Under different circumstances
Peter stood in front of the mirror in his room, trying for the hundredth time to tie the tie around his neck. He tried to avoid the voice in the back of his mind It’s not that difficult, kid. It was complicated enough, thank you very much, without the memory of his mentor’s voice teaching him how to do it. The thing is, this was the third time he was standing in front of a mirror; eyes red and watery, tear-stained cheeks and hiccups as a result of his sobbing. And yet he had never learned how to tie his tie.
Ben had tied it for him the first time, as he himself tried to hide his own tears at the loss of his brother. As he tried to explain to a kid that his parents were not coming back. Peter hadn’t understood how permanent it was or why everyone around him stared with pity in their eyes and whispered “I’m sorry”s. What were they sorry for? Peter hadn’t understood. And Ben only said that sometimes people are taken from us, far too soon. And those around us try to make it better, by allowing us to feel sad. Peter thought that was one of those explanations adults gave when they didn’t know what to say. But before he could say anything Ben had finished adjusting his tie and was giving him a watery smile, so Peter didn’t tell him what he thought.
The second time it had been a police officer that used to work with Ben. Officer Connor Peter thinks, although he is not so sure. He had been getting ready to go say goodbye to Ben when he realized he had no one to tie his tie. May was a wreck although she tried to put on a brave face, but even if she wanted to, she didn't know how to tie it for him. So he had put it in his pocket, hoped he would find someone at the church to teach him how to do it. Office Connor was Ben’s partner and when he approached May and Peter with that pity in his eyes that Peter had seen many times before, he pulled his tie out of his pocket and quietly asked, Would you tie this Officer? I just don't know how. And he had said yes, quickly complied and then left before Peter could even say thank you.
Peter spent a long time trying to find someone to teach him how to tie a tie. May had tried to learn with him for his homecoming dance but it ended up being sloppy and careless. He had felt since he lost his parents like he was missing something. Like there were big empty shoes next to him that no one dared step into and try to fill. And in came Mr. Stark. He had kicked aside the metaphorical shoes, had made a footprint of his own right in the middle of Peter’s heart. And when Peter had to put on a tie for his Decathlon competition he had asked Mr. Stark if he could teach him. And Mr. Stark had said yes and had given him a quick tutorial that only someone that had been tying ties since he could walk would be able to give. And still Peter felt frustrated for he couldn’t do it. He tried over and over, Mr. Stark’s patience running thin. Until Mr. Stark had said “No one is gonna care if you wear a tie, kid. Just impress them with your big big brain”. And Peter’s tie had been left behind lying on his bed back at the compound. His team had won regardless and Mr. Stark had been proud.
So, now. It was his third time in front of a mirror like this one. Putting on a suit to go say goodbye to someone, whose shoes he was sure would never be filled. And he couldn't tie a tie. He had never learned how and now there truly was no one left to teach him. So he left the tie behind. Got in the car with May in the back, holding his hand. Happy at the front, trying very hard to hide his own red eyes. And silently the car started, they were on their way, tieless but with a knot in his throat tight enough to suffocate him.
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The service was quick. There was no religious ceremony, just some of Mr. Stark’s closest friends, his family and his former co-workers. Although Peter was not entirely sure to which category he belonged, he knew there were many feeling the same way. Pepper said a few words, keeping her composure through the whole ordeal. Peter, however, did not pay attention to a word she said. He tried, but next to her, holding her hand was a little girl. She had brown hair and big brown eyes. She was wearing a black dress and a blank expression on her face as she focused all her attention on the lake that sat by her house.
Morgan. Happy had told him. She was four. Peter did not fully comprehend what had happened, he didn’t have any time to process it but from what they had tried to explain to him and the others, they had been gone for five years. Mr. Stark had gotten married, he had had a child and now, he was gone. And Peter simply did not know where that left him. Looking at the only person that maybe understood what he was feeling. He watched Morgan and saw himself saying goodbye to his own parents. He watched Morgan and he saw what could have been. If he hadn’t taken 5 years too long.
After the ceremony some people left. Some stayed behind. May had insisted on helping Pepper clean up; and they needed a ride from Happy anyway, and he looked far too interested in the conversation he was having in the porch with Morgan. Peter just stared at them and he didn’t know what to do. He looked to the lake and saw Wanda and Hawkeye talking, he didn’t really know them so he didn’t want to impose. He realized that the only person he had known at these events, the person that would be talking to him right now, making him feel like he was worthy of being a part of this group, was Mr. Stark. And that just made the knot tighten even more.
“You know, we never really talked about it-“ Peter turned around from where he was standing lamely on the lawn and looked as Steve Rogers approached him “-but I’m sure he would have wanted you two to meet” He nodded at someone and he turned around, realized he was pointing at Morgan.
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He saw from the distance as Happy got called inside, probably by Pepper and as Morgan slowly got up, looked around her and started walking decidedly in one direction. Peter watched as she got inside a small dog house and before he could think about it, he was already following her steps. He sat on a small chair located by the dog house and softly knocked.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” Peter’s heart was pounding. He didn’t know what to say, how to talk to her, if she would even care about who he was.
A small head poked from the curtains. She eyed him curiously and slowly stepped out. She stayed silent for a moment. Studying his face with a frown until suddenly her face lit up like she had just realized something.
“Hey you look like the boy in the pictures”. She told him in an excited voice as if she had just solved the world biggest mystery.
“Umm, I don’t really know what you are talking about.“ Peter started slowly. Trying to understand what she had meant without making her feel questioned. “You are the boy in the pictures daddy has in his office-” Morgan explained. Understanding began to clear Peter’s head. “- There is also one in the kitchen and in mommy and daddy’s bedroom.”.
Peter’s heart broke at the idea of Mr. Stark having framed pictures of them lying around his house. “That’s right. I’m Peter. Peter Parker. I used to work with you dad in the lab.” “- Daddy didn’t say you worked together, he used to say you were his kid” Peter’s breath hitched in his throat. “Does that mean you are my brother?” She asked with a frown on her face. Like she was squinting her eyes at the sun trying to get it to make sense.
Peter answered slowly. “It means that I loved your daddy very much. He was almost like a play-pretend daddy, but I once had a dad of my own.”
Morgan looked down at her feet. “Oh. Do you not love my daddy anymore?-“ She asked with tears welling up in her eyes. “- Is that why you are not my brother?”. Peter felt terrible and yet he didn’t know enough about kids to know what he had done wrong. I loved your daddy. Loved. Realization hit Peter’s face. “Nonnononono. Morgan, that’s- that’s not what I meant-“ Peter stuttered out nervously. “I still love your dad. I always will. But I had another dad before him.”
“And where is he?” Morgan looked at him and suddenly it dawned on him. How similar she was to himself when he lost his own parents. Morgan didn’t understand that her father was not coming back. She was convinced she still had one. And she did, just not physically there. Or so Peter liked to believe.
And for the first time Peter looked at Morgan and saw a little girl. Who was anything but alone and still, she had her own pair of empty shoes standing next to her. Peter did not know how to be a father. After all he was just a kid himself. But he sadly knew everything there was to know about loss, and he couldn’t be a father to Morgan. He would never fill those shoes. But maybe, sometimes, he could try them on. Walk around on them for a bit, just so that Morgan didn’t have to look to her side and see empty shoes.
He stepped up and put the shoes on. They were too big for him, impossible to fill and yet he searched within himself, looked Morgan in the eye and started talking.
“Well, you see, when I was younger my parents had an accident. It was really bad and now they are gone. I can’t see them but I like to believe that they are looking out for me, wherever they are-“ Morgan was giving him all of her attention. “- And so is… so is your dad. He is gone now and that is a little bit sad. And it is okay to be sad. Just remember that you don’t have to be sad alone. And he is always going to be looking after you. We all will”.
Morgan nodded slowly. Understating far more than he did when it was him, she blinked slowly and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Peter wiped it away. She looked back at him and smiled. “Thank you Peter. Daddy was right, you are reeeeeeeally smart”.
Peter chuckled through his own tears. He put his arm around Morgan and they stayed like that for a while. Looking at the lake, seeing Mr. Starks’s arc reactor floating in the middle of a bouquet of flowers. Peter really didn’t know what that was called. And he thought, Mr. Stark would have known. And he wouldn’t have made fun of Peter for asking. And he would have had a much better response for Morgan even though, if he was here, she wouldn’t need one. But he would never ask him. She would never get to either. And that was okay. As he sat there with Morgan he knew that the pair of shoes that sat beside Morgan was nearly impossible to fill. After all, Peter didn’t know how to be a father. But he would put all his energy into learning how to be a big brother and, in doing so, how to make the shoes a little bit more welcoming.