Saviors

Steve was being suspicious lately. It was just a few days past our little sleepover event, and I felt an unusual distance between us. I found Steve acting a bit more awkward than he normally was, and we had only had one meal together for the past few days.

Normally we tried to eat at least dinner together, although it wasn’t some spoken thing. We just kind of spent the nights together in the living room or kitchen of the facility. It was like a routine; get up, train, shower, work, lunch, work, dinner and something fun with Steve. Sometimes on the weekends we would make drinks.

Thor was nice enough to send Steve some of his Asgaurdian ale every once in a while, so Steve was actually able to enjoy himself.

Regardless, we usually spent the nights in the same general area as each other, even if I was reading and Steve was sketching. We may be doing something separately, but it still felt as though we were together.

Basically, I’ve been missing Steve lately. I texted him yesterday to ask where he’s been, and he told me that he was working on something important. It was a fairly weak response.

As I made a quick sandwich, I decided that maybe I should bring Steve a snack, so I quickly stacked together another and headed over to him. Before I got over to his desk from the kitchen, I heard him talking on the phone.

“No, I know,” He let out a sigh and I sneaked around the corner to get a peek at him. He was seated at his desk with his phone pressed to his ear. I recently was able to get him into smart phones, despite his hesitant attitude towards “new” technology.

“Look, I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to catch up, grab a drink or something,” I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t explain the feelings I had for Steve. I knew who he was talking to on the other line.

Sharon Carter.

While I had nothing against Sharon, I felt that her relationship with Steve was always off. On paper everything made sense for them. They were both attractive, smart, and strong-willed. They never seemed to quite find their footing though. After the snap in Wakanda, Steve tried to make amends with Sharon. She understood why he had to leave after the huge fight with Tony back in 2016, but things were never the same between them. They briefly tried dating again when we got back to New York a few years ago, but things were too different. They dated for maybe 4 months or so after the snap until things ended amicably.

I looked at Steve’s computer screen and I noticed that he was on the website of a high-end restaurant downtown. It seemed like a bit more than just drinks.

I couldn’t help but feel saddened. I knew that Steve was making the wrong decision calling her up again, but I could understand it. He liked things that were familiar. He liked comfort.

“Okay, well let me know what you’re thinking and give me a call,” He said, rolling his chair away from the desk.

I tried to sneak away as best as I could, but before I could escape from an even more awkward time with Steve, he must have heard or seen me.

“Nat? Is that you?” I heard him stand up and stopped in my tracks. He moved around the bend of the room to see me standing with my back facing him.

I mumbled a profanity under my breath before turning around, “Yeah, uh, I was just stopping by to say hello.”

Seriously, I couldn’t come up with anything better than ‘saying hello?’ I honestly was a little ashamed of myself, but Steve could get me like that sometimes. I dropped my guard around him.

“Really?” He said as I turned around to face him, “Then why is it that you have two sandwiches in your hands, hmm?” He was playful and cute, and I couldn’t help but feel his warmth, but his phone call to Sharon really threw me off.

“Oh, right, I was just seeing if you wanted one. You’ve been working so late and everything, I can just leave it and go,” I said, moving towards his desk, setting down the plate that held this mediocre dinner.

“Oh, no, I was just finishing up,” He said, moving over towards me to grab the plate, “Why don’t we watch a movie or something?”

I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. I’m not sure if it was Steve avoiding me, his phone call to his ex, or his general switch in attitude, but something was off.

“I think I’m just going to turn in early actually, I was just making dinner quick so I figured I would drop something off. I’m feeling pretty tired,” I said. I watched as his face dropped from a happy-go-lucky Steve to a confused and upset Steve.

I knew I was making him unhappy, but I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. He was trying to take Sharon out to a fancy restaurant just a few minutes ago. Was I supposed to ignore that? I wasn’t about to be played by Steve, if you could call it that.

“Oh,” He replied, putting the plate back down on his desk while grabbing the back of the chair, “Well maybe we can hang out tomorrow night then instead?” He asked. He threw his classic, blue, puppy-dog eyes at me, and I really tried hard to resist.

“Well, I can probably make some time if I get all of my work done,” I said, and I saw his face relax. It was those damn eyes.

“Great! That’s great news,” He said, truly as if he were a little kid who was just given candy. It was pretty cute, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, uh, goodnight Steve,” I said, turning around the corner after giving an awkward wave.

“No Stevie? C’mon Nat! Don’t tell me you’re going weak on me now!” He yelled as I continued walking down the hallway. I could hear his low chuckle even from the ever-growing distance between us.

“In your dreams Rogers.” I smirked, taking a bite of my sandwich.

———————

I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was racing back and forth, torturing itself and the rest of my body as a thin layer of sweat coated my face. My feet bounced and I was stretching out my neck every few minutes, trying to relax.

I thought about Steve and Sharon and their short lived romance. He seemed so fixated on her after the snap. I think he thought if he got back together with her, he could get a semblance of his old life back. I think Sharon reminded him of Peggy too. I get it.

From what Steve has told me about Peggy, she seemed like a catch. A true patriot, strong-willed, and beautiful. She was truly ahead of her time from what Steve mentioned. He really didn’t talk about her much anymore though, as he had told me that he gave up on that life a long time ago. He said he was committed to helping Americans right here, right now. He didn’t want to focus on the past.

Right now though, it seemed to be catching up with him.

Ever since Steve and I kissed in the bar, things seemed different with us. He had always been my best friend, but there was a newfound closeness that I didn’t want to lose. Steve was Steve, and he will always be Steve. He is my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose him to Sharon again, as selfish as that seemed. I needed him much more than I can imagine Sharon needs him. Steve and I had such a strong, deep history that went beyond just a few months of dating. I needed him to survive.

I rocked back and forth in my bed until I couldn’t take it any longer. I slid out of bed and over into my bathroom where I threw some cold water on my face and on the back of my neck to cool me down. I looked in the mirror at my pinkish eyes and felt the sudden urge to cry.

Restraining myself, I turned to a different therapeutic option - masturbation.

When melatonin didn’t work, there was a long list of different options I utilized to relax, and masturbating was just one of them. Besides, I didn’t feel like taking a bath at this hour.

I crawled back into bed and slid open my nightstand drawer, opening up the hidden bottom compartment to pull out a small pink vibrator I had gifted myself around a year ago. I told Pepper that I was having trouble sleeping, and she recommended I pick up this little pink number to help. What a help it’s been.

I grabbed my phone and searched around until I found a video that I thought would work for me. I thumbed through a few lesbian videos before settling on some straight porn to mix things up. It featured a slim red head and a blond, muscular man ‘working out’ at some gym that was obviously not a gym.

I turned the vibrator on, ignoring the ridiculous commentary that they were making to each other while trying to focus on only them. As I got closer and closer to climax, I couldn’t stop thinking about the night I spent with Steve.

It was so beautiful and wholesome, but waking up to a shirtless Steve was definitely the cherry on top. There was no denying he was attractive, and seeing him in that adorable and vulnerable position only helped his case.

Just as I was about to reach the edge, I heard a knock on my door.

I practically threw the vibrator across the room before jumping out of bed and pulling my shorts back up. I was dressed in an oversized black tee shirt and some small, tight shorts.

Quickly getting to my feet, I checked the clock that read 1:12 AM. Confused, I shuffled over to where the vibrator landed and quickly shut it off, sticking it under the covers of my bed before hearing another knock.

Just as I managed to get to the door, I opened it and no one was behind it. I peered my head out of my door and saw Steve walking down the hallway and back towards his apartment. He quickly turned back to where I was and moved towards the door. His broad shoulders were more evident than ever, and I couldn’t help but think about the couple I was just watching.

“Steve,” I said, leaning against the doorway as he stood in front of me. He didn’t look great.

His hair was messy and he was wearing some black athletic shorts with a white tee shirt. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping either.

“Nat, I, I don’t know what I did, or if I hurt you or anything, I don’t know, but I just, I wanted to figure it out, and I didn’t-” He rambled in circles before I cut him off with a hug.

He stopped talking and squeezed me into his chest harder.

“You’re fine, Steve, really,” I said, half telling the truth and half lying. I mean, he was fine. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s not like we were ever anything but friends. Plus, maybe I was just being dramatic. I didn’t own him or anything, and he’s free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.

“I’m sorry I’ve been weird lately, I’ve just been dealing with a lot and everything,” He said, placing a hand gently on the back of my head.

I felt bad that I was being a bit cold to him, and I knew that whatever was going on, he needed me.

“Do you wanna come in? We can have another little sleep over,” I said with a laugh. I looked up at his tired face and he smiled with a nod before I led him inside.

“I can go to the couch,” He said, grabbing a throw blanket as he headed toward the small red couch in the corner of the room.

“Nonsense,” I said in response, sitting on the bed and patting the spot next to me, “It’s not like we haven’t slept together before,” I said with a smirk before crawling under the covers.

“I mean, I guess you could return the favor,” He said with a smile as he crawled in next to me.

He pulled the blankets around him and wiggled around for a bit before sliding his shirt over his head and onto the floor next to him.

I couldn’t help but notice his body next to me, even in the dark.

He must have seen me staring, as he said, “Uh, is this weird, I can put it back on, I just figured I did last time,” He rambled, looking at me nervously in the dark.

“No, no, it’s fine, no worries,” I said in return, turning my back towards him so that I wouldn’t continue staring at his chiseled pecs.

Just as we were settling into sleep, I felt him tense up next to me. He wiggled around some more before he sat up and leaned over, grabbing something from the edge of the end of the bed.

“Uh, Nat,” He said, and I felt a jolt go through me. The vibrator.

“Fuck,” I mumbled, sitting up again and turning towards him. Holy shit. This was not just slightly embarrassing, but fully mortifying.

“Having a bit of fun before I got here, huh?” He teased, swinging the vibrator around in his hands while laughing.

“Look, my personal life is mine Rogers. I’m just shocked a prude such as yourself would know what that is in the first place,” I said, snatching it out of his hands and sticking it back into the drawer I store it in.

“Pink? Really Romanoff? A bit cliche if you ask me. It’s not really your color,” He said, teasing some more as he settled back into bed.

“Shut it,” I said in return, sinking into my side of the bed and covering my ear with the pillow.

He grabbed my side with one hand and moved the pillow with his other, leaning into my ear as he whispered, “No judgement here, it’s actually very attractive to see a woman like yourself take matters into her own hands, literally,” He said, giggling in my ear again. He lingered there for what felt like just a little to long to be a joke, and I knew that I had to cut things off. He was talking to Sharon after all; plus it was late, emotions were running high, and I didn’t want to make a decision that we would later regret. He was my best friend after all, even if he was laying half naked in bed next to me, torturing me about masturbation.

I turned towards him again and said in the most stern voice I could muster up, “Goodnight Steve. I’m glad we had this little chat, but let’s never talk about it again,” I said, turning back around and pulling the covers up over me.

He giggled again before muttering a ‘fine’ out loud. He let out a yawn and before turning away from me, he gave me a quick and unexpected peck on the forehead.

I don’t know what to make of any of it, but I knew that tomorrow was going to be anything but normal.