Several Lifes

There are certain things in life that you can't control or prevent. They have developed a life of their own that could not be stopped. Should one still try or let life take its course, since they were beyond one's power? Just cost them energy, even if the heart threatens to break? Or go on and hope for the best? Was it even possible or already hopeless, since a goodbye often does not take its beginning in moments that seem spectacular? Sometimes it also seems like the beginning of a new chapter, although there was never a chance of a happy ending.

1960

A year may sound like little time, but filled with longings nourished by fears, a single day stretches to infinity. As if it were a compromise made, aware that it does not produce satisfaction. A self-chosen isolation, which from the outside was none, which is nevertheless shown to one over and over again anew.

It was one of those nights when her husband Bellamy came home joyful and full of energy. But never before with comparable news. He had driven straight to a flower store after work and bought the biggest bouquet he could find before parking his car in the driveway, unlocking the front door and wrapping Clarke in his arms with a beaming smile. Full of devotion, he kissed her before inviting her to the most expensive restaurant in town. After all, they had to celebrate his promotion and the handsome raise that came with it, he said, while Clarke swallowed deeply, unheeded by him. She knew the significance of those words. Bellamy's desire to have a child had given her some sleepless nights, although it was no longer just because she didn't feel ready, but rather because of the child's commitment to her and the certainty that she wouldn't be able to leave Bellamy once they had a baby. So Clarke had been looking for a way to avoid the issue, or at least push it into the distant future. But that distance had now caught up with her. Their argument that they couldn't afford children was rendered meaningless by the pay raise. He could now buy them everything that had been denied him in his childhood and had always been a concern to him.
She was happy for her best friend from childhood, happy for his success and his efforts that had been recognized. Therefore, she did not understand all the problems that came with it until much later, instead ignoring all the worries for a few moments that seemed too short, when they went dancing after dinner together. Those were happy hours when she and her husband laughed as they did at the beginning of their marriage, when his dreams were nothing more than fantasies about a carefree future.
Together they moved to the rhythm and she blanked out all negative thoughts of the last years, which had been anything but easy. Marked by the certainty that her life had taken on a form of inevitability, from which there was only one way of escape. But every freedom took its toll, one that Clarke would not be able to escape either, and one that she was not sure she was actually willing to pay. So a life for freedom?

Pericles already said: "The secret of happiness is freedom. But the secret of freedom is courage." To dare to break out of your comfort zone, to risk something even though you may lose everything that seems important to you, stirs up doubts and fears, like a fire on which gasoline is poured or at least new logs are laid. It paralyzes and inspires, freezes and fights. It is a reflex that must first be learned to master or recode. By no means is it something that just happens.

Late that night, the couple took advantage of the warm, clear night for a walk. Holding hands, they walked through a nearby park, the stars shining in the firmament and the moon illuminating their every step. The two had taken a slight detour, and Bellamy seized the moment to make his joy known. "I am so incredibly happy, Clarke. Finally, all our wishes are coming true. With the new salary, we can afford a stable full of kids and the house to go with it." His gaze was fixed in the distance, already seeming to envision the future that went with it, before he ran a sigh through his hair. "It took five years, but it was worth the wait." Clarke smiled cautiously and remained silent; anyway, she wouldn't have had an answer that would appeal to him. Bellamy, on the other hand, was so distracted, too caught up in his sheer joy, that he didn't even notice. He wasn't a bad person, he had just grown up in a world where the man alone was in charge, and accordingly he sometimes got lost in that attitude. Compared to others, however, he was harmless and gave her relatively much freedom. In another life, she would certainly have been happy with him and his desire to have children would also have been welcome, but so the thought had always panicked her.

Meanwhile, they had arrived home. Bellamy opened the front door and held it open for his wife. They took off their jackets and hung them on a hook. Together they went upstairs, where Bellamy casually turned the subject to their neighbors. "Roan told me a few weeks ago how diligently he and Lexa are trying to have a baby." He looked at Clarke, and she recognized the competitive spirit aroused. "Who knows, we might even succeed before they do." His words tore her in two. Intimacy was part of a good marriage, but to suspect it or know it and even hear it were two different things, only one of which could be denied. But she kept her thoughts to herself, instead answering, "Bell, it's not a competition. Besides, it takes time, it's not necessarily like you try it once and it happens right away."

He stumbled and thought for a few seconds before shaking his head decisively. "But for that long? Do you think she's infertile?"

Clarke raised her eyebrows slightly. "Even if she was, what would be so bad about it?"

"Then she wouldn't be a good wife to him. That's part of her duties, isn't it?" Shocked, Clarke's eyes snapped open. "You know how much she wants children, and you want to punish her for something she can't do anything about," that the man might also be infertile, she kept to herself. It was always a touchy subject and she didn't want to ruin the previously good mood with a thoughtless comment.

"I'm just trying to protect my friend. Let's not fight about that, please." Clarke nodded and that ended the topic enough for them to get ready for bed.

But as soon as they were in bed, she felt his weight on her body. She didn't want his touch, wanted to push his hands away, but she didn't say a word or push him away because she knew what was expected of her. He kissed her neck as she lay there, letting it wash over her from the moment her feelings for Lexa had awakened. Everywhere his skin made contact with hers, she felt dirty, even abused. This was wrong and it had not given her pleasure for a long time. It was comparable to an unloved chore, she didn't like doing it, but it was part of it and she was glad when it was over. Every nice word, every compliment bounced off her as if it had never existed and left her cold accordingly.

"You're so beautiful." Bellamy pushed up her nightgown, touched her breasts and her actually sensitive nipples, but nothing happened. They didn't get hard, nor did they get wet; how aroused he was, on the other hand, she noticed immediately. And a feeling of disgust came over her just thinking about it. "Let's make a baby, now, here, right now." Her heart began to race, the last thing she needed right now was an unwanted pregnancy forcing her to stay here.

She didn't want a stable, no matter what size they could afford now. Therefore, she overplayed her feelings and giggled. "Do you want to tell our child later that it was conceived while we were both drunk? Besides, alcohol significantly affects your stamina," after a brief hesitation she added an incredulous, unfortunately.

"You're right, not that I plan to mention it. I want it to be special." Hastily he slipped on a condom and a little later penetrated her with a loud moan. He grunted, sweated and after a few minutes the "fun" was over and he fell asleep, while Clarke's thoughts didn't manage to come to rest. Tomorrow she had to find a solution, but even that would be short-lived. She had to get out of here and as soon as possible.

***

The solution came in the form of an advertisement. The female contraceptive pill. Somewhat clumsily staged, it promised the freedom Clarke longed for. A little more autonomy, more ability to make decisions for herself and her own life. But she knew she couldn't buy that in the small town where she lived. Here, everyone knew everyone and rumors started quickly. She could not take that risk. So it came in handy that Bellamy had gotten a new car for the promotion and let her use his old one so she could run errands more easily. Or, as in this case, leave town.

2h later she was in a place she herself had never heard of, which was proof enough for her to be far enough from home. But did this possibility even exist? Or wouldn't the truth catch up with her eventually? There was no certainty in her life, not anymore. She hadn't had a place in it for years and would probably stay away. Accordingly, Clarke looked around uncertainly as she got out of the car, while a bandana and large sunglasses covered most of her face. She almost felt like a criminal when the bell on the door revealed her entering the pharmacy. The blonde barely had time to realize that she was the only one in the store when out of the back of the store came a scrawny man in his mid-50s, with fleecy white hair and a thick mustache. He had large glasses on his face and looked curiously at his hooded customer. "How can I help you?"

Clarke looked around one last time, not wanting to take any chances, before answering somewhat hurriedly. "Do you sell birth control pills?" Her voice sounded almost anxious as she made her request. Her heart began to race as the pharmacist's eyes scrutinized her a little too closely. "My dear lady, you don't have to cover your head for that. There is no shame in wanting to live out your freedom as a single woman like a man. After all, you are not married." He smiled and she hastily took her wedding ring off her finger as the man across from her turned to pick up the pill. It was a tiny but telltale sign that she could well be in trouble. When he returned and set the can down in front of her, Clarke took it in her hand and looked at it carefully. She couldn't believe she was holding her freedom right now, or did time even fit better? Engrossed in her thoughts, the man had to clear his throat to make himself heard. Confused, the blonde blinked a few times before she gave him her attention again so that he could explain to her what the side effects were and how she had to take the pill so that it could take effect.

At the end of the conversation, she paid for the pills in cash to leave no trace and left the store again. The pharmacist would never know who the woman had been and Clarke, unbeknownst to her husband Bellamy, began taking the pill. She knew that by doing so she was only delaying the inevitable all over again, so with a deep sigh she sat down in the car, inhaled and exhaled a few times before starting the engine to drive home.

Before she even pulled up her driveway, she finished the charade and took off her sunglasses and bandana. She parked her car, walked around it, and unloaded the preemptively purchased groceries from the trunk. It was her attempt to explain her disappearance to some extent, while curious green eyes followed her every move and saw how the blonde hastily brought the groceries into the house. She stowed them in the appropriate cupboards before stepping outside to the fence that separated her from her neighbors. With a friendly smile, Lexa greeted her secret love, who returned it. But the joy didn't last long when she noticed the worried expression on Clarke's face. "What's wrong?"

"We really need to talk."

Apologetically, the blonde was looked at. "I'd love nothing more, but my mother-in-law is visiting." The brunette inconspicuously pointed her head toward her house, but Clarke would not be swayed. "Make up an excuse, anything. It can't wait."

Lexa sighed, but finally nodded, went into the house and rang Clarke's front doorbell only moments later. "Do you have some sugar for me? And time for coffee?" Hastily, the brunette was drawn inside. "I don't know how long I can stay, better we actually have coffee together in case Nia drops by unexpectedly." Clarke understood what she meant, got coffee powder from the cupboard, put in a filter and filled the coffee maker.

Finally, they sat across from each other at the kitchen table. Only with difficulty did the syllables leave Clarke's lips. "Bellamy wants to try to have a baby. Right now. The sooner the better."

"He got the promotion." It wasn't a question, but certainty that took both their breath away and made more than just the blonde's heart heavy. They had often talked about the consequences of pregnancy. It was a commitment they could not avoid when the time came.

"Since he knows you and Roan are trying, he's been desperate to get it done before you do. It seems he was just waiting for the promotion to start. I suppose it's one of those things between men." The pain was clear in Clarke's eyes and her body felt like it was filled with lead. Every night since, he had claimed his right and the possibility of already being pregnant was a distinct possibility. The onset of menstruation a few days later eased her conscience and relieved one of her many fears.

"I'm sure he's exaggerating, my husband likes to do that." Lexa took Clarke's hand in hers and held it for a moment before releasing it.

"But you try?" Cautiously, the blonde inquired, and although she only wanted to know the answer conditionally, she still needed to hear it. She needed the certainty, which she also received immediately in the form of a nod and a more elaborate answer. "Yes, we do. I hesitated for a long time and he understood that I needed time to get used to my new life first, but lately the desire to have children of my own has been growing. Isn't it my duty as a woman to bring life into the world? Besides, I'm sure Roan will be a good father, just like Bellamy." The sigh that came with that realization came from a dark and hurt place in Clarke. "I'm sure he will one day, but I doubt I'm the right one to do it."

Questioningly, Lexa looked at her. She didn't understand what Clarke was getting at, maybe she didn't want to, for fear of what she would otherwise have to face. Naiveté as a protective mechanism. "What makes you think that? You'd be a great mom and our kids could grow up together, become friends, and who knows, maybe even get married someday."

"I have no doubts about my qualities as a mother, and raising them with you sounds like an adventure that definitely has its allure, but that's not the point."

"I'm confused, then what is the point?" Lexa drew her eyebrows together and eyed her counterpart closely.

"Having children is a task, raising them, giving them something to make the world a better place, is a thought that has taken root. I want to make them happy, but how could I if I'm not myself?" Clarke looked at the table in front of her, her mind agitated and desperately trying to bring herself back to calm. She was aware that there was a time for some things and it would never come for others. Both were inescapable facts, the difference between which one had to learn to understand. And for Clarke, they meant a burden she wasn't sure she could carry anymore. She felt the weight of her decision on her shoulders and also that some of that weight was transferring to Lexa. Guilt crept up inside her and bit at her heart, but it was time to face the inevitable truth. "I have to go. I can't stay here, not under these conditions. What would my life look like?" She looked deep into Lexa's eyes again now. "We've done what we could, and now I finally want to be truly happy. Not partially, not in too few moments of the day. It's not enough for me anymore, in fact, it hasn't been enough for far too long."

Lexa felt the dichotomy between hope and fear of what those words meant. What the concrete consequences were was only partially predictable. The alternative was a loneliness that even her later children would not be able to fill, as the loss of Clarke, her support, best friend, and confidant, would tear a piece not only from her heart, but also from her soul. So was there really a choice to be made? Hadn't she made them several years ago, even as she tried to fight it? She was in denial? And so she finally made up her mind and looked curiously at Clarke with a hopeful look. "Are you asking me to go with you?" But before Clarke could answer, the doorbell rang. Not 10min had been granted to them.

The blonde got up, straightened her dress and looked to see who was disturbing their togetherness.

"Good morning Clarke. My daughter-in-law said she'd be here," and quietly Roan's mother added, "as usual, actually," while what must have been the fakest smile graced Nia's lips. "Can I kidnap her?" Of necessity, Clarke invited her counterpart in and led her to the kitchen. After a short conversation, which was merely about superficialities like the weather or gardening, Lexa got up, but gave Clarke one last longing look before she left. After that, the blonde was alone with her thoughts and worries. She sat down at the table and finished her coffee, which she had completely forgotten in all the excitement.

What was she supposed to do? She had seen Lexa's look, had noticed the hope, as well as the flashing of her eyes when she had spoken of possible children of her own. How could she feel so out of place right now and so welcome at the same time? As if she had to come and go at the same time, a tearing apart and a joining together in one breath. Clarke knew her truth, but what was Lexas? She felt like she was close to the puzzle, like there was just one more piece missing, a nudge in the right direction.

Late that afternoon, the doorbell rang again and instantly Clarke's heart began to leap. Was that Lexa again, perhaps? Was she going to continue the conversation from the morning or even share her decision to accompany her? Excitedly, the blonde rushed to the door to open it, but was disappointed in her hope when she saw that only Nia was standing in front of her.

"Hello Clarke, I'm sorry to bother you again, but Lexa is out shopping right now and I wanted to use the time to talk to you briefly. It won't take long either, I promise." The blonde greeted back and invited Nia in with a welcoming gesture. "Since I don't want to keep you long, I'll be very direct, alright?" The blonde nodded cautiously, waiting to see what else was to come as they walked into the kitchen together.

"Well, now that that's settled..." The older woman sat down at the kitchen table and motioned Clarke to follow suit. The latter pushed back the chair and followed the request.

"You're going, aren't you?" Stunned, the older woman was looked at, but she only slightly twisted the corners of her mouth. "I see it in your eyes, and I've been watching you and Lexa for a few years now. You love Bellamy, but not the way you should. And you want to take Lexa with you. Why else this talk today at the fence and the sudden coffee drinking?" Clarke was still silent, so Nia finally continued. "I understand. Roan's father wasn't easy and the time we lived in was even harder, even more restricted than now. You can believe me, I wanted to leave him more than once, especially when I met a man who promised me all that my husband denied me. So the question is not whether I feel freer now as a widow. So yes, I can certainly understand your motives." Clarke was puzzled by the openness with which Nia spoke. Of course they had talked here and there over the years, but it had been superficial banter and had always left the blonde with the feeling that Nia didn't like her very much. Therefore, Clarke didn't trust her either, but that didn't diminish her curiosity because of it. "What exactly do you want?"

"To save you from making a mistake that will destroy your lives. If you leave now, there will be no turning back. You will be constantly on the run, hiding from the police and existing only behind closed doors." Clarke remained unaffected. Nia told her nothing she didn't already know and had questioned so many times, with the same result every time.

"I appreciate your intellect, and so I suspect you've already given all this thought, perhaps even accepting the dangers. But what about Lexa and her desire to have children? She and Roan are already trying. What about her ideas of a future with a husband, children, and the dog they share? Are you really going to be so selfish and allow her to throw away all that my son can offer her and you can't? We both know she would follow you anywhere. One word from you would be enough. But could you make her so happy that she would forget everything, you would make up for everything she always wanted?" Still unable to say anything, Clarke remained seated while Nia stood up. "Now you can still make the right decision, for you and for Lexa, because I don't think you've asked her yet." The older woman moved a little closer to the blonde and put a hand on hers, "I know you'll do the right thing." She let go of her hand again and looked deep into bleary, hopeless eyes. Nia had achieved her goal, she had broken the last bit of resistance and so she disappeared saying, "Thank you for talking to me, Clarke." The person addressed, on the other hand, couldn't move, let alone say anything back.

For 2 days the conversation with Nia did not let her go, during which she avoided Lexa and the elder's words tormented her in every dream, until they became nightmares that did not let her sleep at all. The rings under her eyes grew bigger and bigger until she couldn't stand it anymore, packed her bags and left the house at night in silence and secrecy. Her absence would not be noticed until the next morning, since Bellamy would not be back for several days. So it was the perfect moment to quietly escape the prison she called life.

As a farewell she left only 2 letters, she did not manage to say goodbye personally for many reasons.

There are braver ways than that of the coward, but I know that you would not let me go and I could not bring myself to see you so sad. You deserve a woman who has the same ideas about life as you do and I will never be that. Maybe I never was and I just realized it now. Much too late, I am well aware of that.

For all the grief I'm causing you right now I want to apologize, but there is no way back, at least not a voluntary one. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me.

Clarke.

She put the letter for Bellamy on the small table near the entrance and, with the suitcase in one hand and the letter for Lexa in the other, set off for the station. She dropped the envelope into her neighbor's mailbox, not suspecting that her lines, written with all the love for her, would never reach Lexa.

It is selfishness to ask you to give up your dreams, so I have to listen to myself on one point and go. Otherwise, I will eventually be a reflection of myself and what I once was, hidden in the shadows, buried under rubble. I still wish we could just throw away all the reasons that separate us. A new beginning in the midst of this chaotic world that seems to be against us. I wish I could ask you to accompany me, everything in me cries out for it, but nothing is more important than your happiness, nothing has ever been more important and so I can't bring myself to ask you.

My heart will always follow you, no matter where our paths may lead us. There is no place where you do not exist for me.

Love is the key of reason.

C.

***

Present

The school bell rang and Clarke excitedly started her school bag with shaky hands while Octavia smiled at her encouragingly. "Everything will be fine, don't worry about it." It was the blonde's feeble attempt to ease her fears. Raven, on the other hand, patted her on the shoulders and supported her in her own way. "Go get 'em Tiger." The addressed only rolled her eyes. "Oh come on lovergirl, let it rip and don't do anything I wouldn't do," in response the blonde showed the Latina her middle finger, but she just gyrated her hips and laughed out loud.

With quick steps Clarke left the school building, caught the next bus and finally stood 10 minutes early in front of the small café downtown. It was considered an absolute insider tip among the students and yet was never too crowded. So she and Lexa would have their peace. That was good. Actually. Because instantly the blonde wondered what she wanted it for in the first place? After all, she didn't even know what this was or what she wanted, what this was. Her insides were going crazy and her hands were starting to sweat more and more. Again and again she rubbed them on her pants to dry them at least halfway, but only with massive success. If this continued, not only her hands but also her pants would end up wet and she doubted that this would leave a good impression if Lexa had to hug her like this. Clarke considered blaming it on the warm weather, but then decided to leave it uncommented. Instead, she hoped for her luck that Lexa wouldn't notice, otherwise the meeting would probably be over sooner than she would have liked.

Excitedly, the blonde began to walk up and down in front of the store when she suddenly felt a nudge on her shoulder. She hadn't quite turned around when she was also pulled into a hug and a surprised, "oh," escaped her.

"Am I late?" Lexa glanced at her large wristwatch, which only seemed all the larger on her slender wrist and attracted Clarke's gaze almost magically. Somehow she found the combo impossibly sexy, just realizing it, the blonde grinned sheepishly. "I'm rather early. Anticipation, I suppose." Somewhat awkwardly, she ran a hand through her hair, while receiving a big and joyful smile in response, making the sun pale with envy.

"Shall we go in?" Lexa pointed her thumb toward the entrance and when Clarke nodded, the brunette held the door open for her.

They ordered two coffees and sat down in a quiet corner. Awkwardly, they kept sipping their drinks while both remained silent, wondering if they could pick up on the conversations they had on the bus. But the initial uncertainty was soon replaced by a familiarity that felt like two souls recognizing each other. And so Clarke didn't flinch when Lexa slowly moved her own hand closer and closer to hers, until she finally touched it with her pinky. She didn't pull away either when Lexa's little finger began to caress her. There was no more touching, but a deep look and the corners of her mouth turned upwards. In this way they simply held each other and melted into the moment. But how to describe what was happening in front of everyone's eyes? Perhaps two hearts beating in time, playing their own melody and whose tones illuminated everything. With their light the sun rose and set. It did not need many words, because the silence was filled with the most beautiful sounds a person had ever heard.

"I'm so glad to be here with this one today. The 30 minutes was always too short," Lexa said at one point into the silence as she wished Clarke was sitting next to her and not across from her.

"I've been thinking the same thing since I knocked you over and landed in your lap," Clarke replied with the same thought the brunette had had earlier.

"That was the most elegant fall I've ever seen." Clarke blushed slightly, slapped her shoulder and laughed, to which Lexa replied. "I mean it." The little finger turned into Clarke's whole hand squeezing. "I'm available anytime you want to fall again, of course you can just lie in my lap like that." The brunette winked at the blonde, who giggled softly. "You're impossible." She said one thing, but meant the complete opposite.

"I'm just being honest." A heartwarming smile appeared on Clarke's face, but she kept silent, even if this circumstance didn't last long and she got more and more lost in the moment. And in the green of the woods that were Lexa's eyes. She almost smelled the fresh air, heard the birds chirping, felt the moss and wood crack under her feet as well as the light on her skin. Every phase of her body absorbed the sight of it and she couldn't get enough. It would never be enough and so, even though she still closed herself against that certainty, she leaned towards the brunette and touched her legs to Lexas. Now, at this moment, she was happy and wanted nowhere better in the world. But as it always was, the most beautiful moments sometimes passed the fastest.

"I think if I have another cup of coffee, I won't sleep for another three weeks." Clarke explained to herself her constant palpitations.

"Then we'll switch to tea. The main thing is that we can still sit." Still Lexa held her hand tightly, almost clutching it, so much she wanted to stay and her counterpart didn't feel any different. But as the blonde glanced at the clock, her mood approached freezing point and a deep sigh escaped her lungs. "I'd really incredibly love to stay, but my parents would kill me." Apologetically, blue looked green and noticed the disappointed look on Lexa's face, who by now had let go of Clarke's hand and was staring at the tabletop in front of her. "If I could, I'd sit here with you all night." To punctuate her words, she reached for Lexa's hand again, holding it gently in hers and stroking it with her finger. Clarke didn't notice the goosebumps this touch caused, she was too focused on her own.

"I...I get it, and I should get home too, but it was just so nice." Shyly, Clarke smiled at that statement while their hands were still intertwined. "We... we could do it again soon?" she asked hesitantly and immediately the brunette nodded. "I'd love to. Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Of course. Same time as always," she replied smiling and it felt like she could never stop again.

"I'll be there." They looked into each other's eyes for a moment too long to be titled as purely friendly before they parted after a long and tight hug, but their thoughts remained with each other.

***

As soon as she arrived home, her cell phone rang. It was Raven, who seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to such things. "So, how was it?" the Latina wanted to know right away. She didn't seem to have time for a hello.

"It was... it was just incredible. I can't find a more appropriate word for it," Clarke also began to gush directly. "Although we didn't do anything special. Actually just drank coffee and talked, but even when we were silent once, it was just nice and not weird like with Finn, for example."

"That sounds nice." The woman on the other line grinned broadly.

"I can't believe HOW nice yet myself. I don't think I've ever had a date quite like it."

Raven nodded knowingly, triumphing inwardly for once, or at least not to the same extent as usual. "So your, this is most definitely not a date, was a date after all."

"Oh shut up. I'm still not that sure what that was," Clarke tried to defend himself.

"It sounds a lot like a but. There must be something that made you feel THAT it was a date, right?", Raven tried to help her. Maybe they should add Octavia to the mix, she was by far the most empathetic of them and even if the Latina was reluctant to admit it but would probably never say it out loud, O' usually had the best advice on such things, but right now Clarke had to make do with her.

"Well, we were kind of holding hands like that," was the blonde's uncertain reply.

"What do you mean, sort of?" her interlocutor hooked right back.

"Lexa held my hand while we sat at the table."

"Well, that's a start. Did anything else happen?"

"Nothing worth mentioning," Clarke sidestepped, who herself was after processing everything, but Raven wouldn't be Raven if she left it at that. "So that means yes."

"Well, maybe I reached for her, too." She shrugged, while Raven might just burst with pride. Her actually so reserved friend, especially when it came to the first date, directly showed initiative. So there had to be something about the brunette that just wouldn't let Clarke go. "That's what I call commitment, very good. Will you see each other again?"

"Of course, tomorrow at the latest, when we ride the bus together." Which was already giving her a stomach ache and weak knees.

"Do you think anything has changed between you?"

"I don't know, honestly." The blonde began to twirl a strand of hair. "I mean, what was that today? A date? Not a date? Did the hand-holding mean something, or am I just imagining it?"

The dark-haired girl put her thumb and forefinger to her chin and considered. "Good question, how long have you guys been sitting there like that?"

Clarke shrugged, even though she knew her counterpart couldn't see the gesture. "I don't know, I haven't kept track of the time, but I'm guessing one, maybe two hours."

"And you seriously wonder if that has any significance?" Stunned, Raven shook his head at so much naiveté. "Have we ever held hands?"

Clarke grinned mischievously, knowing exactly how to tease her friend. "Well..."

Raven rolled her eyes. "This was at a big festival and we were afraid of losing each other and not in a cozy, dark corner. You don't know how to compare that."

"It wasn't dark!" the blonde protested.

"Cozy and shielded for that. Bad argument."

***

As soon as Clarke's alarm clock went off, she flipped her covers aside and jumped out of her bed. She had been lying awake for two hours and her stomach was increasingly rebelling. Ignoring this fact, she quickly freshened up, got dressed and made herself a coffee.

While she drank it, her eyes were fixed on the clock in the kitchen and she drummed her fingers on the shelf.

So, in the end, she was at a bus stop that was not hers, much too early. She couldn't stand it at home anymore and so she decided to take the detour to get on the bus one stop earlier. It was only 10 minutes difference, but so she had a little more time with Lexa, even if 10 minutes less time to prepare herself mentally and morally for the reunion.

She knew herself that her plan was not perfect.

The hissing of the opening doors triggered a racing of the heart of an intensity unknown to her. Whether that was good or bad, she couldn't exactly tell herself. But it wouldn't stop her either, and so Clarke got in, noting with a big smile that Lexa hadn't noticed her yet. So this time it was up to her to go up to her and make the first move.

And when Lexa turned her back, Clarke hugged her from behind. The brunette flinched and tried to squirm out of the embrace until she recognized the bell-like laughter. "Clarke?"

Laughing, the latter asked, "Who else would it be?"

"Maybe a crazy woman who's going to circle me, land in my lap, and hit on me that way?" The brunette smirked mischievously, winking at the blonde, but leaned into the touch and Clarke wasn't about to let her go right away.

"First of all, I wasn't hitting on you, and second, you don't seem to mind my proximity." She raised her eyebrows slightly provocatively, while Lexa twisted one corner of her mouth into a wry grin and nodded. "You're right about that, though."

 Finally they disengaged from each other, though not completely, as Lexa kept contact with Clarke's hand with three fingers. "What are you doing after school today? Fancy a coffee and a walk? Hopefully without curfew today, after all it's Friday?" the brunette made the advance this time.

Regretfully, the blonde squeezed Lexa's hand. "No curfew, but I'm going to a party later. Raven knows some guys there and is picking up Octavia and me."

"Octavia?", Lexa tried not to sound too jealous.

Briefly irritated, Clarke looked at her until she grinned. "That's right, so far I've always called her O'."

"So one of your best friends?"

"Exactly." And if Clarke wasn't mistaken, Lexa suddenly seemed very relieved. "But before that I would have time, the main thing is to be back home by 8PM, after all I still have to change and make myself beautiful."

"Well, I think you're pretty enough, no matter what you wear or how you look."

Somewhat shyly, Clarke smiled, but didn't reply out of awkwardness.

***

Promptly at 10 p.m., Clarke was picked up honking. "You look sharp. You want to make it a four-way from your love triangle?" she was greeted by Raven. Sometimes it almost seemed like the Latina didn't know normal manners, like a simple hello, and if Clarke hadn't heard her say it with her own ears, she wouldn't believe it.

"Ewww, get your mind out of the gutter for once, please. And I'm not the one wearing half a dress."

"This is not a dress, and just because you can see my belly and some legs..."

"I bet that when you stand up, I'll see far more than just your legs, more like your entire ass. Please tell me you're at least wearing underwear?!"

"God Griff, you are so uptight, but yes, I am wearing underwear, at least I think I am." Raven laughed dirty and Octavia, sitting in the back of the truck, laughed along. Not infrequently, the blonde wondered how O' put up with them.

Hours later, the party was at its peak. The alcohol had flowed in rough quantities and Clarke, who could actually take a lot, now felt it clearly and slurred unmistakably. As so often happens in moments when the mind was befuddled, the imagination was cranked up and the cell phone began to play a central role. The blonde dialed Lexa's number, not even thinking of Finn in the back of her mind.

It rang once, twice, and on the third time a clear, bright voice rang out. "Clarke? Is everything all right?"

"Lex... a," came haltingly from the blonde's mouth. Her slurring was only amplified by the sudden nervousness. "I miss you."

"We just saw each other a few hours ago," the latter replied with a laugh.

"Come here... please," Clarke twisted his lips into a pout and her voice had taken on a pleading undertone that simply couldn't be ignored, or as in Lexa's case, wanted to be ignored. "Where is here?"

"Oh...I don't even know. Raven drove and I don't know anyone here." For no real reason, she began to giggle.

"Then maybe you should ask her for the address?" the brunette tried to jog her memory.

"Oh... good idea. Raven!" yelled Clarke across the noisy room and the Latina stuck her head up from a couch, not catching the twitch on the other line.

"Joa?" the woman addressed replied curtly.

"Sims me the address."

"Okay," a message came through on Clarke's cell phone just a few seconds later, and Raven slipped her tongue back into the mouth in front of her.

"Thanks." In response, her best friend just stuck her thumb out at her. "I'll...send...e you the message right on," she turned to Lexa still slurring her words right after.

"From the way you sound, I'll have to hurry if I still want to talk to you." Clarke retorted something Lexa didn't understand. "What did you say?" The brunette laughed and her conversation partner remained silent for a moment. "Sorry."

"That's okay. So?"

"Dancing. We could dance, or do more, I mean, something else." The brunette didn't give her an answer, though, and Clarke felt a lot more sober in one fell swoop.

After the call, Lexa had just quickly changed into a pair of dark jeans, a white tank top and her beloved Chucks to go with it, before putting on a light makeup and after one last checking look in the mirror, grabbing a leather jacket and heading out as well.

An hour later, Lexa appeared in the doorway and looked around hopefully, always on the lookout for a certain blonde who had had her complete attention for quite some time. Sitting in a corner, she finally found Clarke and did her bidding. The blonde literally fell around her neck and Lexa returned the pressure.

"You're finally here!" she slurred while still clinging to Lexa's neck. "You smell amazing, what is it?"

"Me, to be honest. In my haste, I forgot my perfume." The brunette blushed slightly and was glad Clarke didn't seem to notice.

"No perfume looks good on you." The blonde smelled her neck again. "As long as I've been this close, the last time I was this close to you was when I landed in your lap." She faltered briefly before continuing. "Too bad, actually. Have to make up for it." With these words, Clarke gave her a kiss on the neck, leaving Lexa speechless. But the latter didn't notice this fact, instead she stood up and extended her hand to the brunette.

"What are you going to do?" the latter wanted to know.

"Getting us a drink and then dancing."

Lexa let herself be pulled along and before she knew it, Clarke had her hands wrapped around her and her head resting on her shoulders. Those touches felt so incredibly good, Clarke, felt so good under her hands until Lexa felt like she was going to burn, so she finally broke off that closeness and only her arm was still around her hips. "Come on, let's go outside, some fresh air will do us good." Clarke followed her and took her hand in hers.

They walked for a few minutes before finding a bench to sit on.

Caring, Lexa put an arm around the blonde's shoulder and pulled her closer. "You... Lex..."

"Hmm?"

"What is it, exactly?" Without the alcohol minimizing inhibitions, she had probably never dared to broach this subject.

Questioningly, the addressed raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Well this," Clarke pointed to the arm around her shoulders, her closeness, and everything in general. "Did we have a date the other day? And this today, is this a date?"

Embarrassed, the brunette ran a hand through her hair. "Do you want them to be dates?"

But Clarke shrugged. "I don't. I just incredibly enjoy spending time with you." Slowly she approached Lexa's head and waited for a reaction, but it didn't come. Therefore, she took the initiative and wanted to kiss her, but Lexa evaded, so Clarke finally kissed her neck.

The brunette, on the other hand, didn't know how to react, she wanted to kiss her, but without alcohol being involved and so she blocked the second attempt as well. "Please don't get me wrong, I want to kiss you, but not like this, not while there's a chance you might regret it or not remember it." Disappointment spread through the blonde, she understood Lexa and her reasoning, but couldn't fight her feelings. She took a deep breath and tried to get her emotions under control. She didn't want to say or do anything she didn't mean, so she kept silent and just nodded. "Not today doesn't mean never, but not like this, okay?" Green looked in blue and down to the depths of her soul.

They didn't speak after that, though they remained seated for a while. Clarke was engrossed in her shame and Lexa kept telling herself that she had made the right decision. A first kiss should not be like that, but at the right moment, and so she just kept gently squeezing Clarke's shoulder to free her from her negative thoughts, because after all there was nothing to be ashamed of.

Clarke awoke the next morning with a slight headache, but it was nothing she couldn't fix with a pain pill and plenty of water.

And when last night came to mind, she was glad she didn't have to ride the bus and run into Lexa today. She should have been smarter and known better. But she hadn't been, so she had to learn to live with it.

All the rest of the weekend she tried in vain to think of something else, but always ended up back on the same topic. There was no moving forward, no looking into the future, no laughing about it, instead the question marks and a feeling of stagnation remained. She didn't dare contact Lexa either, though, for fear of her reaction. Real relief or the final rejection would probably have to wait until Monday.

But it didn't come. Nor did it come on Tuesday or Wednesday. Instead, it seemed Lexa only sought her closeness more intensely. It was on a Thursday when the brunette asked her if she had time to do something with her after school.

And that's how they ended up walking hand in hand through the park near the city. They laughed, talked, and enjoyed the silence and closeness of each other. Time froze, feeling almost magical, but could magic really last? Didn't it have to be forgiven like everything? Even the brightest stars in the sky had to burn out eventually, why should it be any different for them? Sadness, joy, foreboding and happiness mixed together to form a feeling that followed them like a bland aftertaste.

They took their first rest on a bridge. The water under them flowed leisurely and the light that broke on the surface made it glitter.

The two of them were watching a family of ducks that was about to reach the other bank when Lexa broke the silence. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

Clarke laughed softly. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Now it was the brunette's turn to laugh. "Could you just accept a compliment for once?"

"I don't think that's available today, best to try again tomorrow, you might have a better chance." This time Lexa laughed out loud. "Good counter, doesn't change the truth though." With those words, she turned to Clarke and brushed a stray strand of her

stray strand of hair from her face. She lingered with her hand for a moment, and began to stroke the delicate skin with her thumb before slowly leaning over to her

and approached Clarke's lips with hers. Instantly, they went dry, her heart began to race, and she felt like she was about to faint. With her luck, probably in the water. But that would be a price she would gladly pay, even if there was only a slight chance, it would be worth it.

And then their lips met. In any comedy, the wind would blow the hair out of their faces and a melody would be played to match, or at least fireworks would be set off in the background. Instead, it was all happening inside them and even time seemed to bow to them and pass more slowly. It was a kiss that was experienced only once in a lifetime, with only one particular person. And their moment, happened just now.

But everything changed with the next morning, because Finn was healthy again and waiting for Clarke on the bus.

The butterflies she had just felt were gone in one fell swoop when she got on and spotted him. "Finn?!"

"Good morning, baby." He leaned over to her, wanting to give her a kiss, but she dodged it. She didn't want to kiss him, didn't even want to touch him, his presence alone made her feel like she was cheating on Lexa.

"Don't worry, I'm not contagious anymore," he, on the other hand, dismissed her reaction with a laugh and put his arm around her. And just as Clarke was about to wriggle out of it, her eyes met Lexa's sad one. She wanted to go to her, to apologize, to explain everything, but the brunette turned around and all Clarke saw for the rest of the bus ride was her back. She didn't dare go up to her and talk to her in any way, shape or form. At first she wanted to work it out with Finn, but here was no more the appropriate place than school, so she accompanied him home in the evening. He still had no idea what was in store for him.

Once in his room, she asked Finn to sit down.

"What's the matter Clarke? You're starting to scare me. You've been so weird all day." The blonde, however, listened to him with only one ear; she was too absorbed in her own thoughts and was running her circles around his room.

At some point he grabbed her hand and pulled her down on the bed next to him. "Can you please stop that and talk to me?" It was the first time in a while that she actually looked at him. "I...I'm sorry. I just have no idea how to start."

"Clarke, you've always been able to talk to me so far. No matter what it's about, we'll find a solution."

But she shook her head. "There's no solution to that." Gently, she took his hand in hers. "You know we were friends for a long time before this started with us." She waited for him to nod before continuing. "And I think it's best that we go back

go back there. So to the beginning and just be friends. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

The longer she had spoken, the more his face had fallen in on itself. "Why now, is this about college? I know we'd be in a long-distance relationship, but we'll make it work if we really want to!" he looked deeply at her with his dark eyes, the ones she used to like so much about him and now triggered nothing in her.

Clarke sighed loudly. "I know that's what you're thinking, but across the distance we'd be estranged and I'd rather end it amicably than later in a fight."

"But Clarke... I love you! Please don't throw away everything we've built up over the last few years." He looked at her almost pleadingly and with tears in his eyes, but all it did was make Clarke even more direct.

"We can't throw away anything that wouldn't have a future anyway, because to be honest, I met someone. "

"When? And how long has it been going on?" Sadness turned to bitterness, which eventually turned to anger.

"We met in the last two weeks." This fact was already hard for Clarke, so how did it feel for Finn?

The latter snorted contemptuously. "Are you serious? While I was sick at home, you were looking for someone new?"

"Not looked, but found, and I want to be honest. I can't pretend nothing's wrong. That wouldn't be fair. Not to you, not to her."

"Her? You traded me for a woman? Why?" He could grasp less and less what he was hearing. This morning his world had seemed perfect and now his imagined future was nothing more than mere fantasy. Wishful thinking that could not stand up to reality.

They began to go in circles in their conversation. The same questions were answered in the same way. But when the tears finally came, he asked her to leave. He didn't want to see her pity and so he rejected her attempts to comfort him. He pushed her arm away and all he wanted was to be alone to sort out his thoughts.

She followed his request, but turned back at the door. "I really hope we can be friends again." But her hope would be in vain, because from the following day it was as if they were strangers and their relationship had never existed.

Finn sat in the farthest corner of the bus in the morning, at school he no longer paid her a glance and Clarke's best friends also tried in vain to smooth the waters or at least cheer the blonde up a bit. But she waved them off, her ex-boyfriend didn't occupy her nearly as much as a certain brunette. She hadn't been on the bus the last few days and hadn't responded to any messages or calls, and Clarke didn't know where she lived. Therefore, she had no choice but to wait, for Lexa to contact her or show up again.

In her chamber and her worry about her, she slept only a few hours, mostly her lack of sleep drove her outside and more and more often to the small park where her first and probably last kiss with Lexa had taken place. Since no one was ever here at this hour, Clarke still wore her pajamas and even if someone should run into her, she didn't care. She didn't care about anything except the brunette.

She sat down by the water and heard some crickets chirping very close to her. The wind gradually began to flit through the treetops and the pale light of the moon cast its shadows. Otherwise, it was quiet. Sometimes this quiet was oppressive and sometimes liberating, but these conflicting feelings almost minutely tapped into each other.

Clarke sighed deeply, only to be startled in the same breath as the shadow of a person crossed her face. "Are you usually in your pajamas?" she recognized Lexa's velvety voice.

"In the middle of the night, actually." The blonde lay down on the grass, she wasn't afraid to freeze, like the days before, the ground was still warmed up from the somme.

"What are you doing here, Clarke, in the middle of the night?", Lexa wanted to know.

"Lack of sleep and what's your excuse?"

"The same one, even though I'm not running around in my pajamas." Clarke nodded but remained silent, instead sliding over to the brunette, who by now had done the same, and seeking contact with her. "What are we doing here, Clarke?"

"Lying in the grass in a park in the middle of the night?"

"No, I mean all of this. You clearly have a boyfriend and yet you're flirting with me. Why?"

"I broke up with him the same day you saw us together, so technically he's my ex-boyfriend."

"Still, it wasn't right." The blonde nodded. "I know and I'm really incredibly sorry. That was just shitty and not really my style."

This time it was the brunette who nodded. "Why did you guys break up? Was it because of what happened between you and me or something else?"

The addressed breathed heavily, but she knew she had to be completely frank from this point on. "There were many reasons. We were a couple for 3 years and he envisioned our future, he had specific plans and I didn't. At least not for us. He applied to Harvard with me but didn't get in. I should have been sad, but instead was relieved. I think he felt more for me than I ever could. So a long-distance relationship, which is what he wanted, would never have worked."

"We'd be facing the same problem after the summer, and that's without years of a relationship. It wouldn't work. On top of that, there would be 5 hours of flight time separating us and our colleges. We couldn't just visit each other on the weekends." Briefly, Lexa faltered and swallowed deeply before she collected herself enough to continue speaking. "The way things are right now, we can only lose, and we both deserve a carefree college experience. I don't want to stop you from having your experience and inevitably I would." At the beginning of the conversation, Lexa had been looking at her; by now she was staring up at the sky.

Clarke knew everything she said was true, but even lived truth hurt. "I wish it were different."

"Me too Clarke, me too."

"Do we stay in touch?" she voiced her last remaining hope.

"I don't think I could do that without feeling guilty toward you." And it was true. If Lexa knew Clarke was just a phone call or message away, she would always feel like she was cheating on her, and at the same time, have the unfounded hope of a happy ending. But happily ever after only existed in fairy tales. Lexa would probably never be able to put into words how much she wanted to be in one right now.

"Does this mean we'll never see each other again? This is goodbye? A goodbye?" Blue eyes began to sparkle with disappointment and tears were almost impossible to hold back.

"Instead of goodbye, can't we say goodbye? After all, in life you always see each other twice and no matter what, we will have 2 unforgettable weeks," she tried to comfort the blonde a little.

"We don't know what will happen in the next few years. It's all so uncertain and feels final." If she wasn't already lying down, she would hang her head.

Lexa turned to Clarke to look her in the eye again and gingerly intertwined their hands together. "We're just helping fate, life or whatever. Because I don't want this to be final any more than you do. What do you say we meet again outside our cafe five years from today?"

The blonde sighed. "Five years is a long time."