Baby Steps

The apartment was quiet as Carina stepped in. Everything looked more or less the same from when she had been here last a few weeks ago.

Except…
Except for the car seat on the floor in front of the closet she bumped as she stepped further into the apartment. It brought a lump to her throat that she swallowed down thickly. This was really happening. It wasn't that she thought Maya lied to her in her messages, but it was a weird situation to wrap her head around.

They'd been happy and trying for a baby and nothing. They'd had a happy home, a happy marriage, had been more in love than Carina had ever known was possible for two people. Life had truly been a dream. A few bumps in the road, as everyone had occasionally, but always things they worked through and got over together. Then it all went wrong, and every ounce of happiness had been taken away and boom...baby. To say Carina's mind was a bit of a mess at the moment was an understatement.

“Maya?” She called softly. If the baby was sleeping, she didn’t want to wake her up by being too loud. Maya, on the other hand, could deal with being woken up. She had called and asked her to come, after all. Taking off her jacket, Carina followed the light into the kitchen where she set her things down on the table. (She didn’t want to put her bag and jacket in the closet like she usually did. Or like she used to, rather. It was too familiar - too comforting of a thing. Get home, put her things away in the closet, greet her wife with a kiss…no. Things weren’t like that anymore.) Immediately her eyes were drawn to the bottles and formula on the counter by the stove and she let out a breath.

“Hey,” Maya began, a smile in her voice. “In here.”

Carina turned toward the living room, unable to see anyone but Maya with how she was sitting on the couch.

Maya offered her wife a small smile. “You came.”

“Where’s the baby?”

Maya turned more fully so Carina could see the baby in her arms. 

Tears immediately sprung to Carina’s eyes. God how wished things were good with them so that she could enjoy this moment. So she could take her cell phone out and take a picture, because seeing Maya with a baby in her arms was just…it made her feel so many different things. It was good and it was bad, it was happy and sad, she wanted this, and she also didn’t want it to pull her back in before they were ready - before she was ready. 

It felt as if the past year of their marriage had been one long tennis match. Maya would pull her in with sweet words and soft touches then push her away without words or with words she once thought her wife incapable of directing toward her. Then there would be apologies and promises and Maya would reel her back in because Carina was so deeply head over heels for her wife and she wanted to believe things would change, but the same thing would happen. Over and over again and Carina was so so tired of it. For once she would not allow herself to be pulled back in. There comes a point where you are just over it. 

That’s not to say she was over her wife. No no. Carina is still very much in love with her wife, but she's done with this game. She’s done being jerked around. She’s done putting herself on the back burner and ignoring her wants and needs over her wife’s. She is done being the one putting in all the effort. She is done allowing her wife to hurt her. With everything in her she wants to believe that Maya is getting better. That she is getting help. She really does. But she’s gotten her hopes up just to have them crushed too many times to do it again.

This exact scene before her was something she’d prayed for and dreamt about for months and now that it was here it wasn’t at all what she’d meant, and the timing was all wrong. She didn’t know how to feel about it.

But, there was a baby.
Despite what was going on between her and Maya, there was a baby and her wife had asked for her help. God knew how many times she had hoped and prayed that Maya would ask for help and now that she had, Carina would not let that call go unanswered.

“I know,” Maya chuckled at the wide-eyed look in Carina’s eyes. “This is crazy.”

“So crazy,” Carina chuckled, making her way over to the couch. “I mean, my God Maya it’s a baby! Oh, and look at her. Oh those cheeks.” Whatever she had been feeling about seeing her wife again, of going back to their apartment had flown out the window with one look at the newborn. Her breath literally got caught in her throat. “She looks like you.”

“You think?” Maya asked with a smile.

Carina wiped a tear off her cheek. “Sicuramente!" They shared a soft smile before Carina turned her attention back to the baby. “She’s so little.”

“Do you want to hold her?”

Carina reached her hands out and pulled them back in three times, Maya’s smile growing each time, before she made up her mind. “No,” She looked unsure. “No. You two need to bond. You are her aunt.”

“So are you.”

Carina’s eyes met Maya’s with a sad smile. Their eyes were locked for just a moment before Maya looked away, giving her wife space to process. It was a lot, but Maya had already had a few hours to get used to the idea, so it wasn't as shocking to the system. Carina hadn't and Maya could see the turmoil behind her eyes.

“Right, is there anything you need me to do? Um…I…” Carina looked around, but everything looked under control. There weren’t piles of things to be washed or put away, nothing she could see to do, and things were very calm. With Maya’s messages she expected to come home to a very different scene, so she wasn’t sure what to do with herself.

It was late and the last thing she wanted was to get into a serious conversation with Maya right now, so she needed something to do. She had been asleep at the hotel when she’d woken up to see three missed calls, a voicemail and a text from her wife. Neither the calls nor the voicemail woke her, but rather it was the lack of her wife beside her. It had been a long time since she’d slept well without her wife. Before they were married, for sure. Which was unfortunate because with their schedules sometimes Maya was working overnight, or Carina had to just grab a few hours on the couch in her office and none of those arrangements were ever restful. 

But the number of calls and messages so close together jolted her into action, and panic, and as soon as she read Maya’s text she was putting on her shoes and grabbing her things, pressing play on the voicemail as she left her hotel room. Her heart had been in her throat and even though she was relieved that her wife was not hurt, her heart did not budge at Maya’s messages. 

Thankfully Maya could read her wife like a book and sensed the tension before it could get too far. “Could you check on the laundry? I got her a few things and put them on a quick wash. They should be ready to go into the dryer now. Just make sure to put the temperature setting on low. I don't want anything to shrink.”

Carina tightened the reins around her heart and with a nod got up and headed toward the washer and dryer. She was not going to crumble because Maya was looking up at her with these bright blue eyes and was being so sweet worrying about baby clothes shrinking. But her eyes…. Maya’s eyes were the first thing Carina noticed about her. How could you not? They were so blue and so expressive. She always used to be able to tell what Maya was thinking based on the exact shade of blue her eyes were, but for months she’d seen nothing but this dark, cold, troubled, steel blue that she absolutely hated. So, no. She was not going to melt because Maya’s eyes were finally bright and happy and loving and… her Maya again. Though maybe she did thaw a bit. Took down a single brick in the walls she had been forced to erect to protect herself. 

One brick wouldn’t hurt.

“On second thought,” Maya called out, chuckling as Carly kicked and one of her feet slipped up into the leg of her pajamas. “Maybe we should shrink them a little. She’s so tiny. Maybe then they'll fit.” She chuckled.

Carina smiled, her heart melting more with each adorable little outfit (and twice for the teeny fire trucks) as she moved everything from the washing machine to the dryer and set the cycle to low. Then she went back into the living room and sat down beside her wife. There were other places she could’ve sat, but she was human. She missed her wife. And while she still wanted space and didn’t trust her, she wanted to soak up these moments with Maya happy and engaged and with a baby. “No, because then they won’t last as long, and babies grow so fast you want things to last as long as they can."

“Maybe I didn’t get the right size.” Maya worried. 

Judging by the sight of the baby and the clothes she just moved, Carina doubted that was it, and she knew her wife was nervous that she had done something wrong. She could give her a simple answer, but it would help Maya more to see for herself that she hadn’t done anything wrong. Their marriage may be strained, but Carina still, and always would, want what was best for Maya.

“What size did you get?”

“Newborn.”

“Hmm…well, she is little, but I don’t think she is preemie little. Preemie clothing is generally maxed out at eighteen inches and around five to six pounds. Do you think she is more than that?”

Maya gently bounced Carly in her arms, getting a feel for her weight. “Ehhh weight I’m not so sure about. She might be just on the line there. Height I think she is probably over though.”

“I think you are right. Newborn is best. She will fit in it soon. They grow like weeds. Sizing is generic. All babies are shaped differently.” Carina comforted, pretending not to notice her wife’s eyes light up. And equally pretending to not be affected by it. 

It was unfair. Seeing her wife with a baby was unfair. Carina had dreamed of this so many times, but not like this. Not when they weren’t okay. Not when they didn’t have a happy home to offer that baby. Maybe it was cold, but she needed to keep her walls up right now. Until she figured out how she felt about all of this. She was still trying to heal and learn how to forgive and trust her wife again and just…

All she wanted in this world was to be with her wife, have a baby, excel in her career and be happy. Why was everything so damn complicated?

It wasn’t fair and that made her angry because this could’ve been their moment. Mason could’ve brought them the baby and they would’ve gone and picked out some clothes for her and they could be taking care of this baby together.

It wasn’t fair that this baby looked like her wife and she could so, so easily pretend that she was theirs.

It just wasn’t fair.

Could she help Maya with this baby with things how they were? With their marriage as it was? Could they work on things between them with the baby here?
Was she willing to risk her heart again by getting attached to this baby for it to all blow up in her face and for her to lose her wife, again, and this baby too?
Her mother, her brother, her wife and a baby.... no. No, that would be too much.

“I think she’s finished now she just needs to burp. Do you want to take her?”

Carina’s eyes lit up as she reached for the baby. Maya was right. She was tiny. There was no way she was even six pounds, but God did she feel good in her arms. She got lost for a few moments in baby bliss before she looked back up to see Maya holding her phone up.

“Sorry,” She admitted at being caught, a beautiful rosy tint coloring her cheeks and the tops of her ears. “I…I just had to take a picture.” She turned her phone around so Carina could see. It was a very sweet picture. Carina looked so just…content with the baby on her shoulder. People usually didn’t think content was a good thing. It wasn’t generally something people aspired to be, but with the past year Carina had, contentment was something she dreamed of.

“It is a good photo,” she admitted, ignoring that she could very clearly see that Maya had taken more than one. She gave Maya credit though. She wanted to take a picture when she walked in and she hadn’t. “Could you send it to me?”

“Of course, yeah.” Maya said, immediately doing so.

“What’s her name?”

“Oh shit. I’m so sorry. It’s Carly.”

Carina looked down at the little girl in her arms. She couldn’t say that she had met many Carlys in her life, but somehow, she could tell it suited her.

“Mason doesn’t know her middle name though. Ben was going to see if she was born at Grey-Sloan and we could get any info on her.”

Carina raised her eyebrow at that. “Right, so tell me how all of this happened?”

“Yeah, okay, so I’d just made dinner when everyone got back from a call-”

“I’m sorry, you made dinner?”

“I will have you know,” Maya began with a smile. “That I have gotten quite good at cooking these past few weeks.”

“Prove it.”

Eyes lighting up with the challenge, Maya went into the kitchen and Carina turned her attention back to the baby to see big eyes looking up at her. A clang and an “Pretend you didn’t hear that!” came from the kitchen and if Carina didn’t know better, she would swear Carly looked toward the noise and then back to Carina with an expression that clearly said, ‘Are you really leaving her alone in there?’ This little girl was an old soul, she could tell. There was so much behind her eyes. It hurt her heart to think that this sweet baby had suffered at all in her short life.

Carina let out a long breath. It was so easy to see this baby as their baby. To imagine Maya coming home to them (because in all of her fantasies, day-dreaming and planning it had always been her getting pregnant and having their baby) and preparing dinner (or at least ordering in or warming something Carina had prepared in advance). This could be a typical night in their future if you went back almost a year and squinted really, really hard.

Carly’s little hand flailed out and grabbed the closest thing which was one of Carina’s fingers and Carina couldn’t help but cry because she knew she was screwed. “I don’t have a chance, do I?” She was screwed with this baby and thus she was screwed with Maya because how could she and her wife work to rebuild themselves into a better and stronger couple with a newborn? Babies were hard. Even the best, most well behaved baby who rarely cried was hard. It’s the sleep deprivation, needing time to learn their cries and overall worrying that came along with being a new parent.

There was also a little issue. As much as Carina wanted to have a baby with her wife, she wanted to physically have it. She wanted to get pregnant and have that experience. The morning sickness, the anxiety and excitement each ultrasound and prenatal appointment brought, the heartburn, having Maya take care of her because she was nauseous or exhausted from being up all night because someone kept kicking her or bouncing their head off her bladder or because she just plain didn’t feel good with some pregnancy thing or another. She wanted to give birth and breastfeed. God, she’d wanted it all. It had taken Maya a lot to get to the point where she had agreed to, and wanted, one baby. Even if Carly did become theirs, Carina would still want to experience pregnancy and birth, but she didn’t know if her wife would ever agree to a second child. With her age it wasn’t like she had a whole lot of time to convince Maya, either.

Of course with her not getting pregnant yet she had started thinking that maybe it was time to start considering other options - thorough fertility testing first. Then if there was an issue with her they would have to reevaluate. Maybe she didn't have many eggs left or they weren't good quality in which case, if her uterus was still good, maybe Maya would be willing to donate her eggs so Carina could still carry their baby. Then it would have a special connection to both of them. Or there were donor eggs so she could still carry. If her uterus wasn't hospitable though, that would be tough. Because then, even if Maya agreed to carry and one of them was still able to carry their baby, it wasn't her. It had always been a dream of Carina's to get pregnant and give birth. But they weren't there, yet. Certainly not at even talking about adoption yet, nevermind taking in their niece. That was so many steps ahead of where they were (before shit hit the fan) and Carina was petrified that they would never go back.

As much as it shot a bolt of white-hot fear into the very center of her being, she would have to learn to trust her wife. Trust that her wife knew how important it was for her to carry their baby. Trust that they would still go through with that plan. Trust that Maya was working to better herself. Trust that she wasn’t going to hurt her again. Trust her with her heart, because Maya didn’t want to do this alone. Carina knew this. Maya never wanted to be a parent on her own so this baby would need them both. Together. 

They really needed to talk about what this would mean for them, and for their baby-making plans.

“Okay, so prepare to have your socks blown clean off! I just made this last night, so it’s-hey…hey what’s wrong?” Maya set the plate down and knelt down in front of her wife, hesitating for a moment before placing her hand over Carins’s. Just one hand, though. Just to offer comfort without being too much. Anything more was up to her wife. Carina was a very tactile person, so it was without thought that she turned her hand over and laced her fingers with her wife’s.

Carina took a breath, wiping her face on either of her shoulders. Why couldn’t Maya have been like this before? Maya hadn’t cared if she’d cried for a long time. Hell, Maya had been the reason for most of her tears lately. “Just feeling a lot of things,” she eventually answered.

Maya nodded understandingly. “I can imagine. . . Carina, I know we have a lot we need to talk about, and we will, I promise you, but just know that I’m here, okay? And I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”

Carina nodded, not trusting herself to say anything. Not trusting Maya’s words, either, but it seemed to be enough for Maya who reached out to take the baby. “Here, I will take her and you can eat. Don’t be shy with your critiques,” she said with a flirty wink that Carina, despite herself, couldn’t help but chuckle at. This was her Maya. Caring and silly, knowing just how much and how little she needed. It was nice to see that she was still in there after all this time.

“It’s nothing fancy,” Maya explained as she passed Carina her dish with one hand. “My Mom wasn’t a very good cook, but she used to make this whenever my dad was away. It’s very carb heavy, so there’s no way he would ever approve of us eating it, so it was…it was a little secret.”

Carina looked up at her wife and smiled. Maya never told her much about her childhood. Not that she blamed her because from what little she had been told, it was horrible, but hearing just this little bit made her feel closer to her wife. They locked eyes and conveyed everything their words couldn’t. Thank-you for sharing that with me. Thank-you for listening. Thank-you for being here.

The dish itself was very simple and didn't look to be flavored much. White rice with chicken, mushrooms and this beige-colored sauce, but Carina couldn’t care less what she was eating. It was the intent behind it. Her wife wanted to share something she held very close to her heart with her. Even if it well and truly sucked, Carina would eat it with a smile on her face. Luckily, though, it was really, really good.

“Maya, this is absolutely amazing.”

Maya’s entire being lit up in a way Carina hadn’t seen in a very long time. “Really? I tweaked my mom’s recipe a bit. It was very bland. I wasn’t sure-”

“You did absolutely fantastico, Maya.” Carina almost threw out a joking ‘Okay, who really made this?’ but thought better of it. Maya deserved to feel proud of herself.

“Thanks.”

If Carina hadn’t been so busy stuffing her face she would’ve had more to say, but as it was, she was starving. The food at the hotel had started tasting like pure heartbreak and this was an explosion of flavor and life and love. 

Carly made a few little unhappy squeaks in Maya's arms. Maya gently bounced her as she looked around for her pacifier. Carina picked it up from the other side of Maya that Maya couldn't see while holding Carly and handed it to her. They shared a smile as Maya put it in Carly's mouth and the unhappy noises stopped. It felt so natural. 

“Right,” Carina nodded, swallowing the food in her mouth and loading up her fork for her next bite. “You were going to tell me how this all happened before you went into the kitchen.”

“Right, yes, so I'd finished dinner just as everyone got back from a call. We were all just about finished eating when Mason just showed up…”

Maya continued to tell Carina everything. Every last detail including and certainly not limited to, her feelings. How hopeless, sad and angry she felt watching her brother walk away from her and his daughter knowing that her priority needed to be Carly and knowing that he was a grown man who had to make his own choices even if that was to use, how the Bishop kids were stubborn and would never learn until they fell flat on their asses, how the baby section of Target was her worst nightmare.

“I thought I’d have more time to prepare. I mean, at least an hour, you know?” Maya joked. 

Caring laughed. “This was definitely not a phone call I ever expected to get, that's for sure.” It felt so different between them. Not like the past year hasn’t happened, absolutely not, but the air around them was considerably lighter. There was no dark cloud hanging over Maya’s head and Carina could see that she was really trying. She had asked for help; she was talking about her feelings, about her childhood…she looked like the Maya Carina fell in love with.

But Carina couldn’t trust it. Not yet. “How-” She had to ask, but she didn’t want to seem like she was pushing her wife. Maya had spoken more about her feelings in the past hour than in the entirety of their relationship. Carina almost felt selfish for wanting more - for needing more. “How are you feeling with all of this?”

“Terrified,” Maya replied immediately. It felt good to talk. It felt good to talk to her wife. If there was anyone in the world Maya knew her thoughts and feelings were safe with, it was the woman in front of her. She would talk herself hoarse until every dark corner of her mind had been thoroughly exposed if Carina asked. 

Carina broke out into a smile.

The old Maya would’ve probably felt very attacked right now, but all Maya could do was match her wife’s smile. “You find that funny, do you?”

“No, no,” Carina assured, her smile staying firmly in place. “It’s just nice to hear how you feel, Bambina.”

Bambina

Shit.

The tears immediately started falling. Fast. Before she could make a complete fool out of herself, Maya handed Carly to Carina and gently jogged over to their bedroom. The door was consciously left open just a crack so Carina didn’t feel shut out, but Maya needed a moment. It had been so long since Carina had called her that and just the emotion behind it felt like she had finally come up for air after months underwater. 

Maya was so deep into her feelings she didn’t hear Carina follow her into the room or put Carly in her bed. The moment Carina's hand touched her shoulder, Maya didn't hesitate in burying her face in Carina’s chest and taking the offered comfort. She was done trying to keep her distance from Carina. She was done forcing everything down and everyone away. Carina wanted to be there for Maya through the good and the bad. It wasn't failing to let her. It wasn't failing to find comfort in her wife. It wasn't failing to need her wife.

It had been so long since they had held each other like this. So long since they’d touched for more than a quick second. It felt like coming home. It was everything.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Maya said when she pulled away, using her shirt sleeves to wipe her face. Carina just looked at her with a sad smile, giving her the time she needed. “It’s just… bambina …you know. Sorry. It’s been a while, that’s all.”

“I know. And I’m sorry too. Just because we are going through a…rough patch…” She chose her words carefully. “Doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving you and I know how special that word is to us. I shouldn’t have stopped using it.”

“No, it’s okay,” Maya insisted. “I know why you did. It was too intimate when we both needed some time to figure things out.”

Carina nodded, impressed. That was exactly it, but for Maya to articulate it as she had…it gave her hope. 

Maya took a deep breath then turned fully toward Carina, scooting back a bit to give her the space to say what she had to and Carina the space to hear it. “I’m really trying, Carina. I’m working so, so hard and I know it doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t take back what I did or what I said, how I pushed you away for months and lashed out at you, how I hurt myself and made you sit there and watch. I know that. But I want to be better. For you, for our marriage, and now for…for her, but Carina . . . mostly for myself. I was - I am - so, so tired. I haven’t been able to rest in so long.”

A tear fell down Carina’s cheek at her wife’s words and Maya was quick to wipe it away, Carina just as quick to hold Maya’s hand there against her face. She could see it. Maya’s exhaustion, she could see it. But she could also see something she hadn’t seen in so long that she was worried was gone forever - her Maya. This entire evening, she had been within arm's reach of the woman she fell in love with. The woman who held her together when her brother died, the woman who made her believe in marriage, the woman who could set her soul on fire with a single glance across a crowded emergency room, the woman who brought a new level to her sexuality (Carina had never been shy about her love of sex, but she sheer amount of hours she and Maya could spend lost in one another had been wholly new), the woman who made her feel safe and loved and wanted, the woman she could be silly with, her best friend, the love of her life, her wife. Her Maya.

They still weren’t okay but seeing that she hadn’t lost her wife released a weight Carina hadn’t known she was carrying, and she felt so much lighter in that moment that she was dizzy. As long as the woman she had taken vows with was still in there, they would be okay. Not today or tomorrow or maybe even in a few weeks or months, but eventually. Eventually they would be okay.

“But Carina, I need to know,” Maya began again. “Are you here tonight just to help me? Or are you doing this with me? I have to talk to the social worker tomorrow and I have no idea how that will go, but if she lets Carly stay here, I am doing this. I really, really don’t want to do this alone, but I will if I have to. I just…I really hope I don’t have to.”

Carina looked deep into blue eyes and sighed. This had been a freaking whirlwind and she honestly wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about everything. Agreeing to raise Carly with Maya was opening herself up to lose another person she loved. Not that she thought Maya would just take Carly and vanish if they weren't able to fix things between them, but if she allowed herself to stay here with her wife and raise this baby with her, the family she had dreamed about could be taken away from her in an instant. On the other hand, there was nothing stopping it from happening if Carly had been conceived and born from her body, either. It was all a risk. She had to listen to her heart. It was what had told her to marry Maya, and with the exception of recent events, she had never been happier than when she was Maya Bishop's wife. 

“We took vows, Maya. I meant them then and I mean them now. In sickness and in health, right? In good times and in bad.”

Maya nodded, more tears spilling down her flushed cheeks.

“I love you. I realize what you went through and how you reacted wasn't entirely your fault, but I am hurt and sad and traumatized, so I’m going to find someone to talk to as well, and it will take time. It will take time and a lot of work for us to rebuild and get us back to where we were. But…” she used a hand under Maya’s chin to bring the blonde’s eyes up to match her own. “But I am in this, Maya. I want to raise this baby with you. I still want to be in this crazy mess of a changing world with you. I love you.”

“God I love you too.”