Can you hold me?
“Billy,” you called out as you took off your boots in the hallway. “Billy, you here?” you called out again only to be met with silence. “Great,” you said under your breath disappointedly. Putting your coat away you fidgeted with your fingers as they were almost frozen and the apartment although warm wasn’t warm enough to make them alive again.
As you looked around you didn’t know what to do as this was actually the first time that you were at Billy’s place while he wasn’t there. It wasn’t that you two weren’t together for a long time; you were actually for more than two years, but most of the times he was away.
He recently got back from his deployment but you didn’t spend much time together as you were busy with your work and you also didn’t want to be a distraction while he was trying to settle back.
He and you were different in so many ways and still same, and if either of you was to say their thoughts out loud you would be living together since before he even left, but you both stayed silent. And at this moment as you were waiting for him just wanting to be close to him as you were still upset about what happened at work you realized that you and Billy aren’t as close as you would like it. Because you wished to call him to come home sooner, but you didn’t want to bother him.
You wished that you could voice up your thoughts to him, but somehow although you could tell him everything, you just didn’t want to trouble him with your own problems. And that was why you were trying to decide if you should wait for him or just leave. And soon you came to the conclusion, but just as you were ready to put your boots on the doors were opened.
“Hey,” Billy said a bit surprised to see you. He didn’t know why but it seemed to him that you were pulling away from him, and he was worried that you were going to end things with him. He could understand it as you felt more at ease with each other while he was away and it was strange to you both being close to each other. He wanted to be with you however he wasn’t about to force you to stay if you were ready to walk out of his life.
“Hi, I was just…” the words died out on your lips before you had a chance to say them. You just didn’t know what to do.
“You were leaving?” he questioned as you were still holding one of your boots in your hands.
“I…” you looked down not sure in what to say.
“You want to end it, am I right?” he asked stepping closer.
“Billy, I just…it’s so strange. When you are there I crave to be close to you, but I can’t and I still crave that when you are here, but I’ve been so used in not having you that…”
“You don’t know how to approach me?” he questioned reaching for you, but his hand stayed close not actually touching you before he moved it away.
“Yeah,” you nodded before lifting your gaze to meet his eyes.
“I get it, we spend so much time of our relationship away from each other than being this close is unreal, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” he admitted. He was about to step away from you but you reached for his hand making him step closer.
“Billy, I am trying to not make things uncomfortable, I am trying to get used to this, but I don’t think that you want this,” you spoke while holding his hand in both of yours hoping that it won’t be the last time you got to do it.
“What do you mean?”
“Billy, nobody shoved any affection to you when you were younger, so you carry on as if you don’t need someone to hug you, just because nobody did that when you were a kid. You were touch-starved and now when som-“
“That’s not true, I ha-” he tried to fight you on it as he pulled his hand out of your grasp. The way you said it, it sounded as if he wasn’t important or wanted.
“Billy, I’m not talking about sex,” you tried to reason with him. “But now when you mention it, after it you don’t hold me or anything.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” Billy whispered while staring at the ground.
“What do you mean?”
“You would just get bored by it and you would push me away,” he said under his breath with his shoulders dropping.
“Billy…”
“No you don’t understand it, I don’t do that as I do-” he hated to be seen as vulnerable so he didn’t know if he should say what he wanted but thankfully you interrupted him.
“You don’t want to be rejected, as it’s always been just sex with you and others?”
“It’s not like I’m going to hold a woman I just met in a bar,” he said trying to justify his actions without being seen as needy or something similar.
“And I’m not asking you to,” you stated before grabbing his hand again.
“What are you doing?” he questioned as you started leading him to his bedroom.
“You will see,” you said smiling softly at him and it calmed him for a moment.
After entering the room you both undressed to your underwear before you led him to bed. Although you desperately needed to be the little spoon you knew that it will be enough just to be in his arms. You lied down on your back before he joined you. He was reluctant but you urged him to lay his head on your chest and soon his hands were holding you while one of your was placed around him and the other found its way to his hair where your fingers slowly moved. And although both of you were unsure and worried you soon realized that you should’ve done this sooner as it put both of you at ease and it made both of you feel loved and safe. From then on there were cuddles following more than you ever had in your life and you wouldn’t have it any other way.