Saviors

My breathing was heavy and labored as I fought Hydra agents left and right and all I could think about was Steve. All that I knew was that I had to find him, and that something bad was going to happen. A large Hydra agent sprinted towards me in a dark room and I readied myself to fight against him, then knocking him out was a single blow to the throat. I sprinted as fast as I could, breaking into the room where Steve was being held.

Steve was laying on the ground under a spotlight as two Hydra agents, covered in shadows, kicked his sides, spitting on him while laughing and mumbling swears. I quickly ran over to him, throwing two knives at each of the agents on the way. They both fell to the ground while yelling out expletives. I knelt down to meet Steve’s face and noticed my knees and legs were covered in Steve’s blood - there was a small pool of it surrounding Steve’s limp body.

He was riddled with bullet holes and his face was more black and blue than it was his natural skin tone. His breathing was minimal, as if it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I could see streams of blood flowing out of him from various points as it added to the already large pool of blood on the floor around him. I couldn’t help but start to cry as I grabbed onto his face, meeting his eyes as I searched for any sign of safety.

His eyes barely opened, mesmerizing, and he whispered, “I love you, Nat.”

His breathing lapsed and I saw the life leaving his body. He began to go limp and his eyes glossed over, blood still surging out from his body. Tears flowed from my eyes and my hands were shaking.

——————

It was only a dream. Well, it was actually a nightmare.

I found myself in bed, hyperventilating, covered in a light sweat. My hands were shaking and I could barely catch my breath. I had the same horrendous nightmare that I had a few months ago, only this time it was much worse.

The last and only other time I had this nightmare, I had taken a nap on the couch in the late afternoon when Steve was watching a baseball game. I had never cared much for baseball, and opted to ‘rest my eyes’ instead. Last time I had this dream I had only gotten to the part where I had seen Steve laying on the ground. When I woke up screaming for Steve, breathing heavily, he was by my side on the couch and wrapped me up into a large hug. I sat with him like that for a few minutes, making sure that I was actually hugging him and that he was safe.

This time, I found out the ending to a story that I never wanted to know. Nightmare Steve had died in my arms, and I couldn’t shake the horrific image from my brain.

My brain felt like a stir fry of terror, grief, and confusion as I tried to comprehend what was real and what was the nightmare in my groggy, half-awake state. I threw my covers to the side of my bed and ran out my apartment door, sprinting to Steve’s apartment as fast as I could to make sure everything was okay.

I pounded on his door continuously until I heard mumbling on the other side. The front door to Steve’s apartment opened and I immediately threw my arms around him, making sure that he was okay. He had no broken skin, there was no blood, and his face was just as handsome as it always was. I let out a sigh of relief and breathed in the fresh smell of his white pajama tee.

“Nat, is everything alright?” He asked. I could hear the confusion and concern in his voice.

“I just, I had a vivid nightmare. It’s hard to talk about, but, you died in my arms,” I said, nuzzling into his chest as a small tear slipped from my eye. I gripped onto his back as if he could slip away from my arms at any moment.

He pulled me in tighter and rubbed my back, “Nat, it’s okay,” I felt his hand press up against the back of my head, rubbing small circles behind my ear. I felt like I couldn’t let go of him. Like no amount of time could be enough to prove to me that he was safe; that he was okay. I knew he was though, but I needed to calm down more first. I needed to get myself together.

“Um, I’m sorry, but can I just stay here for a little while? I just, I don’t want to be alone,” I asked, letting go of his hug to see that he too looked tired. He had tears of his own welling up in his eyes and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault.

He nevertheless nodded and invited me into his apartment, and I took a seat in his kitchen. He grabbed two glasses of water and I noticed the time on his microwave; 3:26 AM.

“I’m sorry to wake you this early in the morning,” I said as Steve placed a glass of water in front of me. I took a small sip before catching his eyes again.

“Really, it’s fine, I just want to be here for you,” Steve said, his brows furrowed. I could tell he was still concerned.

I gave him a small smile and he gestured me over to his bed and patted it.

“Oh, Steve, I don’t- I can just sleep on the couch, really,” I bartered, knowing how this conversation was going to end. I watched as Steve moved from the bed with a pillow and placed it on his couch. While the couch was big enough, I still don’t think a larger man like Steve could sleep on it comfortably for more than a few hours.

“No, you’re sleeping in my bed, and I’ll take the couch, and I’m not arguing about it,” He said, gesturing for me to go to the bed.

“Normally I would fight you on your insistent chivalry, but I’m too tired for this,” I said with a tired laugh, moving towards the bed. I was wearing tight black shorts and an oversized shirt without a bra, per usual. I began to notice the cold air around me and covered up my chest, sparing Steve of his embarrassment and uncomfortable feelings over a slightly hard nipple.

I moved over to the right side of the bed and tucked myself into the still-warm covers, inhaling the masculine scent of the sheets. It was comforting.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Steve asked, standing in the middle of the couch bed and the real bed.

I felt better than before, but still anxious. I couldn’t help but feel that my world was shutting down around me and I was doing everything in my power to push the walls outward. Sure, I had gone through stuff in the past, but the snap was the worst loss I had ever felt. So, even dreaming about losing Steve was the worst possible nightmare I could imagine - it shook me to my core thinking about his bloody, helpless body. I couldn’t get the image out of my head.

“Um, yeah,” I said, almost as a whimper, “Could you maybe just sit with me for a minute?” I didn’t even want to look at him. I felt embarrassed and sad. I didn’t want to see Steve’s sad blue eyes staring back at me through the dim lighting left by the kitchen lights around the corner. It was so surprisingly painful.

He was alive, and he was right in front of me and I should be relieved. But I still felt like I needed to be taken care of, and I hated the feelings of needing to rely on others. Granted, I was getting better at letting myself need others - but now, Steve was the only one I would let take care of me.

He suggested I go to his group meetings with him in the past, or even see a therapist, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that Steve was hurting too, but at least he had his group, and he had me. I guess in a weird way we both had each other. I knew it was fucked up too. I shouldn’t put my shit on my friends, but Steve was the only person in the world who could possibly understand what I was going through, so we confided in each other and cared for one another.

“Of course,” He said in return, sitting down on the left side of the bed, leaning up against the headboard and putting his feet up.

“Thanks,” I said in return, turning over so that I could see him, “I really appreciate you, Steve, I- uh, I need you, and I’m really glad I have someone like you.” I felt embarrassed by my words, but they were necessary. I knew that I joked around with Steve a lot, but he was important to me, he was my best friend.

“Nat,” He paused for a minute, his face flushing and his eyes dropping to his hands that were folded in his lap.

“Yeah?” I questioned through my grogginess; my eyes were trying to close, pushing against my desire to stay awake and talk with Steve all night. I felt my heart beat pick up and I couldn’t grasp why. I felt such a strange connection to Steve, and I couldn’t put into words how I felt. He felt like family but at the same time a best friend mixed with a husband. We ate meals together and watched movies. We planned to be with each other most nights. I was so used to him being a part of my life that he felt like an extension of myself in a strange way.

“Uh,” He rubbed the back of his neck and I knew that he wanted to say something more, but instead he said, “I, uh, I appreciate you. More than you know. I really, really do.”

I’ll take it.

——————

I woke up to the sound of an alarm clock beeping and felt a heaviness against my shoulder. I inhaled deeply the scent of cotton I was all too familiar with and felt a warmth against my back.

As I moved to stop the sounding of the alarm clock, I felt what could only be Steve moving next to me. He had his arm wrapped around me and I was snuggled into his side, my back against his and our legs bent in the same shape.

I heard Steve inhale deeply next to me and he removed his arm from my side, stretching it out before he realized that he fell asleep next to me. We ended up talking last night and I don’t even remember falling asleep. Steve must have fallen asleep next to me too.

I felt Steve tense up next to me and I pushed through my grogginess, sitting up. I felt a chill as I broke through the blankets and pulled the covers up over my hardening nipples.

Steve rubbed his eyes, pushing himself up and leaning against the headboard, letting out a light laugh.

“What?” I said, looking down at my chest again to make sure my chest was covered.

“Nothing, I just set up a place to sleep on the couch for nothing,” He said. I noticed that he was shirtless and questioned my memory of last night.

He noticed me staring at his muscular chest and I saw that his face was flushed.

“So, why is it that Stevie didn’t sleep on the couch last night?” I questioned playfully.

“Well, Natasha,” there was that familiar playful tone is his deep, groggy morning voice, “I must have fallen asleep sometime when we were talking last night and I have a vague memory of getting warm and taking off my clothes.” He said, matter-of-fact.

“Hmm,” I said, peeking under the covers to see what his mention of ‘clothes’ entailed.

“Just the shirt,” He rolled his eyes and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. He still had on the same grey sweats that he was wearing when he opened his door to find me panicked last night.

“Bummer,” I replied, letting out a laugh while knowing that his face would go red with embarrassment.

“Very funny, Romanoff,” He let out a light laugh, rubbing his eyes.

I tried to hide my smile, but I knew it was still spread across my face. I couldn’t help but think about having slept next to Steve Rogers. He was so proper and old-school, so the idea that he woke up, took off his shirt, and chose to stay next to me was a bit shocking. I wonder if the whole cuddling thing just happened in our sleep or if that was Steve’s idea.

Either way I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t find comfort in him next to me. Plus, it had been a long time since I had felt any kind of closeness to anyone.

“Well,” I said, brushing through my long hair with my hands, “Thanks for last night. I really must owe you a lot at this point, huh?”

“Yes, Nat, yes you do, but you don’t need to worry about last night. That was the first time I’ve slept well in a long time. Plus, I won’t count it on top of what you already owe me, just because I’m nice,” He said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes before scooting over to his side of the bed, letting the blanket that was covering up my chest fall as I wrapped him into a hug.

“You’re so lame, Rogers,” I said, feeling him laugh as he wrapped his arms around me.

He was lame, but he was that perfect kind of lame.