Loki takes a deep breath and attempts to hold it together. He didn't want to break in front of Sigrid. He chuckles. He told Thor to break in order to not lose himself and here Loki is, trying to not break because he doesn't want his toddler to see him a mess. It's getting harder to be a hypocrite. He doesn't need to go searching to know where Tony went. Whenever it got hard, Tony always went to his workshop; his precious lab. Loki had a bittersweet feeling about the lab. He used to get jealous that Tony would spend hours after hours in there, tinkering away but it is the same place where they conceived their little one.
"MAMA." Sigrid's voice echoed through the house. "I'm home!"
Loki jumped up and looked at himself in the mirror. He needed to make sure he had his brave face on. He didn't want Sigrid to know something was wrong. He walked out the bedroom door and Sigrid ran into his arms.
"Were you good?" Loki smiled.
"Yes, mama." Sigrid smiled back.
Loki kissed all over Sigrid's face. Sigrid hugged Loki as she was spoiled with kisses but her smile was small. Loki hadn't noticed. He just wanted to hold Sigrid close. She may be a two year old toddler but she knew. Something was wrong.
Her mama was hurt.
+
Tony held his head in his hands, shaking. He wanted a drink. His chest hurt. He couldn't breathe. What did he almost do? God, what was he thinking? Loki would never wander away. Bruce would never cross a line. Tony knew this. Loki was loyal to him and Sigrid. Bruce respected people. He had his eye on Natasha too. God, Tony realized. He assaulted Bruce. And he almost raped Loki. Out of misplaced rage and drunken jealousy. He scratched at his arms. What if Sigrid had walked in? Tony hasn't been dealing with his own daughter lately because he's drunk all the time. But if Sigrid walked in on her father raping her mother? God, Tony didn't want to think about it. Then Tony thinks of Loki. Loki didn't want it. He didn't like it. But why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he use magic against Tony? He's a God. He could have strangled Tony if he wanted. Stab him. Throw him out the room. Anything. But Loki just stood still.
"I'm not a good man. I'm a drunk and a rapist. I'm an abuser. I'm a bad father." Tony repeated to himself. "I punched my friend in the face. I tried to rape the love of my life. I am neglecting my daughter."
Tony's hands shook. He wasn't drunk this time. He stared at his alcohol. He wanted a drink but suddenly, he was scared. What if next time he starts drinking, he doesn't stop himself? Loki won't say no. What if next time he's drunk and Loki doesn't stop him. Doesn't cry no. He knows he should stop drinking but he's scared of being sober again. Loki will leave. He'll lose Sigrid again. This time, he;ll never see either of them again. God, when Thor finds out. Tony shook his head. He wouldn't care if Loki cried to Thor or if Bruce said something to any of the others. The only thing he cares about is that look on Loki's face. That Loki wouldn't tell him no. That Sigrid has a rapist for a father.
+
Loki finally put Sigrid down for bed. The last few hours had been...hard. Sigrid made it a little better but she was also attached to Loki's hip until her bedtime. Loki sighed. Sigrid was too smart for her own good. Loki loved it but hated it too. The house was dark and quiet now. Bruce has been sending messages to Loki but he's been ignoring them all. The bedroom has become a scary place for him. He didn't want to be alone either. He decided on the worse choice he could have possibly made.
+
Tony just keeps staring at his alcohol when he heard someone enter the workshop. He doesn't want to look. He thinks it might be Bruce and he suddenly welcomes death. Unfortunately, it's the one person who haunts him now.
"Tony?" Loki's voice is soft but broken.
"Hey." Tony wants to sob but doesn't.
"Are you hungry?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you tired? Come to bed."
Tony freezes. He can't. He's afraid to. How can Loki still want him to come to bed after what he did earlier that day? He forces himself to turn around and face Loki properly.
"I'm pretty wired. You go to bed." Tony lies.
"I love you, Tony." Loki gasps.
Tony stands up and takes a step back. Don't, he thinks, don't do this.
"Sigrid missed you today. I told her you went to work."
"You could have just told her Daddy hurt Mommy."
"She loves her daddy. It's okay."
"Loki, it's not okay! God, you wouldn't even tell me no."
Loki looked down. Tony feels like a rapist and Loki feels like a victim. He can keep telling himself that's not true but deep inside, it is. Loki didn't want to say it though. He didn't want to think it. Tony is the love of his life and the father of his daughter. He walked closer to Tony until they had very little space between them.
"Do you still love me?" Loki asked.
"Of course I love you." Tony breathed.
"Then it's okay. We're okay."
"Loki, no. We're not okay. I almost-"
"But you didn't. You stopped."
"I can bet Bruce told you to leave me."
"I won't. And I won't take Sigrid from you."
Loki leaned in closer and Tony shook his head. He knew what Loki was trying to do and he couldn't bring himself to do it. He almost raped Loki and here Loki is, trying to be intimate.
"Loki, please." Tony gasped. "I can't."
"You said you love me." Loki whispered.
"I do but I just can't. Now after what happened literally hours ago."
"It's okay, Tony."
"No, it's not."
"Why are you punishing me? Is it because I'm a bad mother? Is it because I made you relapse? Or am I still being punished for my past sins?"
"Loki, stop it. It's nothing like that. None of it was you. I relapsed on my own. It was bound to happen."
"If you're not punishing me, then make love to me."
Loki kissed Tony and Tony wanted to pull back but Loki always knew how to suck him in. Without breaking the kiss, Tony gently pressed Loki against the wall and deepened the kissing. Loki grind his hips again Tony's hardening bulge. Tony moaned.
"We're okay, Tony." Loki gasped as Tony kissed down his neck.
"I'm sorry, Loki." Tony nuzzled his face into Loki's shoulder. "I'll get better, I promise. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. For you and Sigrid."
"Get help. Go to rehab. Get a therapist. Just get some help."
"Okay. I'll get help."
Loki pulled Tony onto the floor and rode him all night long.