I'm Not Okay
Bucky spends some time in the bathroom, trying to calm himself. All he can think about is the nightmare. The silent baby. His metal hand on Steve's throat. He thought he was over all of this but it still haunts him. Everything still haunts him. He eventually calms down enough to be able to walk out of the bathroom. Steve is sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting in silence. He doesn't lift his head when he hears Bucky walk towards him. His omega instincts are getting to him. He thinks he disappointed Bucky. He thinks he did something wrong. Bucky rubs his face with his hands. He knows what Steve is doing. They're both still naked. Steve is still a mess.
"Steve." Bucky spoke his name.
Steve didn't move. He wouldn't budge. He disappointed his Alpha.
"Steve." Bucky growls.
That time, Steve flinched. But he kept his head down. He waited.
"Omega." Bucky showed teeth this time.
He cups Steve's face roughly and forced his blue eyes to look into his dark ones.
"Alpha." Steve whines.
"You look at me when I am speaking to you." Bucky said in a low voice.
"I'm sorry, Alpha. I'm so sorry."
"Why wouldn't you look at me?"
"I disappointed you. I made you angry."
"You could never, Stevie."
"I can make it up to you."
"Steve, just stop. I ruined everything for us."
Bucky pulled away and Steve stood up and grabbed Bucky's metal arm.
"Was it me?" Steve whimpered. "I'm sorry, Bucky. I didn't mean to."
"Stevie.." Bucky puts his flesh hand on Steve's face. "It wasn't you. It's me."
"It was another nightmare, wasn't it?"
"It's nothing."
"That wasn't nothing, Buck. You used our safeword. You never use the safeword. And I ignored it."
"I mean you were pretty fucked, Steve. I'm surprised you were able to even move your hips still."
"Bucky, tell me. Why did you safeword?"
Bucky bit his lip. He hated that he was still this way. After all this time.
"I had a nightmare." Bucky leaned his head against Steve's neck.
"Was it Hydra again?" Steve embraced Bucky. "It's okay."
"It wasn't any of the usual nightmares. It was a new one."
Steve pulled Bucky to bed and sat next to him on the edge.
"What was the nightmare?" Steve was worried, never letting go of Bucky's hand.
"We had a pup." Bucky's voice almost cracked. "A little girl with dark hair and bright blue eyes. She looked like you except for my hair. We were happy. It was nice."
"Buck.."
"Then, I blinked and she wasn't saying anything. She was in her crib, completely silent. And my metal hand was around your throat, Stevie. And I was killing you. After I had killed our pup."
Steve hugged Bucky tight. Tears fell down Bucky's face as he held onto Steve as tight as he could.
"It's okay, Bucky." Steve soothed him. "It was just a dream."
"It's more than that." Bucky pulled away.
"Bucky, you're doing just fine."
"I know you want a pup but I can't."
"Buck, I'm not who I used to be. I can handle it this time. We can do this."
"Steve, just stop. I'm not okay."