Several Lifes

How can words express what can only be felt?
Ultimately, it remains with the emotions, because some sensations go far beyond anything known. They exceed our horizon and the possibility to process them, let alone to express them, many times over. The true core behind it is often understood only years later, too complex seems to understand the correctness that silence could sometimes be more expressive than any spoken word, which could not be surpassed in banality and cliché, although the hidden feelings behind it could not have been greater. But is it words or deeds whose added value needs to be proven? Or are it moments of solidarity that revealed the true greatness of the emotions?

1958

Time was racing. It was friend and foe at the same time. It felt infinite and finite at the same time. Too long whenever Clarke was with her husband, too short whenever she saw Lexa. Whose sensations had taken on the same proportions, but who struggled far more with this fact than the blonde. Nevertheless, they remained prisoners, both of social norms and of their own values. To consider something believed for so long as natural and given is a struggle in which it was unclear whether there was actually a winner in the end. The ups and downs that accompanied it, a symbol of all feelings, uncontrolled and wild, unruly when denied. Acceptance, a key that must first be found and whose search can create peace. Nevertheless, it remains a stony path that one must be willing to walk. But no goal, at least none of value, was ever easy to find and yet worth every effort.

The days and weeks had turned into months that ushered in a new year. Accompanied by the same longings they had in the old. Clarke tending her garden and Lexa watching her as if she had never seen anything more beautiful. In all the routine, there was one small but crucial difference, barely noticeable to others it meant the world to the two women, for Lexa no longer set the table in the garden just for herself. Instead, she and Clarke had taken to dining together whenever possible, which didn't seem out of the ordinary because of their husbands' friendship. At first they had taken turns cooking, but by now they were doing it together, which was a completely different way of getting to know each other. Closeness through distance, which in the end was none, because they laughed, joked, and as soon as they were within their own four walls, they briefly held each other's arms or squeezed each other's hands. In very rare and extremely brave moments, they would give each other a kiss on the cheek, both blushing and turning away embarrassed.
As soon as they were back in the garden, they made sure to keep a certain distance, because publicity offered a protection that their own walls could not provide. Invisibility through visibility. A secret was only one as long as it was treated as such. Nevertheless, the uncertainty remained, because it was still playing with fire. The danger of getting burned not only possible but a yet unfulfilled prophecy waiting for them in the dark. Any stolen moment could be the trigger of it, of which their husbands had no idea, instead they bragged about their faithful and obedient wives, who testified their love to each other with glances. None of this lasted, it was only a matter of time before the bubble they created imploded and took everything with it. There was no maybe, there was only a when? And this when started on one of the many weekends spent together. It had become a habit that while the men drank a beer in the garden and fired up the grill, Clarke and Lexa prepared the salads in the house. A clear division of tasks by given role models and fulfilled stereotypes.

Summer had replaced the already warm spring and showed itself in its warmest clothes. In the house itself it was pleasantly cool, even if the presence of the two women, and their feelings for each other, heated up the situation. Electrifying the air around them, which almost sparked.

Smiling, they looked at each other in turn, in the mistaken belief that the other would not notice. Yet neither spoke a word, instead working silently. Washed, cut, cleaned the vegetables as if nothing was wrong, even though there was so much unsaid between them. The panic of being caught, even if they did nothing forbidden, was omnipresent. Unchaste thoughts, so far from purity, the words of the Bible and therefore those of God, seemed enough to feel close to hell. Especially since they did not feel guilt, instead these feelings filled them and let them fly.

But after all this time, all these years and stolen moments, Clarke couldn't take it anymore. She wanted more than they were now. A freedom that was not chosen in their form was not one, and so she broke the silence. "Are we really going to go on like this?" Hastily, Lexa looked around but could not spot any of her husbands. She exhaled in relief, but grabbed Clarke by the arm and pulled her away from the door to a quieter corner. She just looked at the slightly shorter woman, fear had filled her. Clarke, however, was not deterred. "Are you really going to keep quiet? Pretend nothing is wrong?" But Lexa didn't answer anything, silently she just looked at her. Hands still linked, they both knew that a denial would have no meaning. They knew there was more, spoken or not. "I want nothing more than to finally be able to touch you properly, but every night I have to climb into bed with him. To have every one of his touches wash over me, even though every fiber of my body craves yours." Never had either of them even thought to broach this subject. It was dangerous and every word, could be one too many.

"Shut up," Lexa interrupted her in a whisper before Clarke could talk his head off, "if anyone hears you talking like that, you'll go to jail, or worse, you'll go to a re-education camp. You heard the rumors. I don't want you to be locked up or put through electroshock therapy or whatever other torture methods they use. I couldn't help you without ending up in the cell next to you." Lexa talked herself into a frenzy, using every means of communication at her disposal. Her voice became more determined and her hands had long since let go of her friend's to emphasize what she was saying. If it hadn't been too noticeable, she would have been walking around the room and Clarke understood her. Really understood her, and yet she couldn't help it.

"What do you want me to do? One friendship isn't enough and you know it. We tried, but we failed." Gently, as if she might get burned, Clarke again took Lexa's hand in hers, but she flinched from the sudden touch. "You will always be my home, and maybe we should throw away all concerns, all reasons that keep us apart. I know the risk and I accept it."

"How do you imagine that?" Anxiously she looked at her from big eyes and let Clarke's heart break loudly. She had no solution, only the certainty of not being able to continue as before, so she lowered her head for a moment. It was her attempt to collect herself a little, albeit with moderate success. "I don't know, but I wish I did. I don't have a solution and I doubt there is an easy way. Nothing in life is just given to you. I doubt there are coincidences, but I believe in fate." Clarke ran a hand through her hair, looking for some form of footing before continuing to speak. "There is no such thing as the perfect moment, it is as perfect as we make it. How many get the opportunity in their lives to complement each other, to become one with the soul that is meant for them? I want to be cursed when I stand idly by and watch my chance slip by without fighting for it, when I know full well that I want nothing more than to lie next to you and deny the truth until reality catches up with us. Until the day drives away the night, lightens it up and we are not only made of looks. We have to hide," the blonde points to the door, "or we exist only behind closed doors, if you can even call it that. I want more than to survive, I want to live. With you."

Once again, Lexa looked around before taking her hand from Clarke's and bringing it to her face. "You're right, about everything, but I'm scared. For you, us." Deep looked green in blue. "It doesn't change how I feel, but we have to consider the risk we're taking. I'm not sure I can," regret resonated in every syllable, the presumption or imagined certainty of not being strong enough and falling short in the end.

The blonde sighed and clenched her jaw tightly in despair. "The alternative is a marriage that will never fulfill us as it should. That will never be enough." Lexa sighed. She knew Clarke was right, but just feelings weren't enough. Maybe one day, but currently things were different. Therefore, the brunette did everything she could to convince herself and also the person she loved. No matter how far-fetched the idea might sound. "But we would have the opportunity to have children..."

"Children don't make everyday life easier, and they don't make up for a loveless marriage," was all the blonde replied. Sparkling eyes looked at Clarke before Lexa answered in a cutting voice. "My marriage to Roan is not loveless, don't compare us to Bellamy and you."

Clarke's heart sank to the depths of the earth's core at those words.

"You're right," heartbroken, the blonde turned and headed toward the kitchen.

"Clarke wait. I didn't mean what I said. I chose my words clumsily," Lexa almost pleaded, but the addressed one didn't manage to look her in the eye anymore. "I know exactly what you meant." Bitterness probably described the feelings of the addressed person the most.

Unseen by her counterpart, the brunette's eyes began to gleam. "I...please, don't let this come between us. I don't want to break up like this."

Clarke shook her head. "You made your choice and it's fine. I just can't pretend that deeper feelings don't exist between us, but I accept your decision and I won't bother you about it anymore." By now she was standing at the kitchen counter, her body facing away from Lexa, her arms braced, Clarke took a deep breath. Her soul felt as heavy as if all the weight in the world was on her chest. This was the end before it had ever had a chance to begin. Her worst nightmare had become reality and she had to learn to live with it.

Only with extreme effort did she manage to hold back her tears. Her eyes were still burning and her mouth felt dry when she felt a touch on her wrist. Her head was still lowered when she turned around. Gentle hands clasped her face, forcing her to look up to connect her eyes with blue ones. Lexa's thumbs gently stroked Clarke's cheeks, leaving her speechless. This green was deeper, more intense than anything before. Never before had she seen anything like it, and never had she expected the same sadness that had to be in hers. Her eyes darted to Lexa's lips, which trembled slightly. Pain, fear, and so much more was hidden in that touch. There could be nothing like it.

Neither of them spoke a word, attachment did not disappear through an argument caused by fear or disagreement. It was a feeling that went beyond everything. It was nothing tangible, nothing that could be described or touched. Much more it was the certainty that it was bigger than both of them and would outlast them even after they were dead. A cosmos within a world. Her world.

David Hume once said, "The beauty of things is in the soul of him who beholds them." Nothing could ever be truer. That touch, all those emotions, were a reflection of what they were all about. It wasn't phrases, it wasn't empty words, it was the moment that endured, outlived them all, yet never seemed to be enough. The kiss, their first ever, that now followed was the answer to a question never asked, the outcome of which was more feared than anything else. It had been the door that opened, the wall that now lay torn before them. Debris that could bring them down. Breathing heavily, they disengaged only seconds before the door was flung open and Nia, Lexa's mother-in-law, appeared in the doorway. Hastily, Lexa had pushed Clarke off of her, which, along with the heavy breathing, was an indication of what had just happened. The brunette had not been thinking; she had merely wanted to increase her distance at that moment. Wise eyes scrutinized them for another moment before the mother-in-law smiled broadly at them both as if nothing had happened. "Where are you, everyone is waiting." By everyone, she had to mean the other neighbors, so they had been absent longer than they had thought.

Clarke covered her discomfort by returning the smile and grabbing one of the bowls. "We were just finishing the salad."

"I can imagine," Nia's facial expression remained friendly, but her voice pitch sounded more knowing than it should.

Lexa, on the other hand, was still standing in the same spot, but awoke from her torpor when Clarke nudged her as unobtrusively as possible.

***

A few hours later, the commotion was over and the two women were cleaning up the mess left behind. When all the plates had been cleared and the grill cleaned, the two stood at the sink and while Clarke washed the plates, Lexa dried them. The men had left after the meal to go to a bar, and accordingly they were alone.

But neither Clarke nor Lexa seemed to have anything to say after today's conversation, and so they worked in silence. The only sound came from the water that occasionally gurgled and every time Clarke added some dishwashing liquid, foam formed. Both were so engrossed in their thoughts that they didn't notice how it grew. They didn't pay much attention to their surroundings, much more it was habit, a welcome change that still failed to distract them in the end.

Clarke thought about the kiss that had just taken place and hadn't changed anything about their injuries. Lexa, on the other hand, was trying to imagine a future and figure out who she saw by her side. Not very romantically, she weighed the pros and cons as Clarke's voice kept drifting through her mind. "The alternative would be a loveless marriage. Children don't make everyday life any easier. It will never be enough...never be enough.... be enough..." Part inside her screamed at her that Clarke was right, that it was worth the risk, that THEY were worth it. The other shook its head at her folly. "You would never have your peace, you would be hunted down and ostracized. Your desire for children never to be fulfilled. Is it really worth it? All the hardships, the fear of being discovered? How will you feed yourselves? Finance your lives? This world is not made for you. With Roan, on the other hand, all doors are open to you. He is successful, has a well-paid job, offers you security and a good life. You married him for love, what's that about Clarke on the other hand and what are all those people going to think of you, you, if you disappear overnight? They're not stupid and they'll think their piece." The plate in her hand fell to the floor and shattered into a thousand pieces. Startled, Clarke looked over at Lexa, but only saw her disappear around a corner. The blonde hurried after her and finally caught up with the fugitive in the windowless hallway. Questioningly, she just looked at her while holding her wrists.

Lexa breathed heavily and the words left her mouth at a speed she had never known. "I can't. I don't want to live a life of fear. With no real existence, I don't want to lose you, but I can't put everything on the line. Not when it involves our lives." Gently, Clarke kissed both hands first before kissing the knuckles and pulling her into a hug.

"We all make our decisions believing we're doing the right thing. Only what is the right thing? Is it what society has taught us? What great philosophers and scholars thought they knew about life? Or is it the hearts that beat in unison and find peace only when they feel each other's presence?" Clarke gave Lexa a kiss on the forehead before wordlessly going back to the kitchen, picking up the pieces and finishing the dishes.

Many more such conversations were to follow. Touches that were restrained, but definitely had their observer. Glances that became more and deeper, gestures so delicate that their meaning increased as a result. A second kiss should not take place, not more secrecy, no renewed kindling of a fire that they could never quench. But the day of decision was inexorably approaching, there was no escape.

***

Present

"What's next?" wanted to know Raven, quite seriously this time, while Octavia eyed the blonde closely.

 "What do you mean?" Clarke looked at her questioningly, still engrossed in Lexa's Instagram profile, always careful not to accidentally like anything that might make her uncomfortable the next day.

"Well with you and Lexa." Raven rolled her eyes, as if there had been no other way to understand her question.

"I... don't know, honestly. I mean, we haven't really known each other that long. And I only just got her number, too." The blonde shrugged her shoulders as Raven continued to probe relentlessly. "Have you texted her yet?

"Not much, just so she has mine too." Another shoulder shrug accompanied by an annoyed groan. "Are you serious? You meet someone so hot and you don't make advances? What's wrong with you?" Raven shook her head, incredulous at what she had just heard.

"Raven, calm down. You're being a huge pain in the ass right now. I'll let it all come to me." Clarke knew that was a lie, and Raven and Octavia knew it too. Was it really a lie then, even if everyone knew the truth?

"Has she answered you yet?" The Latina would probably never rest in this life.

"It wasn't much..." the blonde evaded and her friend smelled a fuse.

"Let's see it," prompting, she held out her hand to her, while the addressed reluctantly pressed the wanted message. Raven read it carefully and then showed it to Octavia, who nodded approvingly. "I wouldn't exactly call that not much. And what's the part about anyway: I'm glad that wasn't our bet, mean? What bet?"

Diabolically, Clarke began to grin. "It was about which one of us had the most annoying friends, but then since we found out that there are no winners in a bet like that, we let it go."

"Just for the record, that wasn't nice. More importantly, what were the alternatives?" Two pairs of curious eyes were on the blonde.

"There weren't any, any more than there was a bet. We were just joking around, that's about it really."

"Exactly, that's why she wrote, 'I look forward to beating you in one.' I'd already know my bet.... That's flirting at the highest level, and you? You haven't even responded yet." Disbelieving eyes looked at Clarke promptly.

"Around you two, I'm just very glad I didn't give one. I know you and your comments, I can do without." The blonde crossed her arms and Raven was about to retort something, but Octavia touched her briefly on the arm, which meant enough teasing for today, whereupon the Latina closed her mouth again.

Even after the end of class around 5 p.m., a short visit to Finn and the completion of all her homework, Clarke had not yet answered the brunette. Of course she wanted to know her cue, and of course she wanted to answer her. But every sentence she started sounded far too clumsy to her ears.

Just call her?

She didn't want to impose and she probably wouldn't get an answer, but if she didn't get back to her eventually, it would be just as counterproductive. It almost seemed like there was no way to handle the situation properly.

Clarke held her cell phone in her hand, turned it between two fingers, only to stare at the screen again seconds later.

Exasperated, she tossed it onto her bed, ruffled her hair and groaned loudly. "It can't be that hard!" she cursed, hissing. She relaxed her shoulders, letting her neck crack as well as her finger boils, before picking up her phone and reading Lexa's message again.

Wow Clarke, that was much faster than I had hoped, are you that fast at everything? ;)

I'm glad you asked me for my number and even more glad that wasn't our bet. Although of course I'm looking forward to beating you in one, because I'd already know my bet....

I am not so fast in everything, for some things I like to take my time;)

So what would your bet be? Clarke knew it wasn't the most original answer, but she didn't want to keep her waiting any longer. And she was really curious.

She didn't have to wait long, though. There were so many possibilities, but for now I would suggest a meeting without a bus. Too bad it seems to take a while to come up with an idea for a bet.

Did Clarke just get that right? Was Lexa actually indirectly asking her for a meeting?

Her heart began to race. Was this really possible or was she just imagining it? Restlessly, she paced up and down her room until her mother asked her to go to sleep. However, with the same result, only now lying down.

Hours later, sleep had finally caught up with her, but when the alarm clock rang in the morning, her first thought was back to yesterday's news and so the rapid heartbeat can return.

After a hasty breakfast, Clarke stood nervously at her stop. She kept looking around, glancing at her watch and then back at the road. Her hands began to sweat, her mouth went dry and she was on the verge of hyperventilating when the bus finally arrived. With shaky legs she got on and was met by a beaming Lexa. They held on like two drowning men to the last piece of driftwood before Clarke scratched the back of her neck in embarrassment and cleared her throat several times without a single word leaving her lips. Amused, Lexa watched the proceedings until at one point she took Clarke's hands in hers and looked at her with concern. "What's the matter, Clarke?"

"You up for some coffee after school?" blurted out the blonde, and Lexa began to grin broadly.

"That was on your mind?" The brunette's grin increased many times over when she saw Clarke nod hesitantly. She moved a little closer to the shorter one, noticeably decreasing the distance between them. "Of course I feel like having coffee with you. How could I not." The brunette winked at Clarke and the addressed blushed before Lexa looked down at the tips of her shoes for a moment, visibly embarrassed as she struggled for each word. "I... I wasn't sure if you would want too, that's why just the hint and...", Clarke rescued her from the visibly unfamiliar and extremely awkward situation with a wink. "How could I not."

This time the roles were reversed and the slightly taller Lexa blushed. Still, neither of them made more room for themselves, although they would have had the opportunity to do so. The tension that lay between them, a mixture of the unfamiliar and at the same time so tinglingly unfamiliar that both had to restrain themselves from carelessly taking a step too far. They both had lives outside of those brief moments they shared.

Their lives were at a crossroads and every decision they made now had far-reaching consequences for their future existence, their future and its shaping. One may not be aware of it and it may not seem clear until many years later, but it did not change their implications.

Shortly before Clarke had to drop out, the two awoke from their rigidity. They agreed on a time and place, and with that, Clarke's concentration was gone for the rest of the day. Instead, she incessantly tapped her foot, checked her watch every few seconds, and ended up not even being hungry when the bell rang for lunch. "Okay Clarke, you're starting to drive me crazy. Can you tell us what's going on?" Raven looked at her a little annoyed.

"I'm meeting her for coffee today," was all a completely overwhelmed Clarke could get out.

"That it's not your first cup of coffee in your life I know because you're sucking that stuff down by the gallon. So what is it then?" The Latina looked her up and down, curiously waiting for an answer.

"I don't know, I'm dating another woman for the first time and I have no idea what it is today. A date? Two buddies meeting each other? I mean, I just asked her for the number yesterday and really we haven't written...", the blonde stammered and lost her pace, whereupon Octavia took her hand in her own and sought eye contact. "Just calm down for now and try to breathe properly, okay?" the calmer of the three waited for a nod before continuing. "You're stressing yourself out for no reason right now. You don't even have to know what it is yet. Just let it come to you, like you said yesterday. I know it's not easy, but the most important thing is to find out how it feels for you, for you. Everything else will come with time." Octavia looked at her seriously and Clarke's heartbeat calmed down more and more.

"O' is right. Besides," Raven now interfered, "what does it matter? You've stressed yourself several times that you have Finn, and maybe she has someone too, who knows..."

Octavia shook her head. "What Rae is trying to say in her extremely charming way is that the most important thing in this is to figure out what YOU want. Do you want it to be a date or not?"

"No, absolutely not!" came out of Clarke's mouth far too quickly, and she faltered just as quickly, "well, maybe, I don't know."

***

November 15, 2149

When Lexa returned to her chambers, Titus was already waiting for her. "I had expected much more from you. I thought you would be smarter, instead you disappoint all my expectations I had for you." He shook his head. "Heda as a nurse to the sick, that I may experience such a thing again." Titus looked at her sternly. "I doubt your predecessors would have been pleased or even proud of this development. Who is she to occupy this position with you? How do you know her?"

Lexa paused in her movements. Promisingly and menacingly, she turned to her advisor. Her words were a hiss that resembled that of a snake. "You have me watched." It was not a question, not even a statement, more an auspicious prophecy regarding the consequences to come, depending on the outcome of this conversation. But Titus believed himself to be in the right, in the performance of his duties and his loyalty to the Commander.

"The risk was too great, so I did it myself. I've tolerated you visiting her every night, as well as your role in her recovery, but for you to interrupt an important meeting to hold hands is clearly going too far." The big man almost snorted.

"You CONSIDERED it?" A frown line formed on Lexa's forehead. "You forget your position." Her voice grew louder, more determined, and brooked no argument. "I have put up with your previous rebuttals because your intentions have always been of a good nature. You have always been my teacher and my closest advisor. But you seem to have forgotten who the commander is. I'm happy to remind you." Despite Titu's size, he suddenly seemed much smaller than Lexa, who had straightened up. "I decide, and if you suddenly have problems with those decisions, I can transfer your rank to someone else. Don't you ever dare speak your words to me in that manner again, or you will end up in a cell, do you understand." It was not a question, both were aware of that and Titus did not want to exceed his authority again. Therefore, he bowed and disappeared with a final, "Sha, Heda."

Lexa didn't know when she had last spoken to her mentor in this way, but he had clearly crossed a line and she couldn't tolerate that. He had no right to question her and she would not tolerate such audacity. The brunette noticed how her thoughts began to darken and so she sat down in the lotus position in front of her bed to guide her mind into calmer channels through meditation. She concentrated on her breathing, slowed her heartbeat and focused her senses. She surrendered completely and managed to reach a point of total relaxation. Which was probably due to the fact that no one was bothering her anymore that day, and Lexa was sure Titus had something to do with it.

A few hours later, the brunette stretched, dressed in something casual and made her way to Clarke's. Her heart began to race and the meditation she had just done seemed forgotten. Her hands shook and began to sweat as she opened the door to Nyko's cabin. Clarke sat on her bed and smiled when she saw Lexa. With wobbly legs she stood up and instantly Lexa rushed to her before she could fall over. "Thanks. I don't really have feeling in my legs yet." The blonde braced herself against the other's body, and Lexa felt every touch as if she were reaching straight into a fire.

"It's no big deal. What did Nyko say?" she masked her own uncertainty as the corners of her mouth tightened into a small smile.

"That I'm doing very well, considering the circumstances, and that I'm allowed to go on a short, escorted walk. Would you accompany me now that I have the official blessing?" Shyly, the blonde looked at her and Lexa's eyes began to shine a touch brighter before she nodded and offered her arm, which was immediately accepted. With slow steps, the blonde groped her way forward, not taking her eyes off her for a second. Only when Lexa was sure that Clarke was no longer in direct danger did she begin to relax.

Silently they walked side by side for a while until Clarke finally asked for a break. "I'm sorry, but the wound is starting to burn." Full of understanding, Lexa looked at the blonde before carefully leading her to a tree stump and helping her sit down.

"Is this okay?" the brunette surveyed her anxiously, and Clarke blushed under her intense gaze. Her body suddenly felt warm and her heart seemed to want to leap out of her chest.

"Thank you. For everything. I really appreciate it." A soft smile played around her lips.

"I...", Lexa feverishly thought of what words were appropriate, but everything seemed too trivial, insignificant, and not even close to her feelings. "You're welcome," she would have preferred to say that she was happy to do it or would do it again anytime, but nothing of the sort happened.

Clarke realized there was a lot unspoken behind those words, but left it unspoken and leaned back a bit. She looked up at the starry sky, not noticing the gaze that lingered on her. "I love watching the sky. Sometimes I wish I could do nothing else. It's... it's so..."

"Liberating," Lexa added, and Clarke grinned broadly at her before nodding. "You said it. There's almost nothing I've missed more." Questioningly, Lexa looked at her, but noticed her hesitation. What had Nyko said? Certain things took time, and the blonde was grateful to be given it.

As the wind picked up and Clarke began to shiver, Lexa gently put her jacket around her shoulders and rubbed her arms. "Is it better like this?"

The blonde laid into the motion a bit, hesitant, almost afraid, as if she had no right to enjoy such a thing. As if she had to earn any affection. Prove a worth she nevertheless never felt sufficient to. "Much better, thank you." Clarke moved a little closer, the gesture triggering an unknown form of wickedness in Lexa, who bravely put her arm around Clarke's waist. An infinity put into a second. The sky touching the earth infinitely gently, the moon and the sun bowing to each other, two souls whose hearts finally beat in unison again. Words that were never enough to reveal the value of feelings.