Chapter 6
Steve was… a lot to take in.
His size alone was a mix between intimidating and mouthwateringly distracting (good Lord, now there was two perfect specimens of the human species he had to act normal around), and his voice. God, that deep timbre affected him almost as much as James’.
Easy, he told himself. Easy.
Instead of allowing his eyes to travel down the man’s form, he shot him a charming smile, offering him a cheeky quip.“I must confess, you are not what I was expecting when James told me you were his Captain in the Navy.”
Steve shrugged.
Ah. A man of few words. Well… Tony didn’t exactly mind the whole mysteriousness of it. He tried again, running a hand through his hair. “James speaks very highly of you, Captain.”
He saw Steve shoot James a soft smile, eyes fond and warm; a complete contrast to their coldness when they looked at Tony. “Buck’s too kind.”
“Buck?” he asked inquiringly. James was, afterall, their common ground.
Steve shifted, shrugging. “‘It is what I have called him for as long as I have known him.” A glimmer of something passed across his face, but it was gone almost as soon as it appeared. “And, please, it is no longer ‘Captain’.” At Tony’s confusion, he elaborated. “I am no longer a Captain in His Majesty’s Navy.” He said it casually enough, but there was an undercurrent of sadness to his tone that belied his cavalierness.
James, it seemed, detected the same sadness, or perhaps he was just shocked, if his ‘Steve?’ was anything to go by. “What do you mean by that?”
Steve’s head dropped as he stared at his hands, interlacing and separating them repeatedly in a nervous gesture that made him seem so young that Tony found himself feeling sympathetic despite himself. Sympathetic! Him! To the man that would steal his James from him! (That was unfair, he knew that. If James left him, if he realised how much better than Tony he could do, then it would be nobody’s fault other than Tony’s himself). “A Naval Captain couldn’t very well spend four months of the twelve searching for a friend, now, could he?” There was a twist to his mouth, sad and self-depreciating, as if it were his fault.
“Well, that seems mighty sad,” Tony interrupted. “I am sorry.”
Steve nodded once in thanks, eyes still on his hands. James moved behind him to place a hand on his shoulder. “Stevie, I’m so sorry.”
Steve shook his head, adamant. “No. Buck, don’t. It is not your fault, it’s no one’s. Simply what must be.” He turned, looking James in the eyes, as he took his hand in his own. “I would much rather have you than any ship.”
James didn’t seem convinced, but let it lie, instead turning to Tony. “Your mind remains the same?” He asked, eyes turning nervous.
Tony nodded grudgingly. He had agreed to this, but seeing Rogers in the flesh made it all so real; it was difficult to feel adequate and as confident as he liked to appear in the face of his sizeable person. “Aye. My offer remains, and my blessing given.”
Steve’s face morphed into something purely quizzical. “Do you refer to Bucky’s offer for me to join you on board your vessel?”
Tony nodded. “Indeed.” Trepidation weighed heavy within him, but he continued. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself. This was a conversation that was needed to be had; he could live with the consequences. “As well as the offer to court James.” The words sounded stiff and wooden, even to him. They crawled up his throat, thick and sludgy, even when a sizeable part of him wanted nothing more than to shove them back down.
Steve’s eyes widened, meeting James’. “You were truthful.” He sounded shocked, overjoyed. Like he couldn’t believe that he could finally have the man of his dreams.
James nodded, smiling. “Of course. Steve, I love you. I would never lie to you about that,” he swore. “I love you so much, and I would love nothing more than to be with you.”
Steve hesitated as James took his free hand, so that he was holding both of Steve’s. “And Tony? What about him? You said that you love him.”
James nodded. “I did. I do, but...” His tongue, pink and wet, darted out to wet his lips in a display of anxiety that Tony couldn’t help but track with his eyes, even as he felt like his whole world was crumbling around him. This was it. This is when James would decide he wanted Steve, only Steve. When Steve would agree, because who would want to share their partner? Their better half? Certainly not a man as good as Steven Rogers, who went to Hell and back for James. Their love was something that Tony would never be able to compete with. “I love you both.” That hurt. He knew James loved him, it had never been said, but he had known. He loved him, but it wasn’t enough. He shoved down a sob with a visciousness usually reserved for cutting down slave traders, almost missing James’ next words. “I want to be with you both, Steve. Who’s to say that I can’t?”
“Buck...” Steve’s voice was hesitant, hoarse. Like he wanted, needed, but couldn’t. “It isn’t done.” Tony closed his eyes, leaning against the nearest wall as a sudden wave of dread left him unsteady on his feet. His stomach felt like it was devouring itself, and his heart was practically in his throat. This was it. He knew it; Steve didn’t want to share James. And James would cave and end what he had with Tony, leaving him broken and alone.
It hurt to breathe.
"I don’t care. Stevie, I don’t care.” James was practically begging. “I need you both, and there’s no one to tell me I can’t.”
Wait, what?
Tony’s eyes snapped open in disbelief, tinged with shock. What? Something like hope began to stir within him, gripping him, leaving him frozen in suspense. Would Steve agree? Could it actually all work out? Something akin to giddiness bubbled to life alongside the burning hope as he finally allowed himself to consider the possibilities. He could be with James and so could Steve and they’d all be happy. Tony would finally be happy.
“Buck… I can’t. I won’t. I won’t share you like some common harlot.”
Tony smiled grimly as he felt his heart sink to his feet, splintering into a thousand pieces, all previous hope doused by the horror that painted Steve’s tone. There it was.
What a fool he was to think he could ever be happy.
“Steve.” James was crying. Silent tears dripped down his face as his eyes shone, and Tony hated himself for finding it beautifully haunting. “Please.”
But Steve only shook his head, jaw clenched as he looked to Tony. “He’s a pirate, Buck. I can’t ever let you be with a soul as corrupt as his. The things he’s done… saving a few slaves doesn’t come close to redeeming him.” The bastard didn’t even seem to care that he was breaking James’ heart with each word, didn’t care that Tony flinched.
Not good enough.
You’re pathetic. You’ll never be good enough to make me proud, boy.
You make me sick. Look at you, you disgust me.
“Steve!” James managed to sound offended on Tony’s behalf, with made him smile. James was a good man, which is why Steve is right. He shouldn’t have been selfish. He corrupted everything he touched; he couldn’t let James be the next in a long line.
“James, it’s okay,” he consoled softly, stepping forward and cupping his cheek, thumb wiping away a tear. “It’s okay. He’s right.” And that was the part that hurt the most- he was right. Tony had taken more lives than he could count, with the weapons he and his father had made, and when he slaughtered the men transporting the slaves from one Hell to another. Nothing he would do could make up for that. He was right; he didn’t deserve James, but he had been selfish and wanted. God, had he wanted.
He met Steve’s eyes as James embraced him, burying his face in Tony’s neck, trembling. In that moment he hated Steve. He hated him, for making James cry, for making him hurt like Tony had rarely seen him. Even after everything he had been through, when his night terrors woke him up screaming, he never cried like this. Like he was broken, hopeless. He hated it.
“James, sweetheart, calm yourself,” he tried, voice gentle. “All is right, I promise.’ He pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes as he breathed in James’ scent, reveled in their closeness, one last time. “Your friend speaks true. I am a bad, bad man that was selfish enough to want you even though I knew I would taint you.” Now he was crying, voice hoarse, feeling their tears mix as they dropped on their clothes and the floor. “I knew it and I was still willing to love you, to let you love me, and he’s right, James, you deserve so much better.” He opened his eyes to stare into James’, lost in their beauty. How had he never noticed the grey flecks? The way they seemed so deep, like an ocean. Beautiful. They were as beautiful as the man they belonged to, and it made Tony’s heart hurt.
“No!” God, James sounded wrecked. “Tony, no, I can’t lose you, don’t do this. He’s wrong, you’re such a good man and I love you, please don’t do this, please.” He broke into sobs anew, begging and begging, clutching Tony tightly to him.
Tony sighed, drawing James’ arms off him and stepping away, keeping his eyes firmly on Steve, so that the hatred could replace the soul-breaking grief that threatened to drown him. “We’re on a tight schedule so you’ll have to wait until we reach a port after if you wish to leave,” he choked as he all but fled the room, making a beeline through the galley to where he knew Rhodey would be. Rhodey, who was always there for him, no matter what. Rhodey who Tony could always depend on.
Even if he knew he didn’t deserve a man like him.
“Buck…” Steve swallowed as Bucky sunk to the floor, clutching his hair as his sobs became even more violent, wracking his whole frame. “Buck, its for the best.” He crouched in front of his friend, the love of his life, carefully running a hand along his hair. “Hey, come on, you’ve got me,” he smiled, trying for levity. “You always have me, Buck. I love you.” His smile widened. He could do that, he could say he loved him. His euphoria was dampened only by Bucky’s state. “Buck, what’s wrong?”
“Go ‘way.” It was muffled by his face being buried in his knees as he hugged them, but still sounded so angry.
Steve hesitated. An angry Bucky wasn’t always the nicest. “I don’t want to leave you alone on a strange ship with people we don’t know when you’re in a state like this,” he reasoned. “But you know I won’t judge you. He obviously lied to you, and you fell for it. Buck, I’d be upset, too. It’s okay.” He tried for soothing, but Bucky snarled. Actually snarled, face whipping up to glare at him with fury blazing in his eyes. It was enough to make Steve take a step back in shock. He had never seen the other man like this before. Something akin to fear swirled low in his belly; what horrors had been done to him to turn him into this? That he could be so easily tipped into such an animalistic state.
“Piss off, Stevie,” he spat. “You knew I loved him, who are you to say who I can love? Huh?” Each word was spat like poison, like he wanted to hurt Steve. Wisely, he remained silent, letting Bucky get it all out. “He’s a good man, but you wouldn’t know that because you don’t even know him.” His face crumpled, all fury draining away, leaving a harrowing melancholy in its place. “You ruined it,” he cried, hoarse voice breaking. “You ruined it, Steve, he’ll never let me love him now.”
Steve frowned. “Buck, what do you mean? He’s a pirate, he kills people. And I heard he made weapons with his father for the King’s Navy that killed thousands of people!”
Bucky hunched his shoulders. “He’s so insecure, he’s been through so much.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper, and Steve strained to hear it over the sounds of the water. “He hates himself for what his father raised him to do, Steve.” His gaze felt like a damnation as he spoke. “He’s tried to make up for every wrong he’s ever committed. Can you say the same? Can you say that you haven’t taken lives? Or does it not matter when it’s in the name of His Majesty, God Save Him?” He sneered. “I love you Steve but you’re so wrong about him and you were cruel.”
Steve swallowed, shifting his weight. “It doesn’t matter. He's a pirate, Buck. You and I both know that there’s no such thing as a good pirate.” He pointedly ignored Bucky’s vicious ‘you’re wrong’, as venomous as the snake bite that’s mark still remained on the ex-captain’s calf. “You don’t need him when you have me. You’ll both get over this. I promise.”
Bucky just shook his head, hugging his knees tighter. “I don’t want to ‘get over’ him,” he rebutted, stubbornly. His sobs had ceased; too angry to cry.
Steve sighed, irritation flaring to life. “Buck you’re acting like a child,” he hissed. “Think about this for a second. He’s a pirate. I say let’s get off this infernal ship right this instant and make our way back home.” He reached out hesitantly, crouching down again to place a reassuring hand on his friend’s hand. “Buck, let’s go home.”
Everything seemed to drain out of the other man then; he slumped, as if he were marionette with his strings cut. “What for?” he asked, and Steve shivered, shocked at how dull and empty his voice sounded. “We don’t have anything there for us, Stevie.” Resignation, Steve realised, with dawning horror. That’s what this was; he didn’t want it, but had resigned himself to it. Dear God. Was it truly that much of a hardship to go home? “No Navy, no family.” He raised his head slightly to pin him with a flat, dead-eyes stare. “I got nothin’.”
“You have me, Buck, you have me,” Steve hissed, suddenly furious. “You have me! I sacrificed everything to save you, and this is the thanks I get?”
“Fuck. You.” Bucky hissed back, jumping to his feet. “Fuck you, Steven.” Fury etched into his very bones, he turned on his heel, striding out of the room, letting the door slam behind him. Steve sighed, running a hand down his face in regret.
“Damn it.”