Chapter 9
~ IX ~
~o~0~o~
Thor noticed that while Loki has always been silent while he slept, now there was some disturbing wheeze from him, every time he took a deep breath.
Only much later he found out that it was the wound in his chest Loki took in the battle with the elves that caused it. The wound Thor believed Loki faked to escape.
~o~0~o~
Loki often sat in front of the illuminator and watched the stars. Nothing has changed. Everyone greeted Thor as if he was their everything.
Your Majesty! So happy. So adoring.
That could not be said about Loki. Even if they didn’t scoff at him, talking behind his back, the people ignored the Loki's presence entirely. Like he was invisible. Nothing.
But he thought...
Loki truly hoped, he really believed that things would change.
Wishful thinking.
~o~0~o~
“Do you understand me, Loki?” Thor repeats, pulling from the hug but still keeping his hands on Loki’s shoulders. The look in his eye is piercing. “You are my brother and my advisor and I need you by my side. I need you here with me.”
Loki couldn’t look away. It was really happening. His private, quiet prayers gotten answered. Loki didn’t dare to assume, not after that catastrophic talk in the elevator on Sakaar. But thank the Norns – Thor lied then. The trickster got tricked and Thor lied. He needed Loki after all. Not everything was lost between them. That was exactly what he wanted to hear from Thor. And he was happy.
~o~0~o~
Too bad it was just a dream.
~o~0~o~
Loki jerked awake and couldn't stop gasping. A moment too late, he realized that it was not gasping, but the sobs that tore his chest inside out.
Not for the first time Loki has had a dream, a very realistic dream (they all were deceivingly realistic), where he was cared for. He was cared for.
His words were taken into account, his deeds acknowledged.
His family asked after him. His brother sought his presence and advice.
His subjects respected him and treated him as it was ought of his status as a prince.
His friends, his very own friends, called after him when he was free.
His skin didn't frighten him, instead being of great help to the citizens in the need of it.
He was doing his duty and was coming back to his rooms with the feeling of contentedness. Happily accepting to dine with his parents in the garden under the skies of Asgard on a warm evening.
But it was... just... a dream.
A dream.
Things he was craving for his whole life lined in a perfect play. An ideal life.
Loki collapsed back and curled into a tight ball under a light blanket.
What a cruel dream.
Every day waking up, Loki was devastated. These dreams hurt, hurt like nothing else. Even the torture he endured was kinder in a sense – because it was just pain. And the pain goes away eventually.
It was worse. Because every day - for just a moment - Loki felt what a dream-he felt. For this feeling alone, Loki would curse the Norns for letting him feel it just to snatch him back to his reality. When all those things, things that could have been true, they could, could! - were fake. Unreal. Impossible for him to have.
Loki cried. And he cried harder, knowing that no one could see him, or care to come check, because that was the truth of it all.
Parents, brother, friends and subjects. He has never had any.
He was alone as he always was.
And nothing would change that.
Only in his dreams.
~o~0~o~
Loki started to sleep more, often not having enough strength to face the real world when the dream one was so nice.
But he had to. Thor would not hesitate to give him trouble for not sitting in the meetings where all his words were dismissed and he was simply walked over.
After some trying days, were it the Valkyrie degrading him incessantly of the humans scowling at him in uneasy and disgust, or Thor falling back into his habits of treating him like shit, Loki would retire early just so he could go back to his dreams quicker.
Loki gave in in lying to himself that there was something worth living for in the real world.
Besides, he couldn't lie to himself further that he wouldn't be happy to die in his sleep. If only to Valhalla to greet him back as an old friend.
Recently Loki stopped waking up with tear tracks on his cheeks. For some time now, he has accepted the thing that was happening to him. He knew that these dreams were unnatural; maybe it was even magic in action (whose he didn’t have a clue). Loki didn’t really care.
Sometimes the visions he dreamed about have helped to go about his days.
And that was a relief.
~o~0~o~
“I don't know if you noticed but your brother must be plotting something.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven't seen him around much, you know? And that is the cause for concern.”
“You think?.. Hmm. I haven't seen him either.”
“I just know it, you know! You must be careful. Stay alert.”
“Loki is my brother! And there is no proof he plots any misdeed!”
“Yeah, of course. Just a warning. Its Loki after all.”
~o~0~o~
“Loki? Loki!”
“Thor?... Oh. Sorry. I just...”
“… Overslept?”
“Um, yes. Never mind. What is it brother? How can I help?”
Strange wording, Thor thought. Strange everyhting. Something was wrong with Loki. He looked… fragile. Thor hoped Loki was not getting ill. After everything that happened to them, Thor would not lose anyone. Especially not his brother.
~o~0~o~
The dream where he spent all day with Odin was the hardest to forget. The hardest to accept. Because no matter how he tried, Loki couldn't remember when Odin was interested in anything Loki was doing. Mostly Odin just wasn't there. The old man's eye always evaded his second son, dismissing his existence to the likes of anything else.
Now the old man was interested, even amused. Fond of his son. Odin took his time to listen to his grievances, his dreams, his troubles. Shared his own. Odin was a father Loki always wanted. Always needed.
Loki hoped that this dream would come to him again tonight.
~o~0~o~