Baby Steps

As soon as Maya looked up, everyone poured into the room. Andy was the first in her line of sight. “Do I…Andy what do I do? Do I bring her to the hospital? Do we treat this like a surrender? What-"

"No!" Jack exclaimed. "No. If you do that she gets put right into the system."

Maya looked down at the baby in her arms. Jack hadn't told her much about his time in foster care. Just enough to know that he still battled with things that happened to this day. Years later. This sweet baby. She couldn't...

"Jack's right," Ben says, stepping forward. "She's your niece. Your brother came to you for help. He wants you to take care of her."

A baby wasn't a puppy. You couldn't just give a baby away. Could you?

"If you want to," Vic interjected. This was a big decision that shouldn't be made lightly and she didn't like the feeling of Maya being guilted into this. "If not...well...there are options. Maybe?"

Ben stepped forward first. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to Carly and Maya was so in her head she just handed the baby over. “I’m gonna give her a little check up and get her cleaned up for you if that’s okay?”

Maya nodded, not really hearing. Was this baby really better off with her? Granted it was Ben Warren she handed Carly over to without question - the so-called Dad of the station, a doctor who had a little girl of his own, it wasn’t like she handed her niece over to a stranger - but she hadn’t even looked up as she passed the baby off.

“Did your brother bring anything with her? Diapers, clothes, paperwork from the hospital maybe? Anything?”

“Uh yeah,” Maya shook herself and grabbed the plastic bag by her feet. There was a small amount of formula (enough for two, maybe three bottles given how she just ate), three diapers that looked entirely too big, one of those green circular pacifiers hospitals give newborns, just the one bottle she had used to feed Carly moments ago, two more hospital blankets, a business card Maya assumed was for the social worker, and a picture of Mason and Carly’s mother if she understood the handwriting on the back of the picture correctly. It looked like some semblance of Sammi. “Sorry, this is all he brought.”

“I’ve worked with less.” Ben took the bag with a smile. “This is the same formula Grey-Sloan provides for newborns being formula fed. I’ll call…” He cleared his throat. “I’ll call Miranda and see if she can check if she was born there. Get some info on her at least.”

See if she had been born with drugs in her system Maya heard loud and clear. They all had been eavesdropping. Typical, but Maya couldn’t find it in her to be upset. Honestly it was a relief not to have to explain everything. How was she supposed to put this all into words when she was still trying to wrap her head around it?

Once Ben left, with Vic trailing after him cooing at the baby, Andy was right at Maya’s side. “Okay. Okay,” she said softly, soothingly. “We’re not going to freak out.”

“Are you sure?” Maya asked. “Because I really feel like freaking out right now.”

“I’m sure,” Andy answered with a barely concealed chuckle. “Did you try calling your wife?”

“Yup.”

“No answer?”

“Nope.

“Did you leave her a voicemail?”

“Nope.”

Andy handed Maya her cell phone. "Try her again.”

Maya huffed, but did as she was asked. Twice. Same result. It was getting embarrassing. Did they all really need proof her wife wanted nothing to do with her? What was the definition of insanity? Repeating the same action while expecting different results? 

“Okay, here’s the plan…You are going to call your wife, yes, again,” Andy added before Maya could speak. “On the way to the store. You are going to leave her a voicemail and a text explaining the situation. Then you need to pick-up some things. At the very least this baby needs more formula, bottles, diapers and a few outfits to last you the night. Ooh and a bed. She needs something to sleep in.”

Maya took out her cell phone and opened the notes app.
This she could do. She could make a list. Check it twice and all that. A sense of calm immediately came over her at the familiarity of it all.

• Call Carina again. Explain. Text
• Formula
• Bottles
• Diapers
• Wipes (That one she added on her own and was pretty damn proud of herself for it)
• Clothes
• Bed
• Don’t freak out
• Freak out AFTER you call Carina!

Looking down at her list, Maya took a moment to take some deep breaths. Maybe a few moments. A few long moments. Her thoughts were spinning a mile a minute and if she didn’t slow them down, she was going to be physically sick.

When she woke up this morning her biggest concern was getting her wife to talk to her. Just a two-word response to a text would've made her do a backflip, but that seemed so inconsequential right now. Well, not entirely inconsequential because if Carina didn't want to help her with this baby, if her wife didn't want to raise this baby with her, Maya had no clue what she would do. She was not mother material. Alone, she wasn't mother material. Carina had her believing that she could do this with Carina. She could mother with Carina. Not alone. Never alone. That hadn't been the plan.

None of this had been the plan. 

Andy tried to help by running a hand up and down Maya’s back. It was probably supposed to be soothing, calming, comforting. To anyone but Maya it may have been, but Maya let her continue anyway. It was the thought that counted. Theo, Travis, Jack and Sullivan sat across the room in silence. They were out of their depth here too, but Maya appreciated their presence.

“Ooh and a car seat!” Andy exclaimed, slicing through the silence a few minutes later. Maya was too overwhelmed to be embarrassed that she jumped about a foot in the air. She felt on edge. There had been no time to prepare for this. Babies weren’t something she was good at. She didn’t have the first clue about what to do with a baby other than the training she’d had and, while undoubtedly helpful for her job and emergency situations like her brother dropping a screeching newborn in her lap, not at all helpful with the day to day of infant rearing. And night to night. Oh God she was never going to sleep again...

“Andy really?” Sullivan said, looking a bit wide eyed himself.

“I’m pretty sure we still have Pru’s old infant seat at home. You are more than welcome to have it. I still have to call Miranda, so I’ll ask her about the car seat too.” Ben said, bringing the baby back into the room and handing her back to Maya. “She seems perfectly healthy. A little dehydrated, but her diaper was wet so I’m not worried about severe dehydration as long as she keeps eating. Keep an eye on her diapers though, make sure what's going in is coming out.”

Diapers, okay, check. Maya Could keep an eye on that. There had to be some kind of baby tracking app, right? Ooh or a clipboard...this seemed like a job for the clipboard.

“I’m assuming she hasn’t been to the pediatrician yet. Most peds want to see the baby the day after hospital discharge. I’d be happy to recommend one if you’d like, but I don't think there are any immediate concerns you'd have to bring her to the hospital for tonight. She should be seen by someone tomorrow, though.”

Maya looked down at the baby in her arms and smiled. She looked much better now. Smelled it too. “Thank-you, Ben.” She said softly. Accepting help was still hard. It no longer made her want to claw her way out of her own skin, but it still didn’t feel good. Asking for help was even worse. “Not just for checking her over and cleaning her up, but for offering to help. I appreciate it.”

• Car seat

“Of course,” Ben smiled. “Anything for family.”

Family. Right. Maya didn't want to dwell on that.

"You're sure she's okay, though? I don't need to take her to the hospital? Maybe I should take her anyway."

"I think she'll be fine." Ben smiled reassuringly and Maya felt herself believing him. He was a doctor, a father, a paramedic, a straight shooter kind of guy. He would tell her if he was worried about anything. "But if you're concerned, take her to the hospital. They would rather see five hundred healthy babies than miss one who needs help. But...just know they will poke and prod her and take blood, start an IV. She's a newborn so they will be extra careful and extra thorough. It will probably be traumatic. For both of you, and...no disrespect, but I think Carly's day has been traumatic enough. And right now, it's my medical opinion that she just needs to be fed every two to three hours, even if that means waking her. She needs to feel safe. She needs stability."

Maya couldn't help but think that that last fact ruled her right out.

"I think the doctor can wait until morning," Ben continued. "Unless..."

"Unless what?" Maya asked, immediately panicking. So she was right. Something was wrong.

"Unless...you aren't going to take her." Ben said slowly. "Then, yes, we would treat this like any other newborn surrender and due to the...state...of the person who brought her in and her not being fed for potentially many hours then yeah. We'd take her to the hospital."

Maya's phone still laid motionless beside her. Carina hadn't responded. To her credit, she didn't know what was going on, but still. She hadn't responded. Could Maya deal with the downfall of her marriage, of her non-legal separation becoming legal and permanent? Of a divorce and raising a baby on her own? Maya honestly didn't know, but what she did know was that there was a baby in her arms right now. Her niece. Her family. Potentially the only family she had left that didn't come with a bucket load of trauma attached. She couldn't let her go. Even if she had to do this alone, she would do it. She just hoped she didn't have to do it alone.

"I...I'm going to keep her," she said confidently. "At least for tonight." She added, less than confidently. "I need to talk to my wife and-and the social worker, but for tonight...I'm going to take her home." She could do this. Maybe if she thought it enough, she would believe it.

Andy squeezed her shoulder and Maya looked around to smiles on everyone's faces.
Ho-ly shit.

“Okay, I’ll go check the closet,” Vic offered, squatting down to lay a soft hand on the baby’s head and…smell her? That couldn’t be right, but yep, she did it again. Vic was not being shy about it either. “Oh God, the new baby smell. Yeah I need to get out of here. I’m going to go check the baby stash and see what we have. I know for a fact there’s a pack ‘n play in there.”

They always kept a stash of baby supplies for emergencies or newborn surrenders. Newborn surrenders were extremely rare, but it often took a while for someone to be able to come and pick them up, so they had a little of everything. The pack ‘n play wasn’t a permanent solution. It would have to be returned, but it would work until Maya figured out a more permanent sleeping solution. 

She tried not to freak out over the fact that she now had to figure out a permanent sleeping arrangement. For a newborn. In her home. In her life.

• Bed

“Thank-you, Vic.” Maya called after with tears in her eyes. It wasn’t that she thought her colleagues hated her. Not since she was demoted from captain, anyway. Then they definitely hated her. Well, Andy hated her. Then Vic, Travis and Jack sort of followed. Well Jack….well Jack was complicated. Sullivan didn’t hate her then and Theo wasn’t yet a part of 19, but Sullivan definitely hated her not long after. Justifiably so, but he still did. Maya hated that she thought it was only a matter of time until Theo found something to hate her about too.

None of their relationships had been repaired. Not even a little bit. Everything had been just moved on from and not talked about. Which had been fine with Maya. She was the last person to ever ask to talk about feelings, but it did leave her feeling that this group of people who had once been her family hadn’t been for a long time. 

Maybe she wasn’t so fine with not talking about it anymore. 

Another thing to add to the ever-growing list of things to work through in therapy.

The fact that there was a list in and of itself was something for Maya to be damn proud of. Not that there was a list because she was Maya ‘Queen of the Clipboard’ Bishop and she had a list for everything, but that she was admitting to everything not being as fine as she had claimed it was. She was finding parts of her life that did not spark joy as they say and was willingly bringing them to Diane to talk about and try to make better. She was actively trying to get better and allowing herself to be proud of any positive step she took. They were good things. Not the failures she once thought.

It was a work in progress. Decades of trauma, harmful coping skills and triggers couldn’t be unlearned overnight, but Maya could allow herself to be proud of how far she had already come. Baby steps.

“And then what?” Maya asked no one in particular, needing to get up and do something. “I need to call the social worker. Where did the bag go?”

Travis reached out and stilled Maya’s hands with his own, at some point having crossed the room. “It’s almost 9 o’clock at night, Maya. You can call her tomorrow.”

Andy laid a hand on Maya’s forearm and Maya knew, she knew, that they were trying to be helpful and comforting, but their hands on her made her feel trapped and cornered and before she could tell herself to breathe through it, she was up out of her seat and pacing a strip of the floor away from everyone. 

“It’ll be okay, Maya.” 

Maya looked across the room and shook her head. Did Jack not see what was going on here? Did he not know what a mess she was? Did they all not see what was going on here? It was so far from okay. Just as she was starting to feel like she was getting her legs back under her after her accident and everything that had led up to it, another thing she hadn’t anticipated was thrown at her.

“I don’t know the first thing about babies. And-and yes, Carina and I were trying to have one, but that was supposed to give me nine months to get used to the idea and to prepare. I have no way of contacting my brother. I have no idea where he’s staying. What do I-”

“You take it one step at a time, Maya.” Andy said. “It’s one night. Right now, it’s just one night. Then tomorrow you call the social worker, and you figure out a plan. You can handle one night, right?”

Maya was unsure if she could handle an hour never mind an entire night. She felt unsure and scared and overwhelmed and more than anything she wanted her wife’s cool under pressure mentality to tell her what to do and hold her tight. Feeling that did not make her weak, she heard in a voice that sounded like a mix between Diane and her wife and she tried to listen. She really did, but she was under unprecedented pressure and her newfound coping skills weren’t yet strong enough to fight their way to the surface of all the noise in her head. 

It had been years since she had allowed herself to feel these emotions. Since she hadn’t fought and pushed everything so far down she could pretend they didn’t exist. Maya shook her head and fought past the nausea building in her stomach. She was not weak for having emotions. She was not weak for showing her feelings. She was not weak. She was not weak.

“This is your niece, Maya.”

Maya looked down at the baby in her arms who was blissfully unaware of the turmoil around her. Finally feeling full and clean and secure for the first time in Maya didn’t want to know how long. Potentially her entire short life. A small smile crept over her face when Maya realized it was due to her. Everything around her was shit, but she had taken Carly in her arms and immediately made everything better. She’d fed her and held her close, and it was what Carly had needed and it wasn’t so bad.

“Your blood,” Andy continued. “Your family.”

You are my family, Bambina.

Maya looked back down and ran her hand through soft mousy brown curls. It had been hard to tell with her hair sweat soaked to her head, but Carly had a lot of hair. Mason had been bald until he was nearly three, but little Maya had come into this world with a mop of blonde hair on her head. Was it wrong to hope that Carly got that from her? That there was some family gene that was only shared between them? Now that her skin wasn’t red and sweaty, and she wasn’t screaming herself hoarse, Maya could see how cute she was. With these round chipmunk cheeks, long eyelashes and bright red lips.

How could something so tiny and sweet make her want to throw up?

A gentle had pulled her back before she could spiral and this time it didn’t make her want to pull away. Andy was trying. If Maya wanted Carina to see she was trying and let her back in, she had to acknowledge when others were trying and let them back in too. Not everyone was out to get her. It was okay to let people in. “Call your wife.”

“Andy,” The tears sprung to Maya’s eyes. 

“We were happy. And you created chaos. We-we were making a baby. I had just gotten my green card. We…. had happiness and you needed to wreck it. You need to look into that. You need to do something.”
“I need to what?”
“To fix it. You…I…I can…I can’t live like that. I can’t make a baby with that.”
“Oh, with-with that?”
“Yes. With you, like that. If we’re going to have a baby together, you need to get help.”
“If?”

There it was. There was the root of Maya’s baby anxiety. The seed of doubt Carina planted that was at the forefront of her mind anytime she saw or heard a baby. Anytime anyone mentioned anything to do with babies, anytime she so much as saw a diaper commercial on TV. What was screaming at her the second she saw her brother standing there with this baby. Carina had said she didn’t want a baby with her. It was said in the heat of the moment. Carina had been justifiably frustrated, and Maya knew full well how much you say when you’re angry that you don’t totally, completely mean, but she also knew that you kind of did. Carina had meant it.

Rationally Maya knew Carina was trying to get her to get help and she knew it had made her feel like Carina was telling her that she wasn’t good enough to have a baby with, that it was another failure. That Maya was another failure. Their marriage, their life together, their future family…all failures. Rationally she knew it wasn’t like that. Carina hadn’t meant it like that. Her wife meant that she didn’t want to have a baby with Maya when she was consumed by and creating more chaos around her. No that she didn’t want to have a baby with Maya at all. 

Carina had been trying to help her, but at the time it hadn’t felt anything like it was intended and so the words still felt twisted in her mind. They still hurt. They gave Maya massive doubts that Carina would want anything to do with the baby in her arms.

Another addition to Diane’s list.

“What if she doesn’t want to help me?” Maya asked softly. So softly that only Andy could hear her. 

“Then you have us,” Andy assured her former best friend. “We’ve got your back. Always.”

Maya cursed the tear that fell down her cheek, digging into Diane’s box of tricks and using a breathing technique she taught her. Crying was not a weakness. Showing emotion was not a weakness. Being overwhelmed was not a weakness.

Determined faces looked back at her from around the room, but Maya didn’t trust them. If she was honest with herself, she hadn’t for a long time. Not since her captaincy. Not since they had made her life hell and iced her out. But then hadn’t she turned around and done the same thing? They all had things to make up for. Maybe this was a start. “Thank you,” Is what finally came out. Simple. To the point. They were trying, she had to give them that. It didn't mean she trusted them. “Holy shit I kind of have a baby now.”

“You kind of do,” Theo agreed with a smile. “But hey, at least she’s cute.”

“Hell of a set of lungs.” Sullivan added, making Maya chuckle to herself as watched Carly grip her finger tightly, feeling the grip around her chest.

“Go, go,” Andy instructed, taking the sleeping baby from Maya’s arms and pushing Vic away with her elbow. “You have some shopping to do. I’ll talk to Beckett-”

“I’m still at work.” Maya exclaimed, having just realized she was in the middle of her shift. If the fact that her first thought through all of this wasn’t work didn’t show that she was making real progress on herself, nothing would. “I can’t-”

“You can and you will,” Jack said, taking Maya by the hand and, gently, pushing her out of the lounge. “You’re on desk duty and it’s almost ten. You can go.”

Maya resisted the urge to dig her heels in and maybe, probably, smack Jack upside the head. Desk duty sucked and was a waste of her skills, more or less completely pointless overnight and probably a way for Beckett to keep punishing her, but Jack didn’t need to point it out. “We’ll explain the situation. Just go.”

With a resigned sigh Maya turned and headed to the stairs, before making a U-turn and popping her head back in, smiling as she saw Andy and Vic gently pushing and pulling at each other as they fought for Carly. “What’s open right now?”

“McDonalds?”
“Gas station.”

Maya sent Theo and Sullivan highly unimpressed looks. “That would have what I need.” She clarified.

“Target.” Travis offered. "24 hours."

“Oh! Right!” Maya turned back around. “Thanks!”

Relinquishing the baby to Vic, Andy watched Maya disappear from view, a surge of pride making her smile. The old Maya would be having a panic attack right now and definitely would’ve turned around and hit Jack. The old Maya never would’ve left during her shift. Never for anything less than life or death. It was clear that Maya was working hard on herself, that she was making conscious choices to do better.

But…
And there was a big but…
But this situation would knock anyone on their ass and Andy prayed Maya was strong enough to get through it.

With a determined nod she turned back to her team. “She’s going to need help. We all have to step up. We've really messed up with Maya this past…” She thought for a moment and shook her head. “For a long time now. We need to do better. . . 19!”

“19!”

Carly startled at the sudden loud noise and immediately started crying. Vic bounced her gently as she handed her over to the next set of arms out for her. “Aww little one.” Travis coed softly, taking the offered pacifier from Vic. “We are not a quiet bunch. You’ll get used to it.” Travis settled the baby quickly and once back to a peaceful sleep Carly got passed around to everyone in the room. Hearts were melted, pictures were taken. 

“I know Maya has to be petrified, but this is exciting.” Vic said, reaching a hand out to help as Jack awkwardly pass Carly to Andy. “It’s been so long since the station had a baby.”

Andy scrunched her nose as the rather unpleasant smell that wafted up. 
The smell quickly traveled across the room. “Yeah, she seems really excited.” Sullivan joked.

“Aww look at that, sweet girl. Tio Sully volunteered to change your diaper. Isn't that nice of him?”

There was some lighthearted teasing and laughing as Sullivan took the baby to another room to change her. Then the room grew quiet.

“We’re all on shift tonight.” Vic began. "If Carina doesn’t go home, we can’t help Maya.”

“Okay 19 let’s think about this,” Andy began. “We know a lot of people. Mostly other emergency personnel and doctors so a lot of people who are working tonight too, but also people with kids or who at least know their way around a baby. Who can we call if we need to?”

“I’m pretty sure Miranda is all sorts of on that.” Ben explained with a chuckle. “I don’t remember her exact words, but it’s safe to say that as soon as we hung up, she was going to hunt Carina down. Probably kick her ass all the way back to their apartment if she has to.”

“And if that doesn’t work?” Jack asked. 

Ben smiled sadly. No one had any idea how this would go. It was clear the two women loved each other beyond measure, but equally as clear that there was so much hurt. Definitely too much to overcome if they never took the time to talk to one another. “If that doesn’t work and I know my wife, which I do, she will go help Maya herself. She worked a shift in her new clinic today, so she's technically off now just doing some paperwork and restocking. It won't be a problem if she has to leave."

“Your wife is a badass, man.” Theo chuckled.

Ben laughed. “Don’t I know it.”

“What about your kids?” Vic asked, her mind always wanting to make sure Pru was cared for.

“Taken care of, don’t worry. Regardless of whether or not Carina goes home, Maya and Carly will not be alone tonight.”

“Holy shit Maya has a kid.” Jack said. It was wild. They all knew she and Carina had been trying, but actually seeing Maya Bishop with a tiny baby in her arms was something else. There was no doubt she was absolutely freaked out, but there was something else they saw. Whether Maya knew it or not, she was a natural. A baby looked good on her.