Untrue

Tony finds Bucky on the roof looking more haunted than usual. “Hey,” he says, setting a cup of tea down in front of him. “You don’t look so good,” he adds, noting that Bucky looks a lot more pale than normal.

Bucky hazards a glance over to him and the dark circles under his eyes do little to convince Tony that he’s okay. He’s shaking a little too, even if its clear he’s got some control over it. Tony recognizes the signs and reaches out, settling a hand on Bucky’s. “Look, panic attacks suck and none of the usual advice worked all that well for me so I don’t really know how to help here except to tell you distractions are helpful. Things that require attention and focus. Peter’s video games ended up being what I used to distract myself. Thought engineering might work but that comes naturally, the math, building, the way things all come together. Didn’t use enough brainpower. I suck at video games; trying not to die consistently in the game actually required me to focus on what I was doing so um. Find whatever that is for you, it’ll help.”

Bucky lets out a shaky breath and sighs. “You help. Keep talking,” he says like that didn’t make every word Tony has ever known vacate from his head.

Fuck sakes, how the hell- Peter. Good topic, kind of on topic considering his previous rant. “Did I ever tell you how I ended up with Peter?” he asks and Bucky frowns.

“Aren’t you his father?” he asks like that’s relevant.

Tony nods, “yeah, but his mother thought I was an irresponsible fuckhead and she was right. She ended up with this guy, Richard, shortly after we had slept together. Nice guy, top of his field. Brilliant and apparently fine with raising another guy’s kid. Would have been a great father but the poor bastard was killed in a nasty car accident. Mary too. By some miracle Peter lived. Poor kid, six months old and already parentless. Anyway, guess Mary told her sister in law about who the actual father was because May ended up on my doorstep.”

“Why didn’t Peter end up with her?” Bucky asks.

Peter probably would have been better off with May too, if he continued the way he had been at the time. “She was a minor at the time, seventeen, so she couldn’t take him. Which left me. Pepper thought she was nuts but the kid was six months old and I hadn’t heard of him before that, the person who came to me was a minor, and I happened to know Mary well. No one in her life seemed like the type to pull something like that for money. Even if that wasn’t true waiting six months seems a little weird. May didn’t ask for money anyway, she just wanted me to take Peter so he didn’t end up in the system. Pepper wanted a DNA test but I already knew what it would say. Sometimes you just know but I let her do her thing anyway. And I went to rehab.” Didn’t end up being successful, not permanently anyway. But for a time he got his shit together.

“Rehab?” Bucky asks and Tony nods.

“I have a long history of addiction. Started drinking young, kind of helped block everything out. Eventually that wasn’t enough anymore so I got into drugs too, hard drugs. That shit will straight up make you forget entire days at a time, weeks even but that’s what I wanted. I’m sure you know I lost my parents in a car crash too. When Peter showed up, orphaned the same way I was… I’m not entirely sure I would have cared if he wasn’t technically my kid. He needed a home.” Not that anyone in his life was fond of that idea at first. May, even at her age, correctly thought he was too irresponsible but thought he was the lesser of two evils and Pepper probably thought the same even if she covered it under ‘are you sure that kid is yours?’ Rhodey never said anything explicitly but Tony knows him well enough that he never needed to sayanything for Tony to know what he thought. His disapproving looks were more than enough.

“Steve said you went to rehab not that long ago,” Bucky says and Tony nods again.

“After New York I started drinking again. Couldn’t handle the memories, its like they wouldn’t get out of my head and I just… I just wanted some fucking peace once and awhile. Needless to say my stupid and erratic behavior didn’t really end well for me,” he murmurs. Or anyone else. Peter had been the one to bring up PTSD but he hadn’t known about the drinking at that point, he’d just found Tony having a panic attack or ten in various places he thought he was well hidden in. Turns out half his generation is so traumatized by the world they live in they regularly get panic attacks too so he happened to know more about them than anyone else. Tony doesn’t think its fair that explaining all that shit had been put on him but like always Peter handled it all with grace.

Bucky leans into him a little. “I can relate. I swear every time I think things are going well something happens to make it all come back. I smell something, or see something, or I have a dream, or something else. I just want to live a normal life,” he murmurs.

Tony squeezes his thigh. “Sorry to tell you this but that’ll never happen. The key isn’t to make it go away, it’s to learn to live with it. Minimize it until it doesn’t bother you as much. I know that sounds impossible and trust me when I first went to therapy it seemed like it. Apparently I still have high levels of anxiety and tendency to catastrophize things but it doesn’t feel like it’s suffocating me anymore.” He knows how to get himself out of panic attacks at least, so he doesn’t need Peter to try and do it for him when no kid should ever have to deal with that. And he knows a lot of his fears, while rational in some ways, aren’t rational in a lot of others. Which he already knew, but he can at least remind himself of that without immediately dismissing his own thoughts now. This level of peace was hard fucking won but he’s managed.

“Maybe I should go to therapy,” Bucky murmurs and Tony snorts.

“Given your history you should live in a psych ward,” he says, earning a suspicious look from Bucky that has Tony confused until he remembers how people used to treat the mentally ill in Bucky’s time.

“We stopped locking people up forever and letting them sit in their own shit for ages,” he says. “Now psych wards are mostly okay. Flawed certainly, but sanitary at least.”

He doesn’t expect Bucky to laugh a little but he does. “Well that’s… good,” he says, shaking his head. “Got any other distractions up your sleeve?” he asks.

He doesn’t, not exactly. “I uh… I mean maybe video games work for you too?” he asks more than states.

*

Bucky can see why video games had been useful in helping Tony stay focused on anything but his panic because this damn game is hardand how do people even stay on this stupid track half the time and Tony keeps throwing banana peelsand turtlesat him of all things. When he’s hit by some weird blue turtle shell thing Tony cackles because he’s an asshole who apparently has a desire to see him suffer.

“Did you just blue shellhim? Dick move, dad,” Peter says, walking over to them and sitting beside Tony on the floor. He moves with an amount of grace Bucky hadn’t initially found all that weird until he saw the way he used to move around a year ago. He hadn’t paid much attention to the kid when he’d first been brought in, but once he got used to being here he noticed that Peter moves similarly to Steve even if he’s obviously picked up a few mannerisms from Tony. He might not find that so odd if, a year ago according to the old news footage, Peter moved totally differently and he’s pretty sure testosterone doesn’t result in Peter’s overhauled level of grace. And he’s also pretty sure his transition started more than a year ago so that wouldn’t explain it anyway.

So far though he has no clue why Peter seems to have developed a new gracefulness and Tony’s offended look distracts him. Its so stupid, Bucky thinks, that Tony’s simple expressions even have the ability to distract him the way they do. He’s beautiful sure, but Bucky isn’t exactly new to beauty even if he’s not really seen the kind Tony has. Still, regardless of how pretty his dark eyes are, especially framed with those thick lashes of his- and since whenare eyelashes attractive- he should have enough of a damn grip on himself not to stare so much. Yes, his expressive features are a joy to watch, and Bucky has wanted to see if Tony’s hair is as soft as it looks almost since the moment they met but he’s a grown man. He’s anoldman; he should have a grip on himself.

“Bucky,” Tony says and he blinks, cheeks turning a little red when he realizes that that’s definitely not the first time Tony has said his name. Tony smiles though, shaking his head a little. “Want another tea?” he asks and Bucky shrugs.

“Sure,” he says, watching as Peter scampers off into the kitchen but its Steve he notices as Peter walks by. Bucky probably should have noticed him before given that he’s not exactly small but frankly Tony is nicer to look at. Steve is looking at him like he knows this too, that Bucky is more interested in Tony than he should be. He’d be worried about it if Steve had any real proof of his stupid crush but he doesn’t and Bucky wouldn’t act on it anyway. Maybe he and Steve don’t connect the way they used to but that’s no excuse to sleep with his husband.

Tony looks between him and Steve, clearly trying to work out the wordless communication there for a half a second before he abandons his efforts. “Ten bucks says I can beat you again,” Tony says, grinning at him.

Bucky rolls his eyes and gives Tony’s shoulder a shove. “You only won because I don’t know how to play all that well,” he tells him.

Tony raises an eyebrow, clearly not in agreement with Bucky’s assessment. “Absolutely not. Rematch, and I will win because I’m superior at Mario.”

“Its true, its because he’s Italian,” Peter says from the kitchen.

“Kid, you say that like you aren’t also Italian. Hurry up with the coffee,” Tony tells him. Steve doesn’t say anything, he just watches with something like confusion on his face as Tony and Peter start bickering back and forth. Bucky thinks he’s looking for something but what that is is anyone’s guess.

*

Steve shakes his head and Sam really is kicking himself for his thing for dumb white guys. Its like he puts some kind of energy out into the world and they flock to him, but dumber every time. Riley was stupid, but sometimes he had a shred of common sense and emotional awareness but Steve Rogers is Lost Boy Extraordinaire and Sam, god help him, actually likes sorting his issues out. He’s good at fixing other people’s problems and it’s a good distraction from his own. He likes that the feeling of making other people feel better for a little while.

“I wasn’t jealous because of Tony, I was jealous because of Bucky,” Steve says and Sam raises an eyebrow because plot twist, okay. “I… just wanted my best friend back and now he’s here and we just don’t click the way we used to and for some reason he seems to like Tony better than me. The way him, Peter, and Tony act its more like they’rethe family than we are,” he says.

Well shit, that’s interesting. Sam’s kind of half hoping Steve will invite him back to the Tower at some point just because this seems like an interesting form of entertainment, watching the happenings of random Avengers. “You do realize that you and Bucky have gone through huge amounts of trauma and life experiences that turned you both into vastly different people than you used to be, right? Not clicking the way you used to isn’t a slight against you, that’s just how people work. You’re going to need to work at your relationship with him as the guy he turned into rather than expecting the guy he was. You aren’t the guy you were either,” Sam reminds him.

“People grow together,” Steve mumbles and he’s not wrong but he’s not right either.

“Operative word being ‘together’ here. You two went through stuff separately- you didn’t adjust to who you were as you were changing, you got tossed together after you went through a bunch of shit. Its natural that you don’t get along like you used to,” he says. “Liking Tony in any capacity is probably just a coincidence,” he adds.

Steve doesn’t seem to believe his words but that’s because Steve is a certified dumbass. Sam knows he’s right and he’ll convince Steve of it at some point, whenever he’s ready to accept that Sam’s not trying to bullshit him. “You didn’t see them together,” he says, looking away for a moment.

“What about that bothers you, exactly? Because from what I understand you have a good relationship with Peter even if you’re on shakier ground with Bucky and Tony.” At least one of these relationships is secure so Sam’s wondering why, or if, that one in particular seems to have stung Steve some.

He sighs. “Because he actually looked happy. He doesn’t look like that when it’s me and Tony around,” he says and Sam snorts.

“Yeah, hot take- that’s because you hate each other and he knows it. Obviously he’s going to be uncomfortable around that,” Sam tells him. “That’s not anything against you, that’s just normal teenager wanting to avoid parental conflict and finding more joy in a situation where there is none.”

He lets Steve work through that, process it a little because he’s pretty sure Steve still feels some kind of something that he’s not letting on. Whatever it is it’ll come on its own time and when Steve lets out a soft sigh he figures maybe he’s ready to let it out. “Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside of their relationship. Peter and Tony’s. Peter and I have never really been close.”

“And for some reason- and I say that purposefully because oneincident isn’t you being replaced by Bucky- that has left what you view as too weak a relationship being threatened?” Sam states more than asks. Steve doesn’t look impressed so he knows he guessed right. “Okay. Well first of all, I doubt Bucky is replacing you and I’m curious here, are you actually threatened by Bucky being closer to Peter and Tony than you are or are you jealous that other people are bonding better with Bucky than you are?” He gets another dirty look so Sam knows which option it is. “Steve, its normal to grow apart when you experience traumatic events and both you and Bucky have dealt with a lot of that. It takes time to rebuild. As for Bucky’s interest in Peter and Tony, well, they don’t have a history with him and trust me; sometimes a blank slate is easier.”

It’s why he talks to Steve over his old army buddies. He loves them all, but they’re a hard reminder of losing Riley and its difficult to relive that every time he’s around them. It must be harder for Bucky, Sam would imagine, because he didn’t just lose one person he lost everything. Literally everything. Even Steve lost less than Bucky given that he got the benefit of keeping his identity, sanity, and all his body parts. There isn’t a piece of Bucky that something hasn’t been stolen from and if Bucky’s anything like Sam Steve isn’t really someone he’d want to spend time with. Granted, that’s all speculative at best and maybe Bucky’s got a bunch of other reasons he’s not as close to Steve as he was. Or hell, Steve could be inventing this entire rift in their relationship out of insecurity over losing him again, its not like he’d have no reason to worry about that all things considered.

“How is it that Tony somehow manages to take the one thing I thought he couldn’t?” Steve mumbles and Sam sighs.

“Key word in that sentence was ‘thing’ Steve. Bucky’s a person, not an object, and you aren’t entitled to a relationship with him. I’ve told you this a million damn times but if you use those nifty little communication skills you seem to have no problem exercising to me then maybe you’d solve some of these problems,” Sam points out. “Just sayin.”

Steve gives him a grumpy look and Sam rolls his eyes at him. “Its easier to talk to you,” he says and yeah, Sam knows. He’s in therapy mode.

“That’s because I’m making a conscious effort to be non judgmental. Therapy technique,” he tells him. Sometimes it’s difficult to do, especially with people he doesn’t like, but it’s a necessary part of the job and not one he gets a choice in.

“And if you weren’t?” Steve asks and he’s going to regret that.

Sam sighs. “You need to get your damn shit together okay. You mope your ninety year old and admittedly well-shaped ass around here complaining about your problems and then you refuse to do anything about them. You want things to change but the best you do is whine at me about perfectly solvable issues. You’ve been on this planet for almost a hundred years, god damn act like it and grow up,” Sam tells him.

He doesn’t expect the level of satisfaction that he gets from that but its there and it’s strong. He likes Steve, and he’s got a ton of issues, but damn if Sam’s not tired of hearing the same things over and over again when he refuses to change anything.

“You think I have a well shaped ass?” Steve asks, smiling.

“Is that really what you got out of that?” Sam asks, deadpan. He gets a small shrug and smile and Sam rolls his eyes. He needs new dumb white boy friends; this one might be too dumb for him. “I will slap your pasty ass,” he tells Steve.

Steve snorts and starts laughing, “sounds more like a good time then a threat,” Steve tells him and Sam shakes his head.

“Oh hell no,” he mumbles, picking himself up and moving to walk away but Steve grabs his hand before he manages to walk off.

“It was joke,” Steve says and no it damn well wasn’t but Sam decides not to call him on that. He has a whole host of other more important things to call him on so he figures he’ll start there.

“Get your shit together, Steve, and go sort your problems out like a proper grown man,” Sam tells him, extracting his hand and walking off hoping that maybe Steve will actually do something this time.

*

Tony’s laying in bed fucking around with a design instead of sleeping when his door creaks open a bit. He half expects Peter before he remembers that he’s a teenager now, he doesn’t really get nightmares that require him to climb into bed anymore. It inspires a weird pang of sadness that he supposes is normal when parents watch their kids grow up but he ignores it. It’s a good thing that Peter doesn’t get nightmares anymore.

“Hey,” Bucky murmurs, “um. Can I sleep in here?” he asks.

Wow, okay, bold question. Or bold considering Steve only sleeps a couple doors down though Tony supposes he doesn’t entirely care. Its not like Steve checks on him in the morning. He extends his arm out to Bucky, a silent invitation to come to bed and Bucky does, carefully closing the door and scrambling over to him quickly. Its not until he’s settled into Tony’s side that he realizes that Bucky is shaking a little and breathing strange. Panic attack. “You’re not having a very good day today,” he murmurs and Bucky shifts, lifting his head to frown at him.

“What do you mean?”

“That’s the second panic attack today. You might want to see someone about that.” He wouldn’t push him into it, but Bucky really should have gotten therapy a long time ago. Though if Tony were him he wouldn’t want anything to do with doctors for the rest of forever so if he took no interest well, understandable. Bucky makes a noise of agreement and Tony knows immediately something is off. “What, you don’t remember?” he asks. Weird thing to forget but that’s not really the reaction of someone who knows what he’s referencing.

“My brain got fried by HYDRA for seventy years, I forget a lot of things,” Bucky mumbles but Tony knows that’s not true, not exactly. Bucky seems to remember things just fine in most other situations so he knows there’s more to it, but he decides not to press it. Not now anyway.

Instead he focuses on running his hand up and down Bucky’s arm in some kind of comfort. “Want to know what I’m working on?” he asks, figuring the distraction will be welcome. He’s right because Bucky nods. “Fair warning, this is about to get technical,” Tony tells him before he launches into his new designs for Natasha’s suit and why he’s altered the things he has. There’s a lot of tech mess but Bucky seems to have a decent enough grasp of the jargon given that he participates in the conversation fairly well even if its mostly combat related questions and suggestions. He notes a few useful things anyway so Tony makes note.