May: It’s love. That pain is love. I know, because I was afraid of it too. But you let me feel it. You gave that gift to me. You pulled me out of that cubicle. You gave me purpose. A crew. Remember me. Remember us. Daisy, Mack and Yo-Yo, Fitz and Simmons. You love us.
*****
Sarge heard May’s words and felt the pain in his heart. The agony which had haunted him for so many years and now, finally, he knew its source. He could cut it out and be free… but did he want that?
He could kill May and be free of that pain. Join Izel as she claimed he always meant to. She claimed this was his plan, that he’d sent her to free their race.
Or he could kill Izel and stay with May and his ‘family’ at Shield, to live another man’s life.
He just didn’t know which course to take and he knew he didn’t have long to decide. Whatever he chose would be permanent. Death for one of them, possibly for himself and maybe that was the right choice.
He glanced at Izel, reaching a hand out to her, before he turned back to May, his sword raised and felt Izel moved closer to him. May watched him with such heartbreak it was painful, even more than the normal agony he felt. He couldn’t make that worse but he knew he had to. He had no other choice.
“Pachakutiq!” Izel called. “It is time to finish this.”
Sarge nodded, meeting May’s eyes once more, hoping she’d understand, before he spun and stabbed Izel in the chest. He heard May gasp behind him but ignored her as he released the sword and held Izel as she collapsed to the floor, her eyes wide with disbelief.
“I’m sorry,” Sarge whispered to her as she turned to dust in his arms, the sword dropping to the ground with a clang. Somehow, after decades of hunting Izel, killing her made him feel hollow inside. Empty.
“Coulson?” May called out, relief in her voice but Sarge shook his head as he grabbed his sword again. He rose to his feet and backed away from her. “Sarge?” May tried again, one hand reaching for him. “Give me the sword. Please, Sarge,” She almost… no, she did beg him.
“I can’t do this,” Sarge told May, his heart hurting at the look on her face, in her eyes. “I can’t. I’m not Coulson. I’m not him. I’m not…” He shook his head and raised the sword as she took a step towards him. “I can’t do this.”
“May!” Daisy called out, skidding to a stop when she realised the stand off between May and Sarge.
Mack followed her in, pointing his shotgun at the only target present. “Where’s Izel?”
“Sarge killed her,” May said, her hands raised as she tried to calm Sarge down. “Put the sword down, Sarge.”
Sarge shook his head, backing away until his back hit the temple wall. “I can’t.” He looked at them, at May, at Daisy and the hope in their eyes. He shook his head, feeling so empty, so hollow inside. “I can’t do this.” He was a monster, just like Izel had been, and there was only one thing to do with monsters. He looked at his sword and smiled. “This is the only way,” he said before reversing his grip on the sword and raising it.
“No!” May screamed as she moved towards him, intent on stopping him stabbing himself, killing himself. Daisy moved first, quaking the sword until it shattered into a million pieces, leaving Sarge holding only the hilt.
Sarge screamed before collapsing to his knees, his emotional turmoil unleashing his powers, knocking them flying until Daisy quaked him once more, knocking him out.
May scrambled to her feet and ran to him, gathering Sarge in her arms and holding him as he struggled back to consciousness. Tears running down her face as she heard him repeat, “I’m not him. I can’t do this.” Daisy and Mack approached carefully, and May noticed Fitz and Simmons were with them.
Simmons dropped to her knees beside them, a hand reaching out for Sarge before he tried to twist free of May as he begged, “Kill me. Please, kill me before I kill you.”
May wouldn’t release him and Sarge couldn’t, wouldn’t hurt her. He struggled against her but he couldn’t use his powers against her, even to escape, but they had to understand he was a monster. That he had to die to save them. He screamed in agony. “Please, let me die. Just let me die. Please. Please, let me die. Just let me die.” Unknowingly repeating the words Coulson had so many years before and equally unknowingly hurting the Shield team. He was barely aware of something being snapped closed on his wrists or of the needle being slipped into his arm and then he fell into the welcoming darkness.
*****
Sarge slowly woke, disorientated and blinked at the light above him, he heard the monitors bleeping behind him and slowly realised he was back in medical, cuffed once more to a bed. It took slightly longer for him to remember what had happened – that he had killed Izel, that he had begged the Shield agents to kill him, that he was a monster – and he tried to break free. He frowned when he realised he couldn’t, he felt so tired, so weak and he didn’t know why. He was… he didn’t know any more, but whoever he was, he should have been able to escape.
“Awake at last,” Jemma’s cheerful voice broke into Sarge’s thoughts and he blinked at her. “The effects of the drug should wear off soon,” she continued before shining a light into his eyes, making him blink and turn his head away. “Keep still,” she ordered and he found himself obeying.
“Why?” He finally asked, his mouth dry and voice croaky.
“Why?” May repeated and Sarge started, not realising she was there. “Why what?”
Sarge glanced between Jemma and May before licking his dry lips. “Why am I here?” He swallowed, the feeling of being empty and hollow rising inside him until he swallowing convulsively and felt another needle sink into his arm.
“That should stop the nausea,” Jemma said as she patted his arm.
Sarge felt May take his hand and he frowned at the cuff around his forearm, thinking it was overkill to have strapped him down twice before he realised it wasn’t fastened to anything. He felt May squeeze his hand and forced his attention from the cuff to her face, almost flinching at the look in her eyes. “Sarge?”
He shook his head, yanking on the restraining cuffs and closing his eyes. “Why am I here?” He repeated. “I’m not him. I’m not. I’m not him. I’m…” He broke off when he felt May’s hand on his face, opening his eyes to met hers. “I’m not. I’m not him.”
“Shh,” May said, stroking his face and Sarge turned into her caress, needing the comfort even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t him.
Sarge heard footsteps and looked up to meet the gazes of Mack, Daisy and Yo-Yo. He swallowed convulsively once more, the feeling of being hollow, empty trying to rise once more but held at bay by May’s touch or the drugs or both and he didn’t know and didn’t know if he cared. He swallowed again, feeling May squeeze his hand and met Mack’s gaze. “Why?”
Mack’s gaze flickered away from his, towards May or Jemma, before he looked back at Sarge. “Why what?”
Mack would understand how much he threatened them, Yo-Yo would too and Sarge licked his dry lips again before he heard Jemma mutter something and then Sarge had a straw between his lips and cooling water in his mouth. He swallowed, the water refreshing and more than he deserved and he jerked free, water splashing his chin.
“Easy,” Jemma murmured and Sarge felt his chin wiped before the straw was placed back between his lips. “Just a little more. The sedatives dry your mouth.”
Sarge wanted to refuse but May squeezed his hand again and he shifted his gaze from Mack to hers and nodded when he met her eyes, pleading with him. The water was refreshing and eased the dryness in his mouth. It was only after several swallows he realised quite how thirsty he was and he sought more, making Jemma ease the straw free for a moment as she told him to drink it slowly or he’d make himself sick. Once the straw was back, he obeyed Jemma’s instructions, and closed his eyes as he relished the water trickling down his throat. He moaned when Jemma slipped the straw free once more, feeling her pat his shoulder before promising him he could have more later.
A cleared throat had Sarge open his eyes once more, meeting Daisy’s gaze as she smiled at him, amused. He shook his head, needing them to know, to understand. “I’m not him. I’m not Coulson. I’m...” He felt May’s fingers on his lips and trailed off.
“We know,” Mack began, drawing Sarge’s gaze back to him. “But...”
Sarge shook his head, meeting Mack’s gaze. “I’m a monster. Shield kills monsters.” He felt May flinch, saw Daisy and Jemma do the same, but he had to make them understand but all he saw was pain and determination in Mack’s eyes. Sarge yanked on the cuffs again, feeling them bit into his wrists were the other cuffs didn’t cover his skin. He tried to draw on his powers, needing them to make the Shield agents understand but felt nothing. He frowned and glanced at the cuffs, his memories – Coulson’s memories – telling him what they were and he laughed, a hollow, empty sound which had everyone else flinching. That explained why he was cuffed twice, why they had him tied down. They might… might have taken his powers but he could still kill himself, maybe. Or come back even stronger and maybe that was what they feared. They shouldn’t have stopped him, they should have let him use his sword and then it would have all been over. He twisted and yanked on the cuffs again, arching his back to gain more leverage and felt a needle sink into his skin again. “Please, let me die. Let me die. Just let me die. Please. Please, let me die. Let me die. Just let me die.” He saw tears stream down May’s face, down Jemma’s and Daisy’s and then he welcomed the darkness.
*****
Tears ran down May’s face as she caressed Sarge’s, his hand still tightly grasped in hers. She jerked around when Yo-Yo said, “You should have let him die.” Yo-Yo met her gaze, her eyes hard. “He wants to die. He’s dangerous. A monster.”
“And the cuffs stop his powers,” Jemma replied. “He tried to use them earlier and couldn’t.”
“For now,” Yo-Yo replied. “He’s weak and drugged, but later...”
“We’ll deal with that then,” Mack cut in. “Sarge helped us so he’s not a monster.”
“And he’s not Coulson,” Yo-Yo replied.
“I know,” May snapped at her. “But he’s not a monster either, he didn’t use his powers against us at the temple and Shield doesn’t turn its back on people.”
“Even when they’re killers?” Yo-Yo snapped back. “Just because he looks like Coul...” She trailed off and shook her head, threw up her hands and muttered something in Spanish before leaving.
“But what do we do with him?” Jemma asked. “I can’t keep drugging him and we can’t keep him tied up forever.”
Mack glanced at May, Daisy and Jemma and saw their need to help Sarge. “I don’t know.” He sighed. “See how he is when he wakes up again. We’ll help him if we can, but he has to want it.” He met May’s eyes. “He has to want to live.”