Several Lifes

Parting and the grief that follows are a part of life. Every relationship ends at some point, some sooner, some later. The reasons are as varied as grains of sand on the beach. Some are final and others promise to continue. Leaving hope in the heart that is not always justified. The only way to avoid these feelings is not to enter into relationships. But is a life away from any emotions and ties really worth living? Or is it wasted time, guided by fear, giving way to inevitable bitterness.

Emotions that are not lived wither away in their loneliness just like the soul. Cease to exist, having been deprived of their importance.

November 18, 2149

The conversation with Clarke continued to occupy Lexa's mind for a long time, even after she was already back in the tower and going about her duties. She thought about her childhood, her opportunities to say goodbye and how much it had been missing from her life. The brunette would have wished for someone to allow her to grasp the grief and thereby let it go, but she had not been allowed to grieve, her duties as Heda had always been more important. Her feelings always secondary, as if they had no value unless they served her role as Commander. The loneliness that followed that thought slammed over her and she felt the emptiness it brought. Never would she allow Clarke to fare as she did, and so she decided to be that person for her, even if she didn't know how to be an emotional support. The right idea finally came to her in the middle of the night and so the brunette had everything necessary arranged the following day before going to Clarke and asking for a few minutes of her time.

Lexa led her into the woods and towards a small clearing that was previously unknown to her. Curious yet silent, the blonde waited for an explanation. What did Lexa, she scolded herself in her mind, the commander, want to show her? She looked around and all she saw was a pile of firewood that had been carefully stacked. There were no other clues.

"It certainly doesn't replace the original ceremony, but I hope it helps you with your grief." And then, finally, Clarke realized what Lexa had arranged especially for her, and her respect for her only grew. She appreciated the gesture more than she could put into words and would have loved to wrap her arms around it. But such confidingness was not her place.

The brunette took her position and pointed to the piled wood. "We light these logs in memory of all those we have lost." Clarke smiled and stood at her side after a glance from Lexa before they lit the fire together and the commander continued. "In the fire, we cleanse the pain of the past. We redeem the souls from their grief and heal all the pain inflicted. The burned bodies become ashes and finally new life is born. We are one with the nature that surrounds us, living in harmony with it. When we die, we go back to the place of our origin and wait for the survivors. Watch over them until that moment when life reunites us." Lexa looked over at Clarke questioningly and gave her an encouraging nod before finally taking a step back to signal her that she could give in to her sensations and thus let them go.

"May your souls rest in peace and find their safe way home until we meet again. Yu gonplei ste odon." After that, Clarke said nothing more, but felt. Felt the pain and sorrow, as well as the joy and all those sensations she could not put into words. Always at her side, the commander. Away, but close enough to make her feel safe and secure. When the pain subsided, they sat down on a tree stump placed in front of the fire and silently watched the wood crackle in front of them, the embers rise and the smoke curl its way towards the sky.

Both had lost people and were now mourning their loss in their own way. It did not matter when they had lost them. Time was relative, linear and yet interwoven. Intertwined, near and yet far. Yesterday tangible as the moment seems lost. Grief unchanged as if it were seconds, not years ago. Sometimes there was no past, no future, sometimes not even the moment and sometimes, the now is too overwhelming to realize it, to even perceive it as such, until the heart can no longer.

The day went by, the hours passed them by and the sun was leaning towards the horizon. Neither of them had said anything or gotten up during that time.

For the commander it was something unfamiliar not to rush from meeting to meeting, to receive people of her people, to make plans or to visit another clan. Before, belligerence had still been on their agenda; now it was prevention, at least on most days as long as Azgeda was not involved.

Clarke, on the other hand, with few exceptions, had spent most of her time in Nyko's hut talking to him or one of the apprentices, who almost never looked her in the eye, whether out of shyness or some other reason she didn't know. She didn't ask either, instead she watched them work and tried not to think too much.

"I know the timing isn't ideal, but I wanted to talk to you about this yesterday." Lexa broke the silence as the air around them grew colder, the warming fire long extinguished. Blue eyes looked questioning and fearful at the same time. What will follow? Another bad news? Clarke wanted so much to hope, but she had no strength to let hope arise, tiny as it might be. Like a flower that didn't know if it would be allowed to bloom or if it would be uprooted.

Defensively, Lexa raised her hands. "It's nothing bad. Or at least I hope you don't think of it as such." The blonde nodded, tilting her head slightly to the side and waiting intently. "Nyko and I have been talking about your health. He's going to do some more tests and then release you from sickbay." Clarke smiled slightly, but didn't reply. "While we were doing that, the question of where you could go came up. He offered to put you up with him until you found something, and to help you find a new place to stay. There was a second option, though." The brunette took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to formulate the following question without appearing needy or even pushy. "I have plenty of space in my home, as well as spare rooms, and if you'd like, you could have one of them." She almost held her breath, seeing the hesitation in blue eyes and the disappointment hit her, despite all her caution, with an intensity she was not prepared for. Something inside her urged her to apologize, but before she could open her mouth, Clarke began to speak. "Why are you doing all this for me? You don't know me, and yet you're taking care of a complete stranger."

"You're not a stranger. I've been allowed to get to know you for the past few weeks. Besides, you are one of my people." Lexa knew there was far more to it than that, but she would do her best to avoid admitting it.

"I don't want to be a burden, and with Nyko's help, I'm sure I could find a place to sleep." All her life she had been made to feel like a burden, the only exception had always been her brother, how could she assume it was any different now?

Lexa sighed. How could Clarke think such a thing? "You could never be a burden and I like having you around." The blonde smiled shyly, embarrassed for any words. Lexa, on the other hand, didn't bring up any of the arguments she had given the healer earlier. Anyway, they were not relevant in this situation. "If it were up to me, you wouldn't have to address me formally either."

"Heda, you know etiquette better than anyone, and the law forbids me to break it under threat of death." Never would she be able to accept that honor, not under those conditions, and she was only thinking conditionally of her possible demise.

"But I would also have to arrange the punishment, and I would never do such a thing, not to anyone." And certainly not with you... But Lexa didn't say it. "It's an offer. You're just as free to refuse it as to accept it. It's entirely your decision, and whatever it is, I will accept it."

Clarke was silent for a moment before nodding. "I understand the meaning of your offer and accept it gratefully." The corners of the brunette's mouth twitched briefly and a happy expression flitted across her features, which she quickly brought back under control. Especially after her counterpart continued speaking. "How can I prove my gratitude to you and return it?"

"I expect nothing in return. I would enjoy your company, as long as it is in accordance with your will." It was a fact that Lexa could not deny, and yet it pained her to think that Clarke was being nice to her out of guilt and not out of pure intentions.

The blonde, on the other hand, had other thoughts and smiled honestly again for quite some time. "I would be honored to continue spending time with you, as long as I don't keep you from important tasks."

"I, too, must eat." Lexa would make the time even if she didn't have any and even if she wouldn't admit that it was just an excuse to see the blonde. Because if the brunette had her way, she would spend her entire day with Clarke and not just the few moments they had shared so far. But she wasn't sure if the blonde felt the same way she did and asking her seemed not only wrong but inappropriate at that moment. Who was she to her anyway?

"I think it's time to leave." Lexa nodded surrendered, stood up and offered her hand to Clarke, which she accepted with an elegant movement. "I thank you for all you have done for me. I will never be able to put into words how much." They were still holding each other until Clarke sheepishly took her hand from Lexa's. "I thought I'd go to Nyko's cabin and pack up my few belongings so I'll be ready when he releases me from his care. Provided this is okay with you as well." Carefully, the blonde looked at her commander, who could only with difficulty suppress a broad smile that now manifested itself merely as a twitch of the corners of her mouth. "I will arrange everything today, so that the room will be ready for occupancy tomorrow at the latest."

Again silent and lost in thought, they made their way back. The stars were already in the sky and when they stepped out of the forest, Nyko was waiting for them with a worried expression on his face. This changed, however, into a knowing smile when he saw the two women, but said nothing about it, but let the story run its course, which only needed a nudge now and then to stay on the right path.

Undiscovered by them, he disappeared inside his home while they shyly said goodbye to each other. No hug followed, although both would have liked one. A last look back and wishes unspoken between them was all that remained.

And while Lexa went back to her tower, Clarke sought to talk with the healer. There was so much she wanted to know but had never dared to ask, so now it burst out of her unfiltered. "Why didn't you tell the commander about my back?"

It was a burden and he would have had countless opportunities to do it. But it was Nyko she was talking about here, a loyal soul with as many scars as she had and an understanding of them that questioned her as much as Lexa's devotion.

"Because I think you should." He smiled at her calmly, level-headedly; he had long expected that she would seek him out and want answers. Accordingly, he was able to respond calmly.

Clarke, on the other hand, worried so much that her stomach clenched and gave her a stomachache. "What if she reacts like everyone else before her?"

"Not all people are the same, and just as you don't want to be pre-judged, she deserves you to give her a chance. Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her before?" He knew the answer, but sometimes it took someone to jump-start the self-knowledge.

Clarke shook her head and her cheeks flushed slightly. "So far, she's been very accommodating to me. Which no one but my brother has ever done."

Nyko looked at her and his eyes filled with tears, which did not escape the blonde's notice. "Why do you pay such attention to me?"

He averted his gaze briefly before managing to look at her. "Because I promised your brother."

Clarke gasped briefly. "How do you know-"

But Nyko interrupted her with a smile. "That's a story for another time."

Despite the smile, she saw the sadness in his eyes and understood that his death seemed to have affected him similarly to how it had affected her. Therefore, she didn't speak phrases that most get said too often and too casually and yet didn't offer any comfort. Instead, she squeezed his calloused hands briefly and now gave him a brave smile in turn.

"All your secrets will be safe with me until my last breath. I promise you that, Clarke." Briefly, he returned her squeeze.

***

The next day followed and the last tests had confirmed what Nyko had already suspected anyway. And now Clarke stood in front of the healer with a small, packed bag. It felt like goodbye, even if she lived only a few meters away it wouldn't be the same. She had grown accustomed to the constant presence of her counterpart and now there was another change, though she wanted routine, not a temporary home but permanent. But her move to the tower would be the same again, only without fear and danger. She didn't have to fear for her life, on guard for what happened next. At least as long as the commander didn't see her back. She moved into the unknown, feeling at the same time that she had to be careful not to tell herself here was anything more than a practical stopgap.

How long would she be allowed to stay? And when would she overstay her welcome?

At this thought, Lexa, followed by two guards, entered the cabin and Clarke had to swallow deeply. Had she figured it out and now had them locked up?

But the order did not come, no stern words, no admonishing looks. It was merely an official appearance and protocol demanded it. Accordingly, both Nyko and Clarke bowed, who convinced herself to see a mischievous spark in green eyes, but now that she knew who Lexa was, she would not make the same mistakes again. For her part, the brunette was aware that she was misunderstanding her role. It was not the norm for her to pick up Clarke, and certainly not for her to move into the tower. She had had a lengthy discussion with Titus yesterday about rights and responsibilities, and also about the value of feelings. He had admonished her to think and act with her head and not let her heart take over. He worried about the repercussions of her actions and the sign she sent outward, but wasn't part of her job to be there for her people? Clarke had lost all of hers, she was seeking protection from further attacks and.... it was a lie, or at least only up to a certain part of the truth. This was much more than the assumption of an obligation, rather it was her desire to have her with her and to protect her and who could do that more than the commander of the 12 clans? But to see the blonde kneeling in front of her now was paradoxical. She wished nothing more than to be able to return to her familiar company, to socialize with each other regardless of protocol, and at the same time the circumstance amused her. However, she released the two with a nod.

"Take her bag," she ordered, and instantly one of the guards approached Clarke, who seemed visibly uncomfortable not taking care of her few belongings herself.

When Lexa saw the bag, she was glad to have provided clothes for the blonde, though noted in her head that she needed more. Not only for official occasions, but also for leisure.

With moist eyes, Nyko finally said goodbye to his former long-term patient, who was visibly having a hard time saying goodbye. "If you need anything, you can come anytime. You know where to find me."

"Thank you for everything." She reached for his forearm and embraced it one last time before turning and the small group began to move.

The commander led the way, and Clarke and the guards followed a few paces behind her. Commandingly, she strode across the marketplace while everyone around her bowed deeply. With some of them she exchanged a few words, mostly thanks and homage, which she gratefully accepted. The blonde felt the respect, the downright reverence, of her person and it intimidated her. Since she knew who the brunette was, she also knew their status, but to supposedly know something and then experience it was a completely different world. The question of why the commander cared about her, of all people, circled devastatingly in her mind. It worried her, made her suspicious. As if she had already been in a similar situation and the brunette had abandoned her.

Silently, she followed her into the tower and her new home. Arriving at her room, Lexa sent the guards away and fixed her green eyes on Clarke. "I'm sure it wasn't easy leaving your home of the last few weeks." The blonde just looked at her and Lexa lost herself completely. Her position, her caution and all her walls disappeared in one breath. Every one of her carefully crafted words, worthy of a commander, dissolved and all that was left behind was the 20-year-old young woman she now was. Simply Lexa, with all her weaknesses, which she presented to Clarke so often and openly, as if she could afford it. "I want you to know that you can visit Nyko anytime you want. You are not a prisoner, even though the tower may resemble a prison. However, I will put one of my guards at your side. He will accompany you whenever you leave the tower. Since we must still assume an active threat on your life, he will serve as your protection."

"So I can't move freely." Clarke instantly felt the tightness in her chest and Lexa's desire to explain herself.

"You have no restrictions within Polis. I..." she was silent for a moment, her next words embarrassing her, "I want you to be safe." She would have liked to tell her that this was the only way she would be able to concentrate on her daily tasks, but she remained silent. She couldn't manage it, telling herself that it was a bad time and at the same time knowing that it could be the perfect time and it wouldn't change the outcome.

"I understand your motives and as logical as they may sound, they are surprising to me. I didn't expect restrictions because I was free to move around Nyko and had no one to watch over me. So why now?"

"You'll be attending meetings and meeting ambassadors, not all of whom are convinced of the coalition or me as commander. I don't want to take any chances and put your life at risk. For all she has done, Nia still has allies and many fear her force. I can understand that it may not be what you had in mind, but that is all I can offer you at this time." Almost apologetically, green eyes looked into blue ones, hoping for understanding, which they ultimately met.

Finally, Lexa opened Clarke's bedroom door. "I hope it meets your expectations." The blonde looked around the room with wide eyes. Never before had she been able to call anything comparable hers. Neither her old bedroom, nor the cell that followed it, had been this huge.

It had a large terrace overlooking the city and the adjacent forest. In the middle of the room was a bed on which with ease 4 large men would have found space and distributed on it were animal cases and several comfortable-looking pillows. Candles had been placed everywhere and there was a closet that was clearly too big for her few belongings. Lexa now headed for that very closet and opened it. "I hope it's all right, I had some clothes brought to you and tomorrow the dressmaker will come for more. For now I had to estimate your size, but I think they should fit you."

Clarke suppressed the urge to pull Lexa into a hug, even though she would have liked nothing better right now. "I am speechless and don't know what to say to all your kindness. I... thank you and I think I will be forever in your debt."

Lexa reached out her hand for Clarke's, but stopped in her motion and withdrew it. They were in a different context to each other by now, as evidenced by the way the blonde addressed her. This circumstance didn't make it easier for her, because Lexa felt the closeness and at the same time the prevailing distance that she almost detested. It felt like the loss of something real, genuine, and not just a feeling. She forced herself not to sigh in defeat and instead surrender to her role as commander. "You are not in my debt. I didn't do it because of that, I did it because it's the right thing to do. I can't atone for what's not in my power, but I can prevent it from happening again. Keep you safe."

"How can you... You, I mean..." The corners of Lexa's mouth twitched at the fact that Clarke seemed to be having a harder time sticking to formal form than he thought. "I can offer you nothing more than my unwavering loyalty and the assurance that your welfare will always mean more to me than my own."

Lexa wanted to deny and reject this last statement, but she did not. "Settle in and let me know should you need anything. My room is across the hall from yours. I will now attend to my duties. Should it be to your liking, I will show you around later." She opened the door and disappeared, while Clarke stayed behind, feeling as if she had been kicked.