Saviors

Halloween came and passed, and November had set in.

It was always my least favorite time of the year. I guess the holidays always felt a bit somber to me considering I never got the chance to celebrate until I was an adult. Even then, I wouldn’t really call it celebrating - I can’t say I’ve ever taken many breaks from work in my life. I never felt like I could.

Since the snap, it was even easier to work; I would often spend long nights in my office working on anything and everything I could. Every once in a while I would doze off and I would find myself asleep on the couch courtesy of Steve.

The only time I really took breaks was when I was with Steve. Somehow he was able to draw me away from the alluring pull of my desk with a movie or dinner or just some light conversation. I knew that he was worried about me, and I was worried about him too, but things were just easier when I was working. I felt like I was trying to do something important.

Last year around the holidays Steve would plan all kinds of stuff for us to do to help take me away from my work and I can say I probably participated in half of them. Festive activities took a lot out of me - they weren’t really my style. For Steve though, I tried.

Besides the festivities, my birthday was in November. I preferred a quiet birthday every year, and if I’m honest, I didn’t think I would make it this far. As a girl I thought I wouldn’t make it past 20. Then when I was 20 I thought I wouldn’t make it another year. Then the years kept coming, and every year I was just as surprised as the last. I should’ve died a thousand times by now if not more.

— — — — — —

My knees were bouncing, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I could practically feel my skin crawling.

I needed a release.

I moved away from my desk, and I made my way over to the target range on the west wing of the facility. I quickly went into the armory, loading two handguns and putting ear plugs in my ears, and sticking some clear glasses on my face. I strapped a multitude of magazines to my waist as a gripped a gun in each hand.

Every once in a while I had to let off some steam. I didn’t have any soothing activities like Steve did. He always told me that drawing made him feel at peace. I’m guessing that’s why he fell so deeply into architecture after the snap along with his many other jobs. For me though, hitting a bullseye usually helped me get rid of some of the pressure and relax.

I pinned up a target and quickly took my place at the mark on the floor and I began shooting.

With every shot I could feel my blood boil and my skin grow warmer. My breathing picked up.

With every shot I could see the face of every person I fought, every person I lost against. I let magazines fall in and out of each handgun as I continued to shoot through the bullseye. The paper was shredded into pieces on the floor but I couldn’t stop as I kept shooting. I could feel my eyes welling with tears, but I wouldn’t let myself cry. Not now, not ever if I could help it.

I shot until I was out of bullets and I let out the most cathartic scream for what felt like hours. My own scream rang through my ears as it choked in my throat. I heard it echo throughout the large gun range as it rumbled through my body. I felt my knees buckle, and I dropped to the floor, letting a few tears slip out as the clinking of the metal guns hit the marble ground next to me.

I looked at my hands, and they trembled. I would have been beaten as a child if I acted like this in the orphanage. God, I think they would have just killed me on the spot. One metal bullet to the skull.

But now? I couldn’t stop myself from feeling. I let so many people down. I let myself down. Just as I was beginning to feel secure, I had my new life ripped away from me.

Images of Wanda and Vision together scattered my brain. Then Sam laughing with Steve.

Then Clint.

God, I knew he wasn’t gone, but he may as well be. Rhodey said he thought Clint may have been involved in some gang related activity, but there wasn’t enough intel to know if it was him. I knew his family was gone, but shit, he was my family too. He disappeared on me, and he decided on his own that this was what he needed to do.

Kneeling on the ground, I thought about everyone I lost. I thought about Clint, someone I didn’t want to lose, although every day I felt him slipping deeper and deeper.

I let myself cry. Not because I couldn’t stop myself, but because I needed the release that the target practice didn’t give me.

I heard the sound of footsteps moving hurriedly down the hall leading up to the target range and knew who it was. Within seconds I felt Steve’s large hands wrap around me as he knelt on the floor in front of me, drawing me into his chest.

“Nat,” I heard him whisper as he squeezed my body against his, “Breathe.”

I followed his instructions, taking deeper breaths while trying not to feel so embarrassed. Why did he have to keep seeing me like this, and why did I keep letting myself get here.

“Thanks,” I muttered, moving away from him as we stood up together. He was still holding onto my hands and I took my eyes away from the ground and met his.

“What happened,” He said, brows furrowed as he searched my face for answers. His eyes looked red and puffy, as if he had been crying.

“Same thing that seems to keep happening,” I said in return. My body felt limp; it felt like it wasn’t my own. I don’t know who was in control of my body, but it barely felt like me.

“Yeah,” He said in return, letting out a deep sigh.

“Were you crying earlier,” I asked, although it came out more like a statement than it did a question.

“That obvious, huh,” He said in reply, giving me a sad smile.

“Welcome to the club,” I said, giving him a small hug. I felt his large body shake in a slight laughter as he wrapped me into his chest again, squeezing tight.

He smelled like a mixture of fresh cotton and pine, and his shirt was a soft flannel. Much more casual than normal for Steve, but I’ll cut him some slack because it was the weekend.

“Why were you doing target practice anyway?” He asked, letting go of me. We both lingered in each other’s arms for just a little longer than usual.

“I thought it would help, I don’t know, relax me, like it normally does,” I could see a small smile spread across his lips, “but I guess that didn’t really work for me today, as you can see.” I let out a small laugh myself as I wiped the tears off my face.

“You don’t say,” He said in return. I could feel my mood picking up with Steve’s friendly tone and pleasant demeanor.

“Hmm,” I replied. I could’ve came up with an infinite amount of more clever or snide remarks, but considering how kind Steve was, I figured I would pass it up this time.

“I think we need to do something fun tonight to bring up the spirits in this place,” He said, a smile spread across his face.

“So, what’s on the agenda?” I returned, letting go of at least some of the sadness for now.

——————

I suggested that we stay in and watch movies, but Steve had something better planned. He told me to grab as many blankets as I could find and to make some popcorn while he got the festivities set up.

I heard my phone ring in my back pocket and read the name that came up, ‘Stevie.’

“Yes,” I said, picking up the phone knowing that he was somewhere around the facility as I carried as many blankets that I could carry in one arm while juggling a bowl of popcorn in the other.

“I have a little surprise for you on the porch of the east wing,” He said. I could practically hear a smile on his pink lips. The phone clicked off before I could answer him and I managed to slip it back into my back popcorn without spilling too much popcorn.

As I made my way over, I couldn’t help but think about Steve. He knew I needed whatever it was that he was planning. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, I knew that he needed it too. He seemed tense lately, and he was throwing himself into his work much more than he usually did. He was taking less afternoon drives, and he was having much more late nights at his desk.

“Well, hello Ms. Romanoff,” Steve said, putting an arm out and showing me everything he had thrown together. He held the door open for me as I dropped the hoard of blankets down on a love seat and I could feel the cold snap of the November air. Even though I was wearing a sweater, thick leggings and thick socks, I knew I would be needing those blankets.

There were string lights thrown around the large outdoor furniture that Tony had littered around the porch. Tony said that he needed a nice place to take a break when he would spend time working in the lab, but most of the time I would find him taking a nap. When I would wake him up he would claim that he was merely, ‘resting his eyes.’ I miss that time.

Next to the furniture was a large telescope, pointing up at the night sky. That was one of the nicer parts of living at the facility - there wasn’t any city noise and the sky was filled with more stars than I could hope to count.

Steve sat down on the loveseat next to where I put down the blankets and patted the seat next to him.

“Okay, first I think we should eat some popcorn, then look through the telescope,” He said with a smile.

“Steve, this is really, really nice,” I said in reply, a huge grin spread across my lips. I grabbed us each a couple blankets and sat down next to him, plopping down the popcorn bowl between us.

“Really, it was nothing,” He said nonchalantly, grabbing a handful of popcorn in one hand and eating it with the other, “You needed a break.”

“Yeah,” I let out a sigh, grabbing a handful of popcorn, “I think we both needed one.”

He let out a sigh himself and gave me a weak smile before looking back up at the sky.

It seemed so mesmerizing, outer space. It made me feel so minuscule and it helped put things into perspective. I was just one person, and I have lost so much in life, but I have been given so much. I couldn’t help but think about all of the other people out there who have it much worse than me, and I feel grateful. It’s so strange to me, but the vast abyss of space was comforting in a way.

Steve and I stared out at the sky for a while, occasionally pointing out a constellation or dropping a piece of popcorn in the folds of the blankets draped around us. Even though I had two thick blankets wrapped around me and even though my feet were tucked in as well as they could be with my feet on the loveseat, I still couldn’t stop myself from letting a cold shiver cross over my body.

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t find any of the space heaters anywhere, I’ll have to ask Pepper where she keeps them sometime,” Steve rambled, looking nervous as he rubbed the back of his neck, “But, uh, I’m pretty warm if you wanted to come in a little closer.” He looked so nervous. It was adorable, truly.

“Well, if you insist, Stevie,” I said and I saw his shoulders relax he let out a breathy laugh from his chest, almost like he was holding his breath.

I snuggled into his side and smelled that familiar pine and fresh cotton scent. God, I felt like I could live in that scent forever. It was so beautifully comforting.

We sat and talked like that for a while before Steve got up to look through the telescope. He gestured for me to follow and we took turns looking through it and pointing out the beauty above us.

After a good twenty or thirty minutes of that, I found myself back under the covers as I picked through the last few good pieces of popcorn.

“Nothing left?” Steve asked, joining me back on the loveseat and wrapping himself up in blankets again.

“Nothing worth eating at least,” I said, sticking the bowl back on the floor as I readjusted back into the couch, tucking my feet into the blankets.

We stayed like that for another hour or so, chatting and laughing, before Steve let out a huff, “Well, I think it might be about time for bed.” He got up, wrapped up his blankets in one arm and extended the other to help me out the incredibly comfortable loveseat. I now see why it was so easy for Tony to rest his eyes here considering I felt half asleep myself.

“I think so too,” I said, letting out a huge yawn while slowly shuffling around to grab any blankets I could. I noticed that Steve had already grabbed the popcorn bowl. His arm really can work wonders with all that was wrapped up within one right now.

“So, am I dropping you off at your apartment, or is this gonna be another couch night?” He questioned as we headed inside. I looked up at his face and saw his tired blue eyes. I so badly wanted to say couch, but I knew that I shouldn’t go about making that a habit.

“I think bed,” I said, letting out another yawn, “But you don’t have to walk me there, I am capable of handling myself Steve.” I teased.

A look of worry spread across his face as i he had done something wrong, “Oh, I’m sorry, Nat, I-I didn’t mean to offend you or anything,” He rambled like that for a few more seconds before I cut him off with a laugh.

“I’m only joking Steve, I’m not offended. And besides, I think you know better than any that I can handle myself,” I returned and he smiled, shaking his head.

“Well, let’s get you there then,” He held out his free arm for me to grab onto and I couldn’t help but at least lightly roll my eyes considering the old-school chivalry. It was quite endearing though, I must admit.

Steve walked me through the facility until we got to my apartment, and holding a hoard of blankets, he gave me a small hug goodbye.

“Thanks, Steve, I needed tonight,” I said, letting go of his hug while giving his should a quick squeeze before letting my hand drop to my side.

“I did too,” He said in return, “And Nat, just, let me know if you need anything. Like really, anything at all, I’m here,” He said. My eyes met his and I could tell that he was serious. His brows her furrowed and a small bit of worry crashed onto his kind face.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, “I know. Thank you,” I said with one last hug.

I left Steve with a smile, and I couldn’t get rid of it until I fell asleep.