Harry and Andromeda talk about Teddy again
Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
Andromeda sighed, crossing one knee over the other. “Do you remember how we talked about Teddy a while ago? You suggested that I buy a dress.”
“Goodness, that was six months ago, but, yes, I remember….What about it?” Harry sipped his tea knowing what it was about, but not sure if he should let that on.
“Teddy told me….” Andromeda sighed. “He—they told me they don’t know if they’re a boy or a girl or both or something else. Not in those exact words, but something like that. And now they keep asking for dresses and stuff even more and….I don’t know what to do.”
“Andi, how old is Teddy?”
“I….You know how old he is.”
“They. I know hold old they are. And it’s not about whether or not I know, I’m making a point.”
“Right. They’re three.”
“Exactly, And, three. Sure, some three year olds know their gender, but many don’t. Or think they do, but figure out it’s something else later. That’s not just toddlers either, you can realize your gender is different than you thought at any age. That’s why I’m not forcing any expectations onto Sage. Teddy doesn’t want you to assume who they are either since they don’t even know yet.”
“But….All toddlers have people assuming their gender. Everyone does.”
“So?”
“So?”
“Why does it matter what everyone else does or thinks? I know you love Teddy, Andromeda. And it is more loving to let them figure out who they are at their own pace and not force them to be a boy.” Harry tried his best to explain, but only Andromeda could truly make her choice.
“But—but he was fine with being a boy before. I mean they were.”
“No they weren’t….Don’t you remember that conversation we had. You told me Teddy kept switching between referring to themself as a boy and girl.”
“I….Well, yes, that is true.” Andromeda allowed, rubbing her arm as fought not to try and rub the anxiety from where it was tingling inside her nose. “But….I don’t know what to do.”
“Andi, you’ve had a three year old before. I know you loved, love, Tonks, but you’ve admitted yourself that it being the seventies affected things. Don’t you want to do better for Teddy? Let them be themself in ways Tonks couldn’t have even if she wanted to?”
“Of course I do.” She almost whimpered, but that was un-Black like and no matter what she thought of the family it was impossible to completely disregard everything.
“Then you can’t gender them….Even though Teddy doesn’t know much about themself yet, they know more than you do, so you have to trust them that it is better now to let them just be Teddy and use They/Them pronouns. Doing this isn’t going to hurt anything, but if you force them into masculinity, whether they end up a boy or not, it can be really traumatizing….And, I’m not trying to belittle you, but this is important, they may not ever come to you for important things again, which can be dangerous.”
“Dangerous?”
“What if they’re bullied? Assaulted? Raped? They need to be able to come to you for help and support in those situations, but if they don’t feel safe with you or think you don’t believe them and/or care about what they have to say, they probably won't. And, sure, they may come to me or another adult, but….They’ll really need you if that happens and, honestly, your lack of support may make them think others won’t either so they might not even tell someone else.”
Andromeda sniffled a little, crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t want them to feel unsafe or unheard or to be hurt….I want to be a good grandmother, good guardian, I just….It’s so scary, I’ve never done this before. Sure, I had Tonks, but that was different. It was a different century, I was younger, she was my daughter, I hadn’t lost my daughter, or husband….Teddy has lost their parents and I lost my family too and I don’t know what to do, Harry. Ever, about anything. I try to be strong and carry on but it’s hard, god dammit, it's hard. And I feel alone and broken and I just don’t know what to do….I feel like a failure of a person, a guardian, a family member; and not just to Teddy.”
“Andi, you are not a failure. You’re a wonderful, intentelligent, strong, amazing, inspirational woman. I am so glad to have you in my life and I know you can be, are, an amazing guardian and grandmother for Teddy. Sage and Victoire too. I know it’s hard sometimes, but you really are doing great, better than I could, and I’m not just saying that….I love you, Andi, and I am honored that you’re part of my family.” Harry felt himself begin to tear up, but didn’t hold it back. Miranda was always saying that it was fine, good even, to show his emotions, and he thought that was especially true right now. Andromeda needed to see it was okay.
“I’ll….I’ll use gender neutral terms for them and I’ll let them be whoever they are.” She promised. “I just….I don’t know what to do about me.”
“About you?”
“I feel so bad all of the time. I don’t want to feel like this, but there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s horrible.”
“You could see a therapist. Mine, Miranda, has been really helpful for me. I feel a lot better and safer after the past year of seeing her.”
Andromeda sighed. “Oh, Harry, as lovely as that sounds, I’m too old to see a therapist.”
“There’s no such thing.” He assured. “Besides, going by magical standards, you’re not even middle aged.”
“That doesn’t change how long I’ve lived, we still mature at the same rate…..Besides, I couldn’t handle the embarrassment of it all….Even telling you all of this is hard, Harry, and you’re family, not a complete stranger.”
“It is embarrassing, but, for me at least, that feeling decreases over time. I know it’s hard and scary and you really don’t want to, but…I think therapy could really change things for you. I won’t, can’t, force you to do anything, but I heavily suggest at least trying it out.”
“I don’t know Harry….Maybe.”
“Maybe.” It was a yes, but it also wasn’t a no and that was enough for Harry at the moment. He really just wanted her to begin healing and start feeling better.
She didn’t deserve all this pain.