Several Lifes

We are all finite. Even those who resist and whose fear dominates their lives. We are all finite, this thought is associated with many fears and uncertainties, unforeseeable consequences. Perhaps pointing out the mistakes we have made, showing us our fallibility, perhaps even holding it against us. No denial of facts, no squirming, but facing up to the truth. But even the person who, in his God complex, thinks he is superior to everything is finite. Only life itself is endless, time is ultimately just a construct to be able to act accordingly. In reality, however, the hours only have the value that we ascribe to them; without this division, they would exist just like the air we breathe. Yet man in his arrogance chases them, in the utopia of immortality, but isn't the decisive thing what we leave behind when we ourselves are no more?

December 20, 2149

The doors of the great hall were forcefully opened and the Azgeda delegation entered, led by the Ice Queen. It was an impressive entrance, which only had no effect on Heda herself. Everyone else flinched noticeably, which brought a satisfied and self-righteous smile to Nia's face. With large, heavy steps, the older woman walked towards Lexa. Her stance strong and proud, as if nothing could dissuade her from her plan. Not even the commander himself.

"Why are you here, disrupting this meeting?" The brunette spoke in a strong voice, as if Nia were an insect and her presence an unwelcome one.

"I knew you were planning to gather everyone and have been waiting to speak in front of everyone. It took you a long time to finally do it. A shame or even an admission of your incompetence?" This time there were no indirect messages. The attack was open and happened in front of everyone. There was no way to dodge and her every move was watched and judged. If Heda failed, it would mean her death.

"What is your concern?" Lexa knew Nia's tactics and therefore didn't want to give her a stage for grand speeches or even room for further accusations.

"We demand the extradition and death of Wanheda, or Clarke, as you call her." A murmur went through the room and even the brunette was surprised, but didn't let it show. "On what grounds? After all, she's under my personal protection and she's considered part of this conversation." Lexa kept her voice as neutral as possible, devoid of any emotion.

However, the ice queen shrugged off her words. "Breaking the truce and deliberately killing countless of my people."

"Azgeda didn't just attack her village on your orders, she wiped it out, and if someone dares to oppose you, you call that a war crime? I see nothing to back up your words." The commander in her knew it even before it happened. She had given the Ice Queen an opportunity to attack her.

A mischievous smile appeared on Nia's face, which quickly disappeared. "I am indignant at the actions of our commander. Such serious accusations and I don't even get the chance to describe the situation from my point of view. Instead, Heda takes Wanheda's side without knowing all the facts! It's not her village. She wasn't born there and she's not part of our coalition. No, she's hiding from her own people! The Commander believes the word of a stranger more than a member of her council! Heda has become blind and deaf to the concerns of her own people, unless they serve her own needs. It's a disgrace and tramples on the very purpose and basic principles of the Council."

"She's the only survivor, who else but her could tell about it?" Lexa stood up from her throne, her head raised proudly, almost baring her teeth. "And I have seen the village and your deeds, Nia! They bore your mark. You branded them, every last one of them, like animals being slaughtered! You're lucky Clarke doesn't demand revenge! It doesn't matter if she was part of the village or not, but you blatantly violated the truce! You could lose your head for this!"

The woman with the scars on her face and the curly blonde hair laughed spitefully. "The Council would never allow that. He knows my strength and he doesn't want to incur the vengeance of my people, which would inevitably happen." She was sure of herself. The coalition was a structure built on shaky legs that would falter with the right nudge.

"Regardless of your position, you have violated the agreement and you are not immune to consequences." Nevertheless, Nia smiled in victory, which the commander replied. "Take the Ice Queen delegation prisoner, we need to discuss the next steps."

Stunned, the Ice Queen looked at her until an unprecedented diabolical grin graced her lips. The next thing she said was for the Commander's ears only. "Then my daughter would have to come with us. I doubt you really want that." For a moment, the Commander lost his composure, even if it was nothing more than a brief wince. It revealed enough. But the brunette didn't have enough time to take in what she had heard, as Clarke entered the room at that moment. All attention was focused on the blonde, who only had eyes for Nia. The looks the two of them gave each other were clear, perhaps even deadly.

Lexa knew then that the ice queen was telling the truth. She felt the sting in her heart, but that didn't change her mind. Clarke had the right to stand here, after all, she hadn't made a mistake. "That doesn't change your charge. Clarke is a victim, not a perpetrator like you. My decision stands." The brunette nodded to the guards and they seized the Azgeda present, who reluctantly surrendered and submitted to their temporary fate.

Lexa looked at Clarke and made it clear with a slight movement of her head that she wanted to have a private conversation with her. She dismissed those present for the moment and walked ahead of the blonde to her chambers. She turned around, threw her coat back in an elegant movement and sat down on the chest in front of her bed. "Is it true? Are you her daughter?"

She bowed her head for a moment, sighed and looked at Lexa again. "Yes."

"That's why you kept your distance. Your secret." A nod followed. "Then Roan is your brother." Clarke saw the flash of realization in Green's eyes. "And the more you've learned about Nias and my Felde, the more you've been careful not to let me know your true identity." Now it was Lexa's turn to sigh. "Now I understand your fear. You thought I would see you as an informer and therefore an enemy."

"I never was and never will be a danger to you. And I swear, everything I told you is true. I didn't know who you were or what you looked like. I had only been on the run for a few months when one of my mother's scouts discovered me and massacred the village that was kind enough to take me in." She looked Lexa seriously in the eye. "Believe me, it was not my intention to deceive you."

"I believe you, but there's still so much I don't understand. Why did she have you locked up?" The brunette hoped that she would get a more detailed answer this time, but Clarke sighed and shook his head.

"I wish I could tell you, but I really don't know. I spent my childhood in my room, mostly alone. Nia kept my birth a secret, I don't know why, and her hatred towards me was always out of my reach. Roan was allowed outside. Maybe it was the age difference or something completely different. But despite his many privileges, I never begrudged him them. He was my ray of hope. He even brightened up the days that I thought would stay dark forever." Her gaze wandered into the distance before she continued. "When I was little, he used to read to me or make up stories about brave children who had to grow up too quickly. Stories about the unification of the clans and a Skai princess who was braver than I would ever have dared to be in my wildest dreams. I had always been the heroine in each of his tales and for a few hours I was free." Clarke returned from her memory and it seemed she landed hard in the present.

Lexa tried to take her pain away, or at least ease it, and put a hand to her cheek. A single tear escaped blue eyes, which the brunette wiped away with her thumb. "Nyko once told me that freedom means something different to everyone and is therefore weighted differently. I thought I understood his words, but now I realize that I've only just begun to understand the importance, the deeper meaning."

The brunette then fell silent, giving her counterpart the opportunity to continue. "Roan reminds me of you. Like you, he never gave up. He tried to give me as carefree a childhood as possible. He also taught me to read and write. When I was seven, he carved me a sword and showed me how to fight with it. I only survived the attack because of him, if he hadn't taught me how to fight..." Stunned by what had almost been her fate, the blonde shook her head. "He was always my great role model and was disciplined harshly for his help, just like me. But that didn't stop us. Whenever we could, we imagined what it would be like once he was king. Roan always said that he wouldn't hide me and that he was incredibly proud of me." A single tear found its way down her cheek again, which she hastily wiped away. "At some point, I couldn't take it anymore and tried to run away, but I didn't get far. I misjudged the distance between two houses and got stuck. I still felt the blows I got for that days later." Clarke unconsciously rubbed the places where she had been hit before continuing. "I unleashed the all-consuming hatred just a few months later because I refused to wear the King's Mark on my face, or at all. As punishment, Nia tied me up, starved me for a few days and finally burned the mark on my back. So that I don't forget where I come from and what my destiny is." Clarke shook his head and his next words were full of bitterness. "As if that were possible. No one has ever let me forget, the hatred for my mother is too deeply rooted in the clans for that. They all want retribution and if they can't exact it on her, I was a welcome alternative." The two women swallowed deeply at the same time. One swallowed at the cruelty she had experienced, the other at all her ideas, which she feared did not even come close to reality.

Clarke wanted to escape, but she knew that she owed Lexa the truth in its entirety. "As soon as my wounds had healed enough that I didn't risk infection, I fled again. This time, it wasn't a spontaneous action, but a long-planned one. I made it as far as the neighboring forest before I was caught. The guards had orders to catch me without knowing who I was. They knew that asking questions would be fatal for them. But I wasn't taken to my room, instead I ended up in a cell. Roan wouldn't accept it and the day he helped me escape was the day he died. Nia covered up what she did and I escaped as far as I could and eventually found a safe house."

Lexa was visibly at a loss for words. "How were you able to conceal your origins?"

"I made sure not to show my back to anyone, I never went swimming in a river or lake with others and I washed myself when everyone else was asleep. Nyko found out when he examined me and when I woke up he swore not to tell anyone. Roan and he had become close friends after a bear caught the healer and Roan saved his life... My brother was just like that. I wonder to this day how he could develop a heart of kindness despite Nia's teachings." Grief gripped Clarke and a blind, unfounded rage turned on himself. "It got the wrong one of us."

The force with which Lexa's words hit her, the realization that the blonde really thought that way, felt worse than any knife thrust. "You actually think that, don't you?"

"If you knew him, you'd agree with me. There's no one better than him."

Gently, the brunette took Clarke's hands in hers. "I know YOU, that's enough. You're strong, brave and fearless. You defied your fate and took it into your own hands instead."

But the blonde shook her head. "Because of him. I'm only who I am because of him."

"And I'll be grateful to him for that all my life, because even after he died, he protected you." The words were meant to sound comforting, but they only made Clarke feel nauseous.

"Without me, he would still be alive. So many people would still be alive. I have so much blood on my hands. I don't want yours on mine too. I've already caused you enough problems and as soon as the trial is over, I'll look for another place to stay." The burden of her guilt, whether justified or not, seemed to age her and break her more and more. Wounds that had never healed left no scars, but gaping holes that threatened to swallow everything up.

"I understand your motives and also the burden you call your own. I know them too well. Every decision I make doesn't just affect me, it affects all my people. Every mistake I make can cost lives. But I am what I am because of all this. Through the experiences I have had and at the same time I am what I have made of them."

Blue eyes looked at her again, blinking for a long time. She knew those words, so familiar and strange at the same time, like a home that had long ceased to exist and yet still felt like it. All the more she wanted to hear Lexa's answer and what she associated with it. "What do you mean?"

"We all have our experiences, but we perceive them differently. We pay attention to different details and process them differently. They shape me in my thoughts, feelings and the way I present myself. At the same time, what I have made of all this is crucial. What conclusions I have drawn from it and how I have dealt with missteps. We all have the choice to stay down or get up and carry on. And you chose to get up again every day, honoring your brother and his sacrifice."

"Nothing in me feels like I'm doing it. Rather, I feel betrayal of everything he taught me. I have not boldly stepped forward, I have hidden." Shame was reflected in Clarke's expression.

"Courage doesn't only prove itself in an attack, which can be launched recklessly in anger. You're here, defying your mother, even though you're afraid, even though you might want to escape."

"I owe it to Roan with every fiber of my being. If I can't save him, I can at least make sure she is punished. He would want her to receive her just punishment, though I don't know if any punishment ever could be. I finally wish for an ending that means peace. For all of us."

"And that's what you'll get. She's had no restraints on her actions for too long, and it's time to put a stop to it." The brunette was silent for a moment before she gave Clarke a tender smile. "When this is all over, I promise you that you can stay in one place and make your own decisions about your life. You know that I want this to be here, but I won't force you to comply with my wishes. And if it is indeed your will to leave, I will let you go with a heavy heart." Clarke started to say something, but Lexa raised her hand. "You don't have to decide now, take your time and think about everything."

She understood the brunette's intentions. If she was to make a decision, it should be made without pressure, in a way that suited her and indeed her will. It was Lexa's way of giving her space and showing her love at the same time. Love had many ways of showing itself in different ways. Clarke proved hers by making her decision with care.

The brunette gave them a break before calling the delegates to her again and telling Clarke her story. She left nothing out. None of her fallen friends she had seen die, despite her efforts to save them all. She told of the scars of the attackers and their sheer numbers as they overran TonDC and showed no mercy. They spared neither the children nor the oldest members of society, who were no longer a threat, nor did they hesitate to wipe out a village that had never been one.

Clarke narrated until the weight of the burden almost overwhelmed her again. It crushed her and left her alone, like a little girl. Betrayed by life and all the broken promises, as if she had betrayed everyone. And Lexa had to watch her, incapable, trapped in her role and expectations. She had to maintain a neutral stance, even though she would love nothing more than to protect Clarke from all her grief. If it were up to the Commander, she would be spared the whole procedure and Nia would be sentenced directly, but the Coalition needed the feeling of having decided together.

But when the questions to the blonde didn't stop, Lexa did what she could and ended the interrogation. She dismissed Clarke and suppressed her need to follow up and be there for her. Lexa knew she was needed here and as soon as the doors were closed behind the interviewee, the discussions about what she had heard began. The brunette allowed anyone who had a question for her or the other delegates to come forward.

After a few hours, when everyone had spoken, she decided it was time to give them space and the opportunity to follow their hearts and check on Clarke.

Lexa had the blonde taken to an adjoining room. That way, she always knew where the young woman was, but potential attackers did not. She knew that Nia had many allies and right now, when she was about to be tried, the young woman was afraid of an assassin. Not so much for her own life, but for Clarke's.

She nodded to the two guards who were in hiding and opened the door.

The blonde sat huddled in front of a full plate, obviously lost in thought. Lexa's heart tightened. The worry about what Clarke was expecting had to be greater than her appetite.

The blonde still hadn't noticed that anyone had entered the room, so she cleared her throat. "Clarke?"

Her head turned slowly; it must have been minutes before blue eyes met green. Her shoulders sagged and she seemed to have resigned herself to a fate that was not hers. Which her next words proved once again. "What happens to me now?"

"The ambassadors are discussing it now. I've given them time to internalize your words and process their magnitude before I send for Anya and Luna to tell them their part. The main reason I'm here, though, is to check on you." With a sigh, Lexa finally continued. "But it doesn't matter, in the end, I will decide and be in charge." She had always known it, but had only admitted it to herself when she had entered the room and seen the pain in Clarke's eyes, as well as the guilt she carried.

"And what do you decide?" The blonde's heart was beating at a pace so fast it was almost impossible to measure. She thought she knew the answer and thus her fate.

"The evidence is clear, but even if it were otherwise, I would have no choice but to imprison her and release you." The decision was rational and logical, Nia was a constant danger to Lexa and the Coalition, but mostly her heart had spoken. And she had followed him blindly and trustingly.

Clarke's eyes widened in surprise. "Despite the threat?"

"Nia always threatened me, sometimes more covertly, sometimes more openly. Depending on how she thought her cards were stacked. The delegates are scared and that's why the coalition is in danger, so it's up to me to show them the benefits." Without thinking about it, Lexa took Clarke's hand in hers. "But to be completely honest... none of this matters or even matters. I will never let anything happen to you, even if you don't reciprocate my feelings the way I would want you to, it doesn't change mine. Your safety is not something I will gamble away so easily."

Clarke was just about to say something back, having finally found the courage to do so, when one of the guards entered the room with Titus. "Heda, Clarke," he bowed to the commander and nodded to the blond, "Anya and Luna have just arrived and are asking for you."

Lexa gave Clarke one last, apologetic look before becoming the commander again.

"I'm coming. Are all the clan leaders still gathered?" The brunette stood up, straightened her uniform and looked at Titus, who nodded briefly. "Good, Clarke stays here. Position a guard in the room and two extra outside her door. She's still under my personal protection despite the charges. No one enters or leaves this room without my permission." The guards immediately followed the instructions and Lexa made her way into the throne room. Two guards also stood in front of this door, pushing the doors open for their commander and allowing her to make an impressive entrance. Everyone in the hall immediately fell silent and paid their respects by getting down on their knees as Lexa glided towards her throne. She sat down elegantly and let her gaze wander through the crowd as Luna and Anya stepped forward. "Heda," they placed their fists over their hearts and bowed.

"Anya and Luna are here today to tell you in their own words about the atrocities in TonDC, where Azgeda killed innocents in violation of the agreed truce."

The two women immediately began to describe their observations and those present listened spellbound, at least until one of the delegates called out: "Heda and Clarke have already told us the same thing, why are we hearing the same story again?"

"So that you can hear from your own people what happened," was Lexa's reply, which brooked no argument. They might doubt Clarke's stories, but not the word of two esteemed members of the coalition. But there were many concerns that needed to be addressed.

"Nevertheless, their force remains intact," another voice interjected.

The brunette stood up angrily. "Nia has violated our agreements and I won't show mercy before justice just because of her force." She descended the steps towards those present.

"It can be nothing more than a farce that has brought us together here," Cassandra now took the floor. "Do you place her deeds among her forces? How many of you has she tried to intimidate so far? How many lives have been taken? And you stand here and do nothing! We formed a coalition to live in peaceful co-existence. This conversation is a reductio ad absurdum!"

Kaya, in turn, doubted Cassandra's words. "We have long known about your devotion and the limitations of your views when the Commander comes before us with a request. Or have you ever contradicted her? I can't remember any such scenario. And this is not about a trifle, but about the possible triggering of a war. None of this should be disregarded lightly." The leader of the Ouskejonkru cast a meaningful glance around and waited for someone to challenge her, but before Cassandra or Heda could reply, Phyllis of the Yujleda clan did. "We should all remember what we're here for. It's not about blaming each other, it's about finding a solution to this problem." The woman with the dark skin and soft brown eyes, with her calm and velvety voice, had made everyone not only listen to her, but also think about her words. "Cassandra is just as right as Kaya. Azgeda is preventing peace and has already massacred countless of our villages. Nevertheless, it is a risk to punish their leader."

"If we don't punish her, we show her that we are afraid of her. She may threaten us at the moment, but what will happen if we give in to her?" Once again, it was Cassandra who took sides.

Narius, who had so far remained silent, now intervened. "I assume that you have all received Nia's offer as well as I have."

"That would be a betrayal of everything we believe. What would our seer Teiresias say to the fact that you would rather follow a heartless ice queen than his prophecies?" Kaya looked at the Podakru leader, stunned.

"Wasn't he supposed to predict that?" Narius asked back spitefully, aiming for a few laughs, which he was denied.

"You're mocking everything we believe in!" she huffed loudly, earning murmurs of agreement, while others remained silent but gave each other meaningful looks.

"That's enough! None of this is constructive." Lexa had stood up. "We're talking about enmities, about traditions, and forgetting what it's all about." She glanced around the room and took the time to look everyone in the eye for a few seconds. "It's about keeping the peace and preserving the Coalition. I knew she would make you an offer, but how long would it last if she took my role?"

"The commander is right!" Pétros intervened, earning him countless looks of disbelief. "She brought us peace and ended a war that had been in our heads for so long that it would have destroyed us in the end."

"And now leads us into the next one." Koiláda, the leader of the Louwoda Kliron Kru, feared being easy prey in the open terrain they called home. For a long time they had stayed hidden and only since the wars had ceased had they ventured onto their land again. Would this decision drive them out again? And how many lives would it cost?

Anya now stood next to her commander and Luna did the same. "We can do no more than tell you about the horror we saw in TonDC. But we all experienced the horrors of war. We saw loved ones die. But the war is not over yet. Azgeda spreads fear and uses the horror to steer us in whatever direction they see fit. We all know their offer, but to accept it is a betrayal of our faith and values! The Commander was once my Second and has risen with all their deeds and all their sacrifices! We would be foolish to think that we could live a freer or even better life under the power of Nia than we already do!" The tall woman seemed to want to stare down those present, as if she could either change their minds or kill them with a look, should it be necessary.

Luna, calmer in manner but no less passionate in nature, now decided that it was time to make her opinion known as well. "We are all faced with the decision of what we feel is right for our clan. No one can make this choice for us and yet it affects us all. It affects our future and the life we want to lead. But we must not only be able to stand behind it, we must ultimately be responsible for it. I agree with both Heda and Anya. And if we have to fight, we should not do it for death, but for life. If Nia wins, no one is safe." She paused briefly to emphasize the importance of her words. "I and the entire Floukru will stand united behind our Heda until our last breath."

The commander nodded gratefully to the two women. "Are the emissaries ready to make a choice?" Lexa pushed her coat back and sat down imperiously. She looked sternly at the individual faces, trying to gauge the mood and anticipate a possible decision so that she could react accordingly.

Glances were exchanged among those present, revealing that this had not yet happened, and indeed one individual stepped forward. "To be honest, Heda, we are still undecided. The forces of Azgeda are still a fact that we cannot ignore in our assessment. Neither can we ignore the anarchy that could break out without leadership. Nia only had one son, but Roan disappeared a few months ago and is presumed dead. According to the reports, he was an only child."

"Your reports are false. Nia has another daughter, Clarke." It started as a low murmur and grew into a wild jumble of voices. The tenor remained the same, no one believed it and they demanded proof. "I can show you this one in the form of a brand." Nia had inadvertently played into their hands.