircut. Even if the nightmares continued, his whole demeanor started getting better, and he once again looked like himself. When he felt good enough and engaged in missions again, Adrianna assigned him for a fellow doctor, claiming their relationship had evolved to a personal level.
This was when Nat knocked you down.
“You said they weren’t together,” you spit some blood and, ignoring her helping hand, got up, promptly taking position to start over after cleaning some sweat out of your forehead with the back of your hand.
She regards you with her signature deadpan façade before her eyes roll and she turns on her heels, walking to get out of the ring.
“Hey! Where the hell are you going, Romanoff? I’m not done with you.” You throw your arms to the air.
“But I’m done with you, buddy. You know how I enjoy winning, but not like this. You’re being too reckless.” She eyes you from behind her shoulder as she passes through the ropes and sits at the edge. “Now don’t be a prick and sit here like the pretty girl you are if you wanna keep talking.” She smirks at you and pats the spot beside her.
God, that woman could be infuriating when she wanted to, but you end up giving in, stomping your feet to sit beside her, not before groaning your displeasure, “So?” you arch a brow at her.
“They’re not together, together,” she uses a calm tone to answer, grabbing one of the bottles of water you left at the spot and handing you the other. You keep yours secured in your hand while staring at her gulping down from her bottle, “But they’ve been attached to the hip ever since,” she finally continues, resting the bottle on her side, “I think she’s become a support system of some sort for him. She even grew closer to all of us, and in the end she had to ask for a relocation to SHIELD to keep hanging out and avoid professional problems if she had to work with any of us.”
She takes a moment and just contemplates you, waiting for you to say something. When you don’t do that and just evade her intense gaze to stare ahead and a take long sip from your water, as if the liquid is not the only thing you’re trying to digest, she adds, “I bet you don’t wanna hear this right now, but she’s not a bad person, Y/N. Adrianna’s is actually very nice and has helped Bucky … a lot.”
This tears your already wrecked chest apart, because the reason he has needed help at all was none other than you. You’re the one who has broken him all over again. All the work he had on building his self-confidence again was lost when you said all those things to him, when you made him believe he had meant nothing to you but a burden. And now, you can’t help but feel glad he has found someone that could help him gather the pieces you’ve shattered. But there’s a whole new feeling Bucky Barnes has introduced you to: jealousy.
“And she’s in love with him,” you affirm rather than ask as secure the bottle firmly in your hands, the answer already known to you. “You said he isn’t.” Your voice is barely a whisper when you finally look back at Natasha, who only smiles tightly and nods, “How can you know for sure?” desperation clings on your quivering tone.
“Oh, well, I can’t. I only act like I know everything, you know this.” She shrugs, “But I’ve known Bucky for a long time and I’ve seen him in love before … once” She winks and moves her head suggestively at you, “He likes Adrianna and appreciates her company, but the way he’s with her…It’s nothing like that…”
The tight smile almost curling your lips is quick to disappear, “He won’t even look at me now.”
“Y/N, I know we’ve spoken before, but … what happened?”
She doesn’t need to elaborate. After you left, and the whole team found out where you were, you told everyone it was because it was your dream job and your new assignments demanded you to leave in a hurry. To the ones who asked about it, like Nat, Wanda and Steve you said you didn’t love Bucky like you thought you did. They never pushed it any further and you were thankful for that at the time.
But now there’s something pushing you to speak, a desperate need to get it all out of your chest, so you tell her everything, starting from that first exchanged smile at that party, how hard and quickly you fell for each other and didn’t seem to know how to be apart anymore, the nights spent awake by his side, then the twisted feelings, the doubts, the ring and the panic attack that followed, that day in London… And you talked about your grandfather and how your feelings for Bucky made you question everything you were.
“And like the coward asshole I am I ran away and threw the blame on him. That's it. No secret noble reason behind it, nothing other than I'm a terrible person-” You pause, taking a shaky breath while your eyes cast down, “The things I said to him, Nat… I should go to hell for that. I’ll never forgive myself and I don’t think he ever will … or should, either.”
The room is silent for a moment, until you finally hear Nat letting out a loud puff of air, “Oh, wow… no wonder he came back the way he did.” She seems to immediately regret her words, because she adds a hand to your shoulder, making you look back at her, after you let out a humorless chuckle, “Listen, what you did was messed up, no doubt about it. But we´re all a messed up bunch who does messed up things.”
“Wow, how deep...” you scoff.
“What I'm trying to say is you did the best you could with what was given to you. I can't completely judge you. Our backgrounds,” She moves her hand to your shoulder to fold her arms in front of her chest, “though different in methods, had a very much alike goal…” She sighs “It's still hard for me to understand people can like me… or even love me and I can feel the same. When I first fell for someone, I mean, really, really fell in love, fuck, I almost killed that bastard. Thank God Yelena was a tough cookie…” she says, taking a pause with a flash of dreamy eyes and smile, before resuming, “Yeah, it was a complete mess…”
You laugh softly and shake your head, drawing out a laugh from her before she wraps her arm around your shoulders, “It doesn't mean it can´t be fixed… If that's something you want.”
She let´s the softly said line linger in the air and your jaw tenses before the answer blurts out from your lips while you stare ahead, “You know, when I resigned and asked to come back, I told myself it was because the job wasn't what I expected. That it was almost all paperwork and I was born for he action. But the moment I got here, when I got to see him again, it all came back to me. I understood what fucking bullshit I was telling myself.” You shake your head, resenting the way you kept lying to yourself, “The truth is I came back for him. I love him, I want him, Nat.”
You shift your head to look at her, not giving a damn about the tears running their way down your cheeks, “I’m the most selfish person alive, because I hurt him and now he's better off without me, but I want him back.”
Big startled green eyes stare at you while you struggle to easy down your breathing, looking back at your friend. Yes, you had already come to terms on how you’re feeling, but it was the first time you said it out loud and to someone else. It made it real. You want him, you desperately want him.
Your heart is hammering when, in a slow move, Natasha wipes a tear from your face with a finger, her face softening, “Oh, well… You sound like you need a drink or two, darling.” Definitely not what you were expecting her to say just after you opened up your heart. “Not this poor bottle of water that you’re holding so tight it might crush at any moment,” she rips the bottle out of your hands and your eyebrows raise when a cellphone emerges from an imperceptible pocket of her leggings, “I’m calling Wanda, we’re going out tonight.” She announces, nonchalantly, “We may have a mission tomorrow, but you and I both know hangover missions are the best ones,” she beamed mischievously.
You can’t help but close your eyes and snort before leaning your elbows over your thighs and burying your face in your hands.
~~~
“…and I swear to God, I could spend my whole life eating only gelato,” Adrianna’s eyes flutter and she licks her lips, making a humming sound and turning Bucky’s smile even wider, “The Italians should win an Oscar of best people in the world for inventing that preciosity.”
She giggles and Bucky realizes how he missed the sound. Anna always has a way to make things lighter, to make him lighter, no matter how heavy his chest is, “You sound like you had the time of your life, why did you come back earlier?” he asks, taking a sip from his coffee.
He watches her placing her hair behind her ear with her fingers and looking down briefly, the smile never leaving her face, “Ahm, yeah… yeah, it was super fun, Italy is wonderful, but I really missed it here.” She shrugs and twists her lips, “You should’ve accepted my invitation, you would’ve loved it.” Adrianna adds, putting a piece of pancake in her mouth.
Bucky smiles and nods, taking a bite of one of his own pancakes. He’s been to Italy before, back in the war and he was pretty sure he’s been there when he was the soldier. Not great times to remember. You and him always talked about going there and building new memories together…
“So,” Adrianna clears her throat and cast an eye at the door behind her, taking him out of his trail of thought, “Ahm, she’s back. You never told me about it in your texts-”
“It wasn’t important,” he interrupts her, but seeing her narrowing eyes, he smiles, adding, “Everything’s good, Anna, don’t worry. I’m good.”
“You know you don’t have to lie to me, right?” She insists, worry etching on her face.
Bucky sighs, placing his mug on the table. He knows. He doesn’t have to and can’t lie to Anna, “I don’t wanna talk about it. Not here.”
She brings her hand to cover the one he’s using to keep a tight grip on the mug, “Tell you what, we’re going out tonight. Let’s have some drinks, I ramble a bit more about Italian food and you tell me everything you feel like telling me, how about that?” She offers, smiling sweetly when he looks back at her.
He thinks nothing of the light tremble on her body when he places his other hand over hers and nods in agreement, using his thumb to draw gently circles on her skin, “I’m glad you’re back, Anna.”