Anything For You
The silence is deafening. Steve can't stand it. He holds his stomach. He feels like he was small again. He didn't think about it. He was so consumed with his desire for a pup that he never once considered that Bucky would be afraid. He used to be more considerate. Back then, when he was sick, he had been so afraid to tell Bucky at first. He knew a baby was impossible back then but when Bucky kissed him after sharing the news, he felt he could have survived it. But of course, life is never kind. His stomach felt twisted. God, he loved Bucky so much. He really did. He curled up on their bed, holding himself. Bucky was going to stop loving him. What if Bucky decided to sever the bond? Steve sobbed at the thought. He couldn't lose Bucky again.
Steve thinks about their unborn baby a lot. He remembers how Bucky used to always have his head on his stomach. How he used to always talk to Steve's stomach. When that baby became a reality, nothing was suddenly cruel to them. But that bliss only lasted four months. It wasn't fair. Steve didn't even get the chance to look moderately round. Just barely. They had just found out that Steve was going to give Bucky a baby girl. They dreamed of what she was going to look like. They even had a name picked out when his body killed her.
Steve remembers the crying. He cried so much he's surprised his lungs didn't collapse. Bucky never cried though. He spent all their time, comforting Steve. Telling him it wasn't his fault. But god, Steve knew it was his fault. How was he supposed to take care of their baby when he couldn't take care of his own fragile body? After he got the serum and they were reunited during the war. They made love that night Steve had rescued Bucky and those men. Steve had wanted Bucky to heal up but Bucky needed him. Bucky was his alpha and Steve would do anything for his alpha. They didn't have condoms at the time so Bucky would always pull out. Steve hated that. He hated the condoms. He hated Bucky's refusal at having another pup. At the time, during the war, it was understandable but they talked about after the war. Steve was going to keep Bucky safe. They were going to get a nice house in Brooklyn. Bucky wanted to keep being a soldier. Steve was going to keep being Captain America. Steve even wanted to marry Bucky. But all those dreams burned when Bucky fell from the train. His mark hurt for a long time after that. Alcohol couldn't numb it. It was only the second worse pain he ever felt.
The third pain he'd ever feel in his life was when he woke up in the future and found out he was pregnant with Bucky's pup for the second time.
But like the first time, it didn't last long. After he woke up, aliens invaded and he lost the pup when he had been blasted in the abdomen by a Chitauri during the invasion of New York. He knew right away but he had to keep fighting. He didn't tell anyone he was pregnant. When he finally found a moment of silence, he grieved. He lost everyone when he woke up in the future and for a moment, he wasn't alone but it was taken from him in a blink of an eye. It was like losing Bucky all over again. He moved on eventually. Then Bucky was revealed to be alive but Hydra had gotten a hold of him. Steve remembers the begging. The obsession for Bucky to remember they were mates. Bucky wasn't who he used to be. He's slowly trying now but back then, Hydra had ripped him apart. He remembers telling Bucky he loved him as Bucky just screamed at him and said Steve was his mission.
Steve shook his head. That's all in the past now. He never told Bucky about the second pregnancy. They were finally in a good place and Steve wanted to finally have a pup with the man he loved. He knew marriage may not be in the cards but he wanted to give Bucky a pup at least. Bucky's rejection broke him though. He knows Bucky is always going to struggle but he still pushed. Steve rubbed his mark. He was afraid Bucky wasn't going to love him anymore. He was afraid he was a bad Omega. Steve gripped onto his mark. He just loved Bucky so much. He had been in love with Bucky since they were kids. Back when they didn't even know what love was. Steve had loved Bucky before he even heard of love. Steve just kept holding himself. Why did Steve always hurt Bucky by loving him?
"Steve." Bucky's voice suddenly broke the silence.
"Buck?" Steve whimpered, never moving.
Bucky laid on the bed, curling up behind Steve. Steve turned around to face his beloved alpha. He needed to see Bucky's face.
"I'm sorry." Steve caressed Bucky's face.
"It's okay. I was in the wrong." Bucky kissed the palm of Steve's shaken hand.
"I should have known better."
"Steve, we're not who we used to be. And you know I'll never be completely fixed again."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Bucky pressed his lips against Steve's needy ones.
"Do you want a pup?" Steve whispered.
"I don't know how to answer that." Bucky sighed into Steve's neck. "But I love you more than anything."
"If you don't want a pup, it's okay."
"I know you want a pup, Steve."
"I've had time to myself. I shouldn't have pushed it. I'll suffer for you. I just want to make you happy."
I'll suffer for you. And this pup.
Bucky rolled on top of Steve and began to kiss him passionately. He didn't want to hear that. The last time he said that, he did suffer for him and the pup they lost. He didn't want to make Steve suffer anymore. All he ever did now was hurt Steve. God, Bucky loved Steve so much.
"You'll let me inside?" Bucky begged against Steve's lips.
"Anything for you, alpha." Steve panted.
Bucky opened their nightstand and pulled out a condom. Steve hid his disappointment and opened himself for his lover. Then they made love all night long.