Baby Steps

The door closed softly behind her and Maya put her hands on the steering wheel at the nine and three o’clock positions. She could do this. This was exactly what she and Carina had been trying for. Maybe it was wrong of her to ask Carina for her help, but for better or worse they were still married. Separated, maybe, but still married. There was no one beside her wife that Maya would want to do this with. With a shaky breath Maya took her hands off the steering wheel and dug her cell phone out of her pocket.

First she sent off a quick text to Diane briefly summarizing her current predicament and asking for an emergency session tomorrow. Fucking this up was not an option. There was a baby involved. A baby who had been trusted to her because she was supposed to be a safe and stable place for her. Maya could admit she would need Diane’s help to make that true.

Then she called her wife before she could psych herself out of it.  

It surprised no one when it went straight to voicemail. “Heyy…” She drew out with a sigh. What the hell was she supposed to say? Babies were a sensitive topic between them. Both because of all their trying that didn’t work and with what Carina had said on the rooftop. Had she changed enough yet for her wife to want to have a baby with her? Well Carina hadn’t moved back home yet and still wasn’t speaking to her or answering her calls, so probably not. Obviously they weren’t ready to start trying again, but this baby was already here. 

Maya shook her head. What a damn mess. Whelp, best to just rip the band aid off, right? Carina’s choices were her own. All she could do was explain and try.

“So I kind of have a baby. She’s my niece. Mason just brought her to the station. She’s three days old. Her Mom OD’ed apparently and Mason can’t take care of her so…. yeah…I guess I have her now? I don’t know for how long. Mason said he wants me to keep her like she’s an unwanted pet, but there’s a social worker I have to call tomorrow. And, obviously, my wife and I need to discuss things together, but for tonight at least…yeah…I have a baby.” 

Maya looked out the window and took a breath to calm the tornado in her mind. Some bikers going past caught her attention as she thought of what to say. “And I’m scared.” She chuckled softly, swallowing the lump in her throat. Maya Bishop: Olympian, firefighter brought to her knees by a seven pound baby. Maybe. Might be more like six pounds. “I know I have no right to ask you this, but I need you, Carina.” Maya took another breath. This was not something she did often. This was not something she did at all, but she needed to. Carina had been screaming for her to get help for months and this wasn’t the same thing, but this was Maya asking. “I need you to come home and help me. Please…. I love you.”

With a nod she ended the call and sent Carina a text with an abbreviated version of the message she’d just left. Then she bucked her seatbelt, twisted the key in the ignition and backed out of the parking spot. Carina would help her, or she wouldn’t. Her wife would call, or she wouldn’t. Regardless, Maya had a little girl who needed her and a list of supplies to buy.

One step at a time.
She could do this.
She was Maya Bishop and she had this.

• Call Carina again. Explain. Text
  
  

Standing in the baby section in the isle of sustenance for tiny humans, Maya looked at the rows and rows of formula and had a startling realization. 

She did not have this. 
Not even a little bit.

There were so many different kids. It was formula… Why did it have to be so complicated? Shouldn't they all be basically the same thing? There were different colors and brands and words like sensitive, neuro, neuro pro, soy, organic, comfort, gentle, hypoallergenic, advanced, extensive, complete….

As if reading her thoughts, her cell vibrated with a text from Vic with a picture of the container of formula.

“Oh thank God.” While Maya tried to be as open and honest with her therapist as she could, she’s not sure she could admit to nearly having a panic attack over infant formula at Target.

Thankfully they had plenty of containers of Carly’s formula so Maya bought two small ones, figuring it would stay fresher that way. (Did babies care about stale formula? Did formula get stale?) Also wondering if, with this many different kinds of formula, was Carly on the best one?  She made a note to ask Carina. If Carina returned her call, she would know. If she didn’t then Ben would probably know.

• Formula

On her way out of that aisle as fast as the sticky cart wheels would let her, Maya grabbed a few of the same bottle she’d fed Carly with earlier, and a few packs of the pacifier she had.

• Bottles

Unfortunately, there was no time to breathe as the clothing section was as equally overwhelming.

This did not bode well for her future if she was this lost this soon in the game. 

“One step at a time.”

Maya was walking down a row when the tiniest little fleece sleeper caught her attention. It was gray with red around the neckline and the wrists with tiny firetrucks and dalmatians all over it. Stereotypical, yes, but dammit if Maya’s chest didn’t crack wide open. This should’ve been her and Carina shopping for their baby. Carina waddling down the rows with a hand on her lower back, big belly leading the way, cooing over adorable little fire truck pajamas together. 

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Maya was supposed to be captain. Carina was supposed to get pregnant. They were supposed to be happy. This was not what either of them needed right now, but it was what was, and Maya had to deal with that. 

When they had first started discussing their options for having kids, Carina asked Maya if she wanted to carry their baby and that had never appealed to Maya. She genuinely felt she didn’t need to have a biological connection to their child, and maybe she didn’t. Maybe she would feel this exact way about a child Carina carried and gave birth to, but the second she saw Carly in her brother’s arms she felt something inside of her. She didn’t quite know what, but she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved that baby and would do anything for her. 

Which was crazy for many different reasons.

Maybe these feelings were because Carly was her niece. Maybe she wanted to save Carly from becoming herself. From enduring all she had in the pursuit of her father’s love. Maybe she was just lonely. Maybe she needed something to focus on. Maybe she just needed someone. Maybe she didn’t want to fail at this, too. Maya shook her head and put the sleeper in her cart. All these maybes…Diane was going to earn her paycheck tomorrow.

A thought came to Maya, and she looked around. This was the boys section. That was okay right? Carly was three days old, she didn’t care what she was wearing as long as it was clean and dry. Babies could wear whatever. Right? She was a female firefighter. She could get her niece a sleeper with fire trucks on it. . . right? Maya took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. Then repeated it five times until she felt the pressure in her chest loosen. The baby section of Target was not going to win today. She was Maya Bishop (hopefully still Maya DeLuca-Bishop) and she had this. 

Before the past two hours of her life, Maya truly believed she had been getting better, but now she wasn’t so sure. One little girl, one little shopping trip and she was barely hanging on.

Continuing on through to the girls section, Maya cringed at all the pink and frills and lace and dresses. That was fine if that was what people wanted, but Maya certainly did not. In fact, Maya found a very similar sleeper with the same soft gray fabric and red on the neck and wrists only that instead of firetrucks and dalmatians it had Minnie Mouse on it. Why was Minnie better for girls than fire trucks?

Maya rolled her eyes. Patriarchy.

But Minnie went in the cart too. 

Who knew baby clothes were so sexist. No time like birth to start instilling those gender roles. Just for that Maya went back to the boys section and got the four-piece set that had been next to the fire truck sleeper. It had two long sleeve onesies and 2 pairs of pants. One set with fire trucks, one with other emergency vehicles. The fire truck set had a big fire truck on the bum! If she grabbed a few soft headbands with bows from the girls section to match because baby clothes may be sexist, but they were cute too then that was her business. A stuffed dalmatian may have also found its way into her cart. Sue her. It was freaking adorable.

Maybe she could have a photoshoot at the station with Carly in her helmet on top of one of the trucks. Or lying on her turnout jacket... That was a thing people did, right? Newborn photo shoots... Maya shook her head. One step at a time.

She didn’t totally boycott girls clothes. There was a blue and yellow sleeper that said ‘Family Favorite’ and a purple long sleeve onesie with tiny white dots with grey pants that said 'Super Star' across the chest that 100% jumped into the cart themselves. And maybe, maybe, an adorable pale yellow fleece sleeper with flowers and bunnies. Come on, the little feet were cream-colored bunnies! How was she supposed to resist? Girl clothes were cute too. She was only shopping for one night, but she remembered Vic telling horror stories of Pru going through half her wardrobe in a day as a baby. It never hurt to be over prepared.

• Clothes

On the way out of the baby section, Maya’s eyes were pulled to a rack. There was a maroon colored one piece outfit that had a simple ‘i am loved.’ across the chest in white lettering. 

You are loveable. No matter what.
You are loveable even when you lose.

Maya had never known real, true love until she met Carina. Growing up love always came with conditions. Love was dependent on medals and times and winning. Maybe that was why Maya was so determined to do this. She couldn’t save little Maya, but she could save Carly from growing up the way she had. This sweet little baby - her niece, her family - she would never know that twisted kind of love. Maya would tell Carly every day that she was loved and valued just for being. No conditions, no demands, no terms. Just love. Just safety. Just support. No matter what. Even if she had to do this alone.

Maya wanted to do this with her wife, of course she did. She didn’t want to just raise Carly. She wanted to raise her with Carina, but if Carina didn’t want to…if she chose not to, Maya would be okay. It would be hard. Undoubtedly the hardest thing Maya would ever do, but she could do it. 19 would be there for her, she knew that. They were trying and none of them could resist a baby no matter how tough they tried to act. It would be okay. A massive boulder thrown into the very center of her entire life trajectory, but okay.  

Maya was still due a couple of freak outs, but later. She’d left Carly at the station with a team that could have to rush off at any second so…later. She could lose her shit later. 

With a shake of her head, Maya forced herself into a better mindset. She threw the maroon outfit in the cart. The clothes were all so tiny. Hopefully newborn was the right size. They looked like they might be too big, but she couldn’t find anything smaller than that. Big or not they were clean and dry so they could make do for one night.

• Clothes

Now, diapers.

“Freaking…. seriously?” Much like the formula, diapers also came in about a thousand different kinds. Her eyes scanned the shelves and one brand stuck out to her. #1 pediatrician recommended brand. Maya grabbed a large pack in the newborn size. “Works for me.” The diaper Carly came in had a '2' on it and was massively too big, but she gave her brother credit for trying. Not like she really knew what she was doing either. She grabbed two packs of the same brand's wipes and high-tailed it out of there.

There was a small section of diaper bags on an end cap and Maya briefly considered getting one, but as of right now she only had Carly for one night. She needed to not get too far ahead of herself. They had plenty of bags she could use at home. Baby shopping was fun and all once she got over how insanely overwhelming it was (fun may be a bit of a stretch), but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she wanted to do it with Carina. The Italian would be much better at this and would know exactly what they needed. 

• Diapers
• Wipes

However, just because she didn't want to get too far ahead of herself did not mean she couldn't procure research materials. Not wanting to take too much longer Maya grabbed the first two baby books she found, the first aptly named 'Your Baby's First Year for Dummies' the second 'The Simplest Baby Book in the World.'

Maya signed as she made her way to the check-out. Even if she didn't end up raising Carly (and why did the thought of not being able to raise her send an ice-cold chill down her spine? She’d known the baby for all of maybe two hours.), she still wanted a baby with Carina so getting a few books would eventually come in handy. She just needed to not get so attached already. Mason could change his mind (although she would let him take Carly back over her dead body - he shouldn't be responsible for a goldfish right now never mind a living breathing human being), or their mother could find out (if Mason hasn’t told her already) and challenge Maya for custody, Carly’s mother’s parents may try to take her or maybe the social worker would take one look at her recent 5150 and make sure she never saw Carly again. 

For the first time in her life Maya couldn’t wait to talk to Diane.

After her shopping trip (which, despite being entirely overwhelming and eye opening, had been quick - only about 45 mins) she’d gone back to the station to find Carly still sleeping soundly. There had been an ambulance call that Sullivan and Theo took, but nothing other than that. Vic had found the pack ‘n play and Ben had run home to get Pru’s old car seat and base (and a bag of other baby related things she would check out later) during a break so all they had to do was pack Carly and everything up and go home. It had taken longer to pry the baby out of everyone’s hands than it had shopping.

Once they got home, she’d left Carly in her car seat while she set up her bed for the night in the bedroom right next to Maya’s side of the bed. Thankfully Vic had included some sheets and once a clean one was on Maya gently took Carly out of the car seat, swaddled her in one of the clean hospital blankets her brother had brought (swaddle technique brought to you by YouTube) and put her to bed, letting out a breath when the baby remained asleep. It was almost physically painful to have to move her, but she knew babies shouldn’t be left to sleep in car seats. Being a paramedic, she’d seen more babies with positional asphyxiation than she would ever be able to erase from her mind. 

Quietly she grabbed a change of clothes - grabbing the easiest thing she could which was a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that had been sitting on the dresser - and changed out of her work uniform in the bathroom. It was only once she had changed that she realized the t-shirt was Carina's. It had been weeks, but it still faintly smelled of her perfume mixed with a scent that was uniquely her wife and that was the main reason Maya didn't want to change into a shirt of her own, but the fact that she would have to go back into the bedroom and rifle around in drawers and risk waking Carly was the excuse she was going to tell herself. Maya brought the fabric up to her nose and allowed her heart to hurt for seven seconds before she pulled herself together. There were things that needed to be done right now and she was the only one here to do them.

Back in the kitchen she unpacked the shopping bags. Formula got set on the kitchen counter, bottles and pacifiers out of their packaging and in the sink to be washed, all the clothes got dumped on the table and sorted through to remove tags and stickers then put in the washer along with the dirty hospital blanket Carly had come wrapped in and the other clean one (because she didn’t totally trust it was clean). 

With a quick check on the still sleeping baby Maya headed back into the kitchen to clean up the bags and various packagings. After that she read the back of the formula container (because of course she had to read every last printed word to be sure she knew how to make it correctly) and came across a note that said ‘Ask your baby’s doctor about the need to use cooled, boiled water for mixing and the need to boil clean utensils, bottles and nipples in water before use.’ That led to a deep google dive in which Maya found that it was generally recommended to boil bottles, parts and pacifiers before newborns used them to sterilize them and that some places recommended boiling water for bottles as well and some didn’t. 

Until she had the report from Carly’s birth and hospital stay, and spoke to a pediatrician, she would take every precaution she could - including sterilizing everything and boiling water for bottles. She briefly contemplated texting Ben to ask, but it was late and everyone at 19 should be trying to rest. 

Thankfully they had a couple of bottle brushes as they had been trying to be better with using their reusable water bottles, so Maya was able to wash everything before boiling each bottle, ring, tube, connecting piece, nipple and pacifier before setting it on a clean dish towel to dry. She made a note to get a bottle rack the next time she went to the store. 

Once that was done it was coming up on three hours since Carly last had a bottle and Ben had said to let her go no more than three hours between feedings, so Maya set more water on the stove to boil. Just as the water was cooling, Carly made her presence known. 

Maya hated that her first reaction was panic.

“She’s just a baby. She’s hungry. You can do this.”

She went into the bedroom and unwrapped Carly from her swaddle, putting her on her shoulder and patting her little fleece covered bum. “Hey now. You’re okay. You’re okay. We’re,” she sniffed. “Yeah, we’re going to get you changed and then we’ll have a bottle and then, hopefully, right back to sleep because it’s super late and after the day I had I can hear my pillow calling my name. Can you hear it too? Is that why you woke up?”

Little Miss did not appreciate being pulled out of her cozy pjs to be changed, but her pacifier bought Maya just enough time. Diaper changes were definitely something she was going to have to work on.

She brought Carly into the kitchen where she triple checked the directions on the formula container to make sure she had done it correctly. Then grabbed a clipboard, a few pieces of paper and a pen and made a ‘Carly Log’. She marked down the time of the diaper she’d just changed and that she had been wet and stinky and put down the current time for a bottle and, after testing the formula wasn’t too hot on her inner wrist, settled them down on the couch and fed Carly her bottle. 

“Hey there little one. We haven’t been properly introduced yet. I’m…well, for now I’m you’re Auntie Maya. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Maybe you’ll just be here for the night. I don’t know. I’m trying to slow down and take life one day at a time. Sometimes even one step at a time, you know?” She looked down as big blue eyes stared up at her. They were still the typical newborn slate blue, and Maya wondered what color they’d end up being. “No, you probably don’t know, do you? That’s okay.” She whispered. “We can figure it out together.”

Carly had taken about an ounce when Maya heard the key in the lock.