Heaven Knows
The next morning, Bucky woke up in a cold bed. Steve left a message on his phone.
SS: Went on a jog with Sam.
Bucky rolled out of bed. He preferred sparring with Natasha. Other times, he'd sit with Natasha and just converse in Russian. She knew what Hydra did to him. The KGB was no kinder to her. He sent her a message and decided to meet her in the gym. He needed a workout after the "workout" from last night. He also needed to get stuff off his chest.
~
"A pup, huh?" Sam huffed after their jog.
"He's pulling all the stops to avoid knocking me up." Steve muttered. "Then he tells me about this nightmare."
"I think he's in the right to feel like this."
"I understand it too. I'm just lost on how to deal with it."
"Steve, look, he was under Hydra for seventy years. I mean I don't want to say it but is there a possibility that he may not be able to knock you up?"
"You think Hydra did something like...that?"
"I don't know. It would explain his bad reaction to you wanting a pup."
Steve went quiet for a long while. Bucky won't talk about Hydra most of the time. Sometimes he might mention something but he mostly keeps it to himself.
"Am I being selfish?" Steve asked.
"I won't say selfish but you guys aren't on the same chapter, ya know?" Sam reassured. "You gotta get on the same page. Then, you go from there."
"Then may I be honest?"
"Sure."
~
"You doing better, soldat?" Natasha asked.
Bucky punched the punching bag as hard as he could. Thank god for Stark for making the bags stronger. Bucky and Steve keep beating them off the hook and into the walls.
"Not really." Bucky muttered.
"Want to talk about it?" Natasha asked.
"Not really but I will."
"Go on, tell Mama Widow."
"What in the hell, Natalia?"
"Just tell me."
Bucky rolled his eyes but took the deepest breath he could.
"Steve wants a pup but I just can't do it." Bucky admitted. "I know he's not sick anymore but god, I can't help but think of our little Sarah."
"That's understandable. You lost a baby." Natasha soothed.
"But I'm a little...annoyed."
"How so?"
"Steve, god. He just keeps trying."
"He wants you to be happy."
"You know what he said?"
"What?"
"I'll suffer for you."
Natasha crooked her head.
"When he was pregnant before, that's what he said. 'I'll suffer fro you. And this pup.' Let me tell you, if I could go back and stop it, I would have. Steve shouldn't suffer. He doesn't deserve it." Bucky sighed.
"And you feel like your nightmare will be a reality." Natasha nodded.
"I mean think about it. I still have these nightmares. I twitch in my sleep. I still hear their voices. I'm never going to be okay. One day, I might kill Steve and I don't know if I'd ever forgive myself if I hurt our pup. Don't get me wrong, T'Challa has done wonders but it's never going to go away."
"But you're better than you used to be. That has to count for something. And you'll never be alone. You and I both know what it felt like to be on your own. Even if we were controlled. You don't need to be afraid to feel. Steve will be there. He went to hell and back for you."
"I know."
"I'm not saying giving him a pup is to repay him for all of it but I'm telling you to give him what he can get, you know?"
"I know."
~
"I think I might be pregnant." Steve whimpered.
"I'd say congrats but something is stopping me from saying it." Sam frowned.
"What am I going to do? Buck may it clear he couldn't handle this."
"Steve.."
"It was an accident, I swear. I wanted a pup with Bucky but God, not again."
"Steve, it'll be okay."
"God, maybe I'm being stupid. I can't go through this a third time."
Sam arched an eyebrow. "Third?"
Steve covered his mouth with his hand. He didn't mean it. God, he didn't mean it.
"Steve, what the hell are you talking about?" Sam pushed Steve to talk.
"When I came out of the ice, I found out I was a few weeks pregnant with Buck's pup." Steve admitted. "Then the invasion happened and I lost it."
"How did you..."
"Take a guess, Sam."
"Does Bucky know?"
"No, this was before I even knew he was alive. And after everything we've been through, what do you think this will do to him?"
"You gotta tell Bucky about this one at least."
"I know but I'm scared. What if he won't love me anymore? All I ever do is hurt Buck when I love him."
Sam didn't know what to say. He was a beta. He didn't know what it was like to have this tragic love that Bucky and Steve had. All he could do is be a friend and pat him on the back, telling him he's there no matter what. It wasn't much but it was enough for Steve to take a deep breath.