Several Lifes

At the beginning of every love story is the moment when the eyes meet for the first time. Like an intoxication, a drug, a feeling that every author has tried to describe and yet no one has managed to reproduce the full depth. No matter how close, no matter how convincing, the magic, the life-changing effect, remains forever a mystery of subjective perception. A mystery that can never be fully solved, let alone should be solved. It is precisely this uniqueness that makes it this rarity, this immeasurable greatness that it was to achieve.

It is said that true love can overcome everything, it can separate nothing. But what if the two lovers are separated again and again? Does this love eventually expire? But can true love really fade away? Or does it simply seek another way?

1955

In a time when there was no Stone Wall or Christopher Street Day and women officially belonged to men, there seemed almost nothing worse than loving the same sex. There was a male-dominant, patriarchal social order in which the perfect woman of the time had to keep the house clean and time the food so that it was on the table as soon as he got home from work. In addition, she had to dress up, which referred not only to the clothes, but also to refresh her make-up.

Of course, the woman should always be happy to see her husband and put her own worries and problems behind, because in the first place was always the male sex with its needs. When children came into play, a woman's tasks were limited to taking care of the house, the children and her husband. Own goals and dreams seemed to have no place or even justification.

On May 13, 1955, the Handbook for the Good Wife was published. In it, the German translation literally said: "He is the head of the household and as such he will always enforce his will with fairness and sincerity. You (the wife) have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place."

In this world, there was an order that could not be disturbed under any circumstance. But that's exactly what happened when the eyes of two women met on a cold night. Clarke was in a bar that was strictly forbidden, because the only businesses that let women in without a man were so-called gay bars. However, neither Clarke nor Lexa realized this at the time. The blonde had had an argument with her husband and had needed some distance after he had opened up to her that he wanted to start having children right away. The fact that she didn't feel ready, barely half a year after their wedding, had led him to call her a bad wife. Finally, it had become too much for her and she had left the house they shared in an upset but classy manner and without causing a fuss.

Lexa, on the other hand, was about to marry Roan, and her future mother-in-law, Nia, was not making it easy for her with her constant tips on the household and her insistence on having children soon. Even that one thing was too much for Lexa. Everything together triggered a panic in her and when he had then opened to her that he had bought them a house in a good neighborhood, which was right next to the school, she had left in silence. She could always mend fences later.

She had been sitting for only a few minutes when she noticed movement next to her. The last free bar stool was now occupied, too, with a blonde woman about her age. Lexa ordered herself another drink, turned around and looked at the colorful crowd. Only now did she realize where she had landed. For a moment she felt uncomfortable, even out of place, until it happened. Her gaze met that of the blonde whose blue eyes captivated her and before anything could happen she knew they would never have a chance, no future and that it would be wrong.

In one go, Lexa finished her drink, slammed it on the counter and paid before hastily leaving the bar.

Clarke looked after her. Confused and hopelessly overwhelmed. What had just happened? Who was the brunette and why had she disappeared so quickly?

She sat for a moment longer, trying to process what had just happened, with little success, but she doubted that would change, even if she sat here for days.

Carefully she crept out, taking advantage of the darkness, every sheltered corner, until she arrived home, not noticing in her haste that the FOR SALE sign was no longer in the garden of the neighboring house. She crept through the house on silent soles, using as few light sources as possible to avoid causing an accident or making noise. Her husband Bellamy was sound asleep. He seemed to have no worries as she almost passed in hers. The expectations on her and her role were enormous, taking on proportions she could not handle. At least not alone.

Clarke had put on her nightgown and lay down in bed, careful to keep some distance between them. She fell asleep thinking that tomorrow was another day and maybe they could talk to each other in peace about yesterday's argument.

In fact, the next morning Clarke was able to convince him to wait a few more months until they had settled into the new house together and they had cleared the nursery of the remaining boxes. It certainly wasn't an eternity, but it bought her some much-needed time. Or at least a fraction of the time she needed.

***

Present

The bus was fuller than full, as it is every morning. People pushed past them, pressed tightly together, either to get off or to get the last available seat. Neither Clarke nor Lexa ever understood why one crowded bus wasn't made into two well-filled ones. At any rate, it wasn't because of the ecological footprint, otherwise they would be electric- or solar-powered.

Clarke and Lexa rode the same bus route every day without ever paying attention to each other. It had always been fleeting encounters, hasty glances that slid over all the passengers without really noticing the other. Which was perhaps due to the fact that at Clarke's side, as every morning, was her high school boyfriend Finn. They had been together for 3 years and were considered the dream couple par excellence, one heart and one soul. But now that college was approaching, their insecurities were growing. Even across thousands of miles, did they stand a chance? Clarke strongly doubted it, but she didn't dare talk to Finn about it; she knew what he would think. He was a hopeless romantic, but imagined their future much easier than it would end up being, of that she was convinced. With those thoughts, Clarke boarded the bus, alone for once, as Finn was home in bed with a nasty flu. With the headphones in her ears, she let her eyes wander to find a place where she could keep the ability to breathe. She would be out for at least 30min, so she pulled out her phone and scrolled through social media. Like every day, there was nothing special, but it distracted her.

The bus rocked back and forth slightly, stopping, letting in new passengers and forcing Clarke to swerve to the side. A man wasn't paying attention to his path, knew no mercy, and shoved Clarke so hard in her side that she crashed backward, dragging someone with her. She hit her head on a pole and landed in someone else's lap. Groaning, she straightened up and rubbed the bump that was inevitably coming. Clarke opened her eyes and looked into concerned green ones that looked at her questioningly.

It wasn't love at first sight, no flash of lightning or butterflies beginning to flap their wings, it was a hesitant smile and a flash in her eyes. "Are you okay?" asked a velvety voice. "Yeah, I think so. That guy up ahead bumped into me so hard I lost my balance." Clarke glared at the man in question, but he didn't care. "I'm sorry I dragged you along." Apologizing, she smiled at the brunette, who laughed and bared her white teeth. "It's okay, you couldn't help it." She pointed with her hands to the crowded bus. "How could you have avoided it, please?" The stranger straightened up as soon as Clarke was out of her lock and helped her stand. "I'm Lexa, by the way, but most people call me Lexa."

"Clarke, but most people call me Clarke," a shy smile that almost resembled a grin before the moment was over and they both turned back to themselves. Just one stop later, the blonde got off the bus and waved at Lexa, which she returned with a smirk.

It would be the first encounter of many.

***

October 21, 2149

The brunette stood on the balcony of her home, a very tall tower that had always been reserved for the commander, and looked out over her realm from it. Her silhouette shone in the rising sun, accentuating her slender features. She was only 19 years old and on her shoulders weighed all the problems of this world. At least the one that still existed. After a nuclear catastrophe more than a hundred years ago, almost everything had been contaminated. Only a few had survived and built a new life, with new rules, new language and a completely new culture. And she was a part of it, an important one even, after all she ruled 12 clans. Even if not everything went smoothly and the Azgedas resisted her coalition, it was still a success.

Eventually, the problem with their queen, Nia, would be solved. Either diplomatically or by bloody means. Jus drein, Jus daun. That was their motto. Blood demands blood, there was no room for weakness of any kind. Compassion was just as affected as deeper feelings for a person. Love had no place in her life, not if she wanted to fulfill her duties without favoring anyone. This was what her teacher Titus had preached to her over and over again, and he was right. But it also made her lonely, and so she spent what little free time she had educating herself, meditating, or working out plans. They involved negotiations with the clans in order to keep the peace and to be able to rule in harmony, but also the elaboration of strategies for a possible war. Each day presented her with new challenges that she had to face courageously and without fear. Alone. Even if she had advisors, it was ultimately up to her to decide, because no one would ever dare question her decision or even really contradict her. A deep sigh escaped her and she noticed how her shoulders ached, she needed a break, but there was no such thing in her life. "Heda, we need you." She heard the deep voice of her mentor who had entered her bedroom with heavy steps.

"I'm coming teacher." And with these words she hurried away.

She followed him to the throne room where he began to speak without hesitation. "The Azgedas have attacked a village and reduced it to rubble."

Lexa rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to drive away the headache that was coming on. "Were there any casualties?"

"All dead except for one. Bring her in." He pointed to the large double doors that were being pushed open at that moment. One of the guards carried in in his arms a young woman with blond hair, whose clothes, and therefore her body, were covered with blood.

"Has the healer examined her yet?" Titus shook his head. "Then bring Nyko here. Now!" The guard carefully placed the woman on a makeshift bed, bowed, and left. "Why bring her to me first instead of directly to our healer?" Reproachfully, she looked at him. It was irresponsible to gamble with another person's life. She didn't care about the motives behind it.

"I wanted you to see the massacre with your own eyes and finally act." Clasping his hands behind his back, Titus looked at them seriously.

"For this you risk an innocent life?" Lexa sounded judgmental, even if her facial expressions didn't indicate it, it was boiling inside her.

"Before she lost consciousness, she said something like Azgeda. I wanted her to tell you herself, you won't listen to me," he defended his actions.

"I don't just start a war. You know their force and there would be many deaths! There must be another way, one without bloodshed." She almost stared down the tall, bald man, but he would not give up yet. "But Heda...!" he therefore tried to make her see reason.

"No! We don't have any proof yet, and thanks to you, we may never have it! I won't convene the council if I don't have proof. The doubts about the coalition are big enough. I have not forgotten what you taught me, and I certainly consider bloodshed, but not as the only course of action!" Knowing that this ended the conversation, Titus bowed and left the room.

"Where's Nyko?!" she shouted to one of the guards, as the door opened as well.

"Sorry Heda, I hurried as best I could, but I had another patient." She nodded to him and he quickly stepped closer. With practiced hands he opened the shirt clinging to his body, asked for warm water and a sponge, and began to examine the still stranger as best he could. He felt the eyes of Heda on him who watched curiously. "I don't want to offend you, but I will have to examine her body completely and I want to preserve my patient's privacy."

"Of course, I will withdraw. Forgive my curiosity." Which she couldn't explain to herself, but since he'd brushed her hair out of her face, she couldn't take her eyes off her. She had never seen it before in her life and yet it captivated her. How was that possible?

Lexa thoughtfully left the room and went to her chambers. The headache had disappeared as if it had never been there.

Time passed slowly, agonizingly, and yet it could not have been an hour before there was a knock at her door. "Come in."

With a bow, Nyko entered. "Heda, the examination is complete." Immediately the healer had her complete attention. "She has several cuts scattered over her body and a deeper one running across her abdomen. I have cleaned and bandaged them all thoroughly. She hasn't woken up yet, which is probably due to the wound on her head. I suspect she received a strong blow. The attackers probably thought she was dead and that saved her life."

"Thank you, Nyko. Where do we go from here?" Lexa cringed, did she actually sound worried? About a complete stranger?

"I'd like to take her into my cabin to monitor her better and respond to any complications." Lexa hesitated, which of course did not escape the healer's notice. "You can always come by and check on her. I can also send you someone to give you regular updates on her recovery."

This time she nodded. "You're right. As long as her condition is critical and she hasn't woken up, she's better off with you. I'll send one of the guards with you to help transport her."

Another bow and a sha heda followed before he disappeared.

She instructed her guards to accompany him and went into a meeting afterwards.

The hours ticked by and the longer she listened to the other members, including some of her generals, the more impatient she became until finally, in the early evening hours, she postponed everything else until tomorrow. When she left the have tower she did not look like a commander, her usual outfit she had exchanged for something lighter. The pants and blouse she wore could not be described as casual wear, but was nowhere near as awe-inspiring as her other uniforms that distinguished her as a leader.

She walked past the marketplace, which seemed almost deserted except for the few stalls that were being dismantled. On the path in front of her there was some straw lying around and some cats and dogs were coming towards her. The fewest animals were fenced, except for the farm animals could all move freely. She stroked here and there a few heads that were stretched towards her and cuddled some ears. A small smile adorned her face, but it disappeared as soon as she stood in front of the healer's hut. Quietly she entered and dim light welcomed her, coming from some candles and the few windows that surrounded it. Nevertheless, she noticed some beds where men and women of all ages were lying, even a child had found its way here.

Lexa didn't want to call Nyko to wake anyone up, so she searched for blond long hair until she finally found it. She pulled up one of the stools against the wall and sat down next to the one she was looking for. Hesitantly she took her hand in hers and simply looked at her. Immersed in this sight, she did not notice the slight twitching of the still sleeping body that was about to awaken. Only when the blonde opened her eyes and looked back blue, more beautiful than any ocean or the sky on its clearest days, did she seem to notice. Never before had her heart skipped a beat, never before had everything around her disappeared and enveloped her in a bubble that made her forget everything that was happening around her, and so she didn't notice Nyko, who by now had registered his visitor and was watching the two of them with a wide smile on his face.