I had to see you
It has been five weeks since something about Billy changed and although Frank was aware of what happened he didn’t know what was occupying his friend’s mind every day.
Billy and Frank were on the job protecting their client when Billy was shot. One bullet pierced through his leg while the other fortunately only grazed his neck. Both wounds were easily repaired and Billy could go home quickly after that, but since that day something changed. It wasn’t his first time being hurt and before it was even more severe but he was different. It wasn’t what happened to him but what his client begged him when they were attacked.
The woman was screaming for him to not leave her alone; she was scared and although she survived those words were hunting him. However, it wasn’t her voice which would wake him up screaming those words, the voice that came back to haunt him again.
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“Are you alright? Maria is worried about you,” Frank asked sitting beside Billy who stared blankly ahead.
“I don’t know,” it was only thing Billy said.
“Billy, we did our job, we didn’t fail,” Frank said completely oblivious that what was bothering Billy was actually something from his past and not recent events.
Billy stood up from the bed moving closer to the window. “I know,” Billy said under his breath keeping his head low.
“You say that you know, but every time since then I see guilt on your face.”
Billy turned towards Frank not sure if he should talk about what was bothering him but considering that his friend was the only one to whom he ever opened up he started. “I can’t sleep.”
“I’ve noticed, so are you going to tell me what happened?” Frank asked as he watched Billy.
“’Please don’t leave me, Billy’ she screamed that while trying to grab my hand,” Billy confessed as he approached his safe unlocking it in before pulling out something.
“Who are you talking about?”
“The day when I left the only person I cared for behind,” he said while gripping onto the soft object in his hands.
“You mean before?”
“Yeah, before I enlisted. This was hers; she said that it will keep me safe when she was the one who needed to be saved,” Billy stared at the plush teddy bear while moving his fingers over the place where the brown ear was missing only leaving the stitched part behind.
“How old was she?” Frank asked curiously and also worried as Billy told him everything that happened to him when he was a kid, however, he never mentioned a girl.
“She didn’t even know that. Her parents never took care of her, so the same faith as mine found her.”
“Were you the only person she had?”
“She was so lost and scared, but she kept it together. She never let anyone see her broken and we were kids, Frank. And she…she deserved better,” Billy was gripping the toy trying to find some comfort from it.
“Why did you leave her?”
“I was selfish; I wanted to get out of there. She was younger than me, it’s not like I could’ve taken care of her,” Billy admitted although ashamed still trying to assure himself that he had no choice.
“Was she a good kid?” Frank asked trying to move the conversation to the parts that could actually be good memories.
“Annoying,” Billy said smiling. “She was smart and if she was born somewhere else she…she would be able to do anything.”
“Have you tried to find her?” Frank had to ask as now when they were no longer in service Billy had resources and connections.
“I did,” Billy whispered before gently placing the teddy bear back in the safe, his touch lingered but he had to let go.
“And?” Frank asked with his elbows on his thighs as he stared at his friend.
“And what?”
“Have you found her?” Frank urged him to tell him and before Billy got the chance they could hear Frank’s kids from the other room complaining about being hungry.
“I did found her,” Billy said under his breath not meeting Frank’s eyes.
“And she got out?” Frank asked and Billy was quick to nod. “Then why didn’t you move on from what happened?”
“Because I hate myself for what I did, but you will never understand that Frank.”
“And why do you think that?”
“You have Maria, your kids, all I ever had was her,” Billy’s tone although sounding rough wasn’t hateful, but it was sorrowful for what he no longer had.
“You can still have her, Billy just talk to her, alright?” Frank said standing up and moving towards the door.
“Yeah…” Billy whispered following Frank.
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“Please don’t leave me, Billy!”
Billy was tossing and turning in his bed as he could her child’s screams begging him to stay.
“Billy, please! Billy!”
His body was covered with a layer of sweat as his chest rose and fell quicker with every passing second. It was just as in the beginnings of his service and even at the beginning of his second deployment, but he somehow managed to force himself to keep going.
His eyes were wide open as another scream went in his head. His face was not only covered with drops of sweat but also tears which Billy didn’t even notice as he stared at the teddy bear that he took out again after Frank and his family left. He didn’t even need a picture to have your face before him the toy was enough, however, the face it brought to his mind was of you screaming and crying as he was turning his back to you.
He dressed in a hurry and moved quickly through his darkness filled apartment. He wasn’t sure where he was going when he sat in his car but he had a good guess. It was as if he was enjoying punishing himself and not able to move on.
Billy walked slowly with his hand in pocket while the other was gripping onto the teddy bear close to his chest. His walk was a short one and even in dark, he knew where to exactly go. The scent of dirt and flowers mixed in his nose making his breath hitch in his throat. He almost turned around reminded that he came empty-handed, but he didn’t turn around as he really needed to talk to you.
“I forgot the flowers,” Billy whispered with his eyes closing as he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but I had to see you,” he admitted with his fingers meeting the cold stone with the dim light in the distance making the letters of your name shining in the night.