Chapter 4
“Tony?”
Humming in acknowledgement, Tony tilted the wheel slightly to the left, bringing the horizon back to level. He’d always preferred being his own Helmsman.
“I- uh-.” James released frustrated sigh as he tugged at his hair. “I want to talk to you, about staying.”
Tony raised an eyebrow, lips betraying him as they curled into a wide beam despite his best efforts. “You want to stay? On our old gal?” With me? “That’s brilliant news. I mean I’d hoped, but I didn't want to assume, I mean-”
James placed a hand on his shoulder, silencing the man’s blabbering, smiling gently. Fondly. “Of course I want to. I have since I got to know you, since everyone on board was so nice to me. I just… I was torn. I wanted to see Steve, but I didn’t want to leave y-everyone. But… I think I’ve found a solution, if you find it within your heart to accept.”
Tony swallowed. “James, dear friend, I would do just about anything to keep you. Aboard!” He added, slightly panicked, eyes wide. “Keep you aboard, I meant!” He viciously shoved down the dread that was crawling up his throat, overshadowing it with his hesitant joy- James said he wanted to stay.
James stepped to his side, placing a hand over one of Tony’s gripping loosely on the wheel. “I think you would,” he agreed, smiling gently, “But ‘tis a sizeable request.” Tony tilted his head in a silent question, turning it slightly to look at the man beside him. “I want to ask him to come aboard, if you're agreeable. Steve, my Naval captain, I mean.” Ah. There was the reason he was so nervous.
Tony swallowed, heart sinking. Of course he wanted his ‘friend’ to be here. He'd settled on board, it made sense. And of course, when his friend arrived, he'd abandon the tentative, precious thing that had been slowly building between him and Tony. Of course he would; who would want Tony? He was just a pirate, with nothing to offer.. He shouldn’t be surprised, Tony reasoned, he shouldn't hope for good things like James.
After all, he destroyed what he touched.
“Your friend?”
James nodded, mouth pulled in a grimace. “Yes…” It sounded uncertain, and that set off great, big bells within Tony’s mind like a warning. “I must confess, I…” he trailed off, unsure as how to voice it.
“You love him.” Tony’s tone was flat, dead, in a way James had never heard before. Even when he was angry he buyant, soaring with something that was just so Tony.
James nodded, running a hand through his hair. “I do. Unrequited, as far as I am aware,” he admitted softly. Gently. It made something that was almost anger splutter to life with Tony, but he doused it when James added “But I’m so very close to loving you, too, Tony.” He looked so hopeful, so young, it made Tony’s heart ache. “And, well. After everything? I’m a pirate and I feel like I can say a bloody great big sod off to anyone who tries to stop me from doing what feels right, and what I feel for you and Steve? It feels so right, Tony.”
Tony smiled, a brittle, dry thing. “You can’t love two people at once, James.”
James raised an eyebrow. “Can’t I? Who’s to tell us who we can and can’t love?”
Tony bit his lip, shrugging in concedement. “Fair.”
James squeezed his hand. “Hawk said I gotta get my ass outta my head and be straight with you,” he admitted, “Tell you what I want, so this is me trying to do that.” He took a deep breath, taking Tony’s other hand, stepping them away from the Helm, gesturing Rhodey over, who sent him a knowing look. “I want you, and I want Steve, if he wants me, but most of all I want to avoid breaking your heart.”
Tony looked into his eyes, not even noticing Rhodey near them. “You want the both of us?” His tone was more thoughtful now, considering. “You want me to share you?”
James hesitated. “Only if you agree. But… In an ideal world? I would want the three of us together, equals in the relationship.”
Tony raised an eyebrow in surprise, searching his face for hints of deceit and finding none. “Interesting,” he admitted. “I want you too, James, I can’t lie.”
“Could you share me, though?” James looked like he didn’t want to hope but couldn’t help it, and it settled something within Tony, oddly enough. He had come to him, honest and asking. There was no deceit, only truth.
Tony thought that maybe, just maybe, he could try to place his trust in him. After all, Steve might not even love James the way James loved him. “Maybe,” he offered. “But I don’t know,” he admitted, smiling wryly.
James smiled, tentative. “You would be willing to attempt?”
“Of course, James,” he managed, trying to keep a shaky smile on his face. “You know I can't say no to you, my friend.” He ignored how much it hurt. He could do this, for James.
James beamed, a pure, joyous, beautiful and unrestrained thing that stole the breath from Tony’s very chest. “Thank you, Tony, thank you!”He lifted the hand he was holding, bringing it to his lips, eyes shining with joy. It was the most expressive, most open, Tony had seen James. Of course it is, Tony thought, slightly bitter, it’s about Steve. How could I ever compare?
James was going to have his two favourite people in the world with him and he was ecstatic. He felt like he was flying, joy burning bright in his chest. Tony was wonderful, kind and oh so heartbreakingly beautiful. He couldn't resist the quick kiss he pressed to his knuckles, a grossly inferior display of of how he felt. (He could never possibly convey the strength of his appreciation in that moment). It went beyond simple gratitude, and was so strong he feared he would burst with it all.
“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”
It didn’t take them much longer to reach the Great Southern Continent. It was almost scary, actually, how swiftly James had become a part of the crew until he felt like he’d been part of the ragtag family Tony had build onboard The Vendicatore. “We’ll head somewhere North to deliver the message. Then we’re heading to the Middle Passage, by Caracas, so you can tell your friend to meet us there.”
James smiled. “That’s perfect. I’d better send one to Natasha, too. I’ll bet my life he went to her to help him find me, so if he’s scouring the seas she’ll know where he is and send him a message.”
Tony nodded absently, watching Rhodey help the Freeds settle, the rest of the crew leading them off the boat, handing them some supplies as he picked at the hem of his linen shirt. “Right.”
Gently taking one of his hands, James tutted. “You’re gonna tear your shirt into rags like that,” he teased, interlacing their fingers and squeezing the pirate’s hand slightly. The thing between them was so tentative and fragile that he was scared he’d make one wrong move and doom it all before it had even begun. Slowly, so slowly, they had begun to become more physically affectionate, especially since Tony had magnanimously agreed to let Steve aboard should he agree; little gestures of affection that never failed to make something warm burst to life within James’ chest.
Tony smiled slightly as he looked at their joined hands, squeezing back. “I’m so proud of how far you’ve come,” he stated, his suddenness surprising James. “And I’m glad you’re reaching out to Captain Rogers. You’ve told me so much about him…” He glanced up at James from beneath his long, curving lashes, almost shy. Vulnerable. Something stirred within James at seeing the other man so open and vulnerable, insecurities laid bare. Awe.
“Tony, Sweet, I-” he faltered, unsure as how to reassure Tony’s obvious fear that Steve’s presence would change things between them. “There’s something between us, you can feel that, can’t you, Sweeting?” That was another thing they had slowly built to; endearments. James would sometimes use one, usually as they rose, when they were still sleepy and the sun was low in the sky, usually accompanied by a kiss on the forehead; or, Tony would smile over his mug of ale in the evenings, a small, mischievous thing, shooting him a ‘dear’ as they talked and talked the night through.
Tony’s grip on his hand tightened at the casual use of endearments. James resisted the urge to smirk, instead settling for stroking his thumb along Tony’s golden skin.
It was a testament to just how far along James had come, to being his ‘old self’, that he was using pet names, as smooth and charming as he’d led Tony to believe after wistful story after story about the old him. The Before James.
‘After James is just as beautiful and complex’, Tony would always console, when he felt broken and wrong, arm wrapped around broad shoulder, James’ head tucked into the hollow of his throat.
“I do, James, I do.” And he did. Tony had never been short of lovers, but they had been a hollow love, borne out of lust for his wealth or the primal need for comfort After. What he had with James… that was nothing like anything he’d ever had with somebody, and it made him want to cherish it, protect it. It was a beautiful flower; one strong storm and it would be destroyed, mangled, beauty forever gone. More often than not it left him almost breathless.
A fear, deep-rooted within his mind, whispered to him that Steve was the storm that would tear into their lives, uprooting it and destroying the beauty they’d slowly- so slowly- and painfully built with each other, side by side. Together.
“My feelings for you aren’t ever going to change, Tony. No matter what happens with Steve,” James breathed, stepping closer to the shorter man. “Because when I love I love with my whole being, my whole soul. I’m not far off lovin’ you like that, and that kinda love ain’t goin’ anywhere.” His eyes held Tony’s prisoner, demanding his attention, his devotion. All freely given.
Tony had been helpless to love this man since he woke, screaming and in pain, looking for all the world like a lost, scared boy that was trying his hardest to hold himself together.
Tony had always had a weakness for broken, beautiful things.
Not broken, just hurting. The words that were once whispered to him that he whispered to James, on the nights in the beginning where James would wake, screaming, crying, pleading, fear soon turning to anger. You’re not broken, James, just hurting.
Tony wet his lips, pulse fluttering at his throat. “Promise? Promise me,” he demanded, breathy and desperate, eyes wide and borderline frantic. With his hair ruffled by the sea wind, James didn’t think he’d seen a prettier sight.
“I promise,” he swore, glad he could give something concrete to reassure the man that he wasn’t going to leave him. “I swear it, Tony.” He tugged the naval identification bracelet off his wrist- the only thing they hadn’t taken from him, the only thing he had from Before- and slid it onto Tony’s. A physical reminder of this moment, of James’ promise, to reassure Tony when James couldn’t. “Tony, I promise, sweet thing.”
Tony’s mouth was gaping, shocked joy written across every inch of his face. “James…”
“I know this thing that’s between us is so new, that we’ve barely acted on it, but Tony I want to.”
“I- me too, James, me too, oh God,” he cried, flinging his arms around the larger man, embracing him tightly.
James laughed, feeling like he was going to explode from the pure joy that was rushing through his veins, swift and burning. Like a wildfire.
Maybe he’d combust.
(Not that he’d complain- he’d die a happy man).
Of course James’ mental state was still very fragile, a delicate thing that reminded Tony of a knife balancing on the edge of something narrow. One tiny push and it’d topple into bliss, mind marinating in serotonin and dopamine, leaving James feeling like he was on top of the world. Indestructible. He could easily grow manic, the darkness that lurked in his mind momentarily banished, almost forgotten.
But when his system flushed the chemicals out, the knife fell the other way, deep into the bottomless pit of James’ misery and melancholy. These moments were when the darkness would suddenly sieze him again, leeching his world of colour until he was a husk, either feeling nothing other than the melancholy that consumed him, or anger that burned bright and hot. He’d scream and scream until he was crying, clutching his hair and begging to be held, for Tony to burn through the blackness that swallowed him.
‘My Star,’ he’d cry, ‘You shine so bright, make it go away.’
Tony’s own heart clenched in empathy, powerless to do anything other than do his best to soothe him, stroking his hair, letting James feel his heart beat, sure and loving (‘My Heart’, he’d murmur, ‘Always so strong.’). He’d murmur to him stories of his adventures with the crew, stories of Before. Once, when the cruel hands and dripping blood wouldn’t stop tormenting his Love, Tony had whispered briefly about his own kidnapping. Of the betrayal that still tasted bitter in his mouth. Still made something ache deep within him. Their shared brokenness helped heal something deep within James, helped reassure him that Tony loved him, jagged pieces and all, because he was the same. They were one, borne of the same pain, the same darkness.
James had held him through his tears, both of them sobbing, holding each other on the floor of their shared quarters.
The day James had made his promise, and all through the night, he’d been so happy, that it was inevitable, really, that he’d crash. That the darkness would creep back and imprison him within his agony once again.
“Tony…” It was more of a pleading whimper than anything, (soft but painfully loud in the silence of the night) no matter how much James would deny it later, and it tugged and tugged at Tony’s heart until he was hurting too.
“Oh, James.” Sliding off the bed, moving as quickly as he could to James’ bed they’d brought in that first night, when he was halfway to dead (no no no, don’t think of that, don’t). “James, mi amore, it’s alright, I’m here, it’s going to be alright.” He crooned sweet nothings, reassurances, into his sweaty hair, holding him tight to him. “It’s going to be alright.”
The bracelet James had given him glinted in the moonlight, almost mocking him. Look at what you had, it seemed to say, but nothing really lasts forever, does it?
The thought haunted him long into dawn.
With the Freeds no longer aboard, the ship seemed emptier, no dark, slim faces warming in the sun, curious to explore the ship. Though many stayed below deck where they felt safe, the loss of their presence was felt keenly by James.
“Just want them to be safe,” he mumbled when Rhodey asked him what got his face all sour. “Hate how people can do that to them, just ‘cause of the colour of their skin.”
Rhodey, a fellow black man that had once been a slave until Tony had freed him in his own escape, nodded. “I know. But James, we’re making a difference. We are,” he insisted at James’ doubtful expression. “All of these people? They were suffering. But now look at them. They’re happy, they’re free. And our ship is famous because of it; our legend’s spread across the seven seas, James. We are helping, no matter how small. We are doing something, and with things like this? That’s all that matters. All that distinguishes us from them.”
James nodded. “Right.” A weariness settled deep within him as he sighed deeply, hands flexing on the wooden banister that fenced the deck of the ship.
Rhodey rested a hand on the man’s shoulder, the touch warm and reassuring. “One day there will be no difference between men like you and me. One day slavery will be a abhorred thing of the past that we will condemn our generation for.”
James bit his lip, mind drifting back to the men, women and children who had suffered so much. “I really hope so, Rhodey. I really do.”
Their melancholy was interrupted by Tony’s cheerful ‘Am I interrupting?’, and a chaste kiss pressed against James’ cheek. Anxious, the man glanced at Rhodey to gauge his reaction, but he just rolled his eyes.
“Trust me, I’ve seen Tony do much worse,” he reassured dryly, shooting a fond glare at his best friend.
Tony grinned cheekily. “It’s true,” he shrugged, shameless.
James huffed a laugh, hesitantly wrapping an arm around the man’s waist. “Poor soul,” he sympathised, grinning at Tony’s little huff.
“Please. Remember France, after you were that poor woman’s dashing little hero? Scarred me for life, I say.”
Rhodey grinned wolfishly. “How could I forget?” He pressed a hand to his chest, over his heart, dramatically. “Thought I’d died and gone to Heaven that night. The Lord definitely blessed me.”
Tony scowled. “Well he definitely didn’t bless my poor eyes, you rotten sod!”
James snorted. “He let you gaze upon me, did he not?” He smirked, playfully joining their banter.
Tony laughed, gaze softening. “Touche, James. Touche.”
“Stop it,” Rhodey scowled, making exaggerated gagging noises. “Foul beasts, save it for the private quarters.”
“Aw, honey-boo, feeling left out?” Tony cooed, grabbing Rhodey’s cheek, releasing it when he was swatted at aggressively.
“I have never wanted to be left out of something more than I do now,” he said, serious.
Tony laughed. “Come, now. I’ve come to steal James and the helm needs a Helmsman.” Shooing the pirate off, Tony turned to James, grinning brightly. “C’mon. You can distract me while I plan our course.”
James grinned, wicked and full of promise. “Oh?” They hadn’t taken that step yet, had not even kissed, and James knew that wasn’t what Tony meant, but it was fun to tease.
Tony returned his grin, waggling his eyebrows playfully. “What say ye?”
“Whatever you want, sweet thing. Whatever you want.” He didn’t even bother trying to keep the fondness from his voice; it was doubtless writ across his face whenever he so much as looked at his pirate captain.
Winter was fast approaching, and so the days were shorter and the nights longer. Cold winds tore through the sails, wild and strong, propelling them faster and faster along Tony’s plotted route to land.
To where he would contact Steve.
So it was dark by the time the two of them fell asleep, wrapped around each other, warm and safe, and even darker when James woke.
“James,” came Tony’s giddy whisper, drawing James from his sleep like a moth drawn to a flame. “James, my friend, wake up.” There was a smile in his voice, a giddiness he couldn’t conceal. James found his lips curling into an answering smile as he opened one eye to see Tony illuminated in the candlelight, leaning over him, eyes sparkling. “I have something to show you.”
James grumbled as he followed Tony out onto the deck, rubbing at his eyes tiredly. Mid-yawn, he paused at the sight Tony made, all tiredness suddenly dissipated.
Illuminated by the waves of moonlight washing down on him, casting him in an ethereal light that softened him into something gentle and warm, James couldn’t help but think how utterly and achingly beautiful he looked. Eyes lingering on the man’s silhouette, he followed the pirate captain until they both stood, shoulder to shoulder, in the centre of the deck, Stark’s head tilted back to look up to the night sky. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” He asked, hand reaching to hold James’, fingers interlacing as Tony’s face softened into a smile; he was almost glowing in the silver moonlight, youthful and powerful in a way that stole the breath from James’ very chest.
‘You are,’ he wanted to say, needed to say, as they lay down because in that moment his chest felt like it was going to burst, split at the seams like Steve’s jackets used to when he went through his sudden spurt of growth, muscle after muscle growing larger as he grew into his manhood. He could almost imagine everything spilling out, trailing down his body to pool ‘round Tony’s feet, coating them with the pure, vivid emotion that burned bright like a star within him. But he couldn’t; he was no longer the charming young man that had joined the Navy with Steve, silver tongued and handsome. Now, words clogged in his throat, threatening to choke him, before sliding back down his chest, heavy around his heart as everything that remained unspoken wrapped around it like chains. “It is,” was all he could choke out, helpless before the man before him that had somehow managed to steal his heart.
He loved him.
Loved the man stood beside him, the man who showed him the beauty hidden in the world, whether it be hung in the sky by Mother Nature herself, or in the way blood dripping from a blade as sharp as Tony’s wit could get James’ heart thundering heavier and faster than a galloping horse. The beauty that was Anthony Stark was dazzling, and he couldn’t not love him.
The realisation left him breathless, wide-eyes and frozen, hand tightening against Tony’s.
“Hey, you alright there, Sweeting?” Tony’s concerned furrow of the brow and easy use of the endearment tugged at something in James, mirrored in the twitching of his lips.
“Fine,” he reassured. “I just realised something.”
That earned him a single, raised eyebrow. “Oh?” He asked, making an inquiring noise. “Care to share?”
James smiled, something secretive and cheeky. “Maybe someday.” He rubbed his thumb along Tony’s wrist absently, staring at the stars reflected in his eyes. “I think I’m the happiest man in the world,” he whispered, gaze unwavering as Tony’s smile lit up his face.
“Me too,” he agreed, shifting closer, until their entire sides touched and their noses brushed. “So, very happy.”
James smiled, fond and warm, as he reached a hand to cup Tony’s exposed cheek, rubbing his thumb across the soft skin. Slowly, oh so slowly, he brought his lips closer, until finally, finally, they met Tony’s in a soft, chaste kiss.
Tony made a desperate sound that shot straight to James’ gut, tangling a hand in James’ hair, longer now than it had been when he had first come aboard, tugging him in for another, this one more passionate, his tongue swiping across James’ lips, begging for entrance that James freely gave. To Tony, he surrendered. He always would.
Tony moaned, tongue sweeping in the cavern of James’ mouth, hot and passionate, as James tugged him closer until Tony was practically on top of James, his body a length of warmth that sent his head dizzy.
“Tony,” he groaned, “Tony.”
Tony pulled away with a chuckle, pressing soft kisses to James’ jaw. “You’re so sweet,” he murmured, nuzzling him now, tongue flicking in his ear.
James huffed. “Tease.”
Tony hummed in agreement. “Waited so long,” he sighed, sounding as happy as James felt. It made his heart flutter and swell with love. “Perfect,” he sighed, dropping his head to James’ shoulder as James wrapped his arms around his waist. “You’re perfect, James.”
“You’re perfect, too, Love,” he whispered, feeling Tony’s breathing slow, until he drifted to sleep, blanketed by the stars, warm and comforted by each other’s presence.
It was perfect.
“I love you,” he mouthed against Tony’s hair, grinning. “So much.”
(He viciously shoved down the anxieties, the doubt. He had known Tony for weeks, and had fallen more in love with him with each one. He’d sunk straight into it, like quicksand; he always did. But this time felt different. Special. His love for Tony felt special, like a precious jewel, no matter how quickly it had developed. It felt so right.)