Bucky was sitting in his living room in Stark tower, finishing up wrapping the gift that he had gotten for Steve’s birthday. Gift wrapping wasn’t his specialty, but he was determined to get it perfect. As he placed the last piece of tape, his phone buzzed, and he reached into his pocket to get it.
Bucky had no idea what a "Star Spangled Ding Dong" was. It sounded like a...dirty metaphor or something of the sort. Steve didn't use dirty metaphors. Steve could barely even write the word "dick" without blushing like an innocent, scandalized teenager. Which meant that whoever was texting wasn't Steve. Bucky thought that was a semi-decent conclusion that he could jump to. Obviously, someone else in the tower had Steve's phone. He looked down at his phone. Steve had texted back with a solid, "O.K. Give me a head's up when you get here."
Leaving his gift on the living room table, Bucky got up and headed to the elevator. Clint and Natasha were on a mission together, so there was no way that it was either of them. Steve would have mentioned something about losing his phone. Thor was off-world, and Bucky sincerely doubted that the cheery demigod was technologically advanced enough to do something like that anyway. The only person he could think of being behind this prank would be Stark, who would likely be holed up in a lab somewhere.
Blue eyes roved over the multitude of buttons in the elevator before the man finally sighed and asked, "FRIDAY, could you please take me to wherever Stark is?"
"Of course, Sergeant Barnes," was the swift reply, and then he was moving down.
Stark's lab was cluttered and the moment that the doors opened, Bucky wished he had never made a trip down there. Stark was currently leaving an array of hickies on Banner's (who was backed against a table covered in all sorts of equipment that Bucky couldn't even name if he tried) neck.
Ding. Banner's eyes widened as the elevator dinged, and the moment that he saw Bucky, he turned scarlet. "Tony, get off," he hissed, pushing the other scientist away from him. Immediately, Stark moved away, a quiet, concerned, "What?" escaping his mouth. Then he followed Banner's gaze and turned to see Bucky awkwardly standing there. His concern turned to a disgruntled scowl in a mere second.
"FRIDAY, I thought I told you not to let people down here when we're getting hot and heavy," Stark said with a roll of his eyes, clearly unabashed. Unlike Banner, who was still red and staring at the ground. That was fine with Bucky because he wasn't going to make eye contact either.
"Sorry, Boss! He was already on his way down when you and Dr. Banner started making out."
The awkward feeling wasn't going away. "Sorry to interrupt."
Stark scoffed and rolled his eyes again. "What do you need, Barnes?"
"Just wondering if you knew why Steve was texting me about Star-Spangled Ding Dongs."
The look on Stark's face changed from irritated to amused and an incredulous laugh escaped his mouth. "What?"
"Star-Spangled Ding Dongs. Steve said they're really sweet and have cream in them."
Stark's expression was now vaguely disgusted and curious as he said, "Barnes. I don't want to know about you and Roger's sex-life."
Bucky pulled out his phone and eyed the screen. Then he glanced, almost suspiciously, towards Stark. "So, it is a metaphor for sex?"
"I don't know!" Stark threw his hands up in exasperation. "Probably. Why would I know what you and Capsicle do in your spare time?" Annoyance was edging back into his tone once more, and a moment of horrible clarity descended upon Bucky.
It was Steve's birthday. He would probably want to have birthday sex or something. Maybe with the aid of Google, he had created some shitty sex metaphor.
"Wait, so...you don't have his phone?" Bucky asked, though he now suspected the answer.
"Does it look like I have time to text you about...Star Spangled Ding Dongs? I'm busy trying to bone a genius."
"Tony!" Banner exclaimed. He'd nearly gone back to his normal skin color, but the mention had him flushing bright red once more.
"What? It's the truth," Tony deadpanned over his shoulder, accompanied by a wink and it was now ten times more awkward than when Bucky had originally entered the lab.
After a brief apology, the soldier made a hasty retreat. As the elevator doors closed, he heard Stark say, "Now, where were we?" and shuddered internally. Stark didn't want to know about his sex life, and he didn't want to know about Stark's either.
Bucky may have stared at the semicolon-parenthesis combination for longer than was necessary. When his phone buzzed again, he didn't check again, rather clicking the button for Steve's floor with a small, disbelieving, huff. It appeared his Stevie had moved right past "dick" and he was perfectly okay with that. Maybe more than okay.
The elevator dinged. Steve was standing in the kitchen, reading the ingredients on a brightly colored box. He looked up at his boyfriend and smiled widely. "He-mph!"
Bucky had crossed the distance between them and had his lips pressed against Steve's, one hand on the blonde's lower back and was slowly making its way right towards America's Ass.
"I can't believe you, Stevie," he muttered once they broke apart, rubbing his scruff against the other's smooth cheek. "When did you get so dirty?"
A rather affronted look crossed Steve's face. "They're just some cakes with cream inside," he said, reaching behind him to flash the box in Bucky's face. "I know it's more high fructose corn syrup than usual, but it's my birthday and I thought you might like them too."
Wait, what? Bucky blinked at the rectangular box that had been shoved in his face, then another layer of horrible clarity descended upon the brunette.
Hostess Star Spangled Ding Dongs.
They were boxed pastries.
"I-"
"What?"
"I- I-"
"What?"
Bucky sighed. "Nevermind. Happy Birthday, Steve."