Ass Guard
Getting everybody he didn't want there out of his tower and his hair turned out to be difficult.
Considering how hard it had been to keep them around the fist time, Tony was disgusted: He'd stopped playing hard to get with the ladies years ago, he had not even thought it would have worked with the Avengers.
Thankfully, the FBI came to the rescue, since flavor of the day in government agencies was to crack down on the unlawful organisation that played with nuke codes.
Surprise.
So the agents rounded the SHIELD bunch under Tony's watchful eye, as the billionaire recalled how well Crapstain Idiot reacted to actual law enforcement. Bucharest, anyone?
But of course, since his BFF wasn't involved, Rogers kept it on the low grade, just his usual *Captain America is disappointed in you* schtick. Barton was more vocal... But honestly, who cared? In the end, the Widow decided to go with the flow, obviously thinking she would walk in the end, but not wanting to make waves just in case.
Bruce Banner, like Tony, was not considered to be in SHIELD employ so he was left to sleep it of... Especially as Tony helpfully pointed out that being woken up now might not put him in the best mood.
In the end, Dr Selvig volunteered to join, mostly to warn his fellow scientist that they, in fact, were NOT working for any government body whatsoever.
That left the Alien contingent under Tony's supervision and responsibly, more or less.
Thor predictably had to show how much growing he'd done in new mexico and how capable of independent thinking he now was by immediately trying to jump his "brother" with the set of chains, plan which kinda backfired when Loki dissolved, leaving the God of Jocks face first in broken bottles, glasses... and bar, much to Tony's irritation.
"All right, that does it. You get out of my house right this minute."
"Have a care how you speak, Man of Iron." The stench of mixed alcohols drenching the cape didn't really help the God effect. Tony particularly liked the decorative effects of the pimented olives that had gotten stuck in chainmail. Very chic.
"Or what? Since we met, you attacked and insulted me, and you're now destroying my house. I'm supposed to take it and like it because you're Asgard crown Prince or some shit like that? This is my house, my planet, and I'll speak as I damm well like, thankyouverymuch. Now scoot."
"But my brother..."
"Your brother, not being an idiot, obviously saw this coming. Which, not really surprising, since even if only half of the Norse myths I read are right, your friggin' family threw him under the bus and/or betrayed him on the regular."
"You have no idea. My brother..."
"Loki, half crazed and under mind control, had more manners than you do. Not sure your mother would approve of that."Tony smirked a bit as the god looked suitably chastized. He poured himself a glass of one of the survivors, raised an eyebrow "Still here?"
"I don't know where..."
"Well, Odin wants the Tessaract... Which should be with Fury, on the helicarrier. I suggest you get there before some government official gets their hands on it and ties it down with red tape or you may never see Asgard again. Oh, and one last thing: I have no idea where your brother got to, but next time someone throws an accusation at him, consider asking for proof. It may improve your relations TONS."
"I don't..."
Tony slanted a look at one of JARVIS cameras, so the AI played the "he's adopted" bit. Thor looked briefly uneasy, but rallied fast.
"Lady Nathasha said..."
"I heard. Also heard you required no proof or explanations before dumping brother dearest in the next sentence."
"I should have? Lady Natasha..." Tony snorted.
"Romanov is a spy and a professional murderer who will lie to anyone and everyone, you included, to further her goals. Case in point, as far as I can tell, most of the 80 deaths she tacked on Loki where the ones that occurred when SHIELD didn't evacuate the base your brother landed in time, since Fury was too busy trying to retrieve the Tessaract to care for his own people. Word of advice, Thor: When dealing with those two, you can safely assume every other word that comes out of their mouths is a lie, and you won't be too far of the mark."
"Oh, like my brother then..." At Tony's quite flabbergasted expression, the god felt the need to explain "As he's the god of lies..."
Thankfully, a few years dealing with Rogers level of stupidity, not to mention a lifetime of board meetings had armed the billionaire well, so he gifted the god with his most obnoxious smirk.
"Oh, is he now?"
Thor looked surprised for a few seconds, then turned a quite ugly shade of red.
Mjolnir crackled, Tony heard the slightly squishy noise of Goose unfurling tentacles behind him. The god of Blunders shook himself and marched to the platform without any further comments, launching himself in the sky.
The helicarrier was in for a bumpy ride, if the thing was still airborne.
He turned around to the sound of a golf clap.
"Congratulations, Anthony. I think you managed to rile up Thor faster than I usually do, and I've had centuries of practice. Invoking Frigga's displeasure was a masterful touch." The Trickster looked quite appreciative. He'd also traded his Asgardian leathers for a conservative cut suit of a green so dark it was almost black the billionaire found familiar.
"Saville Row, Davies & Son? Nice. I suspected you'd been here before."
"Well, it's not like I could schedule the three necessary fittings since I've crashed here, now could I? Busy purposefully failing to achieve world domination and all that." Loki smiled sharply and rebuild the bar with a negligent wave of is hand. Tony felt a tingle along his spine, a mix of excitement and, yes, a bit of fear. This was a Loki he didn't know, never seen... And wasn't that *Interesting*?
"And yes, I've been here before. One has to, actually, since Midgard is the gateway to the Universe."
"Come again?"
Goose jumped on the bar and meowed imperiously at the trickster who blinked "Yes, I don't suppose Thor would have explained even if he had more than the roughest idea of how it all works... So, tell me, Man of Iron: What do you know about Ygdrasil?"
"Err, not all that much, really. Norse cosmology?"Goose huffed and looked pointedly at Loki, a clear order if there was ever one.
"In a sense... And what do you know about galactic collapse?"
"Not much either." The billionaire admitted."I am an engineer, not an astrophysicist. Do I need to be? Because we could reconvene in 24 hours...Or you could talk to Thor's girlfriend."
"Thor got himself a human scientist girlfriend? Wild wonders will never cease."The tone was exceedingly sardonic.
"You're objecting to Human, Scientist, or Girlfriend in there?" Tony inquired and the Trickster gave him a somewhat exasperated look.
"Scientist. What can she see in that oaf?"
"Female nerds are not immune to the power of a well toned butt, Reindeer Games... And yours is fine too, now don't get jealous. Can we go back to the galactic thingy?"
Goose sighed and smacked him with a soft paw, like an unruly kitten, as the God of Mischief giggled softly.
"Aren't you a delight? So... galactic collapse... Also known as Ragnarok or what happens when a cluster of stars turn into red giants more or less a the same time close to the nuclear bulge. I hope you can deduce what's going to happen?"
"The mother of all Kabooms?"
"Quite."Loki said a bit drily "That's what happened to the constellation the nine realms were originally from."
"Hold on a minute! You all moved? How do you move around whole sola systems?!" Tony was literally on the edge of his seat, vibrating with excitment, as the Trickster smiled and wiggled his fingers
"Magic." Tony made a totally exasperated sound, so the God relented "Nobody knows how they did it. Not any more. First, it was really a long time ago, and second, History is not a subject considered worth studying in Asgard outside of the heroic deeds of Odin and his forebears. But they must have needed technology AND magic, since most of what I found about it was on Svartálfaheimr and Alfheim, and it wasn't much as to that.
It is the reason why Asgard is not an actual planet, though.
Also, it was not possible to move all this on the same plane of existence without disrupting the equilibrium of the universe, so the Nine exist on another plane of existence, anchored to the rest of the Universe via Midgard."
"Like one of your pocket dimensions, but on a gigantic scale, then?"
The God mulled that for a moment before the green eyes widened a bit "Probably exactly like that... It is a simple solution, but it could work..." He vinced a bit "Doing that must have killed a LOT of mages, though... Anyway, for any resident of the Nine realms, access to the rest of the Universe can only be done via Midgard. Also, not exactly encouraged."
"Wich meant you did it at every opportunity." Tony pointed out and Loki had a thin smile.
"More and more as the centuries went by, since my other choices were trying to ingratiate myself to Odin by taking on all the boring stuff Thor was supposed to do as Crown Prince but didn't... Or join said crown prince to one more hunting party or one more hare brained scheme to kill someone or something that probably didn't deserve it, but was going to bring "Glory." Since Thor used to tell me about those before hand, because Norns forbid he would admit I was useful in any capacity..."
"But he sort of did."
"Probably. Also, one of the first time I got really punished by Odin, was when I stayed home, Thor got his ass handed to him in one of his little adventures and I was tried for treason because I wasn't there to save him... with my useless *tricks*. Lesson learned. As for the hunting parties, there's only so many bilgesnipes you can watch die, in my opinion... So, since I'm one of the very few people who is not dependent on the Bifrost to space travel, I did make and increasing number of trips to Midgard."
"And go figure; you never tried world domination..." Tony mused. Loki pointed an elegant finger toward the kitteh of Doom who was lounging on the bar between them in all her orange glory.
"I always one for mischief, not revolution... And do recognize a golden opportunity when I see one."
Gold? Someone said gold? Yeah, snack time!
"Mrreoow?"