Sage's 1st Birthday
Saturday, June 2nd, 2001
How did one have a birthday party for a one year old?
Did you have guests? Cake? What sort of presents?
Would Sage get overwhelmed with too many people? Upset when they were older that no one was there? Overwhelmed by a birthday in general?
If some people came, how would he choose? Andromeda and Teddy and Ron and Hermione seemed like obvious choices at first, but he was just as close with many other people now. What about Molly and Arthur? Or Pansy?
Harry went down the list tackling the easiest first before moving on to harder ones.
Should there be cake? Yes. Harry wanted to eat cake.
What presents? Stuffed animal(white lamb), toy instrument(drums), and a life-skill toy(baby doll that came with an extra change of clothes and a bottle). All fun and otherwise useful.
Should there be people and if so who? Yes. Hermione and Ron(they were his first friends), Andromeda(she didn’t get to see him at Christmas), Teddy (for a playmate and because he had to go everywhere Andi did), Pansy(Harry wanted to get to know his sister’s girlfriend better), and George(he needed some happiness—Lee would have been welcome except he was busy working)—anymore than that was too many for a first birthday in Harry’s eyes, so some unfortunate cuts were forced to be made.
Then Harry had to make a schedule:
Pre- 8:00 A.M.: Same as always
8:00-12:00: Extra bonding time
12:00-2:00: Same as always—lunch and nap
2:00-3:00: Sensory playtime and getting ready for guests
3:00-600: Presents, playing, other party stuff
6:00-7:00: Early dinner, goodbyes, settling down
7:00-7:30: Usual night time routine(half an hour early)
7:30-8:00 P.M.: Cuddling, lullabies, and stories until Sage fell asleep
8:00-9:00: Decompression time for Harry
9:00-9:30: Cleaning up
9:30-10:00: Harry’s night time routine
10:00: Sleep
Everything went perfectly, or at least as perfect as anything involving a newly one year old could go, until 4:59.
“No more.” Sage whined, climbing into Harry’s lap, away from where Teddy was still playing on the ground. “No more.”
“No more what, Pumpkin?” Harry paused his conversation with Lee, over George’s new phone, to give his full attention to the barely toddler.
“Teddy!” They had just recently learned how to correctly say his name. “No more.”
“You don’t want Teddy to be here anymore?”
“No.”
“How come, love? Did he do something or are you just tired of being around him right now?”
“Yes!” Sage crossed their arms indignantly.
“Which one, love?”
“Yes.” They insisted, seeming to be becoming annoyed quicker than usual, for a reason Harry was unsure of.
“Did Teddy do something to upset you?”
“Yes!”
“Are you tired of being around him?”
“Yes!”
“Is it just because of what he did to you?”
Sage paused. “No!”
“Can you tell me what Teddy did to you? That upsets you?” Harry rubbed their back in an effort to calm them a bit, but they didn’t seem to even feel it.
“No!”
“You can’t tell me?”
“No.”
“Can you tell me why you can’t tell me what he did?”
“Hard.”
“The words are hard to say?” He confirmed.
“Yes.” Sage’s voice lost the anger and they now mostly just sounded sad and overwhelmed.
“Can I ask Teddy about it?”
“....Yes….”
“Teddy?” Harry called him over, letting Sage walk away to where Hermione and Ron were sitting across the room in the meantime.
“Yeah, Uncle Harry?” Teddy claimed Sage’s previous seat on the man’s lap, though seemed significantly less upset.
“Do you know how Sage is feeling right now?” He kept his voice calm but firm to let Teddy know that it was a serious conversation, but to not be scared.
“....No.”
“Do you think they’re happy right now?” Harry nodded over to where Sage was being rocked by Ron’s arms, a sullen expression still gracing their face.
Teddy glanced over, pursuing his lips at the sight. “....Is Sage happy?”
“What do you think?”
“Um…no….” The older toddler admitted. “....No ‘cause their face is making a sad face.”
“That’s right, kiddo. Sage is sad and angry and frustrated right now, not happy.”
“But, Sage is always happy.” He insisted, glancing hesitantly back at his younger cousin. “Always.”
“Hun, no one is always happy. You’re right that Sage is usually in a good mood, but that doesn’t mean they always will be….Do you know what made Sage feel bad?”
“No….Is it my fault?” Teddy suddenly seemed a lot less self-confident, glancing between Harry and Sage every few seconds, a frown on his lips.
“I don’t know….” Harry admitted, unsure on how he was supposed to handle this, but knowing it was important and shouldn’t be put off any longer than absolutely necessary. “Sometimes we accidentally say or do things to people that make them feel sad or angry. You’re not responsible for others' emotions, they are, but if you make them feel bad, on accident or on purpose, it’s important to say sorry and try to make them feel good again.”
“What if they don’t wanna forgive you? Or listen to your ‘pology?”
“Then you have to accept it, and give them space. Someone doesn’t have to immediately, or ever, forgive you. And you don’t have to forgive everyone, or anyone, or hurt you.”
“People will hurt me?” Teddy whimpered.
“Yes.” Harry had to be honest. “Not always intentionally, but sometimes people will say or do stuff to you that will make you feel sad or angry or frustrated or embarrassed, or multiple of those. It’s just a part of life, I’m afraid….But, you can always go to me, or Gran, or a cousin, or someone else that makes you feel safe….And if someone is mean to you on purpose or physically hurts you, you should always, quickly tell a safe adult—okay?”
“....Okay….” He sniffled, but wasn’t crying. “....I didn’t mean to hurt Sage.”
“I know, honey, but you still have to make up for it, you still hurt them….Can you tell me what happened? Before Sage got upset and left?”
“I don’t know….We was just talking and I was building blocks and Sage was coloring next to me.” Teddy assured, still sniffling a bit.
“What were you talking about?”
“I’m a boy.”
“I know.”
“And Vikki’s a girl.”
“Right.”
“But, Sage is just—just nothing.” Teddy shrugged. “So I asked what they really are.”
“What they really are?”
“A girl or a boy.”
“Teddy, not everyone is a boy or a girl. Some people are both, others neither, and for some people it’s more complicated than that. For others when they’re born people think they’re a girl but actually they’re a boy, or people think they’re a boy but they’re really a girl.”
“But….” He looked utterly lost. “There are penisis and vagina’s….Nothing else.”
“First of all: there are other things, just because those are the two most common genitals, doesn’t mean they’re the only ones. Second of all: whether you’re born with a penis or vagina or something else is part of your sex not your gender.”
“What’s the diffe’nce?”
“The difference is that sex is what your body is, and gender is what your brain and soul are. In other words: sex is what you look like and gender is what you really are.”
“So, I could be a girl with a penis?” Teddy seemed mystified.
“Considering you can make your body look like whatever you want: you could be a girl with a vagina right this second, but yes.”
“Could I be both?”
“Both?”
“A boy and girl.”
“Sure, if that’s what you felt like and what made you happy.”
So, wait.” Teddy remembered what they had been talking about before. “Is Sage a boy or a girl or what on the inside? In their brain and soul?”
“We don’t know yet, that’s why we don’t call them either. You can’t know anyones gender unless they tell you, so you should talk about strangers the same way we do Sage.”
“With they and stuff instead of he and she?”
“Exactly.” Harry praised, ruffling the three year olds lilac curls.
“But, then, how did everyone know I was a boy when I was born?”
“We didn’t.”
“Then why does everyone call me a boy? No one ever asked me if I was one….Don’t I get a say in it?!”
“Yes, Teddy, you do have a say in whether or not we call you a boy, but you see….” How was he supposed to explain this? “Most people look at their baby's body when they are born and based on what it looks like treats them like a boy or a girl.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know….It’s just how it has been for so long most people don’t even question it.”
“Well….Well maybe I don’t want to be called a boy just ‘cause people thought I looked like one when I was born! I’m not even a baby anymore, it doesn’t count!” Teddy crossed his arms in anger at the injustice of the world, already following in his parents footsteps, though hopefully not too far.
“Do you want to be treated like a girl?”
“I—I don’t know….I might be three but that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out yet!” Teddy seemed close to tears, but Harry, despite trying to remain serious because this was an important conversation, was fighting against saying ‘baby’s first mid-life crisis’.
“Do you want us to use ‘they’ and all the other gender neutral terms for you like we do Sage?”
“Gender nutal?
“Gender neutral. It means that something isn’t just for boys or girls—it’s used for everyone.”
“Then yes!” Teddy seemed happy for a moment, before becoming distressed again. “Sage a gender nutwal name?”
“Yes.”
“Is Teddy?”
“Yes, Teddy is gender neutral.”
“Is Edward?”
“No, Edward is usually only used for boys.” Harry had to admit, hating the look his godchild got at that revelation.
“Then—then I don’t wanna be Edward anymore!” More sniffling. “I just wanna be Teddy.”
“Okay, that’s fine, but Teddy?”
“Yeah?”
“Just because your name is mostly used for boys or mostly used for girls doesn’t mean you have to be that gender. You can be any gender with any name, appearance, interests, anything. Because even though people think some stuff is boy stuff and some stuff is girl stuff that doesn’t mean it is. There’s no boy stuff and girl stuff, just stuff, so don’t think you can’t like certain clothes or toys because of your gender, no matter what it ends up being. Okay?”
“Okay.” Teddy nodded, seeming to calm down a lot more now, but still a bit confused. “But….I still just wanna be Teddy.”
“That’s just fine. And if you want that to change in the future, that’s also fine. You can always go back to being Edward, or pick a whole new name, okay?”
“Okay.” They went silent, curling into Harry’s side for comfort, but eventually stood back up. “I’ll go say sorry to Sage now.”
“That’s a great idea, but Teddy, are you actually sorry or just saying it because I told you too?”
“I’m really sorry.” They insisted. “Feel so…sad I said that now.”
“Okay, kiddo, go ahead then.”
Harry eased back into his chair, removing the silencing charm he had put up around the time Teddy began explaining what happened, and sighed as heavily as possible.
He and Andi needed to have a very important conversation now—but, it could wait until tomorrow; today was already so much.