hundred dollar bills under our sleeve
Crows!!
kaz brekker, inej ghafa, jesper fahey
jesper fahey: i need help
kaz brekker: ok. can it wait until morning or do i need to kill someone right now.
kaz brekker: inej says she can be to your location in ten minutes, less if she travels illegally.
kaz brekker: are you in imminent danger?
jesper fahey: it’s not that i don’t appreciate your ride-or-die tendencies, kaz, but that is not the kind of help i need atm
jesper fahey: wait. how does inej know my location
jesper fahey: do you have me tracked??
kaz brekker: if that’s not the help you need why are you even contacting me
jesper fahey: UM??
jesper fahey: maybe bc you’re my friend and i like updating you on my life???
jesper fahey: maybe bc i don’t HAVE any other friends???
inej ghafa: what about anika? isn’t she your friend?
jesper fahey: i guess she’s cool but she’s like 12
inej ghafa: she’s only a year younger than you
jesper fahey: ok whatever that’s not my main point
jesper fahey: do YOU have me TRACKED????
kaz brekker: obviously. i have a tracker on everyone. that’s how i knew bolliger was liaising with the dime lions and that you were half dead in a gutter that one time.
jesper fahey: YOU SAID YOU WERE PSYCHIC
inej ghafa: and you BELIEVED him??
jesper fahey: YES OK I DID
jesper fahey: KAZ IS VERY CONVINCING WHEN HE WANTS TO BE
inej ghafa: okay i’m sorry. what did you need help with, jesper?
jesper fahey: no im not telling you now
jesper fahey: you made fun of me
jesper fahey: im gonna tell my new friend from chemistry
kaz brekker: why are you taking chemistry.
jesper fahey: it’s a required credit
jesper fahey: i need it to graduate, idiot
jesper fahey: n e ways im going to talk to REAL friends. bye
inej ghafa: bye jes
kaz brekker: good riddance.
jesper fahey: one of these days im going to commit manslaughter
Private Chat
inej ghafa, kaz brekker
inej ghafa: what is he talking about. we are his only friends
kaz brekker: ignore him. he’s like a puppy that’s locked outside
kaz brekker: he’s trying to guilt you to let him back in
kaz brekker: he probably didn't even need help in the first place.
inej ghafa: lmao okay
baddest bitches
inej ghafa, jesper fahey
inej ghafa:screenshot(1)
jesper fahey: I AM NOT A PUPPY
jesper fahey: FUCK HIM FUCK KAZ I HATE HIKM
jesper fahey: I AM SO MUCH COOLER THAN A PUPPTY I SWEAR TO GOD
jesper fahey: IM LIKE A COOL BADASS SHARK
inej ghafa: you are so cool and badass jesper dont even worry.
jesper fahey: thank you. honestly the only real one out there
jesper fahey: tbh you are way too good for kaz
jesper fahey: set your standards higher girl
jesper fahey: date someone like nikolai lantsov
inej ghafa: i don’t want to date nikolai lantsov
inej ghafa: and i’m not dating kaz, so what the hell are you even talking about
jesper fahey: ok ok i see how it is
jesper fahey: winking emoji
inej ghafa: you did not just type out the words “winking emoji”
jesper fahey: and what if i did
inej ghafa: goodbye
jesper fahey: NO COME BACK IM SORRY
Chemistry
wylan van eck, jesper fahey
jesper fahey: wylan all my friends are abandoning me
wylan van eck: it’s 2 AM, jesper
wylan van eck: maybe they’re abandoning you because you’re texting them at the asscrack of dawn.
jesper fahey: oh so you too?
wylan van eck: jesper when i gave you my phone number i meant for like. actual chemistry work.
wylan van eck: like if you had an idea for a project.
wylan van eck: not so you could text me at godforsaken hours of the night about your friends.
wylan van eck: go the fuck to sleep
jesper fahey: ok :(
wylan van eck: sigh.
wylan van eck: goodnight, jesper
jesper fahey: goodnight, wy :)
Crows!!
kaz brekker, inej ghafa, jesper fahey
inej ghafa: good morning !!
inej ghafa: did either of you do that assignment from Haskell’s class??
inej ghafa: because i completely forgot about it
kaz brekker: i did. do you want my notes, inej?
inej ghafa: yes i would love them!! thank you so much kaz <3
kaz brekker: it’s no problem.
kaz brekker: <3
jesper fahey: i didnt do it either
jesper fahey: can i use your notes kaz
kaz brekker: no. i dont condone cheating.
jesper fahey: YOU BALD FACED LIAR
jesper fahey: this is BLATANT FAVORITISM and i have been your BEST most LOYAL FRIEND for OVER 10 YEARS
jesper fahey: smh my head i cannot believe this
kaz brekker: yesterday you tried to rob me. you broke into my house, held a knife to my throat, and demanded to know where i keep my money. as if i would leave it lying about.
jesper fahey: IT WAS A FUN LITTLE FRIENDLY PRANK
inej ghafa: jesper what the fuck
jesper fahey: you are all snakes. all of you.
inej ghafa: there’s literally only two of us
jesper fahey: GOODBYE.
jesper fahey: do u think i could steal a goat from that farm by the emerald palace or are their security measures too high
kaz brekker: this is disappointing. i thought you said you were leaving.
kaz brekker: i was excited.
jesper fahey: oh my god
jesper fahey: this really hurts. after everything i’ve done for you
kaz brekker: which is nothing?
jesper fahey: I LITERALLY KILLED SOMEONE FOR YOU. ARE WE JUST FORGETTING ABOUT THAT NOW???
inej ghafa: im sorry?
jesper fahey: yeah no kaz was like “jesper you like to shoot at stuff right?” and i went “yeah” and he went “ok i need someone taken out”
inej ghafa: and you just. did it? no questions asked?
jesper fahey: ok. in my defense
jesper fahey: *runs away*
inej ghafa: kaz did u literally have him murder someone?
kaz brekker: yeah
kaz brekker: i wouldn’t have forced him to if he really didn’t want to.
inej ghafa: saints give me patience
Chemistry
wylan van eck, jesper fahey
jesper fahey: wylan. it is now 8 am, which is a significantly more appropriate time to message someone.
jesper fahey: are u there
wylan van eck: who the hell are you and what have you done with jesper
jesper fahey: wylannn this is serious!!
jesper fahey: i wanna steal a goat
wylan van eck: ok. i feel like im gonna regret asking this but.
wylan van eck: why?
jesper fahey: idk. i just feel like it
wylan van eck: alright i don’t have any classes this morning
wylan van eck: lemme get my shoes on
wylan van eck:meet you at the giant hand statue?
jesper fahey: hly shit
jesper fahey: really???
wylan van eck: …yes? i don’t have anything else im doing atm
jesper fahey: hell yeah meet you at the giant hand in 30!!
Crows!!
kaz brekker, inej ghafa, jesper fahey
jesper fahey: oh my god you guys i think im in love
kaz brekker: please tell me it’s not me again
jesper fahey: i mean…..
jesper fahey: no, its this other guy from my chemistry class
jesper fahey: OH!!! also
jesper fahey: you guys look atj this
jesper fahey:image(4)
inej ghafa: jesper i am in class right now i can’t deal with this
inej ghafa: oh my god wait is that an actual goat
jesper fahey: yeah <3
jesper fahey: i stole it with my new best friend wylan
jesper fahey: KAZ CONSIDER YOURSELF REPLACED
kaz brekker: ok.
jesper fahey: have i told you that you are actually the worst.
jesper fahey: you make my life so much harder
kaz brekker: yeah that’s my plan.
jesper fahey: sobbing on the floor rn
jesper fahey: a decade of friendship and for what
jesper fahey: honestly this is grounds for a divorce.
kaz brekker: that was once and we already had it annulled.
inej ghafa: excuse me???
jesper fahey: YEAH AGAINST MY WILL.
jesper fahey: i wanted to be kaz brekker's househusband and spend all your money but YOU made that impossible. so. who's the real monster there
kaz brekker: it was for a mission and i regret it now
jesper fahey: damn. :(
inej ghafa: you made jesper sad!!!
inej ghafa: apologize.
kaz brekker: GOD. fine. i'm sorry, jesper
jesper fahey: oh it's ok wylan already agreed to marry me and raise milo together so im fine
kaz brekker: ok.
inej ghafa: wow.
inej ghafa: so, unlike kaz, i will not be glossing over that sentence. 1) wylan van eck, th sole heir of the van eck fortune, the guy who blew up two entire buildings, is your new husband.
jesper fahey: i mean yeah, we're going ring shopping tomorrow but we are engaged
inej ghafa: i hate that i can't tell whether or not you're kidding
inej ghafa: but anyway. 2) who is milo. did you already adopt a child together??
jesper fahey: milo is the GOAT. obviously. god
jesper fahey: and i am being 100% serious.
jesper fahey: see i'll prove it
jesper fahey added wylan van eck
jesper fahey: they don't believe you agreed to marry me.
jesper fahey: protect my honor, sweet cheeks
wylan van eck: ok
wylan van eck: me and jesper are getting married
wylan van eck: idk who you guys are but you're invited to the wedding i guess
jesper fahey: this is kaz and inej!! they used to be my friends :)
inej ghafa: bitch we are still your friends
inej ghafa: well. i am. i dont know if kaz was really ever your friend
kaz brekker: keep in mind that for thirty minutes yesterday i was entirely willing to kill a man for you.
jesper fahey: kaz you would kill a man just for fun. don't pretend like you weren't just using me as an excuse.
kaz brekker: did it ever cross your mind that maybe i was worried for you?
jesper fahey: oh, worried about losing another one of your investments, were you?
inej ghafa: HAH
inej ghafa: lmaoo
kaz brekker left the chat
inej ghafa: LMAOO
inej ghafa: IM SCREA.KNG
inej ghafa: YOU REALLY WENT THERE OH MY GOD
jesper fahey: was that maybe a little too harsh?
inej ghafa: jesper babe that was not too harsh
inej ghafa: kaz can be an asshole sometimes.
jesper fahey: sometimes????
inej ghafa: ok. a lot.
inej ghafa: and i know he's been through some shit. which makes us wanna be like "oh thats just kaz, i need to stop being such a baby. he's been through so much, i need to cut him some slack."
inej ghafa: which, like, yes!! kaz is strong and he's been through a lotta shit that we couldnt even really begin to comprehend!! it's important that we take care of him.
inej ghafa: but that's just giving some explanation. its not an excuse. so if he hurts you, its ok to call him out!! its ok to tell him that you wont put up with shit. like that doesnt make you a terrible person, yknow?
inej ghafa: sorry, that probably doesnt make any sense haha
jesper fahey: DONT YOU DARE APOLOGIZE IM CRYING
jesper fahey: inej i actually love you so much oh my god
jesper fahey: i just. i've been his best friend for literally 11 years!! thats a long time! and he still pretends not to know me at school, and he doesn't really interact with me unless he needs me for something.
jesper fahey: so its a wee bit upsetting
inej ghafa: jesper that is so valid
inej ghafa: YOU are so valid
inej ghafa: i love you and you are so so brave. <3
jesper fahey: <3
wylan van eck left the chat
Private Chat
wylan van eck, kaz brekker
wylan van eck: if you make my husband sad ever again i will gut you like a fish.
KESPER (KAZ + JESPER)
jesper fahey, kaz brekker
kaz brekker: i approve of him.
jesper fahey: ???
jesper fahey: the hell are u talking about??
kaz brekker: wylan.
kaz brekker: i approve of him.
jesper fahey: ok lmao like i need your approval
baddest bitches
inej ghafa, jesper fahey
jesper fahey: screenshot(1)
jesper fahey: he approves!!!
inej ghafa: literally what were we just talking about.
inej ghafa: do NOT base your worth off of kaz brekker.
jesper fahey: yeah but like….
jesper fahey: its KAZ
inej ghafa: EXACTLY.
inej ghafa: it's kaz >:(
jesper fahey: but nejjjj
inej ghafa: im not your mom. i cant tell you what to do. but i believe you should find worth in yourself and not in what kaz thinks of you.
inej ghafa: its ok if you decide not to work on that. just know that i think it would be helpful.
inej ghafa: i love you always and forever, jes. no matter what. <3
jesper fahey: i love you too inej <3
inej ghafa: now tell me more about this wylan.
inej ghafa: i've heard of him, but what's he like?
jesper fahey: I THIUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK
Private Chat
wylan van eck, kaz brekker
kaz brekker: you know jesper fairly well, right?
wylan van eck: i have known him for literally two months. so no.
kaz brekker: but you know him well enough to accept his marriage proposal, which is good enough for me.
kaz brekker: i need help.
kaz brekker: i think i upset him.
wylan van eck: oh, you THINK?
wylan van eck: you've been his friend for a long time. figure it out yourself, asshole.
wylan van eck: and don't talk to him until you're ready to apologize.
kaz brekker: he frustrates me. he KNOWS he has problems, and yet he refuses to seek help for them. why?
wylan van eck: we are not friends, kaz brekker.
wylan van eck: i'm not going to help you.
Private Chat
inej ghafa, kaz brekker
kaz brekker: inej everyone hates me.
inej ghafa: u know for a fact that that's not true
inej ghafa: u hurt jesper's feelings, but he LOVES you. he wouldn't start hating you over smth like that.
inej ghafa: and i dont hate you!! i still love you a whole lot even if you are an idiot sometimes. just. apologize to jesper. make it right
inej ghafa: please.
kaz brekker: i have other friends than you two, you know.
inej ghafa: see this is one of those times that you're being an idiot.
inej ghafa: i just told you that me and jesper aren't ever going to abandon you. that we love you unconditionally.
inej ghafa: "i have other friends than you two" is not an appropriate response.
kaz brekker: oh. ok.
kaz brekker: thank you.
kaz brekker: for explaining.
inej ghafa: anytime.
kaz brekker: <3
inej ghafa: <3
inej ghafa: now who are these other friends?
inej ghafa: i need to battle them for dominance as kaz brekker's BEST FRIEND
kaz brekker: haha.
kaz brekker: no need to worry. just nina zenik and matthias helvar. i don't talk to them nearly as much as you.
kaz brekker: and jesper. of course.
inej ghafa: NINA ZENIK???
inej ghafa: omg wait i LOVE her
inej ghafa: im going to SCREAM hold on
Crows!!
kaz brekker, inej ghafa, jesper fahey
inej ghafa added nina zenik
inej ghafa added matthias helvar
inej ghafa: BITCH U DIDNT TELL ME U KNEW KAZ???
nina zenik: OMG???
nina zenik: INEJ GHAFA, THE LIGHT AND LOVE OF MY LIFE?
nina zenik: MY WIFE??
matthias helvar: Ahem.
nina zenik: sorry. matthais you are my wife. inej you can be my mistress whom i love and adore
matthias helvar: Thank you. 😌
inej ghafa: thanks babe
jesper fahey: WHAT THE FUCK.
jesper fahey: NINA ZENIK.
nina zenik: JESPER FAHEY.
jesper fahey: ily bby
nina zenik: im not your baby
nina zenik: your princess, maybe. perhaps even queen.
jesper fahey: ok yeah fair
jesper fahey: what are you doing here??
nina zenik: your guess is as good as mine babe
inej ghafa: i didnt know that you were friends with kaz?
nina zenik: inej darling WHY are you stooping so low as to talk to brekker.
nina zenik: you deserve literally so much better. get urself a bf like nikolai lantsov.
inej ghafa: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME TO DATE NIKOLAI LANTSOV
jesper fahey: because WE ALL want to date nikolai lantsov but you're the only one with half a chance!
nina zenik: ^^
nina zenik: not for any merit of his btw. just cause he's rich and pretty
nina zenik: and his friend zoya nazyalensky is like. ridiculously gorgeous.
nina zenik: like. i'd hit that
jesper fahey: I KNOW RIGHT
inej ghafa: im leaving. bye
nina zenik: by my love!!
nina zenik: i'll miss u… i'll sit by the window and sigh dramatically. "when will my darling inej return from the war."
inej ghafa: never.
jesper fahey: bye inej!!
jesper fahey: does anyone want to come to dinner with me and my dad when he's in town next week
nina zenik: LOML COLM ❤️😏🥴😩🥵
jesper fahey: ok no im leaving too.
jesper fahey: you are VILE.
nina zenik: damn… then there were three
matthias helvar: Dear I don't think Kaz was ever here in the first place.
nina zenik: damn. nevermind this is boring now.
nina zenik: matthias come over
matthias helvar: But I have to study… 🙁
nina zenik: im literally undressing as we speak
matthias helvar: Nina! I am not just using you for your body. It's important to me that you know that. I will come over no matter what if you really want me to.
nina zenik: oh my god matthias i love you
nina zenik: its ok you big oaf, im trying to seduce you
nina zenik: i know you aren't using me and i DO really want you to come over
nina zenik: just get in ur gd car
matthias helvar: On my way, love.