Several Lifes

From a purely logical point of view, everything that has a beginning must also have an end. Otherwise it would be a recurring paradox, with always the same course and perhaps always the same end? Here the question arises how much is predetermined and how much is actually the own will. So how free is the human being really? Or does the soul merely recognize loved ones? These are questions that can be asked but never solved. They belong to the mysteries of mankind, to the exciting considerations which every human being will justify in his own way and probably also experience.

1960

Tears streamed down her cheeks, but Clarke drove. She drove on and on until day said goodbye to night and the sun wished sweet dreams to the moon. She had no destination. Her only plan was to put as many miles as possible between herself and her old life. There was no back, only forward, what was was past, the future uncertain and the present not even existing yet. She would be lying if she said she wasn't afraid. Her knees trembled and a voice inside her said she was making a mistake, that living near Lexa was better than having to be without her. But Clarke knew it was only one piece of the puzzle. Like a betrayal of herself and that only fear spoke from her, the same one that had driven her to run.

The hours passed her by and yet never felt like a long time. Like the blink of an eye, two at most, until her adrenaline was used up and fatigue caught up with her.

Exhausted, she pulled over to the side of the road at some point, took a water bottle out of her bag, and drank a big gulp. She leaned against the car and watched the sun's rays climb the rock in front of her, bathing it in orange light. For those few minutes, she thought of nothing but surrendered to the moment. Enjoyed the warmth on her skin and the secure feeling that it left behind. She had actually left her old life behind for freedom, had given up everything and did not know where to go. She would not be able to hesitate forever, she had cash, but she would not get very far with it. She would have to find work, rent an apartment, and make her own decisions about her life. None of this she had ever done, and it scared her in ways she never thought she could be. And she would have to get through all of this on her own. There was no backup, no plan B.

Clarke screamed. For the first time in her life, she screamed, and there was no one to tell her not to. Told her it wasn't proper for a woman, told her to keep her composure. No one called her to order. So she kept screaming until she was hoarse. After all, there was no one there besides her who could be bothered.

The screaming was followed by crying until she finally laughed. So many emotions were crashing down on her that she didn't know how to control. And every single one of them was just liberating. Now, finally, she could find out who Clarke Blake, where she would be Clarke Griffin again after the divorce, actually was. She could have dreams, discover them, and make them come true. Even if she had no idea what they would look like. But she could have them, and that was something she had never dared to hope for. They always seemed far away and the faster she approached the horizon to catch them, the more distant they seemed. It was a race against time that she could never win.

By now the sun was in the sky, the air continued to warm, and Clarke took another big gulp from her water bottle. Her tongue was coated, her lips dry and her throat felt as if she had eaten sand. The cool wetness lessened that feeling and left her feeling grateful. Gratitude for the moment, her courage and her will that had brought her here.

Clarke sat on the hood instead of just leaning, and began to pray.

She didn't know if she believed in God or not; she had never had the choice to decide freely. In her family, people had gone to church every Wednesday and Sunday morning, made confession, and kept the commandments of the Bible. For years she had followed her duties until she had fallen in love with Lexa, after which it had seemed hypocritical. Subsequently, she only went on Sundays with a guilty conscience while looking at her neighbor, who sat either next to or in front of her, and wishing for a life with her.

Clarke also no longer prayed before going to bed or at church services as she had before. She also didn't know if God even heard or loved her anymore; should she believe the priest, her chances were slim. But she believed that every human being was created to be free in thought, genuine in feeling, and perfect in essence. For her there were no differences, she had learned that through her love for Lexa. Love, was never a mistake, could not be one. So why, should God or whoever or whatever sat up there, ignore her when she asked for a sign to show her the way, or at least help her find it?

She repeated her request like a mantra. It was supposed to give her the strength to keep going, to take a step forward. And when she opened her eyes again, she took one last deep breath before getting in and driving on.

Her adventure had just begun and would not take her back to Lexa until many years later. A long time in which she learned to survive and adapt to the changes of life.

***

In February 1969, things were coming to a head in New York. Women took to the streets, demonstrated and began burning their bras. What began in New Jersey on September 7, 1968, spread and took hold. Among them was Clarke, who was fighting against the patriarchal pattern of oppression while standing up for the LGBTQ* community, whose cry was now growing louder as well. Fighting back. Clarke, like her, wanted change, but not at any cost, not when people were being hurt, maybe even killed. But the oppression had been going on for so long that the violence that was now resisting it had reached unmanageable levels. And when she read in the newspaper about riots in Polis, fear crept into her bones and nothing could stop it. She wanted Lexa to be safe, so she threw some necessary items into a suitcase, called in sick to her job as a secretary for the next few days, and got in her car. Clarke drove all the rest of the day and all night before she came to the now slightly faded town sign of her former home. Wistfulness overcame her, a longing she had banished to the furthest corner of her heart, and the closer she got to her old road, and through it Lexa, the faster her broken heart beat. All her wishes, hopes and dreams were back in one fell swoop, as were her fears and grief over the loss. It was a jumble of emotions, an up and down, that she felt deep in her bones and hurt her. As if her mental discomfort was also expressing itself physically.

Finally, she parked her car a bit off the road and walked the last few meters. Everything seemed calm, as if at least this street had been spared from the chaos and let her breathe a sigh of relief for the first time since she had left New York.

Hidden in the shadows of the houses, the blonde used every dark spot to move around. Even the many trees that lined the avenue, offered her protection. In this way, she came only slowly, but safely and unseen forward.

And then she saw them standing at a window. More beautiful than the day she had last seen her, and lost herself in the sight. How was such a thing possible? Clarke's heart swelled and filled her with an almost forgotten love. The warmth she felt enveloped her protectively from the cold she no longer even noticed. How she wished she could just ring her doorbell, take her in her arms and never let go. Would Lexa be happy to see her? Would she yell at her? Or even invite her in and as soon as the door would close behind them, kiss her? Maybe all the past time would be forgotten all at once, never existed. Maybe, Lexa had forgotten her too, they had become strangers, as if their love had never existed and Clarke had lived in a fantasy world that now caught up with her and left her heart broken forever.

She didn't know Lexa's truth. Didn't know why she suddenly seemed so much more grown up in her nature and her look had become more serious. Clarke knew only her own truth and hoped that it was enough. But one thing she knew for sure, she would not return until she had seen and faced Lexa. She owed that to her, but also to herself.

She paused for a moment before walking to her car and setting out to find a hotel for the night.

Another day passed before she dared to come out of hiding and face Lexa's truth, and with it, their shared past. Clarke had wanted to be brave and walk toward her with her head held high, but instead she felt small and insignificant. A lived fantasy, had the possibility of having succumbed to a delusion, a utopia, whose reality was far from imagination.

And this thought frightened her.

Lexa froze as a blond mop of hair came into her field of vision. She had imagined seeing Clarke so many times in the last few years and had been disappointed every time. Somewhere along the way, disappointment had turned to anger. The blonde had left her behind as if she had never mattered, as if their years together were just a game she had lost. But as the mop of hair came closer, she realized she hadn't been wrong, and different feelings came crashing down on her. Her heart leapt with happiness and broke at the same time. She wanted to hug Clarke and keep her at a distance. Run and stay and so she just froze. There was no forward, there was no back.

One look into blue eyes was enough to break through her laboriously built wall with an ease she hadn't even imagined. But Lexa was stubborn, her head forbidding her to give in, to let her get back to her without an explanation, even knowing he was fighting a losing battle, he did it with all his might.

Meanwhile, Clarke had reached her and was now struggling with her emotions in her turn. Even if with her it was fear of Lexa's reaction. Which, judging by the look the brunette gave her, was not unfounded.

"What are you doing here?" The brunette's voice was cold and cutting. There was no hello or any other form of greeting.

Clarke's heart stopped, froze instantly, and only with difficulty could she keep from starting to cry here and now.

"I came to check on you." Her voice sounded broken, as if she had long since acknowledged her defeat and was living on the hope of one, possibly yes.

And so the sneering laugh that now followed went through her marrow and seemed to want to destroy her hope once and for all. "All of a sudden now?" Lexa shook her head, but her heart broke at her own words just as the blonde's had before.

"Please, is there somewhere we can talk? Alone?" The addressed already wanted to say no, but when she saw the pleading look Clarke gave her, she couldn't and deep inside, hidden in the far corners of her self, locked in thought dusty boxes, she knew she didn't want to either. She didn't want to say no. She wanted to be alone with her. Wanted to believe every word of the apology that would inevitably follow. As if she were a naive child, she longed for every single syllable, even if they were a lie. So she nodded, and Clarke followed her uncertainly in silence.

The brunette led her back down the all too familiar street and to a house that triggered even more in her during the day than it did at night. Lexa unlocked the front door and a familiar smell rose to Clarke's nose. A shiver gripped her body. It always amazed her how many memories were tied to one smell.

Silently, she accompanied them to the kitchen, where Lexa asked them to sit down and made coffee for both of them. As if they had had one only yesterday, the brunette remembered exactly how Clarke drank hers.

Finally, she put a cup in front of her and sat down across from her.

"I wasn't lying earlier," Clarke said the first thing that came to her mind, and in this way tried to dispel the tense mood. She knew she wouldn't be able to lighten it. She had squandered that privilege the day she had left to start a new life. "I wanted to make sure you were okay, after reading about the riots in Polis, I just had to come here." Lexa just looked at her and knew she was telling the truth, but she didn't manage to answer. "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."

The brunette laughed derisively, and Clarke wondered when in the past few years that trait had manifested itself. "That's why you left without saying goodbye, because you wanted me to be happy." The longer she spoke the more sarcastic Lexa's words sounded. In another life and time, the brunette would have banged the table with all her might, making the cups clink, maybe even topple over. "I...", the blonde wanted to reply something, but Lexa raised her hand and kept talking. "Even Bellamy received a letter, and me? Me you just left! Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning, clueless, only to have your door knocked on and not opened? I was so worried about you. No one knew! I had to wait several days for your husband to find out anything!" Upset, the brunette gestured as her voice grew louder. Clarke tried to interrupt her again, wanting so badly to explain, but Lexa wouldn't let him. Too much was still on her mind. "He ran out of the car, found your letter and showed it to me. I couldn't believe my eyes! All those loving words." She shook her head in disbelief. "Did he really mean more to you than I did?"

Clarke saw the sadness in her eyes, the pain and uncertainty that had plagued her all these years. She heard the sorrow in Lexa's broken voice, which made her want to touch her. The blonde reached out to clasp Lexa's hand, but immediately withdrew it, not wanting to rush into anything either. She didn't want to offend her, but didn't know the brunette's limits. At least not anymore. "I wish I'd come back sooner so there wouldn't be this mess." Clarke sighed, exhausted. "There are so many things I have to tell you, that I want to tell you, but first things first. Bellamy doesn't mean any more to me than you do, he never did, even though I realized it too late and was already married. The proof of that, you just never got, apparently." Clarke wanted to cry, to scream, but none of that would help in this situation and that was sometimes the most frustrating. How was she supposed to be able to point out what it was really like when all there was for this was her memories? "Bellamy wasn't the only one who was supposed to get a letter. Yours was the one I put in your mailbox. I knew a shake of the head or even a look in your eyes and I wouldn't have done it. I might even have asked you to accompany me, thus keeping you from acting out your desires. Later, if you hadn't done it by then, I would have loathed myself for it." The blonde's voice choked, tears as big as a marble rolled down Clarke's cheeks, while Lexa looked at her unblinkingly. A battle raged inside her. Should she comfort the blonde? Take her in her arms or shake her until all these fluffy thoughts disappeared from her mind?

"What did my letter say?" was finally the only thing she was able to produce and Clarke remembered each of her written words as if it was yesterday and not 9 years ago. Remembered the pain, the sadness and also the anger they had left behind.

"It is selfishness to ask you to give up your dreams, so I have to listen to myself on one point and leave. Otherwise, I will eventually be a reflection of myself and what I once was, hidden in the shadows, buried under rubble. I still wish we could just throw away all the reasons that separate us. A new beginning in the midst of this chaotic world that seems to be against us. I wish I could ask you to accompany me, everything in me cries out for it, but nothing is more important than your happiness, nothing has ever been more important and so I can't bring myself to ask you." As in the letter, the blonde paused for a moment before continuing. "My heart will always follow you, no matter where our paths may take us. There is no place where you do not exist for me. Love is the key to reason."

Lexa couldn't believe it. How could Clarke sit in front of her and tell her all this? Why hadn't she let her decide freely? Her thoughts were circling, giving her a headache, and yet in the confusion she tried to understand Clarke's point of view. Recognized the selflessness behind the act. The good intentions that had so misguided her and separated them. Yet so much remained unanswered. Only the courage to ask the really important questions seemed to have suddenly been lost to her. Together with a part of her anger.

"Love is the key to reason?", Lexa's voice sounded almost gentle and Clarke looked at her lovingly. "What could be more reasonable than acting out of love? And isn't it the key to everything that matters?"

Lexa tilted her head and a barely visible smile played around her lips. "It may sound strange, but I understand you. I really do." The corners of her mouth twitched a little more and she shook her head almost in disbelief as her eyebrows shot up. "All these years I've really tried to hate you, and now you're sitting in front of me and none of it seems to matter anymore."

"Does that mean you forgive me?" Clarke looked at her hopefully from wide eyes.

"Whether I would go that far, I don't know, there's too much I need to process first."

"That's understandable, and I don't want to push you. Take as much time as you need, I'll be in town for a few more days." Lexa nodded and Clarke stood up. She walked over to the brunette's chair and leaned in until her mouth was close to her ear. Her breath brushed over her skin and Lexa's hackles stood up. "Despite everything I said, to this day I regret not asking you. Every single day I was consumed with longing for you and wishing I had you with me. My only consolation was knowing that you could live your dreams." Every word spoken was true. The fear that at some point she would not have been enough for Lexa, until love would have turned to hate because she could never fulfill her one great wish. At the same time, a constant longing had filled Clarke, the question of what if. And the fear of being filled by something whose time had long since passed and no longer mattered. Although she had tried every day to convince herself that she had made the right decision, she regretted it every second of her waking existence. This feeling intensified with every moment Lexa spoke.

"My dreams have not come true. For a long time all I wanted was to have a child, but that desire was replaced by wanting to be with you. I know that I understood it late, too late, it seems to me." Shocked, blue looked at green. "I became pregnant, but suffered a miscarriage from which I nearly died." Clarke knelt on the floor in front of Lexa and reached for her hand. "I almost died and you weren't there. That feeling of being alone, surrounded by my family and while Roan held my hand, I will never forget." The last dams broke and Lexa began to cry. Clarke did the same and hugged her as tight as she could. In between sobs, she apologized for all the grief she had caused. She never wanted to hurt her, and she certainly didn't want to be responsible for reopening old wounds. Lexa said nothing, she relived the past moments and simply held the blonde while they both sank into each other's arms.

How do you heal wounds that reached deep into your soul? A pain that made hearts break? Perhaps the embrace was part of a longer process that initiated this healing. Finally gaining insight into long sought questions gave comfort and lessened the heaviness that sat on Lexa's chest. All was far from well, but it was a start.

Time passed and resembled an infinity that never seemed to end. At least not until Lexa freed herself from the grip. She rubbed her eyes and wiped the tear tracks from her cheeks. "You know what I don't understand?" Blue looked up for the first time in a while and met green's eyes questioningly. "Why did I never get your letter?"

Clarke shrugged, she didn't have an answer, but there were a few possibilities they immediately discussed. Perhaps it had been lost on the way to the house? But Lexa was sure she would have spotted him later when she had gone over to Clarke to check on her. Nor could either of them imagine a thief raiding mailboxes, let alone taking just one. They also ruled out the wind. Therefore, all that remained was the visit Lexa had received that day. "I was just wondering if it was really me who got the mail. Sometimes Nia does that too."

Now it was up to the blonde to think. Nia had sought her out then to stop her from asking Lexa to accompany her, and her words had ultimately been decisive in her decision not to. Could it really be a coincidence that shortly thereafter her letter disappeared and thus never reached Lexa? In her eyes it was too obvious. There had to be a connection, she was almost sure. And so she told the brunette about her conversation with her mother-in-law. She didn't know the exact wording after all this time, but the message behind it she did. The individual pieces of the puzzle seemed to come together more and more to form a picture and confirm Clarke's suspicions. Lexa was also becoming more and more suspicious.

***

On February 16, 1969 Clarke got into her car, she hadn't heard from Lexa since their talk. Maybe it was a good thing. At least that's what she told herself. She knew nothing about the heated argument that had taken place between the brunette and her mother-in-law until a few minutes ago.

As so often since her marriage to Roan, Nia visited her daughter-in-law. It made her forget her dull everyday life and at the same time keep an attentive eye on the brunette. But she had not expected what was waiting for her when Lexa opened the door. Almost fiery she was looked at from green eyes, so that she inevitably wondered if something had happened since her last visit a week ago. She did not believe in another pregnancy, for that the care and love her son Roan felt for the brunette was too great. Therefore, she first inquired about her other condition and experiences of the last few days, but nothing about it seemed conspicuous. Only the look she received remained the same.

They sat down on a couch in the living room, when Lexa addressed her for the first time, and not only answered. "I'm asking you to be honest with me."

Suspiciously, Nia drew her eyebrows together and narrowed her eyes into slits. "What do you mean?"

Lexa didn't want to wait any longer, didn't want to beat around the bush on such an important topic, so she addressed her suspicions directly. "Did you make Clarke's letter disappear then?"

The older woman sighed. "Why are you bringing up this topic today of all days?" she asked as innocuously as possible without addressing the actual question.

"I would like an answer," the brunette had always been the perfect daughter-in-law. Obedient, quiet, without questioning anything, but today she persisted and that, in turn, now aroused a suspicion in the older woman. "Has she been here? Have you met again after all this time?"

"You're avoiding my question." It was actually already the answer, but the brunette didn't want to believe it. All these years she had always thought that she had a good relationship with her mother-in-law, but when she looked into her eyes now, she discovered no warmth, no loving strands in them, only coldness and something that could probably best be described as calculation. And sent a shiver down her spine.

"Just like you, my dear."

Lexa's impatience mixed more and more with the burgeoning anger, at the correctness of her realization. There was no more denial about an irrefutable fact that felt so much like betrayal. "Why did you do that? You had no right to!"

"Watch your words, my child. I am still the elder and I have every right when I protect my family, my only son." Although unspoken, they both knew that this was only part of the truth. A truth that Nia kept to herself.

"To interfere in my life or Clarke's that is none of your business? No. You don't have the right to decide about us. To decide happiness or unhappiness." Angrily, they sparkled at each other.

"You had a hunch you were pregnant! Was I supposed to just keep turning a blind eye to the truth when you were about to ruin all of our lives?! You didn't think about the consequences of your actions. Of the repercussions that affected your husband!" Nia almost spat those words.

"The consequence was that I almost died! That I lived a life that I hated! Roan stayed with me out of a sense of duty!" Of this Lexa was convinced, she didn't know how wrong she was and Nia would be the last to ease her conscience. "What difference does that make to you! Secretly you were just waiting for the day Clarke would come back and take you with him."

It hit Lexa like a lightning bolt as she realized that Nia was right. Never before had that thought occurred to her, but hearing it now helped her finally see clearly. "You're right. Even if I don't understand it until now." Lexa stood up abruptly, went into her bedroom, grabbed her suitcase from the closet, and began putting away the most important clothes. Meanwhile, Nia had caught up with her. "What are you going to do?"

"What I should have done quite a few years ago!"

"I forbid you to do that!" Nia reached for the suitcase, but Lexa resisted and pushed her away. "For once, I decide!"

Just a few minutes later, she was out the door and into the night. She knew where her path would take her, Clarke himself had told her. The blonde had checked into the most secluded hotel in town and when the brunette got there, she saw them get into their car and drive away. No! Lexa began to curse loudly, this couldn't be happening. Not now. Not today.

But for once, fate, and therefore life, seemed to be on her side, and Clarke looked in her rearview mirror one last time. She blinked, once, twice, but the figure she'd spotted in it didn't disappear, and at that moment she put on the brakes and ran to Lexa. The engine was still running and the car door was open, but she didn't care. All that mattered was the woman in front of her, whom she had never stopped loving.

After what felt like an eternity, she finally reached the brunette and embraced her in disbelief. Clarke had tried to suppress any hope until the very end. But to see her here now, in front of her, surpassed everything imaginable. She smelled her scent enveloping her, telling her that she was home, that everything was finally going to be okay. Her life would be so much more than just surviving in the freedom that had never fully managed to fill her, when the most important part of her essence had always been missing.

And when they finally broke away from each other, they were still standing close together, hand in hand, tears streaming down both of their cheeks. But it was not sorrow, but redemption or even realization? And Lexa wondered how the blonde could be the answer to all her unasked questions. How she could feel so free and happy in the knowledge that she was all she had ever needed. She was her calm, her rock, her sextant on the high seas. With her by her side, she would always find the right path, the way to her.

The two women approached each other anew, slowly, as if to savor the moment rather than destroy it, to preserve the chosen bubble as long as they could. Their lips were about to touch, their hearts beat faster and the moment so longed for was so close, but it did not come. For suddenly bright lights were upon them. They heard a squeak and felt a hard impact. After that, darkness reigned, without an awakening.

A car had crashed into them head-on. There had been no braking, only the pure will to end it once and for all.

Theodor Fontane once said, "Happiness is not a gift - only a loan," and today was the day they had to repay their loan.

***

Present

5 years was a long time in which a lot could change. They could feel like a complete lifetime or just a snap of a finger. For Clarke, it was a mix of both, eventually replaced by anticipation. At least until, like the first time, she found herself standing outside the café 10min early, waiting for Lexa. From that point on, fear had taken over. Would Lexa really come or did she just make a fool of herself?

Clarke stared at the tips of her shoes before looking up and straight into green eyes that still held her spellbound, as they had since the very first time. And Lexa froze, too, an ocean before her, sweeping her along, its waves lapping at her. She could almost hear the water rushing and a seagull announcing land with its cry. The forest met life-giving wet.

Her mouth felt dry and her nerves felt overwhelmed, and so they stopped in front of each other, somewhat indecisively, before embracing with smiles.

How can a familiar feeling be described when it felt new and exciting at the same time? When familiar hands embrace one while their lives had changed in ways they hadn't anticipated over the past few years? The college years had been formative for both of them. Peppered with new experiences, but also insights into themselves and their way of looking at the world. How much did they still resemble the young adults of yesteryear, and how much had their natures changed? Was there a way back? Would that even make sense? And how much could they be themselves without scaring the other away?

But the moment they parted, still smiling, and took another look into each other's eyes, the shyness was gone, and with it any possible misgivings.

The years seemed not to matter, not even to exist. They had met just yesterday and the day before. They had shared a milkshake and the delicious chocolate cake from the bakery across the street from the café.

They forgot about everything around them as they sat at one of the tables, drinking a coffee and casting furtive glances at each other every now and then. They talked about their current lives, their college days, without going into too much detail, and both realized that until now they had always been missing something that now seemed complete.

The familiarity of that time took its place anew and let Clarke's heart speak openly. "I was afraid you wouldn't come."

It was not an accusation, not a real question, rather the disclosure of feelings that at the same time underpinned trust in the other. Lexa reacted accordingly, understanding this fact as such. The green of her eyes seemed to become softer than it already was, and she reached for Clarke's hand, squeezing it briefly before releasing it. "Nothing in this world, could have stopped me from coming today."

"It was only one life, after all," the blonde grinned widely, to which Lexa replied. Both were aware that Clarke was just trying to cover up her insecurity.

"I wouldn't call five years a lifetime." The brunette raised her eyebrows and the grin, had turned into a wry smirk.

Clarke laughed out loud and the smile that now followed not only reached her eyes, but made them sparkle. "Somehow it feels that way, though."

The hours passed, the day was replaced by the evening and finally by the night. Laughing, they left the closing café, together with the first butterflies in their stomachs, which had begun to stretch their wings. Accordingly, none of them wanted to leave, even if they did not want to admit their feelings yet. The adjacent park offered a suitable opportunity to prolong the evening a bit.

The lanterns that lined their path provided a diffuse light that sometimes flickered and seemed to reflect their mood, for both wanted to reach for the other's hand, but neither dared. It was up and down. So much remained unspoken, so many feelings hidden in their hearts and lying like lead on their tongues. The fear of rejection or the possibility that everything just felt so good, so right, was only because of their past, paralyzed them and made them fall silent.

But a truth not lived, made lonely and so Clarke gathered all her courage not to have to torture herself one day with her own reproaches, to regret something.

"Can we see each other again this week?" Full of hope, she looked at her counterpart. Which prompted Lexa to take her in her arms and give her a kiss on the head in response. She had always been the more reserved of the two, and yet now they stood close together. The attraction still strong and unbroken. Their souls melted into one and yet a certain wistfulness resonated, inexplicable and yet standing between them.

But even as Clarke made her request, they knew that one week would not be enough and so they saw each other almost every day for the next two weeks. And yet the time spent together never seemed to be enough, but it was enough to trigger far-reaching changes in their behavior that even those around them noticed. For they both laughed more, seemed more relaxed and at one with themselves and the world. Everything suddenly seemed better than before. The colors were brighter, the scents more intense, and even their tastes seemed refined.

Old feelings were rediscovered and the familiar fire was rekindled. It was only a blaze, but both knew that it would not be long before the blaze became a fire that could not be extinguished.

It happened on Friday evening, when they went for another walk and sat down on one of the many hidden benches. In front of them was a small stream, edged with grass and a few bushes. Clarke leaned against Lexa, her head on her shoulder, while the brunette put her arm around her and pulled her close. Not a word had been spoken about feelings; both were already conspicuously avoiding it. As if the whole situation was a bubble, doomed to fail as soon as their own thoughts were spoken aloud. A game they couldn't play, let alone win, because in the end, no matter how many rounds they played, they would always find themselves at a loss.

But as they sat so intimately together, enjoying the familiarity, none of it seemed to matter, instead Clarke lifted her head and joined blue to green. Gently, the blonde stroked her thumbs over delicate features she had missed so much, and Lexa laid her head full of affection in Clarke's palms, reaching out to the caress and closing her eyes in pleasure until she felt lips on hers. Like a gentle breeze, they brushed across, exploring familiar territory, and when Clarke's tongue gently begged for entrance, it was granted. As if they were drowning, they clung to each other. Searching and finding each other over and over again. Longing spread and with a sigh that sounded so desperate it hurt, Lexa broke away from the kiss. Sadly, she looked at Clarke before lowering her head. "I... I'm sorry." With an infinitely gentle gesture, the blonde wiped away her tears, and in her eyes were so many questions and fear of the answer. She kept silent, trying to prepare herself for the coming hurt, but she couldn't prepare herself for what was waiting for her.

"It's wrong," was all that passed the brunette's lips at first, and she cringed as she looked into troubled blue eyes.

"I don't understand what you mean? Was that too fast? Did I cross a line?" Guilt crept up inside her and began to nestle in every corner of her body.

Gently, Lexa took the blonde's head in her hands. Gently, she looked at her and shook her head. "You didn't do anything wrong, but I wasn't honest with you." The brunette lowered her gaze for a moment before managing to lift it again. A deep sigh and a heavy breath followed. "I got married a few weeks ago and.... And we're leaving for our honeymoon on Sunday. For scheduling reasons, I couldn't make it earlier..." that the blonde and the upcoming meeting with her had been part of the reason, Lexa concealed.

Meanwhile, the shock and grief, Clarke hit like a knife blow. As if the sword of Damocles that had hovered over them since their first reunion had come down with a crash and split them in half.

"What was that all about now? One last adventure before the shackles have you in their grip for good? Why didn't you ever say anything during those two weeks?" The blonde's voice broke and she had long since wriggled out of Lexa's grip. Being so close to her, sensing her touch on her skin, was more than she could handle right now.

Lexa sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Believe me, I was going to tell you at the first meeting, but then.... all the feelings came back up and all I wanted was to be near you." Her voice sounded incredulous, as if she herself couldn't comprehend what had happened. "It felt like the most natural thing in the world, yet the kiss... it should never have happened, let alone felt THAT way." Disbelief had turned into a soft and guilty look. "It seemed like I was dying of thirst without knowing it, and you were the saving water, my life source. All I ever needed, and I'm ashamed of all my words, knowing their truthfulness, and that's not fair to Costia, to whom I only recently, out of love, gave my yes word. But if this is love, what is it between us?" Desperation would have been an understatement and Clarke sensed it with all her senses. She knew Lexa wasn't lying, even if that fact didn't make it any easier for her. Clarke created a little more space for herself by moving away. Uncertainly, she ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know what this is between us, but I would have liked to find out. If I had known you were married.... I mean, you never wore a ring, at least I never saw one."

Lexa took out the ring from her bag and showed it to the blonde. "I'm not proud of my behavior, but would I do anything differently? At most, wait to get married."

"What now?" Clarke didn't manage to respond to anything else. She was afraid for her gradually breaking heart.

"I'll be honest. I don't. I wish it were different, that I had a plan, but I don't. All I have is endless, incredibly confusing, feelings that I have to deal with somehow." Clarke was silent; she had no idea how to respond situationally herself. "I need time to think about everything. And... I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to hurt her either. She's great, and I get along with my mother-in-law, Nia, too. It..."

Clarke interrupted her. "I understand that your situation isn't easy, but it isn't for me either."

Lexa took the blonde's hand in hers. "I'm not saying no to us, I'm just saying I need time to figure out what's right. I can't give up on my marriage lightly, not without thinking it through properly." Lexa looked at her pleadingly. She begged her for understanding and a chance. "Can we please meet when I get back?" The blonde hesitated. Her head was in battle with her heart for supremacy. "Please. I can't lose you. Not again." And Clarke couldn't manage to refuse that request. She didn't want to lose Lexa any more than she did, and even though everything inside her screamed for her to flee, to move on, her heart won hands down.

And it would be right.

***

The days until Lexa's departure passed slowly, the messages she wrote to her only a weak comfort. Fear had her in its iron grip. What had she gotten herself into here? Clarke felt she should know better. She had read or seen so many books and movies about this very subject and they always had the same ending. She never thought she would be in the same position. How long could this situation go on? How long would Lexa's interest last when she was on her honeymoon with Costia and they didn't see each other? She didn't want to think about the brunette's fingers touching her wife and her squirming under the motion, maybe even screaming her name, because wasn't sex the main activity on a honeymoon? She doubted Lexa would say no, maybe she would even initiate it. With each thought, she grew more nauseous.

A few miles away, the brunette was packing her suitcase while Costia was excitedly pacing around her apartment, telling her about all the romantic getaways she was going to take. Lexa listened to her, answered and asked the right questions at the right moment. "I'm so excited. We're finally leaving tomorrow!"

The brunette gave her a smile and when her wife went to her, hugged her from behind and gave her a kiss on the neck, Lexa returned the gesture. Still, the last 2 weeks didn't let her go and her mind kept wandering. Blue eyes that bored into her soul, arms that held her, touches tender, like a breeze. But the thing that let her go the least was the kiss they had shared. She would never be able to describe that feeling even under duress, and inevitably she began to compare them. But none had ever filled her up like that, most likely the one 5 years ago, but even that one she had had with Clarke. How had she been able to forget that? Especially since the difference with those with Costia seemed so great. But could it really be? And something inside her forced her to turn around in the embrace to kiss her. She gave everything into that kiss and Costia did the same. Lexa wanted to experience the same feeling and forget everything around her.

***

Early Sunday afternoon, Clarke's cell phone vibrated and when she checked, she discovered a message from Lexa. She had written to her right after she landed. It was only a few lines, but they were enough to inspire her. Maybe she wasn't hoping for nothing after all.

They began writing to each other every day. They were innocuous messages about what they were doing, how they were doing or how their day was. If someone else read the WhatsApp, they wouldn't notice anything inappropriate, except that there were more kissing emojis each time. At least until that one day, towards the end of their honeymoon. It was only 3 words, but they changed everything: I miss you. And after a brief moment, they were followed by: I wish you were here.

Clarke's heart stopped. She couldn't believe what she was reading, and any retort didn't express in the least how she felt.

I wish I was. I miss you, too.

And then, finally, came the redeeming words that freed her from her sleepless nights.

When I get back, I'm going to talk to my wife. I can't go on like this, not being able to touch you and spending my days without you. I want to find out where it will take us. And I hope it's what you want, too.

There was no hesitation, no thinking, because that was exactly what Clarke wanted. It filled her with a longing she couldn't explain, and it invigorated her at the same time. Every word seemed too little, she hadn't heard her voice in far too long, hadn't experienced her facial expressions, hadn't felt any of her touch. How could she miss something she hadn't had for so long. But did love really make sense? Did she even need to be able to explain her feelings? Smiling, she shook her head at herself. Tomorrow everything would be different. Tomorrow, February 16th, Lexa would return and now it was the anticipation that kept her awake.

With a smile, Clarke got up the next day when her alarm clock rang and stared at her cell phone. It was 5am and yet she already had a message on the screen. It was a simple good morning that she immediately replied to. The blue tick occurred only a few seconds later and they wrote until the brunette had to turn off her Internet. Her words spoke of irrepressible joy to see each other again and to make up for all the lost time. But it would remain Lexa's last words, because nothing followed after that. No call, no message, no answer, and by now Clarke was to the point of waiting for smoke signals herself as her thoughts began to circle. What had happened? Had Lexa changed her mind and turned against her? Was that the reason why she didn't contact her anymore? Or had her wife found out about their kiss and destroyed her cell phone? Clarke knew this was probably the most far-fetched reason, but she needed to reassure herself after days with no sign of life. She spent many hours in her café, hoping to see the brunette again, but even that was to no avail. Clarke became desperate. Her soul cried out for a distraction when she already received no explanation. But sometimes ignorance could be a blessing, at least that's what she thought when she turned on the TV and saw the news reporting a plane crash with no survivors. But she was denying a truth she had long since realized. She continued to deny it as she picked up her cell phone, opened the last message Lexa had written to her, and compared the plane number and exact route with her own information.

But at a certain point, there was no way to deny it. No matter how hard she tried. The information matched, everything matched, and suddenly she would have liked to be ignorant again.

Her world shattered at the same moment as her heart.

Nervously, Lexa had boarded the plane that morning. She had made her choice, and as much as her heart ached at the thought of hurting Costia, she knew the decision had been the right one. She also knew that she would have to seek out the conversation promptly, before the daily grind caught up with her and especially before one kiss had become more than it already was. Costia deserved better.

Lexa was facing the ruins of her existence. Their future planned together was a thing of the past, but it didn't scare her. At least not of it. I wonder what her wife would think of her when she learned the truth? Would she hate her? Scream at her? Curse her? Or do far worse to her? Lexa knew whatever punishment she would receive would never be enough.

With a deep sigh, she dropped into her seat next to Costia. The latter noticed her wife's changed mood immediately, but remained silent and merely raised an eyebrow questioningly. She didn't get an answer, instead the seatbelt sign flashed and within minutes of the safety briefing they were taxiing away.

They were halfway through and in the middle of the ocean when the first turbulence began. The plane descended for the first time and the seatbelt signs flashed anew. The situation seemed to be under control and the flight crew relaxed. But this picture also changed increasingly from minute to minute. The staff tried one last time to calm the passengers before they sat down and fastened their seat belts themselves.

Costia clutched at her arm and Lexa did everything she could to block out her own fears and be there for her, but as the oxygen masks flew from their hiding place, her knees went weak and she tried to prepare herself for anything. She couldn't die today, she had plans and made a promise to Clarke. What would she think if she never heard from her again? No, today couldn't be the end, it just couldn't.

The people around her were panicking more and more. They screamed, some cried and no less saw her praying. It was the clinging to a hope that seemed lost.

She did not feel the impact. The lack of oxygen and the rapid fall towards the ground, had robbed her of consciousness. And it was only when she could no longer breathe that she awoke, taking a few seconds to understand why.

Lexa looked around, trying to make out something, but up was down and down was up, nothing but water around her. The brunette reached around in panic, searching for Clarke, until she realized she hadn't been on that plane with her and a wave of relief flooded through her. With the assurance of Clarke's safety, she tried both to swim upward and to find Costia, but her strength waned. The lungs lost more and more the last bit of oxygen they still had and filled with water until Lexa lost consciousness again. Her last thought was of Clarke and her unlived future. Her body sank as if it had lead on its feet and any rescue attempt would be too late.

Only a few weeks later Clarke died of a broken heart, it happened the same day they recovered Lexa's body.

"Everything in life has its price; even the things you imagine you get as a gift." - Theodor Fontane