And the things I did to avoid processing the grief Part I
“James?” Rhodey’s mother shook him awake.
“Hmm? Let me sleep… it’s break…” Rhodey grumbled and buried his face in his pillow.
“James this is important,” His mother shook him a little harder, “When was the last time you talked to Tony? Did he call you last night?”
Rhodey sat up slowly, “No. Why?”
There was a sense of urgency in his mother’s tone that he did not like.
Rhodey looked into his mother’s deeply distressed eyes.
“Mom what happened?”
Rhodey sat up more alertly.
“The morning paper…” His mother, “James, Tony’s parents were killed in a car accident last night.”
“WHAT?!” Rhodey was suddenly very awake. He leapt out of bed, and pulling his pants on faster than he had ever done before, “Why the hell didn’t he call me?!”
“I don’t know James,” His mother replied slowly.
“I’m driving over there,” Rhodey said quickly and grabbed his keys off his dresser, “Love you ma.”
“Make sure you call me!” his mother called after him as he dashed out of his room.
The tires slid across the gravel as Rhodey skidded to a stop in front of the Stark house. He didn't even bother closing his car door before bolting up the stairs of the house. There was something horribly wrong. The lack of sound coming from house sent up a million red flags. This was all wrong. Rhodey wrapped his his against the door. It open on it’s own.
“Tony?!” Rhodey’s call echoed through the dark house, “Tony where the hell are you?”
Only silence replied to Rhodey’s shout. Every passing second of silence set new ripples of fear coursing through him. He swallowed the lump rising in his throat and sprinted up the stairs that lead to Tony’s room.
“Tones you in there?” Rhodey knocked on his friend’s bedroom door. It creaked open slowly. Rhodey didn’t waste a second pushing into Tony’s dark room. The room was all but overturned. Rhodey looked panicked from corner to corner of the room, “Tony?!”
Rhodey’s eyes caught on a light seeping out from under the bathroom door.
He hopped over the broken glass that coated Tony’s floor and knocked on the bathroom door.
“Tony you in there?”
No response.
“Tony?”
Rhodey tried the handle of the door, but it didn't budge.
“Tony are you okay in there?!”
Again no response came.
“Damn it,” Rhodey hissed under his breath, “I am kicking this door in.”
Rhodey slammed his heel against the locking mechanism of the door, and it flew open with a bang.
“Shit!” Rhodey cried in dismay as his eye landed on his unconscious friend.
Tony sat slumped against the wall of the bathtub with his head flopped forward, chin resting on his barely moving chest. An empty bottle of what looked like vodka lay turned over under his left hand, and loosely gripped in the the other hand was a gun.
Rhodey rushed over to his friend, and knelt next to him.
“Damn it Tony,” Rhodey hissed and knocked the cocked gun away from his friend’s hand. The fact that the gun was still cocked, and the lack of blood was a small comfort to Rhodey, or it would have been, had there not been empty bottle of vodka. That much Vodka was just as dangerous as the loaded gun. He pulled Tony’s pale limp body into his arms and felt his pulse. His friend’s heart beat was weak and faltering at best, “What the hell were you thinking.”
Rhodey knew full well what his friend had been thinking, and he hated it.
“Rhodey…?” Tony rasped almost silently.
“Yeah man I’m here. I’m got you Tony,” Rhodey rocked him a little, “How much of that bottle did you drink?”
“No…” Tony mumbled without opening his eyes.
“Tony this really important. How much did you drink?” Rhodey demanded.
His friend shook his head a little, “Don’t know…”
“Was it full when you started?” Rhodey’s voice rose with panic.
“Almost… I think…” Tony trailed off, and his head flopped back.
“Tony I need you to stay awake!”
Tony’s body jerked and he gagged.
“Damn it,” Rhodey maneuvered Tony into a sitting position near the toilet. His body convulsed and he threw up into the toilet… or more the general direction of the toilet. After a painfully long time he stopped throwing up, but remained unconscious.
“Come on buddy,” Rhodey lifted his surprisingly light room mate into his arms, “I got you.”
Tony tucked his head into the crook of Rhodey’s neck.
The tires squealed as Rhodey slammed on the brakes in front of the hospital doors. He leapt out the car, and slid across the hood; he opened the passenger door where Tony sat. A violent jerk shuttered through Tony’s body as Rhodey unbuckled his seat belt.
“We’re at the hospital, you’re safe. You’re going to be fine,” Rhodey tried to sound to sound reassuring as he pulled Tony’s seizing body into his arms.
“Hey somebody help!” Rhodey shouted as he burst through the doors into the emergency room. Tony let out a choked gag as his body shook, “He needs help!”
“Right here,” a nurse rushed to Rhodey’s assistance, “Through here,” The nurse guided Rhodey through a set of double doors, “What happened?” The nurse asked while taking Tony’s pulse as they rushed down the hallway.
“Alcohol overdose I think,” Rhodey replied quickly.
“Right here. Set him down,” The nurse directed pointing to a gurney, “HEY! I NEED A DOCTOR!” The nurse shouted down the hallway and then turned his attention back to Tony, “How much did he have?”
“I don't know… I wasn't there- I found him-” Rhodey stammered, he couldn't make himself speak in a coherent string. The sight of Tony still seizing tore all his thoughts away.
He was going to die.
Any second he would just stop.
Stop and never move again.
“Hey! Bud snap out of it! I need an estimate, anything, what kind?” The nurse said quickly and pulled out some kind of needle.
“uh.. um vodka, and he- the bottle was empty… I don’t know how full it was when he started--” Rhodey trailed off as a doctor came running down the hallway with two nurses at her heels.
“What we got? Talk as we walk, Trish take that gentleman back to the waiting room please,” The doctor barked her orders and ran along beside the gurney as it was wheeled away by two nurses.
Rhodey tried follow, but an arm stuck out and stopped him.
“I’m sorry, but you can’t follow. You need to go back to the waiting room,” One of the nurses that had been with the doctor guided Rhodey back toward the waiting room.
“You’re friend is going to be fine,” The nurse reassured him as she guided him into a chair, “Do you have someone who you can call to come be with you while you wait?”
Rhodey nodded absentmindedly, “Yeah, I’ll go call her.”
“Hello?”
“It’s me, ma,” Rhodey replied slowly.
“Hey baby, how is he holding up?” His mother asked.
Rhodey glanced over at the door Tony had disappeared through.
“I wish I knew. We are at the hospital right now,” Rhodey responded slowly.
“What?!” His mother demanded, “Why?”
Rhodey rubbed his forehead. He was pretty sure he was going to cry.
“He overdosed,” Rhodey’s voice cracked as he spoke.
“Oh my goodness!” His mother cried, “James baby I will be there right away!”
"Thank's ma."
He didn't wait for response before hanging up. Rhodey let himself slip to the ground slowly, where he buried his his face into his knees, wrapped his arms around his head, and let himself cry.
Tony forced his stone heavy eyelids open, light blasted against his now open eye sending shooting pain exploding through his brain. He let out a soft whimper and squeezed his eyes shut; He tried to drown out the light stabbing against his eyelids and sending shots of pain into his pounding head. Everything was to bright. Far far FAR to bright, and loud. SO FUCKING LOUD. The steady beeping next to his head send pulses of shocking pain reverberating through his screaming head; every sound and the bright light only made the blood pounding in his head pound faster and more ferociously hammering hard against his skull. The blood rushing past his ears was near deafening. He could feel each heartbeat as the sound pounded in his head.
He gasped for much needed air, but even that betrayed and tortured him. The air tore at his throat and ripped against his airways sending searing agony tearing through his chest. He felt like his head was going to explode, and if it didn't he was pretty sure his insides were going to burn.
He whimpered in pain and twisted head deeper into the soft pillow trying drive it away.
“Shhh Tones, you’re okay now,” The voice melted against Tony’s ears and felt warm and soothing. It was perfect. Not to high pitched or blaringly loud, “Here bud I’ll turn off the light.”
The light stabbing against his eye dissipated and peaceful darkness soaked in. Tony slowly made his second attempt to open his eyes, which hurt much less this time around. He was met with the sight of a hospital room, and his best friend sitting beside him, concern furrowing his brow.
“What happened… why am I here?” Tony forced himself to form the words despite the new wave pain that washed over him. He knew something was wrong with him, he knew something had happened to him, but he just didn't remember what.
Rhodey couldn't stop himself from flinching at Tony’s question. He knew that forgetting things was bound to happen from the amount alcohol his friend had consumed, but for whatever reason he hadn’t expected Tony to forget. He hadn’t expected to have be the one tell him that his parents were dead. Was it even right to put him through that again? It had obviously already almost killed him once. He hated being the one who had to tell him, or more remind him of what he already knew.
“Tony how much do you remember from- from two nights ago?” Rhodey asked slowly.
Tony looked at him in confusion. Rhodey sighed, he had to make this simpler.
“Tony what is the last thing you remember?” Rhodey corrected his question.
“Mom and dad leaving for the airport,” Tony rasped slowly as though speaking hurt him.
Rhodey sighed and pitched his eyebrow. He didn't remember. Rhodey didn't know how to tell Tony what had happened. How was he supposed to remind his friend of perhaps one of the worst things that would ever happen to him?
“Tony do you remember anything else?” Rhodey asked cautiously.
Tony hesitated and a wave of fresh agony washed into his gaze. Not like what had been there before, but a look that was far deeper and far more broken. He remembered.
Tony swallowed hard, “The police came to the house…”
Rhodey closed his eyes. The pain in his friend’s gaze was to much.
“They’re gone…” Tony whined miserably, “No… no…”
Rhodey forced himself to look back up at his friend.
“I’m sorry Tony,” Rhodey whispered.
“No!” Tony’s mournful wail drove nails into Rhodey’s heart, “What am I going to do?”
“We’ll figure it out,” Rhodey reached forward grabbed Tony’s hand trying to calm him as he banged his head repeatedly against the pillow.
“There gone…” Tony rasped and squirmed in the bed, “Why…”
Tony broke off into pained sobs.
Neither of them spoke. Rhodey sat next to him. This was practically torture. Going through the shock once was bad enough, but going through it twice? That was just wrong, and completely unfair.
“James?”
Rhodey looked up at Tony. A new look had come into his eyes.
“Hmm?”
“Am I here because I- did I almost… or try to…?”
Rhodey didn't need him to finish his question to know what he was asking.
“I think so… yeah…” Rhodey replied through a sigh, “I think… Tony I think the alcohol poisoning saved you…”
Tony tilted his head in confusion.
Rhodey hesitated before continuing, “I found you… I found you with a um with a gun. Tony if I may… I think... I think you were trying to get drunk enough to use it.”
“So you found me?”
Anger rolled into Tony’s eyes like dark thunder clouds.
Rhodey nodded slowly. The anger that had set in scared him, especially how quickly it happened.
“I wish I hadn't passed out,” Tony hissed in a low dangerous tone, “I wish I had… No.” Tony looked Rhodey in the eyes with a gaze like he had just been horribly betrayed, “No. I wish you had left me. You should have left me there.”
Rhodey gaped.
As quickly as it had come, Tony's look of rage melted away to a look of lost, hopeless, misery.
“Why didn’t you let me die?” Tony whimpered in a soft pleading tone that tore at Rhodey's very core.
Rhodey could only shake his head. Tony’s eyes seemed to be begging him to help, to fix things and make them better. He wanted to. He wanted to make everything better for his friend, and he wanted to help him, but he didn’t know how.