One of Harry's therapy sessions
Saturday, June 9th, 2001
Miranda Lovelace gave a smile as Harry sat in his usual plush blue chair, she had multiple options, but he never chose a different one. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"
"Our one yearh anniversary." Harry immediately responded, of course he remembered, he had been thinking about it for a couple weeks.
Miranda laughed. "That makes it sound a bit like we're in a relationship which isn't exactly appropriate, but yes. Your first meeting with me was on June 10th, 2000. Why do you think I brought this up?"
"Because....A year is a long time....I don't know...."
"You're not exactly wrong. Harry, you've made a lot of progress in the past year and I think it's a good idea to talk about it. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah, why not? Though I don't really know if I've changed that much."
"Oh? And why not?"
"I don't know, I....I feel the same."
"Well, you would. As you change you don't really realize you are until you look back on it. Because as you change the so-called 'new you' just becomes your normal."
"Well...." Harry gently ran his right hand through his hair, a lot different from the hard tugging from months prior. Maybe he was changing. "Can you give me examples?"
"When was the last time you refused to do something because it went against one of the Dursley's rules? Not was scared to do something or was hesitant or regretted it. Refused to."
"....A couple months ago, I think....But, I still feel bad about a lot of stuff."
"Yet, you're still doing those things." Miranda pointed out, pausing to let Harry figure out what happened next.
"Well, yes, but...."
"But?"
"It doesn't feel like enough."
"What exactly is enough, though? Do you have any idea of what would satisfy you?"
"Well...." He knew what she meant: there was no end. If he thought it wasn't enough right now, he never would. "I guess when I'm fully healed."
"We've talked about this before, haven't we? Completely healing isn't a thing, you're never going to be 100% free from your past, and that is okay. The goal here is to learn how to manage the bad things and experience better ones, not to complete erase your history."
"Right." Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead. "It's just hard to not....Not....I don't know."
"It's okay, you don't have to always have the right words. I know you perhaps want to sound like you completely understand everything I say and you feel, but that's not always possible."
"Why not?"
"As people we need time to process things and we often feel things without knowing what they are or mean. That's why so many people suggest that everyone does therapy if only a couple meetings a year. It can be really beneficial to understanding ourselves and the choices we make better."
"Sage is a year old now." Harry didn't know how else to respond, this fact about his child just seemed so important in the moment.
"I know....On the 2nd, right?"
"Yeah...." He inhaled deeply, as he did quite a lot since beginning to see Miranda. "It just feels...wrong. Like there's no way a year has passed....It doesn't even feel like any time has passed since Teddy was born, maybe even before that....I still sort of just feel like a sixteen year old."
"That's not uncommon for people who have experienced a lot of childhood trauma, trauma in general, or even just big life events. And you've experienced all of those. Abuse, bullying, the war, Teddy and then Sage being born."
"I don't....Sometimes I don't think I'm capable of raising Sage, like I said, I mostly feel like a sixteen year old, sometimes younger. I don't want to endanger them by not being mentally capable to handle a child, or maybe even myself. I still sometimes think that I should give them up to Andi or one of my friends or their other grandparents....Would that be better for them?"
"Well, Harry, I'm not in your house so I can't say 100% either way, but, from what I hear, you seem to be doing an amazing job. They get love and attention and food and toys and shelter and clothes. I can tell you really care about them, as does the rest of the family, so I see no reason from my knowledge why you shouldn't raise them."
"But...sometimes....I would rather play or watch cartoons than feed them. Or I....I don't know....I don't know if I'm safe."
"In these cases do you feed them anyway?"
"Of course! I don't want them to starve to death or be in pain or anything."
"Then it sounds like you're doing just fine....Harry, all parents need breaks from their kids sometimes to just live life. Some go on dates, others party, and more. It's okay if your break is spent playing with toys and watching cartoons, it's your break. There's no shame in what you choose to do during those times."
"I don't really take that many breaks from Sage." Harry admitted, fighting the urge to bite his lip. "I just....I don't want them to get hurt or something and me not be there to help them."
Miranda gave a soft smile which always helped calm Harry down a bit. "That's a normal part of parenthood, but it's still important for those breaks to happen. It allows you to just exist as a person and not a parent, it allows Sage to find security and a safe feeling even when you're not near them, and it lets your family spend more alone time with Sage. It can definitely be scary, but this is a milestone you guys need to start working on."
"But....How?"
"I think the hardest time will be your first, so you really just have to get it over with....I don't care when it happens, but sometime before I see you next I want you to spend twenty-four hours away from Sage."
"Twenty-four hours?!"
"Yes. You could, for example, go from 8:00 A.M. to 8:00 A.M., but another schedule would work. Still I want a full twenty-four hours, down to the minute, to pass where you two do not see each other, unless it's an emergency."
"But, they'll miss me."
"They will, but they also need to learn to be independent from you. I'm not saying you can never hold your baby again or that you have to disappear for a full day every week, not at all. But, you do have to be able to live without each other for short periods of time. And I think starting with twenty-four hours is a good idea because it lets you plunge right in, so next time when I suggest, say, twelve hours apart, it won't seem so scary."
"What happens if I can't last the full twenty-four hours? If I pick them up early?"
"That's okay. This is a learning process, besides they're only a year old. No, they can't be around you constantly forever, but they still have a few years before it starts becoming a problem."
"Why would it be a problem?"
"Well you're planning on sending them to Hogwarts, right?"
"If they want to go."
"Then if they're not able to spend time away from you, how are they supposed to thrive at a boarding school? And later on as an adult?"
"They don't have to go to Hogwarts, or any boarding school."
"But, what if they want to, but can't handle the separation? Not to mention this is good breeding grounds for separation anxiety which we, of course, want to avoid to the best of our ability." Miranda explained with the deep desire that Harry would hear her, but not wanting to force it or even try and coerce him that direction.
Harry dipped his head back over the chair and sighed. Miranda was right, but that didn't mean he liked it. "Okay....Can we make more plans for it first though?"
Again, she smiled. "Of course."