Chapter 1
"What am I going to do?" Maya kept asking herself after Carina left the apartment. She stood in the doorway for a while, looking into the empty hallway. Carina's scent was still present and the brief visit made her miss her wife even more.
Maya had worked so hard with Diane to accept that a person can't always win. But losing Carina would be the one loss she wouldn't accept.
She went back to bed and fell into a restless sleep. Her last thought was "I'm going to show my wife that I will do anything for her, for us and for our family".
A few weeks later, there was still no contact between them. Maya had not called Carina again. She had accepted that a process was taking place that needed time. Not only did Carina need time, she needed time too. She was aware of that now. She just hoped that Carina was doing well.
With the help of her therapy sessions, she noticed that she was now working through things that she had repressed. She was questioning things that she had taken for granted her whole life. Learned things about herself that she would never have realized otherwise. She worked hard on herself.
After some time, she started light training again. She didn't find it difficult to respect the limits she had set for herself, human limits. Maya felt better.
But one piece was missing. Her wife, the love of her life. Now that she had spent all this time dealing with herself, it was time to come up with a plan.
Ben had told her that Carina had the early shift the next day. Maya, very nervous despite this knowledge, slipped into her office. She placed a letter in the middle of the desk and left the hospital as quickly as she had come in.
The next morning, Carina stepped into her office, coffee in one hand and her bag in the other. She sat down and just as she was about to pull out the paper she hadn't managed to read the day before, she saw the letter in front of her. Carina was written on the envelope. She would have recognized this handwriting out of thousands. She knew the letter had been written by her wife. Her Maya.
With trembling hands, after nine painful weeks without contact - apart from the brief meeting in her apartment - this was the moment of truth for Carina, and she opened the letter.
My Love,
For a long time I did not know how to begin these lines. How to contact you, how not to overstep this one boundary you have set for me, to give you time and space.
Both time and space are strange things. We learnt at school that both are relative. For a long time I didn't know what that meant. Today I know. The last nine weeks have been the longest nine weeks of my life, and the apartment without you, your things, your presence seemed bigger than ever. Bigger, but also emptier. I miss you!
I miss you.
I'm not good with words, I never have been and you know that. But in the last few weeks, I've realized that I've been using that as an excuse. Always. I'm Maya Bishop, I don't talk about feelings.
Diane has helped me to see all this. She doesn't know me well. Or better: knew me well. I told her things I'd never told anyone before. Things that I had locked away in my heart. That's why I was never being able to show you all my love, couldn't give you all my love. No matter how much I wanted to.
There is still a long way to go, I know that. But at least I know I am on the right path. Always hoping to meet you along the way. Hoping that you will give me the chance to prove myself to you, hoping that I will be allowed to share your time and be in your space again. Because I miss you Carina.
I miss you.
I will continue to give you the time you need. Please take it. I'm not rushing you. I hope that someday you will give me a chance to apologize to you.
I will wait.
For you.
Forever.
I love you,
Maya
Carina could not hold back her tears. She cried. She cried for Maya, for her marriage and for herself. She missed her wife so much and she felt, she knew, that this letter was a big, important step in the right direction.
Only then did she see that there was also something written on the back of the letter. When she read what it said, it took her breath away for a moment.
PS: At first I couldn't stand it when I accidentally turned on the shared Spotify playlist of Italian music. The playlist you sent me, saying: I need to get to know and appreciate your culture. To know and appreciate Italy. After a while I listened to some of the songs. The ones I liked the most, I tried to translate, tried to understand.
Many of them really touched me.
Meraviglioso
perfino il tuo dolore
potrà guarire poi
Meraviglioso
Ma guarda intorno a te
che doni ti hanno fatto:
ti hanno inventato
il mare.
Tu dici non ho niente
Ti sembra niente il sole!
La vita
l'amore
Meraviglioso
il bene di una donna
che ama solo te
meraviglioso
La luce di un mattino
l'abbraccio di un amico
il viso di un bambino
Meraviglioso
Meraviglioso
I have only now realized that I have not shown you enough: How much you mean to me. How much I appreciate you. How much I love you.
I'm so sorry.
Ti amo.
Carina knew that everything was far from over.
Nevertheless, she picked up her phone and she dialed the contact whose name she had looked at so many times in the last weeks.
After the first ring, the call was answered.
„Bambina, I'm coming home.”