O Peixe
The sun gleamed in through the passenger side window. I felt the warmth on my face, a small smirk finding its way to my lips. The slight tug from my smile welcomed a sharp sting as I realized that the dryness of my skin was causing my already split lip to recrack. My tongue dragged across my bottom lip, self moisturizing, as my eyelids fluttered open. The sun was beginning to rise over the Night City landscape, a scene from up where I was situated actually seemed remarkably beautiful.
My tired eyes adjusted to the sunlight as I squinted in the array of massive buildings and structures being highlighted artfully by the early sun’s rays.
“V?” A voice to my left croaked out.
I shifted up in my seat, bringing my attention slowly to my hands laying gingerly in my lap. Bruises and scrapes painted the top sides of my hands. Although I was curious to see how much physical damage had been inflicted on the rest of my body, I was too weak to lift my limbs and do a further examination.
“Pan?” I muttered, shifting my gaze upward and to the left.
Large, dark brown eyes met my own, a furrowed brow sculpted into the nomad’s face. Strands of Panam’s hair blanketed the sides of her face, as well as some residual soil and blood. A small side smile transformed her face as relief flooded over her. I matched her smile, groaning a bit as I sat up fully in the passenger seat of her Thorton.
“V… It’s over.” Panam whispered as she laid a firm grip over my left hand.
I wrapped my other hand over hers, weakly grasping it as if to match her relief motivated physical touch.
“I’m so sorry,” I croaked, hot tears welling into my eyes.
The memory of Saul knocked over on his back, his final screams still ringing in my ears.
I blinked, allowing a tear to stream itself down my cheek. Panam squeezed my hand tighter and shook her head.
“V. It’s not your fault. Don’t-”
I raised my right hand, instructing her to discontinue the rest of her sentence.
“Pan…” I drawled, “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t forced you and the family to tag along.”
Panam shifted in her seat abruptly, facing me fully. Her eyes burned holes in the sides of my head. I refused to meet her gaze, as I knew the moment our eyes met I would breakdown in guilt over my selfish actions.
I would never fully understand the extent to which Panam or the rest of the Aldecaldos loved me. After such an opposite kind of selflessness I had experienced first with the Bakkers, and then with the folks I had acquainted with in Night City. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to feel a communal love and acceptance, hell, it’s all I ever wanted deep down. It was that I truly never felt as if I deserved it. To be treated with respect was something I was taught I needed to earn.
A memory of my father flooded into my thoughts, remembering the night before he was taken from the Bakkers and from me. Him and my older brother were a part of a resistance group, planning to overthrow the leader of the Bakkers before she went through with her deal with Snake Nation. Him and I were sitting by a small creek, he had been teaching me how to catch fish using an ancient Brazilian fishing method. One would grab the fish with their bare hands, remove it from the water, and gently pet it until its last moments. This method was important to him and my family, as it professed an understanding and gratitude for the fish. This animal sacrificed its life for you, you must be willing to show the animal how appreciative you are for its role in your survival.
My memory displayed the image of my father’s large, calloused hands, holding a small fish. The fish had just perished, the wiggling in its tailfin dulled to an abrupt stop. He held the fish out to me and grinned, a single tear streaming down his weathered cheek. I took the creature from him, examining the way its scales reflected the last hours of sunlight. My father placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze.
He sighed, “V, let this fish be a lesson to you.”
I glanced up at him in wonder, awaiting for his next words.
“When I first caught this fish, it was afraid. It struggled and fought for its life up until its final moments,” He glanced down at me, warmly.
“While I held this fight above water, we both were fighting, for different reasons.” He went on.
“The fish fights for its life, I fight with the idea that I am taking a life. These things, although conflicting, they signify an important lesson in self preservation and balance.”
I raised an eyebrow, my 11 year old self unsure of the deeper meaning behind his words.
He chuckled at my confusion and grabbed my shoulder tighter.
“V, you must always fight for what’s right. In order to survive, you will need to do difficult things, make hard decisions…” He looked down, wistfully.
“V… The fight I’m referring to, it is a fight of respect. In this fish’s final moments, it and I both come to terms with our fate. It’s fate being death, mine being survival; however, in this comes a form of respect for one another. The fish respects that I am in control, its fate literally in my hands, and I respect the life this animal has sacrificed for my own good. Do you understand?”
I looked up at him and shrugged. At the time, his words confused me, but here, 16 years later, they make more sense to me than anything.
I thought back to Saul, and how I wished terribly that I could have held him in his final moments, to tell him how much I appreciated his role for my survival. I wished that he knew that without his sacrifice, I would not be here, surviving. I wished he knew how much I respect him.
“V? You were saying something?” Panam’s voice shook me back to the present.
I sighed, shaking my head. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I finally met her gaze.
“Thank you,” I said, warmth flooding my heart. “Thank you for sacrificing everything for me.”