Several Lifes

Wishes and thus the admission of truths, especially those not lived, can be painful. They tear open wounds without the possibility of healing. Closing one's eyes to it seems to be an option, but in the end it remains an impossible undertaking, doomed to fail. What remains are broken hearts, sometimes even people who live as shadows of themselves. A sacrifice that demands more than there could ever be. All that remains is loss, lived fear that at some point feels like the only reality that was attainable, as a certainty that arrives as it was always suspected. But how can it ever become something more, something different, without the possibility of change? When even hope seems like something that must be earned. Like a badge, without value.

November 18, 2149

With a pounding heart, Lexa closed the door behind her. Clarke's arrival had gone completely differently than originally planned. She had wanted to take her time and welcome her properly, instead she had pushed her duties ahead and left. It was cowardly and not in keeping with her nature. But isn't that what every feeling needs? Courage to take risks?

She didn't have time to think about it in depth, as Titus hurried toward her.

"Heda." With a hint of a bow, he stopped in front of her. "Could our guest settle in?" his voice had a definite undertone that told her what he thought of the situation.

"I know your concerns and I understand them. However, this does not change my decision and I am tired of having to discuss the same issues with you over and over again." She held his gaze and Titus drew his eyebrows together before indicating a shake of his head and pursing his lips. "I know you mean well, those are all your intentions, yet not every risk is worth taking."

"And who decides that? How many warned me about the coalition, the danger that comes with it? If I hadn't done it for fear of possible consequences, we wouldn't be where we are today. So don't you tell me what I'm capable of doing, much less what risks are worth taking and what risks are not worth taking. And Clarke is... Clarke is a young woman who was the victim of a probably unwarranted attack by Azgeda. I can't stand idly by and watch that happen." It was as much the truth as it was a lie. Clarke was more than she was willing to admit and yet not the only reason to stand here and defend her intentions.

"What's the difference between her and every other one of her countless victims?" He hit a sore spot, whether intentional or not remains to be seen, but did not miss his mark.

"She is one too many. This coalition was formed to bring peace, a harmonious coexistence that can only work if everyone plays by the rules." Lexa, quite the commander, straightened up and was not deterred by the considerable size Titus displayed. SHE was Heda, HE her advisor. "Wasn't it you who almost let her die so that we could finally take action against Azgeda and especially Nia? Every day you reminded me of that, and now? So what has changed?"

"Nothing about it has changed. I am merely trying to save you from making a mistake that could cost you your life. You are making yourself vulnerable to anyone who seeks your death. A relationship with Clarke..." But the brunette interrupted him. "Is none of your business! Not that there's anything to report."

"I just want to remind you that a commander does not form deeper bonds, if, it is a union of convenience to produce offspring that will hopefully be chosen by the seer when the time comes." She was tired of having all these conversations. Tired of having to explain herself to him as if she were a child who had to justify herself.

"I will not discuss this subject further with you. It exceeds your authority many times over, and now go before I forget myself!" Titus opened his mouth, but closed it again without saying goodbye. Instead, he bowed and left without a goodbye. She felt the anger at his audacity rising inside her, and she knew its origin, which had only a limited connection with the indirect accusations of her advisor. Lexa felt the urge to do something about the feelings. She knew that she would not be able to make any rational decisions at the moment, and going to Clarke after having left her only a few minutes ago ran the risk of projecting everything negative onto the young woman. So it wasn't really an option. Instead, she went to the training grounds and looked for an opponent as equal as possible to cross blades with. The fight would help shift her focus again and keep her emotions in check.

***

When Lexa went to Clarke's house a few hours later and knocked softly, she got no answer. Out of concern, she opened the door and went inside, but initially discovered no one. She had assumed that Clarke might be asleep, but her bed was untouched. Quietly she called her name, but got no response to that either, at least not until the person she was looking for came out of the adjacent bathroom a short time later. Her hair still damp from the shower and she wore the clothes Lexa had chosen. Bashfully, the brunette turned around, but still saw a single drop making its way down her neckline. The sight would haunt her dreams, if only because she envied it.

Surprised, Clarke stopped when she noticed the commander. "Forgive me, I wasn't expecting you yet."

Lexa wanted to apologize for her intrusion, but then recalled the lessons of Titus, who taught her that a commander never apologized for not appearing weak, and weak she was already enough in the blonde's presence. "I was able to complete my tasks more quickly than I had anticipated, and I had promised you a tour of the tower, if you still wished to do so."

Tentatively, Clarke smiled. "That would be nice, thank you."

She followed Lexa out into the hallway, which was far larger in length than the tower suggested from the outside. The structure impressed her in its make, its sophisticated engineering, and the more the brunette told her about the creation and construction of her new home, the more fascinating she found it.

Some of the rooms contained weapons, maps or medical paraphernalia, everything had its place. Many of the rooms, however, were for the personal guards and fighters in her army, who did not yet have families and therefore did not have homes of their own. Depending on their ranks, they were housed on different floors. The top one was reserved for the commander, his staff of advisors, as well as high-ranking guests and the bodyguard. Hearing all this, Clarke wanted to inquire why her room was then directly across from Lexa's, after all she had no position that would warrant it, but she remained silent and the brunette hadn't given her words enough weight to notice. Instead, they went to her study, where she pulled out a map of the tower. With her finger she went through floor by floor with Clarke, showing where the kitchen, the blacksmith, the stables, the weaving mill and the laundry were. Everything had its function, its purpose and its importance. There were also several bathrooms, but only one had a bathtub, that of the commander. Clarke's eyes grew large and began to gleam. "You actually have your own bathtub?"

Lexa nodded. "I don't get to use it often, unfortunately, but I enjoy the peace and warmth when I do." In the past, she had used it to relax her muscles after battles, or special tinctures had been added to the water to speed the healing process of her injuries.

"I have never had a bathtub. All I ever had for washing was a bucket of cold water and a rag, and later the lakes and rivers." Clarke didn't know that warmth and the feeling it conveyed. It awakened a longing for security, for peace. Apparently, the expression on Lexa's face didn't escape her either.

"You are welcome to use it if you wish. The sessions that are taking place all require my presence. I'm also welcome to let one of the house ladies know, they'll have everything available and waiting for you." It was a small thing for the brunette to do gladly if it was what Clarke's heart desired and the smile the blonde tried to hide spoke volumes. "This is too generous, thank you very much."

Lexa was still standing at her desk, the map by now secondary and receiving no attention as they had something more important to discuss. "There will be meetings soon that will also require your presence. We must try to convince the clans individually of what has happened before we hold a general assembly, which Anya and Luna will also attend." The question of what significance these two women had for Lexa burned under Clarke's nails, but she didn't ask it. After all, who was she to inquire? But Lexa saw how much it seemed to be on her mind and gave her the much-needed answer. And Clarke began to open up, surrendering more and more to the emerging feeling of trust. So she asked Lexa to stay when they arrived back in her room. "I know I've already taken up enough of your precious time, but..." what now? What could she attach to make the brunette stay with her? And so she decided to be honest. "I'd like to keep taking up her time."

On the brunette's face stole a wide smile that she wanted to show. "How about dinner?"

From then on, every evening at 7 p.m. sharp, there was a knock on Clarke's bedroom door, and if the commander was in Polis, she ended meetings early by saying, "At this point in the negotiations, we're not getting anywhere. We'll reconvene tomorrow at the same time."

Clarke, on the other hand, made sure on her walks or visits with Nyko that she made it back in time to get ready. Sometimes she would worry about what to wear the day before, and with each evening spent together, the anticipation grew for the next. She enjoyed these hours that belonged only to the two of them. They were neither observed nor judged for their actions in any way. They were free in their words, in their feelings, bound only by the protocol that only the blonde insisted on. It was her way of protecting herself, her excuse to push back rising emotions and shove them to the back of her mind. She knew it couldn't be, and so it was her salvation from herself. At least to a certain extent that made her sleep fitfully at night whenever she couldn't see Lexa, because Clarke had grown accustomed to the time spent together, needed it downright to find her inner peace. More than that, it was the feeling of home that overcame her more often than not, leaving her frightened. A desire that forced her to face a truth she was not yet ready to face. Perhaps never would be.

The nights grew colder as they approached the last month of the year. The snow had long since found its way to them, glistening whenever the sun's rays touched it. Winter was harsh and merciless, and not infrequently cost lives. Despite careful preparations and filled the storerooms. Salted and cured meat, was as much a part of the food as various grains, cheeses, oils and nuts, which were distributed in rations to the starving population, provided the winter took longer to be driven away by spring. And whenever the first hunt was successful, it was celebrated with a feast. It meant the beginning of new life.

But they were still several months away from that, and so Clarke lay awake today. She tossed and turned, trying to catch her sleep, but she could not. The worries about her commander were too great, because Lexa had left despite an ice storm to meet the leader of a neighboring clan. It was not the first, but the last one who was only a day's ride away. The blonde had wanted to stop her, to warn her, but instead she had let her go. She didn't have the right to object, to make her concerns known. Even if she wished she could in her weakest moments.

In the end, Clarke knew about the greater goal, and Lexa, for her part, was aware that her cause against Nia was a difficult one, and that she needed not only allies but, above all, strong advocates. All the more she hoped that she could achieve greater success without the collective and thus the peer pressure. She would need support to cope with the magnitude that the prosecution would bring. For the fear that the Ice Queen stoked could not be underestimated, nor could her demonstrations of power. Which only served to intimidate the other clans and remind them that their leaders, in fact all of them, were replaceable or at least easily wiped out. Nia knew that this was the only way she had control, because fear caused one to lose foresight of events and contingencies. All the members of the coalition kept in mind in this way was to ensure their own survival, no matter what the cost. Even if it was submission to a woman who knew no mercy or felt justice toward anyone but herself.

Peace was noble, but always had a price, and Lexa wanted to keep that peace, saw it as her duty. They were all one people, her people, and she valued each clan. They all had their right to be considered an important part of the whole. They all contributed with their knowledge to be able to grow and become better. As long as they listened to and respected each other. However, as long as some felt superior to others, it would always remain a trial of strength and growth would stagnate or falter. None of this would achieve the success that was desired, but without insight and understanding, their aspirations would remain a utopia. A pipe dream in the far distance.

With the thought of a better, fairer world, the commander had set out. Whether confidence would be the appropriate word for it, she doubted. She believed in conviction, in goals, in what is possible, and confidence sounded like happiness instead of hard work and a vision she was striving for.

Clarke sat in her chambers the next evening. The time struck 7PM, but no knock sounded, not that she expected it. She knew the commander was still lingering out of the house, but the loneliness caught up with her with a force she hadn't imagined. She missed the brunette so much that her absence left a hole she hadn't expected. The first times it had been strange to dine and spend the evening hours without her, but now she could not find words for all the emotions that raged inside her. The blonde found herself silly, didn't understand why so much was triggered in her and above all she didn't understand herself. All occupation did not distract her in the least and so all she finally did was to wait until she clumsily fell asleep.

When Clarke noticed the commotion in the streets outside her window the next morning, she hastily got up and stepped out onto the balcony. The commander, as well as her followers, had returned. The blonde waited until she heard the opening and closing of the door opposite her before she went outside to knock on that very door. "Come in," it sounded immediately after and she entered with a bow. "Heda."

"Clarke? You're awake already?" The brunette sounded genuinely surprised; after all, it was only 5AM.

"I've been waiting for you to return, to be honest." The blonde looked up and that's when she noticed it. The slightly reddened eyes, the breathing that seemed to go harder than usual and the slightly changed posture. Clarke was sure there weren't even a handful of people who would notice the difference, and it made her proud to be one of them, even if the circumstances were less pleasant. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, the storm just hit us earlier than we anticipated. That's all..." But she did not manage to deceive the blonde, who without fear, or respect for protocol, stepped up to her commander and placed a hand on her forehead. Although there was an icy cold outside, it glowed and the brunette backed away as if she had been burned as well.

"I'll send for Nyko." And before the commander could retort or stop her, Clarke had stepped outside and was looking for one of the many servants. In her room, Lexa heard the blonde ask for the healer in a pain-distorted voice, fearing she had a fever. By now Clarke knew the manners in the tower well enough to guess that it was not proper for a commander to be sick, so she just let the healer fetch for herself. That way she would not raise any doubts and could still make sure that Lexa got the help she so obviously needed.

Sighing, the young leader took off her armor, sat on her bed and waited. She knew it was too late for objections and to fight back effectively she lacked the strength.

Nyko gathered the most important utensils in his hut and hurried to his youngest protégé, only to find that she lacked nothing. He initially wanted to reprimand her, but eventually praised her for her resourcefulness and entered the brunette's room only a few minutes later. Excitedly, Clarke paced up and down her chambers as she waited for a response, which followed only moments later in the form of a knock and the healer's entrance. "I think I can put your mind at ease. It doesn't seem to be anything serious, yet she needs to rest. I will leave you some herbs to help bring down the fever. If her condition persists or even worsens, send for me again. It would be too conspicuous if I stayed with her, but her condition should be checked at regular intervals." The wrinkles around his eyes deepened as he gave her a smile. "You were worried, weren't you?"

"Of course, how could I not be concerned about the commander's well-being?" she evaded the question rather than answer it.

His grin widened, for he was well aware of this fact. "You weren't worried about Heda, you were worried about Lexa." Clarke wanted to deny it, but Nyko kept talking. "What has changed? It's been several days since we last spoke."

Somewhat helplessly, she looked at him. How could she put into words what neither her heart, nor her mind could fully grasp? So she sighed indecisively. "It's a discrepancy between wanting and being able."

"And what do you want?" He knew the answer, but perhaps she needed to hear it spoken to grasp it for herself.

"I don't think I have the choice to decide. It's beyond my ability." The healer heard the regret that resonated in her voice and shared her grief for a loss that was more than a simple construct. Still, he felt that she was not defenseless, nor trapped in hopeless options, even if it felt that way at times. "Who decides if not you?"

"Society with its preconceived notions that I am not empowered to change." She sounded dejected and looked many years older than she actually was. The life she had led had left deep scars.

Fatherly, he put his hands on her shoulders. "Clarke, it's not up to you to do this. You can't change her mind, only your relationship to it. We can't spend our lives fearing any reactions or consequences. We all deserve more than that." The blonde was silent, thinking about his words, but still could not fully comprehend them. They refused to be grasped, no matter how hard she tried.

Nyko watched her expression tighten with strain and decided to continue the conversation another time. Instead, he gave her some more nursing advice, and after a brief goodbye, Clarke walked unceremoniously to the older woman. Stopping at her door, however, he knocked and waited for permission to enter.

"Come in, Clarke." She heard the sigh in Lexa's voice, but joined it when she saw that she was about to get up after the healer had only just asked her to lie down. But the brunette felt weak enough as it was, because Clarke saw her at such a vulnerable moment, she couldn't stay idle in bed.

"You need to rest!" The blonde knew she was rebelling against protocol again and Lexa might punish her for it, but it didn't matter, not while she was unwell.

"I'm fine, honestly." Lexa tried to reassure her, though with little success. Actually, she didn't even have to try, her word was law, but Clarke wasn't just anyone and what she said mattered. At least to her.

"Nyko said you had a fever and should stay in bed." The blonde was getting more and more upset,

but Lexa stayed where she was anyway, with all the doctrines she had internalized and firm principles she had never broken before Clarke, she basically had no choice. "A minor illness doesn't stop me from doing my duties, and they don't get less if I stay down."

Frustrated and also a little hurt, Clarke ran a hand through her hair. "Why can't I take care of you the way you have taken care of me? Countless times, in so many ways?" She, unlike the commander, wasn't just referring to physical symptoms.

"This was a completely different situation. You were seriously injured and your wounds became infected. I'm not on the verge of death, and now let me get up." But Clarke persisted, pushing the brunette back into bed by the shoulder. "I'm going to go to the kitchen and make you some tea. You guys go back to bed. I'll be right back."

Before Lexa could protest again, the blonde was gone. Frustrated, she sighed, but followed the instruction. She knew if anyone else spoke to her like that, he wouldn't last the day. She would throw him down from the tower and never give the person another thought. But as always, Clarke was the exception because her concern was for Lexa, not the commander. She wasn't even concerned with possible benefits or a favor she could call in when the opportunity arose. Her intentions were pure and selfless. She had almost forgotten what that felt like and it was enough to make her stay where she was. But even before the blonde returned, she had fallen into a light, dreamless, sleep.

Gently, Clarke opened the door and placed a pitcher of hot water, enhanced with the herbs Nyko had given her earlier, on the table near the bed. She filled the cup she had brought and watched Lexa slowly awaken. The brunette straightened up a bit and watched the hand that handed her the drink. She brought it to her lips and took a sip without asking for a taster. It was not necessary, she trusted her and herself that she was not mistaken in the young woman in front of her.

She handed the emptied cup back to her and a moment later felt a hand on her forehead again. "Clarke..." she reached for her arm and pushed it away. "You took my temperature just a few minutes ago. It doesn't change that quickly."

"I got instructions from Nyko, including that you should drink as much as possible to make up for the fluid loss. I'll get you another rag and cold water later. Whatever you need, I'll make sure you get it." The blonde almost offered to help her commander cool off, but had been able to hold back just in time.

"You don't have to do that. And if Titus or any ambassador finds out about this, it will only further jeopardize my already threatened position. I don't have the capacity to do nothing or be seen as weak." Lexa knew she actually needed the break and wondered how she was supposed to act competently and rationally in her current state.

Somewhat embarrassed, Clarke ran a hand through her hair. "I certainly overstepped my authority and should you consider consequences, I could understand, but I acted in your best interest. I hope you consider this in your decision."

"What did you do?" Suspicious and almost afraid, she looked at the blonde in front of her. Would her actions have consequences for her?

"I had one of the guards tell Titus that you rode on immediately after your arrival to solve a problem with the water supply, which is probably why he postponed your appointments until the next few days. As for Nyko's visit, everyone thinks he was here because of me." Her voice sounded convinced and yet she could not manage to look her commander in the eye. She was afraid to see anger or even dislike in them.

"You shouldn't have done that." Lexa's sense of duty spoke up, and with it a guilty conscience.

"I did it because I thought it was right. That's why it took longer to bring you the heated water." Hesitantly and with a questioning look, Clarke finally sat down on the big bed. Her fear seemed unfounded and so she became bolder, more honest. "There's nothing I want more than for you to be healthy, and the way I see it, I guess it's up to me if you'll let me be and not lock me up for being so bold."

Lexa gave a short laugh that rattled Clarke. "You've broken protocol so many times, today alone was several. I'm not going to start something new and punish you all at once for what you've done. Anyway, I'd rather you call me Lexa. You don't have to follow these formalities, you never should have started."

"I'll give you the respect you deserve, and I don't deserve that honor, believe me." The blonde stood up and both immediately missed contact with the other, as if being near each other was the air they needed to live. Clarke wanted to go back to her, to sit down again and forget about time in the process. Lexa, on the other hand, longed to reach for her hand and hold it. To never let go of her again and tell her how precious the hours with her were. Instead, Clarke moved away spatially, but also emotionally, as if she had ventured too far and burned herself in the process. "It is better if you sleep now. When you awaken, I will bring you cool water and soup."

"Thank you." The woman addressed nodded and left the room with her heart pounding, while the brunette's eyes followed her with a sigh.

When Clarke returned an hour later, she felt the commander's sweat-soaked forehead and instantly retrieved a wet rag to place over her face to cool her. She made sure Lexa got enough air, pulled one of the armchairs to her bed as quietly as possible and sat down in it. She saw the brunette tossing and turning, her face contorting painfully, and how it relaxed when she put a second cloth on her neck.

Almost every 10minutes she checked to see if everything was still okay or maybe she should have Nyko send her again. It was a constant struggle to decide what was the right decision.

So the hours passed and whenever Lexa awoke, Clarke was waiting for her with a warm tea sweetened with honey, or soup and rusks. She left her side only in urgent cases and even then only reluctantly. It was only in the late evening hours that the sleep of the righteous finally caught up with her, sitting in the armchair her head had sunk down, dreamlessly she found the rest she deserved. The constant anxiety had taken its toll, which she now had to pay. Meanwhile, absorbed in her slumber, she did not notice the loving gaze that rested on her. It was only a few moments before the commander's eyelids grew heavy again and sent her into the land of dreams, smiling contentedly.