Several Lifes

We live in the belief that we are free. Free in our decisions, in the expression of our culture and our actions as well as in our will. But how free are we really? Our genes, eye color, height, even our sexuality - and therefore who we love - play a part in determining this. Our environment plays an equally important role. Where did we grow up? How were we brought up and what values were passed on to us? What are our experiences? The socio-cultural background encompasses many facets, points of view and different weightings.

So are we really free at the end of the day? Or are we stuck with the supposed idea of freedom? And what meaning can we grant it without betraying our values?

December 15, 2149

The ride back to Polis was a long and arduous one, as they took a detour around the Azgeda region. However, this was less because the commander was afraid of an attack than because she did not want to frighten her companions, consisting of Cassandra and Pétros. It was a strategic move that gave her the advantage of being able to talk to the two leaders on the way back. Lexa knew it wasn't ideal, but she used what life gave her. She spoke in big pictures of the past, in which they all waged a perpetual war against each other and there were avoidable casualties on all sides. Among them had been Pétro's wife and his two sons. Cassandra, on the other hand, inherited her father, and although there had been a vote, it seemed to have been more formal in nature. A mourner had been given an important task, which she carried out with dedication, always in memory of the man who had taught her so much. "The past teaches us what mistakes we must not repeat. It is a warning example and at the same time shows us the way forward. But we are still striving for the peace that is still partly denied to us. It is up to us how we want to shape the future. Whether we are an active part or followers who are afraid of change and would rather have life dictated to us instead." Now the brunette looked Pétros straight in the eye. "I want to make the world a better place for our descendants. Without fear, without dying too soon." Now Lexa's green eyes searched Cassandra's pale gray ones. "And I want to honor those who have already risked and lost their lives for this." The commander did not present the two leaders with a choice, did not press them, but pointed out consequences that she was convinced would occur. Experience had taught them that many things were inevitable once they were set in motion and they were already in the middle of them.

Tired, they arrived home in the early evening. Lexa left her horse in the stables and brushed the dust off her clothes. All she cared about at the moment was the blonde hair and blue eyes she had sorely missed and so, despite the prevailing tiredness and exhaustion, she couldn't help the smile that appeared on her lips when she saw Clarke. She widened her eyes and realized that she had missed the brunette even more than she had previously thought.

"You're finally back!" In a romantic comedy, she would have run towards Lexa and jumped into her arms, but as it was, she merely rushed towards the brunette and allowed herself to be drawn into a familiar gesture. She gently stroked a strand of hair behind her ear and left her hand there. If anyone else had even hinted at it, that person would be lying on the floor before they'd even invaded her privacy. But with Clarke, the brunette leaned into the touch and closed her eyes for a few seconds. "We just got back."

"We?" The blonde opened her eyes in surprise and removed her hand out of reflex.

"The leaders of the Delphikru and the Boudalankru have come along. The delegates from the other clans are coming in five days, I had to reschedule. We're running out of time." The brunette tried to make her tone sound relaxed, but this bounced off Clarke without effect. She immediately wanted to know what had happened.

The commander squirmed a little, but knew she wouldn't be able to avoid answering. "We were attacked."

"Were you hurt?" She spun the commander around, looking for blood or something similar, but found nothing. The brunette, on the other hand, smiled, since Clarke hadn't just addressed her formally. But then she reconsidered the situation, grabbed her face and forced the blonde to look at her. "I'm fine, I promise. You don't have to worry about me. But Ilian was hit. He didn't make it." A deep sigh accompanied her words, "We were ambushed and had to flee." The brunette ran her fingers through her hair in dismay. "We thought it was a spy at first, but my departure was no secret and the route we took was the only logical choice."

Clarke was full of grief and fear. So much was at stake and it was her fault that it had come to this. But she reminded herself that her feelings had no place right now, but logic did. "I still wouldn't completely discard the idea until we have certainty. Perhaps an assassin has been planted. We have to be careful." Clarke was tempted to reach for Lexa's hand, but he let his outstretched arm drop again without having achieved anything. "What will happen to his remains?" She swallowed the thought of his body to suppress the images of villagers lying on the ground.

"We had to leave them lying there, but as soon as the situation allows, we'll get them." Lexa clasped the blonde's shoulders. "Nia knows what we're planning and she won't wait for us to make the first move. We need to be ready and you need to be taken to safety. I will triple your protection and for now, you will not leave the tower. No more going it alone, it's too dangerous."

Instantly, Clarke felt trapped and had trouble breathing. Her heart was racing and all the blood drained from her face. Lexa noticed her altered state and caught her before she fell. "I can't do this, not again. Please don't make me do this." Her voice sounded weak and her otherwise bright blue eyes looked glassy and dull.

She carefully took the blonde in her arms and carried her to her room before calling for Nyko. She laid her on the large bed, covered her up and placed a hand on her sweaty forehead. Clarke's eyes remained closed and she couldn't tell what was a dream and what was real. In the end, it was a mixture of what she had actually experienced and her brother's stories that haunted and tormented her.

"What will you call her, my little prince?" his mother asked him.

He looked at the little girl in front of him for a long time, smiling. He had fallen in love with his little sister the first time he had seen her and vowed to look after her. But now, when he told his mother her name, her loving look turned to one of hatred. "Clarke."

Her hatred did not fade over the years, but increased with each new day, sometimes with each moment spent together. Her daughter embodied everything she had tried to avoid and reminded her of her failures.

While she did everything she could to hurt Clarke, her brother tried everything to put their mother's actions into perspective, but he was a child himself who, like his sister, had to grow up too fast. "Some hatred can't be explained and we shouldn't try to. We can't change someone else's feelings, only our reaction to them."

"Sometimes I wish I had never been born, or at least that I would die soon." The little girl was exhausted, exhausted by all the secret questions about why she wasn't enough for her mother, why she didn't love her and what she did to deserve her disgust. If she was just dead weight, why was she still being kept alive? Her little child's soul was cracking, beginning to crumble, but before any part could be lost, her big brother and protector reached for her hand. "Clarke, however great their hatred, my love for you will always be greater."

Over the years, he saved her many times in the same way.

Love was always the answer.

"What's wrong with her?" Lexa looked at Nyko seriously and worriedly. She felt powerless and she wasn't used to that. She was the commander, if she didn't have a solution, who would? But her hands were tied and only the healer would be able to give her the answer she wanted.

"From what you've told me, I think she's had a panic attack." No other scenario made sense to him.

"I wasn't trying to scare her, just ensure her protection." Guilt washed over her and she wished she had reacted differently. Less like the commander she was.

"You don't know what happened to her to make her body react like that. Maybe he tried the same thing you did, just in a different way." Humans were so different in their feelings, and yet they all strove for the same thing. Safety. A basic need in order to be able to develop at all and yet still in short supply. The world was slowly changing, or rather its inhabitants were, and old values still held sway.

The brunette sighed deeply. "There's so much I don't know yet, but want to understand. It's frustrating. It would be easy to force her, but what kind of person would I be if I abused my power for my own ends? I would be no better than Nia."

"I understand the impatience and the desire to find out more. But some things take time, and pushing ultimately causes what it should have prevented. Why don't you take a step back and ask her for her truth? That way she can decide for herself which part of herself she wants to reveal to you."

"What do you mean?" The brunette looked at him questioningly, while Nyko smiled kindly at her. "There isn't just one version of the truth. Just like there isn't just black or white. Everyone experiences their environment in their own way. What seems like a fact to one person is merely a possibility to someone else. You want answers that only she can give you, but are you willing to share something so personal with Clarke? If the answer is no, you don't have the right to ask her for hers."

Lexa could retort that she was all right, that she didn't have to reveal her feelings, but trust wasn't something that should go unrequited. It was a gift that had to be earned, so she nodded. "You can't expect to give nothing and get everything."

"Anything of value carries a certain amount of risk. But ultimately it's worth it, if not, it never really mattered. I think it's important to recognize the difference. Otherwise we waste a lot of time on trivialities."

Clarke opened her eyes just a few minutes after Nyko had left her room. Lexa was sitting in a chair next to her bed, watching her in silence. "That looks kind of familiar."

The brunette smiled. "The falling over and carrying is new, I guess everything else is familiar."

Her voice still a little hoarse, Clarke's laugh sounded more beautiful than anything Lexa had ever heard. It was cheesy and definitely over-the-top in its intensity, especially considering how many times she'd thought it, but at the same time, her emotions lifted her. "I hope it doesn't become a habit." Cautiously, Lexa reached for the blonde's hand and began to play with her fingers. Clarke watched her for a while until she furrowed her eyebrows. "Is something bothering you?"

The brunette wondered if she should be sincere. She wanted an honest answer, but at the same time she was afraid of being asked. In the end, however, she decided to go for it when she thought of Nyko's words. The healer was right, she had to allow herself to be open and trust her instincts that led her towards Clarke. Told her that this was right. Only fear itself would be her opponent. But she wanted to move forward and so she stepped out from the shadows into the light. "I was wondering what just happened and what scared you so much." Clarke's eyes grew wide and she visibly struggled with herself. "It's not an order you have to follow," Lexa added when she noticed her hesitation.

The blonde lowered her head slightly. "I know that. You would never force me to do anything. It's just difficult to answer, to put it into words that I can understand myself and thus bring it closer to you."

"I'm not forcing you, even if I would like to understand." Lexa tried to give her a feeling of security and understanding and therefore the opportunity to open up. Nevertheless, it took a few more minutes before Clarke spoke up again.

"The prospect of being locked up again was unbearable. I know your intentions are completely different, but imprisonment has been a part of my life for so long and now to be able to go wherever I want and go outside whenever I want is happiness in its purest form. It's something I can no longer do without." After a significant pause, Clarke continued seriously. "I don't know if I can expect more from life than I already have. For me, wealth is a moment in which we are simple, without obligations, even if there are certain restrictions."

Clarke leaned back in her bed and the brunette sought contact. Lexa needed him, he was her support to counteract the feeling inside her that wanted to keep her from revealing too much about herself and her feelings. "At another time, or in another life, it might be easier to understand everything that is hidden from us now." A deep sigh slipped over Lexa's lips as she realized that it was now her turn to venture. "The truth is, there are moments when I don't want to be who I am." Stunned, Clarke widened her eyes and couldn't believe what she was hearing. The Commander of the 12 Clans didn't want to be who she was? "Sometimes I just want to be me. I want to laugh and not have to control myself all the time. Do you know what I mean?" Lexa sighed again. "To be able to show emotion... but whenever even the slightest emotion is visible, Titus reminds me of who I need to be for my people."

"That sounds exhausting, and lonely in a way I know." Clarke turned his head away sadly, but Lexa recognized the opportunity behind those words. Perhaps today she would finally learn more about the woman who had fascinated her and so clearly captivated her. "What is your truth?"

"That's a difficult question to which there is only one answer: I don't know who I am." Now it was Lexa's turn to be surprised. "My mother never gave me the opportunity to explore who I wanted to be, and my brother tried to make up for her transgressions. We talked a lot and he did his best, but I was denied a lot of things that were normal for him. Even though he certainly didn't have a normal childhood. After his death, I was on the run and fear was my constant companion." The blonde's breathing quickened again as she thought of her escape, the hunger and the uncertainty. The pain of losing her brother almost robbed her of her senses again. He was all she had ever had, the one constant she was sure would stay and provide protection. He had never sent her away or despised her for existing. He had been her whole life.

"And who do you want to be?" Gently, Lexa stroked Clarke's hand, only this time she applied more pressure.

"As different from my mother as I can be." The brunette just looked at her, hoping to learn more. "All her hate only causes destruction, she's not capable of anything else. Especially not for love, at least not when it comes to me. And it seems I take after her."

Lexa looked at her in disbelief. "What do you mean?"

"I obviously mean death to all those who support me. How else could all the events be explained? First it hit my brother and then a whole village, wiped out by my carelessness, the mistaken belief that there was a way out, an escape from my fate." Clarke cupped her hands in front of her face, but she did not cry, too many tears she had shed in too short a time had taken their toll and now refused to flow any further. A heart could only cope with a limited amount of pain and the resulting grief.

"You didn't make the choice for him to free you from captivity. He did it because he loves you and wanted to free you from your misery, for which you could do nothing. A crazy decision that is incomprehensible led to this and is certainly not your fault, no matter how you feel about it. You were a child, innocent, and yet responsible for things you couldn't control." The blonde tried to understand and on a rational level she could relate, on an emotional level she only saw her guilt. She saw her existence as the cause of every sorrow and ignored the fact that she hadn't asked to be born. "Yet it cost him his life."

"That wasn't your responsibility either, it was hers." Lexa was still trying to point out to her what was beyond her control and what she had therefore been unable to prevent, no matter how hard she tried.

"You can deny everything, but not the lives of the villagers." Clarke felt powerless, weak and at the mercy of her emotions.

"They've made their decision too." But the blonde shook her head vehemently. "But without knowing all the facts, that's not fair."

"I knew the head of the village. She knew what she was getting into and accepted the risk." She reached for Clarke's hands. "I've made a lot of mistakes that I can't undo, but I'm not my past. It doesn't make me or define me. So don't punish yourself for yours. Don't punish yourself for events that happened beyond your ability and control. We are all free to make our own choices, even if we do nothing."

"Your words make it sound easier than reality allows. I can only absolve myself to a certain extent, even though I have always tried." Her heart felt the pain as if it were part of her soul and the guilt she felt lay heavy on her chest.

"Anything of value carries the risk of disappointment or even hurt. How can something of value be easy?" green and blue joined together questioningly. "We both had limited choice, but now we decide our fate and whatever happens, I am willing to try anew each day to live up to mine. "

A smile played around Lexa's lips as she left Clarke's room and unexpectedly came face to face with Titus. "Heda." He indicated a bow. "May I speak to you?"

The brunette nodded and together they went into her study. She sat down and waited for him to speak. "You have made it clear to me that I am not to interfere in your affairs, but current events are causing me concern." She guessed what he was getting at, but remained silent. He took a deep breath and wiped his face. "I think I can understand your desire, but a commander is not entitled to that kind of freedom. He exists for his people, to be a role model and beacon of integrity." Titus' hands were clasped behind his back, his eyebrows now drawn together in disapproval.

"How can I be all that, live up to all those expectations, if I have no one to share it with? If I don't have a place to regain my strength?" Lexa didn't speak any louder, any more clearly. It wasn't her advisor standing in front of her, but the father figure he embodied and whose advice she valued despite her differences of opinion.

"You will find it in your task, meditation and values, like all your predecessors." For him, this was a fact that did not need to be questioned.

"How can you be convinced of all this that you don't know yourself? You have committed yourself to this kind of life, you have decided of your own free will. This task was imposed on me without being asked. It was a great honor for my family, but also a great burden, just as it was for me." It was only after her feelings for Clarke that she realized she wanted more from life. More than just existing for others.

"Are you implying that you want to give up your position?" His stoic mask and strong stance faltered for the first time.

"What I meant was that I don't have to do everything like my predecessors and I want to find my own way, just as I have done so far." Her stance was proud and unwavering. She was convinced by her words.

Titus looked at her and if it wasn't for his Heda standing in front of him, his look could be described as disapproving, but as it was, he began to pace up and down the room. "You could still achieve so many great things as long as you don't let yourselves be distracted any further. And you cannot deny what I have seen with my own eyes, every day. Think one step further, of the possible consequences. What would you do if Clarke was kidnapped?" He stopped and looked at her urgently. "You would do everything in your power to save her, even risking your own life. You cannot ask me to stand idly by. Not while there is still a chance to prevent it." Lexa knew that anything she would say now that contradicted his words would be a lie.

"I'm not asking you to do anything like that, but I wish you could understand me and my motives. I won't act blindly just because I do things differently, but I believe that a good leader listens, considers suggestions, changes them or accepts them. This is how peace came about. Remember, I've been in power longer than any other commander before me." Lexa shook her head in disappointment. "You, on the other hand, are stuck on old values."

"What you call old, I call tradition. They are important for our cohesion, for the community." What would he be without the old customs and traditions? What would Heda still need him for? His task defined him and his value. His position within the clans was all he had ever wanted. His failure was like the disappointment of his faith.

"You have been my teacher for so long, my counselor in so many difficult decisions. I appreciate your concern and your opinions are of great importance. In this matter, however, you will have to trust me; if this is not possible for you, I will ask you to leave your post voluntarily to spare yourself the humiliation of dismissal."

Titus's gaze darkened and he looked at her seriously. "Serving on the Council is a great honor that I wish to live up to, but you cannot expect me to acquiesce to everything. I see it as my duty to raise concerns and possible consequences."

"It is also part of your duty to stand behind my decisions. I have never favored one opinion over another, but have always weighed the pros and cons, and I will continue to do so in the future. Nevertheless, it will involve certain changes and I hope to have you by my side. Ultimately, however, it is up to me to choose what is best for my people." And for her, it was always peace that came first.

"You are right," the bald man bowed low, "and I will not leave my post. I have chosen this life, knowing that I am doing the right thing, and I take that commitment more seriously than my own life is worth. If you allow it, I will stand by you in all that is to come."

"Good, there are important meetings coming up where I will need your support."

"Certainly Heda." With a bow, he stepped away and left her alone. She felt the pressure on her and found it difficult to breathe. "The burden of a commander is like nothing else. He experiences freedom in his thoughts. His actions are always connected to his teachings and characterized by a great sense of responsibility. His heart is pure of impulsive motives and is always subordinate to logic. Head over heart. It is the supreme rule and breaking it can cause many deaths." She was a child, not even 10 years old, 7 at most, when she first heard this sentence. It was burned into her memory, like the fear of breaking it, of making a mistake she couldn't undo. She was the Commander, she had unified 12 clans and saved many lives, and yet it never seemed to be enough. She left her study only a few minutes after Titus had left. Her thoughts circled incessantly and yet made no sense.

How can you take a step forward and at the same time not turn your back on your own values and traditions? How could she do justice to all this without losing herself further? She no longer wanted an everyday life that left her alone, overwhelmed and held her in its claws. Even in freedom you could be trapped. And so she stood still, perhaps not in her mind, but physically. She stagnated when Lcya caught sight of her. "Heda." A bow followed, not required by Lexa, but definitely protocol. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

It broke her out of her torpor. "Thank you, but I don't need anything." She nodded to the young woman and left the tower. Her path led her to Nyko. That way she could at least clear up one question that had been on her mind since her conversation with Clarke. She knocked on the wooden door, which was immediately opened for her. She looked into the shocked eyes of a new apprentice, whose mouth opened again and again, only to close again at the same moment. But before she could resolve the situation, Nyko appeared. "Heda, what can we do for you?"

"I was hoping to speak to you in peace." She tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible and the healer followed suit.

He bowed his head. "Certainly. Lucien, I need some herbs. I've written you a note, it's on the table over there. Go and get them for me, please, but be back by nightfall." The industrious apprentice almost ran out of the hut and Lexa figured he could only be 15 at most. "Please, come in." She grabbed one of the stools and automatically sat down in her usual spot as he closed the door and they were now alone. "What's bothering you?"

She thought of a phrase that managed to capture her thoughts in a meaningful sentence, and yet it didn't seem to be enough. It was a fragment of her feelings, a snapshot that could never express what was really going on inside her. "There's so much I'm not able to change and yet there should be."

"We all have expectations, most of them about ourselves, so it's only logical that they come with a certain amount of frustration. But that's not what's upsetting you. It's the expectations that are placed on you." As if he had witnessed the conversation she had just had with Titus, he knew what was bothering her.

"It's part of the bigger picture. The pieces just won't fit together. It doesn't seem to want to form a picture." The air audibly left her lips.

"Sometimes you can try as hard as you like, but the picture remains hidden. At least until the moment we are ready. Think about all the doubts you had about the coalition, all the fears you had to overcome. You couldn't grasp the consequences, but you didn't let them affect you. The mark weighs heavily and the responsibility is great. Ultimately, the most important question is what your expectations are. What do you want to achieve?" He smiled kindly at her with all his wisdom.

"I want to be more." It was not a detailed answer, not one that had been thought through in every detail, but it was honest.

"That's a start and that's where it all begins." His smile deepened, as did the lines around his eyes.

"But that's not all I came to see you about," she admitted.

The tall man laughed. "That's what I assumed and I assume it concerns Clarke?"

"I should probably resume my years of training if I'm so easy to figure out." Lexa smirked before she lowered her gaze and began to leave marks on the sandy ground with a stick, again confirming to Nyko that there was far more at stake than could be assumed. After a few minutes in which they were both silent, Nyko went to the open hearth and took down the pot hanging above it to fill a jug with hot water. He mixed in some herbs and finally poured the tea into two cups. He handed one of them to Lexa, who took it gratefully. She clutched it, lost in thought, while the healer went about his work and waited. Patience was a virtue he possessed a great deal of.

"How can freedom be everything and nothing at the same time? As if something of importance is not of equal value to everyone." Lexa interrupted the silence at some point and looked intently at Nyko, who took a stool and sat down opposite her.

He looked at her seriously for a moment. The brunette knew that the healer was taking his time to think before giving her an answer. She had learned to appreciate his advice over the past weeks and months and also that it was okay not to have an answer to everything straight away. "I think that freedom means something different to everyone, it is weighted differently and often restricted by fear, because it takes courage. Courage to change something. Even happiness can be scary."

She looked at him a little sullenly. "And how do I manage it anyway?"

He leaned back a little and raised an eyebrow. "That's a difficult question and there's no one key to success, no one way that's the same for everyone. It usually starts with the first step, daring to try something unknown. What I am convinced of, however, is that the heart knows the way and as long as it feels right, how can it be wrong?"

"How do I feel when it's right?" What he said made perfect sense, but it held a secret that she could not yet fully grasp.

"It's the feeling of home, of home, when worries can be shared or even set aside." He rested his hands on his knees and thought of his family, who meant all this to him, and yet that was his way and not the answer to her questions.

"And of freedom?" Now Lexa resembled a small child who felt she had figured out something important.

Nyko's teeth flashed in his big smile. "Yes, of freedom too."

She nodded, a little lost in thought, and drew lines in the ground again with the stick in her hand.

"What does freedom mean to you?" The brunette raised her head and looked at him in silence for a moment. She wavered between putting on the Commander's heroic mask and revealing her true feelings. Neither felt right or wrong, yet one prevailed over the other. "I'm still working that out.

Later that evening, she sought out Clarke again, but didn't find her in her chambers, instead hearing a deep male voice she couldn't place. "Bellamy! I've explained it to you countless times and I'm still not willing to repeat myself every day!" She would recognize this voice out of a hundred, so she followed the sound and didn't like what she saw. The young man was clearly too close to the blonde, who didn't seem to know whether she should put him out of action with a few punches and kicks or continue to appeal to his mind. But before Clarke could make up his mind or Bellamy could respond, Lexa appeared. "Clarke, are you all right?" The brunette gave Bellamy a deadly look before turning back to the young woman in front of her.

"Oh, Heda." The blonde bowed and the commander hated everything about it except that Bellamy had to do the same. "Sorry, I didn't notice you."

Lexa gave her a penetrating look. "Is everything all right?"

Blue merged with green before she looked at her counterpart. "Yes, Bellamy was just leaving."

"Oh, was I?" He could only be labeled as tired of life, or insane.

"Clearly yes, and I advise you to honor her request, otherwise I will have to repeat it, and I'm not asking. I hope that was clear enough for you." His face took on a whitish hue and he hurried to leave. As soon as he was out of sight and earshot, the brunette bridged the distance between them. "Is it silly for me to repeat the same question?" She placed her hand on Clarke's cheek. "What on earth happened while I was away?"

The blonde lowered her eyes. "I don't want Bellamy to feel your wrath."

"Are you worried about him?" She didn't like the thought and the idea that Clarke might like him triggered far too many emotions.

"Not so much for him as for his sister Octavia. They only have each other and I want to spare her grief. Besides, he's not worth your trouble." She tried to smooth things over without giving the wrong impression. She liked his sister and could do without him.

Lexa was unaware of her thoughts and sighed a little. "I suspect there's a lot more going on than you're telling me."

"His advances are annoying and incessant," she played down what had happened. As if he were a fly she had to shoo away, without meaning or purpose.

"I can get rid of them, one word is enough," it was an offer that sounded more selfless than it was. Only too gladly would she take him up on it.

"Would he keep all his limbs?" The blonde raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"I can't guarantee anything." And she really didn't know that, how could she?

Clarke laughed. "I suppose you've forgotten again that I want to spare him just such a fate?"

"If he doesn't hold back, I'll ask you to at least let Ryder take care of it. A few bruises wouldn't hurt his arrogance at all." The brunette almost grinned and seemed to wish such a fate for the pushy one.

"Is it a coincidence that you were walking down this corridor?" Clarke changed the subject abruptly.

"In fact, I was looking for you." She cleared her throat, feeling a little awkward.

"Me? What's this about?" The two women were still standing in the hallway, their surroundings long forgotten.

"I have a meeting with my advisors in an hour and would be delighted to have you here." It wasn't about what had happened in TonDC, but Lexa still wanted her there. She valued her opinion and liked having her around. It made her feel safe and secure.

"I'm honored and happy to accept the invitation." They exchanged a few more words before they said goodbye and Clarke made her way to her chambers to dress for the occasion.

Once in the throne room, the blonde was eyed critically by the others present, but they said nothing as she had followed a personal request from her heda.

"Now that everyone is present, we can begin." In brief words, the commander summarized Pétro's demands and talked about the successful peace negotiations, which were only partly due to his willingness to compromise. Nevertheless, she was willing to comply with his request.

"I don't want to offend you, but I think this decision is a mistake," Clarke finally took the floor and for the first time, someone dared to accuse the Commander of making a mistake in a decision, and not in front of everyone, not in private chambers and not with so much humility that their faces almost touched the floor. The advisors looked at each other anxiously, they knew how ruthless the brunette could be, but contrary to their expectations, she remained calm and appeared composed. "What makes you think that?"

"The Boudalankru made an open threat against you the last time you met and now you are fulfilling all their demands without anything in return? I don't understand your actions," Clarke looked questioningly at her commander.

"They have nothing to negotiate with. Their people are starving and both the drought and the winters of the last few years have affected them more than most. I understand their actions, but I also understand your motives. So what do you suggest?" Openness was reflected in Lexa's face.

"A renewed commitment to the Coalition and directly to you. Let them prove their loyalty and become part of your personal security and your army. Not all of them, so that their country remains protected. Under these conditions, I would find compliance with their demands quite justified. Their warriors are strong and at the same time it would be a demonstration of power and strengthen your position vis-à-vis the other clans." It would be a clever move, especially in the current situation, and the two women knew that.

Lexa looked into the eyes of the beautiful woman opposite her and was impressed by her strategic thinking, which gave both sides a considerable advantage. Still, she was the commander and if she agreed to another idea too quickly, she could be considered unassertive. "Thank you for your interjection, Clarke. I'll think about it." The blonde guessed what that meant, but suppressed the smile that emerged.

This was followed by some of the usual discussions, which could be more productive at times, but the brunette was full of feelings of happiness. Clarke was here, sitting by her side as if she had never done anything else, as if she had always been a part of it all without question. And Lexa began to dream of a future that contained more than just her Heda existence, that she didn't have to make the decisions of this world alone and, above all, carry them.

After another hour, Lexa ended the session and asked Clarke to accompany her for a while. "Do you have a specific destination?"

"I enjoy your company, isn't that fulfillment enough without having to pursue something?" The blonde gave her a broad smile, which Lexa returned despite her attire marking her as a commander. She collected her notes, avoiding having to look at her counterpart. "You really were very impressive today." Blue eyes widened in surprise. "You were fair and found the best possible solution for everyone." The blonde fell silent, embarrassed. She could deal with insults of all kinds, but she had nothing to counter nice words or even compliments. How could she have something about her that impressed even someone like Lexa? She couldn't imagine. To her ears, it sounded like an untruth that one believed and the other wanted to believe. "I don't think there's anyone more impressive than you, and I'm just trying to live up to that."

"That was far more than simple emulation. Don't let anything that seems innate be taken away from you." The brunette paused and looked at her before moving closer to the blonde and brushing some hair out of her face before letting her hand linger on her cheek. "Clarke, I know I've brought it up a few times, but I'm asking you to call me Lexa."

"I wish I could." The blonde sighed. "You know the protocol better than anyone. Only family members or the partners are allowed to call Heda by her first name. I don't have the right to go against custom."

"What if we change that?" Lexa asked hesitantly, more uncertain than she had ever been before.

"What do you mean?" Clarke didn't understand, she really didn't.

Lexa swallowed. "I meant the official part... that we..." She tried to find the right words, careful, each syllable carefully chosen. Blue eyes still looked at her questioningly and so she did the only thing the brunette could think of, she took a step closer. Slowly, deliberately, but Clarke didn't back away, not even when she clasped Clarke's arms with her hands and then reached for her hips. She held her gently, looking for rejection, fear or any other negative feeling that the blonde might associate with her, but apart from curiosity, she found nothing. Lexa bridged the few centimetres that still separated them and placed her lips on her counterpart's perfect ones.

It felt like a rush, Clarke tasted like spring, like a morning that woke you up with its warm rays of sunshine. The brunette felt as if she could breathe properly for the first time, the pressure on her chest disappearing and leaving behind a freedom she had never known before. This remained even after they broke away, at least until Lexa looked into blue, sad eyes from which tears were flowing. The brunette immediately reprimanded herself. She had obviously caused her grief. She had been so focused on her own feelings that she hadn't even noticed.

She took Clarke's hands in hers. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Lexa brushed a tear from her cheek. "I shouldn't have done it without asking your permission. Please, forgive me." She went to her knees in front of her. The Commander of the 12 Clans, who didn't have to justify himself to anyone, let alone show deference, did just that. Clarke followed suit and the two women found themselves at eye level. After the feelings they had just shared, it seemed wrong to carry on as before, regardless of protocol and all the rules. "You don't have to apologize. I... I just can't accept the honor." She still owed her the answer as to why, and Lexa, in her vulnerability, didn't ask, even though it was all her heart yearned for. But the moment had passed as quickly as it had begun and Clarke stood up. She left the premises, but took one last look back at the still kneeling woman, whose eyes were fixed on the floor. The blonde wanted to say so much, but her lips remained sealed, even though it broke her heart to see Lexa like this.

Tears ran down the blonde's cheeks and she hastily wiped them away. She ran faster and faster until she finally stopped when she reached her room. She cupped her hands in front of her face and let herself fall onto her bed. Would she ever be able to tell her the truth about herself? Or would she be chased out of here too? She knew that her fear was justified. Her escape had taught her that, but was there really a chance for her to arrive? To give her heart the peace it desperately needed? Or was she hoping in vain and the tower, and with it the proximity to the Commander, was only a temporary home, as she had always feared? She had known it when she had moved into her room, but the last few weeks had made her forget who she was and fueled a hope in her that collapsed on her with only a single moment to prove her wrong.

"We are what we have always been. There is no escape, no repression, no wishing. Especially not for you. Stop deluding yourself before you mean death for us all, Clarke." The tall woman looked down from above at her daughter, whom she was supposed to be watching.

"But..." The little girl's big eyes filled with tears, but her opposite knew no mercy. "There is no but. The sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you accept your fate instead of creating illusions and chasing after utopias. You can be glad you're still alive."

"Why should I die?" The little blonde girl cupped her hands to her face and began to cry loudly. But she didn't manage to soften the cold, cruel heart. She triggered nothing in the adult in front of her. At most, contempt for so much weakness.

"Your right to exist ceased when you were born. The only reason you are still alive is that time has not yet run out for you, but it will and sooner than you would like." After that, her mother had disappeared, leaving a little girl alone in her misery. How could she not be worth more? What had she done wrong? She was young, scared and had already been trapped for many months. She only cried more bitterly and began to hate herself more with each passing day. She was dragging the only person who had ever meant anything to her into the abyss. Was her mother right? Would she mean his death?

When she heard soft footsteps, she flinched. How could he get to her again? And what would happen if SHE found out?

He stopped in front of the bars of her prison, her brother, who was seven years older than her, and squatted down on the floor in front of her. He gently put his hands through the bars and gripped her chin. "I will never understand her hatred." He wiped away her tears and gave her a smile, but it was not returned. Instead, she looked at him far too seriously and maturely for her age. Sometimes he wondered how long it would take for her mother to break her tender childlike soul. "But he's forcing you to put yourself in danger, I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Her hatred has nothing to do with you, Clarke, it comes from her nature, not yours. We all choose a side, the side of hate or the side of love. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a choice, even down here you do. I am what I have lived through my experiences and at the same time I am all the choices I have made and they will shape you too."

"I don't understand what you mean." Big innocent eyes looked at him. "Choose wisely whether to let their hatred destroy you or let kindness into your heart. I love you, I always have, since your first breath, when you weren't even born. Don't let me change you or push you in a direction that doesn't suit you."

"And how am I supposed to do that? HOW?" She began to cry again, feeling the dark shadow on her soul.

"By making your actions louder than YOUR words. Be kind, give love, be mindful and full of appreciation for every living being. We are far more than the actions of others, yet they can influence lives. How is up to you."

Tears streamed down her face and she felt as if she had betrayed his legacy. She didn't feel kind, she didn't feel mindful and her emotions scared her. She had had to fight for so long that she had forgotten how to be more. More than just functioning.

Overwhelm and shame spread through her mind because Clarke knew she had done wrong. She should have stayed instead of leaving Lexa alone. She should have apologized, but she was filled with the fear of rejection. Which would not have followed, which would never follow. But this feeling was a part of her that consumed her and confirmed all her fears, which she would have liked to have denied. But there was no guarantee, there never was. Her thoughts threatened to wrestle her to the ground and so she decided that she couldn't stand another minute in her room. Despite her day off, she made her way to the kitchen. She needed a distraction, even if it consisted of a stressful evening and Bellamy. But the man with the great self-confidence was almost disturbingly silent. He didn't even look her in the eye. Apparently, despite his assurances, he did have respect for the commander and didn't want to feel her wrath. Raven, on the other hand, was glad that Clarke had come; someone had spontaneously called in sick and the blonde was working for two. She also had a talent and a certain flair for spice combinations that couldn't be taught, not that Raven would admit that to her. It wasn't really relevant to Clarke either, she had discovered her joy in cooking and that was all that mattered to her. And so she washed, cut and cooked without pause or break. She was there long before anyone could ask her for help, as long as she didn't have time to worry about anything. But after a few hours, the last plate was washed, the last glass dried and all the preparations for the next day were done. Despair spread through the blonde. Her nights had been short since she had been under Raven's leadership, but they still felt too long. The Latina seemed to notice her condition, walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder before disappearing from the kitchen.

Clarke knew that no matter how long she put it off, it wouldn't change the fact that she would have to do the same to her boss at some point. And without the everyday noise, it was disconcertingly quiet. But at some point she couldn't stand it any longer and made her way to her room. On the way, she greeted everyone she met with a smile, even if she didn't feel like it. She finally reached the top floor and was just turning a corner when she saw Lexa and Cassandra disappear into the brunette's private chambers. Clarke stood frozen. She couldn't take her eyes off the door and her thoughts began to run wild. Her fantasies were playing tricks on her, or so she hoped. But when the two women hadn't come out again after an hour, she couldn't stand it any longer. She raised her hand, clenched into a fist, and knocked. Just a few moments later, the door opened and Cassandra stood in front of her. Fully dressed, which the blonde was visibly pleased about, as it didn't look as if she had dressed hastily.

The taller girl looked at her and seemed to be waiting for Clarke to say something as she looked at her closely. "Is there anything I can do for you?" she finally spoke up, albeit far more coolly than she had originally intended.

"I was hoping to speak to the commander," she answered hesitantly, wondering if she had perhaps interrupted them.

"She's busy elsewhere at the moment." Whether the choice of words was deliberately ambiguous remained open, but the blonde didn't like the possibilities that came with it.

"Clarke?" Lexa's voice rang out before she also appeared at the door. "Is everything all right?" She looked at her full of emotion and sounded more worried than she should have in front of an audience.

The woman nodded. "I didn't want to disturb you," which was a lie, but now that she had obviously just let her imagination run away with her, she had no plausible excuse as to why she wanted to talk to her.

"Could you leave us alone?" This question was directed at Cassandra and she realized in that second that the rumours were true. Her heart broke, albeit out of sorrow rather than anger or a desire for revenge.

"Certainly. We can postpone the conversation until tomorrow." With one last look at Clarke, the Delphikru leader disappeared.

"I'm truly sorry for interrupting your conversation," the blonde apologized again as soon as she had closed the door behind her.

"Cassandra only had questions and suggestions about the meeting that's about to take place, none of which can wait until tomorrow, besides, I'm happy to take the time for you." Lexa gave her a heartfelt smile, pleased that the blonde was visiting her today despite what had happened. Clarke, on the other hand, blushed slightly, which only intensified the commander's smile. But how honest was the blonde supposed to be? She opened her mouth, but not a word escaped her lips and the brunette simply waited while she poured them both a cup of tea. "Is it that bad?" A shake of the head accompanied the answer. "No, I... I just saw her enter your room and... decided after a while, well... I..." Clarke swallowed deeply. "I wanted to see you, and... and..." The brunette understood and enjoyed that the longing was apparently mutual and that the kiss hadn't taken them apart. "And to apologize. I behaved wrongly. I should have stayed and..." But Lexa interrupted her. "You don't have to apologize, obviously I went too far. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. That was never my intention."

"I was, am, overwhelmed by your affection, never would I have dared to dream that you would harbor such a desire." That someone like Lexa not only liked her, but even felt more... She had always dismissed it as imagination or reverie.

"We have time." A soft smile played around her lips. "I hope I'm not too presumptuous to make this request of you again now, but I would be happy if you would call me Lexa. At least in the private chambers." It was more of a wish than a hope. How could she expect more? Even if Lexa wished they didn't have to limit it, she didn't dare ask for more. To ask for more that Clarke might not be willing to give. Didn't her hesitation reveal everything the brunette needed to know? But the blonde nodded, which Lexa didn't notice in her attempt to convince her. "Even Nyko agreed and..." the blonde reached for her hand.

"Lexa... I... yes." They were three simple words that were so much more than they seemed. Three words, skillfully chosen, could be the beginning as well as the end. Three words were enough to make Lexa smile from the bottom of her heart.

The sun met the moon like a promise, as if they had made a vow to step out of the shadows into the light. A new beginning, not for the others. No, only for themselves and therefore also for others.