Several Lifes

"Love does not know how to be humble, its desire is its dominion, its rapture its law, it has no measure but its excess; its right to property is based on the audacity to demand everything and to try everything in freedom. But, of course, love has these rights only on the condition that it always follows the right path. If it is lost, it must come back by long detours and must tremble and weep over its error and by its shame make amends for its mistakes." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

But what is the right way? Is it not love to lose oneself in one's own name? To wander, to hope, to fear, to put the happiness of one's loved before one's own? Who wants to judge without knowing the destiny and destiny of love? What mistakes are bitterly to be atoned for when the pain of separation cannot trump anything and only death promises salvation?

And what if words can't describe how you feel? If everything is too much and never enough, is it love? Who determines what emotions are behind a feeling?

But what if love isn't enough, is it a punishment? A test that tests the limits of one's self, perhaps even destiny itself?

And if destiny is to be governed the same way as everything else, is it really destiny? Or is it a coincidence, a happy coincidence, or are we all forging our own happiness? What if it is our destiny to finally believe? In ourselves and our strength, in the strength within us? Trust in ourselves and therefore in others? On a common, unstoppable path that can finally fulfil its purpose.

December 16, 2149

The night was drawing to a close, and still none of the women had moved. They looked at each other as if they were each other's imagination. Like a dream that faded as soon as they opened their eyes. But they weren't dreaming, their minds were awake. Silence was her closest confidant, as she was always filled with the sound of the snow, the bustle outside the door, and the quiet humming of her heart. Senta Berger once said: "Love is a composition in which the pauses are as important as the music." How much importance would be attached to it without a conductor to guide it? But in the end, what mattered was not whether you heard her, but whether you felt her and let her take you over. And that's all the two women did. They knew that as soon as they left the room, reality would overtake them. It was inevitable. "I wish we could sit here forever." Lexa sighed and played with Clarke's fingers.

"Everything is finite, even if I'd like to stay. Everyday life seems much more distant than this moment. As if it were more tangible or longer than anything else."

The brunette smiled softly. "The infinity, which is really just a moment. I don't know whether that should make me happy or afraid, because I want to see it more often. With you by my side."

"At some point, if the world will allow it, we will be more together than we ever dared to dream." It was hope, gripped by the desires of a lonely heart, whose bitterness began to fade with each moment of mutual concealment.

"Am I weak if I already wish for it?" It was a question asked timidly, full of fear of being rejected.

"Nothing you say could ever seem weak to me. You are braver than I could ever be." Clarke gave her a sincere smile. "Yet I hope to catch up with you one day." She got up, stroked Lexa's cheek again, and then turned to the door. "I'll meet you in the morning when the world awaits us. Good night.

"I'll be there." With that, the blonde vanished, leaving behind a happily beaming commander who was filled with feelings she had never experienced before. 

The few hours left felt like seconds before they had to get up. 

But none of the women felt tired; rather, she was excited by the thought of the last night. Coupled with hope, it promised to be more than a castle in the air. Even Clarke wanted to believe it. 

She was still working as a murmur, followed by a wave of bows, passed through the room. Amazed, the blonde looked around when she saw Lexa approaching her. She quickly followed the others and bowed her head. If the situation were less public, if the brunette were smiling, but if the situation were actually different, the protocol would not require this gesture. 

Wiping his hands on a tea towel, with an apron and flour on his face, Raven approached the commander. "Heda, how can I help you?"

"Good evening, Raven. I need Clarke on an urgent matter." She formulated it like a question that the chef couldn't refuse anyway.

"Of course." She looked at the blonde and nodded at her. 

She looked questioningly at Lexa. On what urgent matter did the brunette have to speak to her? Bellamy gave the two women a sceptical look, but remained silent and went back to work.

Clarke wore an apron like Raven, her hair a little white from the flour, her arms stuck up to her elbows in the dough. She hurriedly went to the sink, which was supplied with running water by a pump, and began to clean herself as best she could. 

"Sorry I kept you waiting." The two women were still being watched, but instead of making fun of the situation, the brunette just nodded.

No sooner had they arrived in the corridor, Clarke couldn't stand it any more. "What kind of urgent business are we talking about?"

Lexa grinned. "I could say now that my hunger was unbearable, which is true, but then Raven probably wouldn't have let you go."

Now it was Clarke's turn to laugh. "You know she can't turn you down." Worried about being overheard, the blonde kept to the rules, even if it felt strange.

"There are certainly advantages to being the commander." The brunettes' grins widened and seemed a little embarrassed at the same time. "The truth is, I wanted to see you. It's been a few hours and a few weeks since we last dined together.

My body, however, stayed in our rhythm and at 7pm my stomach growls."

"I missed you too... the many weeks apart... it wasn't easy." Clarke's words were nothing more than a whisper, she seemed far more concerned about potential listeners than the brunette. She lost herself in the desired togetherness and, after the day had passed and the always demanded stoic mask, felt the need to be more than just the commander.

Finally, they arrived in the dining room. The room was filled with lighted candles, a few rugs, and a table that would have accommodated far more than just the two of them.

Lexa closed the door behind her and looked at Clarke earnestly. "Then come with me next time. Why break up when we both don't want it? It seems to me like a punishment we both didn't deserve."

"On what grounds? It would be too easy to see through, and until Nia was convicted, it would be too risky." The words slipped through Clarke's lips with difficulty and felt painful, only made worse when she thought of the consequences.

Lexa, on the other hand, knew she was right, but that didn't make things any easier for her either. "We'll talk about it afterwards."

"If there's one after that," Clarke thought to herself, but didn't say it, now wasn't the time. So she nodded in response. But Lexa knew the blonde wasn't saying everything that kept her busy, but they had time, so she tenderly squeezed her hand and breathed a kiss on it. It was their way of saying that they could do anything together. "I hope no one from the kitchen brings the food." Clarke felt a little guilty about quitting her job by making false statements and instead going to enjoy it.

"We can also put important-looking papers on the table, or you can hide under them when they bring the food." Lexa's corners of her mouth twitched, but she struggled for a serious-looking face.

"Thank you for your brilliant ideas, but no." Clarke emphasised the form of courtesy as ironically as possible, bringing a real smile to Lexa's face.

"Then I can't help you." She shrugged her shoulders, as if her suggestions would have been very useful if the blonde had only acted more skillfully.

"I thought you knew no boundaries as a commander?" Clarke now tried to annoy Lexa.

"Should I spare Bellamy but punish the others for stopping you from working? Doesn't seem appropriate unless he brings the food." Green eyes began to twinkle almost viciously.

Clarke laughed out loud. "He's really a thorn in your side... Does it help if I tell you he's silent right now?"

"It's a start, although I don't like the right now." If she wasn't the commandant, she would probably have snorted loudly.

"I don't like Cassandra's constant closeness to you either, but she doesn't threaten to miss her limbs after a conversation with me." Clarke couldn't resist the rolling of her eyes.

"It's hard to compare the two with each other."

"She's wooing you, just like Bellamy wooing me, though much more subtly," Clarke insisted.

"You have noticed that?" The brunette raised her eyebrow only slightly, but that didn't detract from her surprise.

"It wasn't that subtle. I've been watching you, and it seems you're no stranger to that affection. Obviously, I missed a lot of things while you were away." Her heart began to ache from the feared mistrust.

Clarke just looked at her, she knew the brunette wouldn't tell her, and she gave in under the blue-eyed stares. "She offered me a night in bed..." She was silent, but the blonde was still fixated on her. Sighing, Lexa gave herself another hit. "There was a time when I accepted that offer, but that was a long time ago." A wave of jealousy gripped Clarke, and she didn't know what to say in return, so she was glad when dinner arrived shortly after. The silence continued, and both women were unsettled, wondering what they were. Friends? But that didn't seem to be enough, nor did it explain their feelings. And yet they weren't a couple, even though they had certain inclinations to support it, including monogamy. To feel committed to each other without actually being more. But did that make sense? All the back and forth and all the uncertainty, the hidden desires and hopes. All the fears of whether they could ever be more than those hidden moments that they stole from themselves, as if it were a crime, a betrayal of everything they knew. "It doesn't matter anymore, it never really did. A consolation, an opportunity to minimise their loneliness together, but that's all it was."

"Surely she doesn't think so." The blonde wondered if she could keep up with the past of the commander and a woman like Cassandra.

"Even if that's the case, I don't share her view. It's not even an option. I give you my word." Across the table, Clarke sought contact with Lexa. It was a gentle touch, nothing more than she dared, as if she could burn herself. "Same goes for Bellamy. He speaks in big tones and accepts no with difficulty. I have no interest in him and hope that he will soon devote himself to someone else or finally learn to control his urges. THAT would be a gift to the world of women."

"Am I too angry to think of him sometimes as a eunuch?" Twitching corners of her mouth met the wry smile of Clarke, who tilted her head slightly. "I'm afraid he has nothing else to offer, at least if you leave his sister out."

"Would you like to tell me more about what you've experienced over the past few weeks? I feel like I've missed a life." Lexa sighed, thinking of the many conversations she had over the past few weeks, of which she was not a part. She would have liked to see her twinkling eyes on her voyage of discovery, instead of worrying about politics and telling allies about the importance of the coalition. So she was all the more pleased to hear Clarke's stories.

She told of her explorations in the Tower itself, as well as in Polis and her conversations with Ryder. She told of her beginnings in the laundry room, where she had met Octavia, and how it took her long to believe that she was actually related to Bellamy. She also kept busy with her new daily life, and Lexa asked questions with interest. 

"Would you consider cooking for me one day, too?" The question asked quietly made Clarke smile. "But only if you do it for me one day."

Lexa laughed. "Believe me, that wouldn't be a good idea. I may have many talents, but this is definitely not one of them." The blonde gave her a wry smile and began to ask her questions about the peace negotiations, the journey, but also her past. 

The conversation never seemed to end, and when they finally said goodbye, it was equally hard for them to go to their own rooms. Clarke wanted to be close to Lexa so much that it pained her. But she knew that if she gave in to that desire, there would be no going back. But neither words nor deeds could be taken back, so she did everything carefully. Never too much, never too little, otherwise her heart would perish, like a flower forgotten to water. 

Lexa, meanwhile, stood behind her door, still holding her grip, trying to resist the urge to knock on Clarke's door and leave all her misgivings behind and surrender to her with all her senses, but she too stayed where she was. "Some things take time to grow and sometimes to understand the truth." Nyko's words struck Titus. "A commander waits for no one, he is answerable to no one but himself. Time is a luxury he does not have." But that was even before the agreement was reached, before it established the coalition and brought about peace. Even if it had still not reached the scale she had imagined. But there, too, time and patience played a key role.

The brunette took her hand off the handle and ran through her hair instead. She noticed the chaos inside and knew that her mind would not rest, so she sat down on the floor in front of her bed and went into the lotus posture.

"Peace and war are so close to each other that sometimes they even come from the same motives. Sometimes, however, you have to stop and take a step back, rather than take the path forward, to avoid going in the wrong direction." She was deeply immersed in her meditation, searching for peace, maybe even answers. 

"Time is manifold and non-linear, yet all too often it seems to slip through our fingers. It's all the more important to prioritize, choose wisely. And above all, choose wisely." She began to loosen her shoulders, let her head spin, and as her eyes opened, her gaze cleared in a few seconds. "Time is manifold, not linear..." continued to ghost through her mind, not letting go. So she inevitably wondered, if time is variable in its nature, how could it follow a pattern or even a sequence? It had to be connected to something beyond the confines of mind. "There's so much we don't understand, and more we don't want to understand." Did she just set her limits for herself, or were they set for her?

*** 

The next day could be one of many, were it not for the moment of Clarke's trial soon to catch up. Driven by longing and fear. The desire for the beginning and the fear of the end. She felt alone and protected, a paradoxical mix of emotions that didn't seem to fit together and did.

Her body was heavy as lead, and she struggled to get out of bed and get dressed. Despite the happy ending of her evening, she had not been able to rest, her thoughts even more confused than usual. Raven had spoken to her during her shift, saying, "I don't want to see you here for the next few days. If you're so distracted, you're just a danger. You end up hacking someone else off. Even though I could understand Bellamy," she continued. It had been her way of showing compassion.

And so Clarke wandered the corridors, looking for distraction, until she stood in front of Lexa's room, 

She didn't know what to do. But she didn't want to be alone in her thoughts for long, because suddenly the door was opened, and Lexa almost ran into her. Surprised, she stopped. "I was just on my way to you." The brunette stepped aside and let her in. "Please sit down." Clarke went to the chest in front of the bed and sat down, not without asking Lexa to do the same.

"The delegates are arriving tomorrow, and I wanted to see how you're doing." The brunette complied and sat down next to her, but Clarke couldn't get a look at her. "And my fate will be decided."

"Clarke, it's not you who are accused of a crime, it's Nia. You don't have to worry about it." Lexa knew the emissaries well enough to know that the outcome of these talks was not as clear-cut as they should be, partly because she was sure that the Ice Queen had something to do with it.

"It's going to be an important day, and I have to convince them of the truth of what I'm saying. It's not going to be easy, given the circumstances." Her voice was powerless, leaving her shoulders hanging.

"You're not alone, Anya and Luna will also be there to support you. Just like... just like me." Lexa hesitated briefly before continuing to speak. "My support would be even more important if we made it official. No more formal address, even in front of the generals or delegates, because then everyone would know that I am behind you unconditionally." Once again, the brunette made herself vulnerable by taking a step towards Clarke, both mentally and physically. It wasn't easy for her, as she didn't want to cross another line after the kiss and at the same time protect her heart. "I know all this is not easy for you. A lot of things are uncertain, but please believe me when I tell you I'm not one of them. I'm not uncertain, there's no waiting, there's no hesitation, I know what, or rather who, I want, Clarke. I love you, and nothing you could ever do or say will ever change that. So let's dare to take the next step, even though you've always been against it. I mean, just until you stopped approaching me in the private rooms, I had to do a lot of convincing. But what's against it?" Again, it was heart overhead. Feeling over mind. She knew the risk of being rejected, yet she was willing to take it, knowing that it was worth it. We all tend to have doubts that influence what we do, hold us back, fear of making mistakes and showing vulnerability. 

Clarke's eyes began to glow. "My freedom is a mirage. A beautiful lie that has been carefully constructed and will catch up with me sooner or later, even though I will try with all my might to stop it." She gently took Lexa's hand. "I don't want my consequences to be yours, and they would, believe me."

"What does that mean?" Lexa was confused.

"It's not a no, it's a, not yet." Clarke sighed deeply and ran through her hair. "Even though I doubt you'd still want it if you knew the truth."

"Nothing in this world could convince me otherwise." The brunette believed her words, while Clarke was full of fear, full of the doubts she seemed to have. 

"That's what you're saying. It's easy to say something like that without knowing the big picture." The blonde stood up and walked a few feet away.

"How am I supposed to understand if you don't tell me." Lexa also stood up and followed her. "You speak in riddles and walk away from me. What are you so afraid of?"

"Your judgment, and that it's going to be like anyone else before you who's heard it. I want to be honest, but I can't. I couldn't bear to lose you. I feel that certainty in the depths of my soul. It's like we've been at this point many times before, with the same result, and rejection again means a rupture from which my soul, my entire existence, would not recover. It would be the end of everything I ever was and ever will be. It's like I would just cease to exist."

"I feel your words to my soul, they make them tremble with grief and guilt I don't understand, yet they seem so real and true in ways that take my breath away. I can't take away your fears and I doubt that my words will overcome your misgivings. But I hope that my actions make a difference, that they show you whatever you need to see. But I'm not going to stop saying how I feel about you because I'd rather say too much than one day regret having been silent."

They held each other's hands, blue eyes glistening from the fluid gathered inside. Clarke tried to understand, or at least to understand. Emotions deeper than the deepest place in the ocean, deeper than the Mariana Trench, filled the room with their revelation, and so it took the blonde a few minutes before she was able to say anything. "I believe you. Every single word, because I know you believe it. But that doesn't change my feelings, so I can't do what you want. After all, haven't we all played a game that we knew we couldn't win, until the end in the hope that we were wrong?"

Lexa heard the sadness and the imagined certainty of a truth she could not escape. Intensely, the brunette gazed at the young woman in front of her. There was nothing she could say or do to convince her otherwise, yet she could not let it rest on herself, nor leave her alone with her thoughts. "This is not a game for me. It's not a try. This is beyond my comprehension. What we have means to me a freedom that I never had. I choose you as much as I choose me. Freedom sometimes means having the courage to take a chance, because that's the only way to achieve happiness. I'm not willing to give up any of it. It may seem foolish, but it's what's worth fighting for. You're my freedom, and you're the path to myself and my happiness." Lexa spoke with passion and dedication, because every word she said spoke the truth. Her heart and body were filled with warmth and love. "Before you, I didn't know what love even meant."

The blonde sighed and ran through her hair. "And what about me do you love? We've only known each other a few months, how can you speak of love?"

"I know you well enough to know that I'm doing it. It's not the duration that's relevant, it's the feelings that are triggered. And I know you, that's the biggest thing you're wrong about. I know your weaknesses as well as all your many strengths. I see your compassion for everyone you meet. See your intellect and your strategic thinking. I know your stubbornness and the strong will that springs from it. I also know that you are afraid. Afraid of being hurt and abandoned, that your trust will be betrayed again. But I'll always be on your side, maybe disagree with you, but I won't leave you alone."

"I wish I could believe you." The blonde was trapped in her fear. It didn't matter how much she wanted to trust Lexa, but when everything inside of her was against it, she felt powerless.

But the blonde cut her off. "No, Lexa, I've hurt you enough already."

She set out to leave, but the brunette stopped her. "Please stay. Nothing feels more wrong than letting you go now."

"Why are you doing all this?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could Lexa, after all, stand here in front of her and stop her? Ask her to stay instead of sending her away? 

"Because love doesn't demand." Clarke stopped, frozen. She couldn't move. 

"Love is unselfish in everything it does. It doesn't demand, only man does. It's as if feelings have to be proved. But love isn't a thing, it's a gesture filled with mindfulness for the other. It requires dedication and trust. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. The core is always the same." She felt her brother's hands on her face, saw his kind smile, and felt him pull her into his arms. "Love, Clarke, will never demand. Everything else is hope for love, and that's never enough." And that's when she understood.

"You're right, everything you say, and that's the reason I'm holding back. Even though I want nothing more than to believe every word you say, I don't know if I'm ready yet." The blonde sighed.

Lexa took Clarke's hand in hers, held it gently and began to fondle her tenderly before smiling at her lovingly. "I don't expect you to be ready, but I want you to know I am. I'm going to wait for you until you are. For a lifetime, if that's the time you need. I would never force you to do anything, I just hope to convince you of the truth at some point."

"How can you, how can all this be real? How can I be worth taking on all this hardship?" Clarke looked into bright eyes that looked at her with understanding as if she were the most precious thing in the world, and she couldn't hold back the tears. They poured out of her eyes like torrents, and immediately Lexa pulled them close to her. The blonde buried her head in Lexa's neck and just let herself be held. Gently, the brunette stroked her hair and began to talk to her with reassuring words. "You're worth everything and much more. I can't understand why you can't see that. I wish you could look through my eyes for a second." They deliberately kissed Clarke on the head and held her even closer. "I'm here for you, whatever comes, you'll never be alone again. You don't have to go through this night alone." 

Lovingly and sad at the same time, the blonde looked at Lexa. "I can't stay, not like this. Maybe never, I don't know." Clarke sighed deeply. "I'm racing and rushing in equal parts, arriving and staying away. Everything in me seems to be a single contradiction that I can't sort out. It wouldn't be okay to expect you to do that, because if I stayed with you tonight, I wouldn't be able to walk. But the danger remains. She won't rest until she gets what she wants. I don't know if I can risk losing you. Head over heart. Mind over emotion."

The brunette sighed deeply. "We're not puppets tied to ropes just waiting to be played. We have a choice and make decisions even when we don't. Silent acceptance of one's destiny. You're not a victim anymore and you never have to be one again," Lexa said, but Clarke thought otherwise. "We're both prisoners. You are prisoners of your teachings and I am prisoners of mine. You may see differences, but I see the equation, the similarity that underlies it. How can you deny what's in front of you?"

"Just because I don't take it for granted doesn't mean I'm denying it. Let's change what we can, instead of mourning what we seem to lack. It's just a different approach. Tell me, Clarke, has yours come true so far? Bring the happiness you dreamed of?" The brunette knew the answer long ago, was even sure of it, but sometimes it was not enough to understand, and only self-knowledge brought the desired peace. 

The blonde could have denied the truth of which they were both certain, just to maintain their own pride. But what would have been the purpose, or its added value? "No, not entirely, and not as I had hoped."

"Then what's stopping you from even trying? I want to believe in the beauty of my dreams and in a future that holds them. Far from anyone who speaks out against them." In that moment, Lexa stood up for herself. It was the bravest decision of her life, and one that Lexa would never regret.

"I'm afraid to know everything, that my wishes will come true, only to end up living without them." And thus without you. But this was not their moment. Clarke didn't know if he would ever come, and if she would feel him if he ever did. She wanted to fly, she wanted to be free, but it seemed as if she were tied to chains, to rocks weighing a hundred.

"If you withdraw from everything that matters to you, that matters to you, you will end up being left alone." Lexa spoke softly, unexcitedly, but the meaning struck Clarke like a blow; hearing the truth hurt. "Escaping from one's own feelings may sound tempting, but it's a lonely path." The brunette spoke from an experience that still hurt her.

Clarke stroked gently over Lexa's hand. "Loneliness was my companion for a long time, and I believed it was my destiny. I am still trying to comprehend, to question what I have learned, and to move forward courageously with that knowledge. But the conversations we are having now are never ending, they are like a circle, without beginning and without end. I know you don't understand everything, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You want to take a risk whose consequences you can't fully appreciate, and I don't want to put you through it. Let's wait and see what the negotiations bring before we discuss an unknown fate. We do not get anywhere in this way and only fools repeat their actions and expect a different result. And we are not fools."

"Sometimes we're all fools."