Shambles

Stiles had to say his condolences to the third family that day and he was barely waking up from his last shift, he was starting to feel tired again. The woman in front of him started crying, sobbing so hard, her entire body was shaking. She crumbled into her knees and put her hands against her face. Stiles wondered if he had broken like that, cried like that, but he had never, it made him feel kind of sad. One more time he expressed his sorrow, saying they had tried everything their hands could do, that he was sorry. He quickly walked away from that young lady, she had just lost her fiancé, thanks to a car crash, a silly car crash, at least it had been a quick dead, no pain. Stiles wasn’t able to save him, or the other three, it wasn’t being a good day, he had lost all his patients and he was fucking hangover. Again. 

He removed the patient’s name from the organ waiting list and began the long paperwork with boring but necessary politics. He leaned on the desk and gladly accepted the coffee his favorite nurse was handing him, “Another rough night?” Stiles heard a hoarse, cheeky voice asking. 

Stiles twisted his mouth and groaned, “Another rough morning sweetheart” He exclaimed with fake happiness. He looked up from the paperwork and stared at the old lady with black hair and white stains on it, “You’re adorably Patty, thank you” He whispered taking a sip from the coffee, tasting the sweetness on it. 

Patty hummed in answer and pursed her too red lips, “Another one?” She asked instead, pushing her glasses up her nose. 

Stiles bit his lips, watching her long nails quickly type in the computer, “Another one” He finally confirmed, he quickly signed the papers and passed them to her, “Have you seen Dr, Banner?” He asked stretching his arms above his head, trying to relieve his tense muscles. Patty snatched her eyes opened and for a moment the sound of her fingers tapping stopped. Stiles turned into her direction confused and frowned, “What is it?”

“Dr, Banner told me to let you know he’ll be busy most of the day, he won’t be able to communicate with you, or others, Dr, Stilinski” She suddenly blurted out. Stiles froze on his place and lowered his coffee, piercing her with his strong eyes, “What aren’t you telling me, Patty?”

But she didn’t answer, her mouth hang opened for a few seconds before Stiles heard his name being called repeatedly in the out speakers, he frowned and shook his head, “I will be back, you hear me?” He exclaimed as he turned around and began running to the emergency room, dodging stretchers, people in wheelchairs and more injured patients, more victims. He wasn’t sure when the chaos was going to pass, not really. 

The new patient was a nine year old boy, dark hair and pale skin. He was incredible tall and skinny and he was dying in Stiles surgery table, “I need more blood, B negative!” He yelled for the second time as his hands went deeper and faster inside the kid’s stomach. Desperately trying to find the internal bleeding. It had been a silly accident, he had fallen down the stairs, it was a silly procedure, a known one, an easy one and he couldn’t stop the bleeding. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was facing the parents or which words came out of his mouth, he just felt someone holding him tight. 

There was a feeling, bothering him, he couldn’t concentrate, not correctly. The fact he had lost five patients, including a child, wasn’t bothering him as it had to do, there was something else. He gently removed the woman’s arms from him, he repeated how sorry he was, that they had tried their best and continued his walk. 

The first thing he saw was her red hair, as it always did, standing out among the crowd. He stopped from a moment and every cable connected, somehow he knew. His feet moved by their own, “Natasha?” He blurted out. 

She shook her head and opened her mouth, her eyes said everything. 

“What happened?” He asked, louder than he meant to. Suddenly Bruce was in front of him, hand on his chest, “Stiles, wait… just wait!” He exclaimed trying to stop him but it was in vain. Stiles pushed him and licked his sudden dry lips, “Don’t even try it” He whispered, voice tensed as wire, pointing at Natasha when he she tried to say something. He looked through the window, inside the room, in the stretcher, the furthest one, was laying Steve. He was barely moving. He had a tube down his throat and his chest was barely moving. 

Stiles head stopped, all he could do, was watch in complete silence. He wasn’t sure how many time passed until he figure out what to say, “Where the fuck is Tony?” 

But the answer never came. Stiles swallowed again, hardly, “He doesn’t know” He confirmed when one more fucking time, he began listening his name on the speakers, over and over again, it was starting to get into his nerves. The urge to hit the wall  invaded him. 

“Stiles…” Natasha whispered but he raised his hand and shook his head, pushing his lips, “I have work to do, please I want to see Tony here” Is everything he managed to say as he turned around and walked on the way back to the emergency room. He wasn’t loosing any other patient. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you honey, it was Dr, Banner demands” Nurse Patty whispered when Stiles handed her even more paperwork. He stared at her as he removed his medical gown and softly left it on the desk, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I still need my daily morning coffee” 

When he saw Steve again, he was alone. The team was back at the tower after they had a pretty loud fight between Tony and the rest. Stiles didn’t blame him, he was mad too, no one had told them anything about Steve’s accident or when did he arrived the hospital. He sat in the chair beside him and watched him carefully. He wasn’t quite sure what to do, how to react or say. The last time he had to lay in a chair inside the hospital was when his mother died and that had happened years ago, so many years ago, he didn’t quite remember how he felt in that moment, he was only a child after all. His father had died in the moment, as well as his deceased friends. 

He desperately passed hand through his hair, his way too long hair and shook his head, it took him a while to speak and not to feel stupid. 

“You're an idiot Steve, a truly big idiot” He exclaimed, putting his hands over his knees, it took him a lot more time and breathing to say the next words, “I think I can say it back, I just need time, I just… I need to figure this out and put my shit together, I need to… really feel, to really feel you and I’m going to need time to do it, but at the same time, I’m afraid that I will feel so much for you and you’re going to realize I’m just… not worth it, cause eventually you will and if that happens and I’m in love with you, its going to tear me apart, I’m not ready to feel so much pain again, so I just… I need time but I need it with you, so it would be great if you just… woke up” 

The silence was crushing. 

“Wake up Steve, please”