Avengers Family

1.
Sam marched up the stairs and flopped down on the couch. “Something wrong?” Natasha spoke up from her spot at the kitchen table. “Steve and Tony are butting heads again about some defense strategy that we’re probably never going use. We all just wing it anyway. Rhodey and I tried to knock some sense into them, but they’re still yelling down in the lab. Well, not really yelling, more like an incredibly loud, stubborn, and childish conversation.” She smirked, “At least things are back to normal.”

“Now, my wing won’t even get repaired today. I was hoping they would be more mature after all that.” “Right?” Pepper in to grab something from the box on the coffee table. They all sat around ranting about their teammate’s stupid tendencies, but as they went on, they found it hard to stay mad and each vice was said in an endearing way.

Peter walked in from school just as Steve and Tony emerged from their spot, looking like they found a resolution. “Did you guys finally grow up and use your words?” Pepper asked in a voice you would use on a child.

“Did something happen while I was gone? Was it a mission? Wait, you guys aren’t suited and there wasn’t anything on the news. Did you guys fight each other again? Come on, spill the tea.”

“What?”

“Oops, was I off? It kinda seemed like you guys had gotten into a fight before this. No offense.”

“They got into an argument about fighting strategies, but it’s all resolved now. Why would you want us to spill our drinks?” Pepper flashed a puzzled expression.

“Your drink?” Peter repeated “Oh, the tea. It’s just expression. You know like share the gossip. I forget how old you guys are sometimes.”

“What was that?” Steve piped in. “I think I’m doing pretty well for nearly one hundred.” He lunged at Peter and threw him into a cushy chair. “I think you need tp learn some respect young man.” His voice was only mockingly serious as he started tickling Peter’s sides.

“I actually agree with Capsicle this time ‘young man’” Tony joined in.

Soon there was an all out tickle war between everyone, every man for themselves.

2.
“Were you even trying?” Bucky sneered as Peter swung another punch at him and missed. “I must’ve been really sick or something if this string bean knocked me down at the airport.”

“Now that we aren’t enemies, I’d feel too bad hurting you. Can’t let the geezer break his hip, right?” Peter flipped over him and pushed Bucky down onto the mat. “Good thing Ant Man had your back because I can beat you without the webs.”

Bucky smiled, “Really? I think you made one big mistake.” Peter looked down in confusion. “Being a cocky son of a bitch.” Peter and Bucky both laughed as he stood up and threw him into a soft part of the padding.

Peter curled up and teased, “You wouldn’t hurt a poor defenseless teenager, would you? That’s just horrifying."

“Who are the theatrics for? You might get away with this silliness on your phone, but you aren’t fooling me” Bucky quipped back in a goodnatured tone. He backed off to show that he wasn’t going to attack again and grabbed a water bottle.

Peter hopped up, “I’ll have you know, the FBI agent who watches me through my phone loves my dramatic ass. It’s a great show.” He added in a little pout for good reason.

“Did you say someone is spying on you?” Bucky immediately perked up at that. “No-“ Bruce, who had just passed by the door, ran in “Peter, someone is spying on you through the phone? That isn’t good. If they can hack Stark tech, they can hack all of our phones and some of us have important information on there. Do you know who it was? Have you made any enemies recently? Do you have some stupid password or something? We should get Tony. Bring your phone.”

“Wait, but I-“ “Go quickly, we don’t know how much data is being downloaded.”

Peter was dragged down to the lab with his phone in hand.

“Peter’s phone has been hacked into. He says someone’s been watching him.”

“For how long? How could you tell? Do you know who it was?” Tony immediately started fiddling with the phone. “I’d just get you a new one, but I don’t know what happened.”

“He mentioned an FBI agent.”

“Damn, I thought I made these too complex for the government. Do you know how they did it?”

‘Everyone, hold up.” Peter put his arms out to stop everything. “No one is spying on me. It was a joke.”

The three men froze and shot him puzzled expressions.

“Petey, what are you talking about?”

“Um, it’s kinda a thing with teenagers. We joke about befriending the FBI agents who monitor our technology, but I know that’s not how it actually works. I know it’s the NSA and there isn’t one agent for everyone.”

They still looked confused, just not panicked.

“Here let me show you” Peter reached for his phone and pulled up some memes.

“The government agent is going to let it go just because he put ‘haha jk’ after his search for ’how to make a bomb at a terrorist level’?” “How would this agent even know that this man wanted to hook up with the person he’s texting? And why would he help him?"

Bruce and Tony weren’t getting it. Bucky had just left. Phones were already too much for him. He needed to catch up with a lot of stuff before he even got into this ‘meme culture’.”

“Whatever…” Peter sighed. “I’m fine okay?”

3.
Peter, Tony, and Steve sat in the back of the car with Happy in the front. The car was parked, but Happy couldn’t back up due to the constant stream of cars leaving behind him, Being New York, no one was letting him in, and it was such a small road that if he even tried to back up a little to get someone to stop, he would hit something.

They had just finished a fight. Aliens had materialized in an arena close to where Happy, Steve, and Peter were. Tony met them there. The fight and easy so it was over quickly. So quickly, in fact, that everyone was still in the middle of evacuating and thus, blocking their car. Sure, they could announce that Ironman, Spiderman, and Captain America were in the car and they could get a path cleared all the way home, but they didn’t want to deal with the publicity or fans at the moment.

“You know, if Happy just drove straight, we’d be on the road.”Tony grumbled. “Are you suggesting he drives through the hedges?” Steve asked incredulously. Everyone but Tony was totally content to sit in the warm, luxury vehicle because it was so comfortable. “I’d pay for it. Superheroes shouldn’t have to wait in traffic.” Steve checked to make sure the divider was up and Happy couldn’t hear. He knew that the man would probably follow Tony’s ridiculous request if he heard enough complaints.

“What a power move. That’s some BDE right there.” Peter glanced up from his physics homework and laughed at Tony’s distress at completely mundane things before resuming his work.

“What’s BDE?” Tony’s attention now on Peter.

“Uh,” Peter’s eyes flickered to Steve, “It’s nothing.”

“You can’t just say something and take it back kid. Haven’t you seen Cap’s PSA about thinking about the impact of your words?” Steve groaned, “Don’t bring those up.”

“Well, spill it.”

“Sorry Mr. Stark, I’m too focused on my homework. I can’t talk right now.”

Tony snatched the paper out of his hand, “I think I’ve already made it clear that I don’t care about homework.”

“Fine. It stands for big dick energy.” Peter shifted and stole his homework back.

“Peter,” Tony gasped in mock horror, “How dare you say such vulgar things, especially in front of Captain America.” Steve shot him a glare. “Seriously though, what the hell?”

“It’s a saying. It’s like confidence sort of. I don’t think you have it anymore though.” Peter sassed.

“What? I am always confident” Tony asserted.

“Yeah, but it’s like you’re confident but you aren’t smug about it.” Peter explained, trying to hide the grin that was creeping through his lips. “You have small dick energy right now Mr. Stark.”

Steve let out an involuntary sigh. When was traffic going to pick up again?

Tony put his hand over his chest and pretended to be hurt. “Im insulted that you’d think that, but I definitely have BDE.”

They arrived at the tower and Peter provoked Tony one last time before rushing up the stairs. Tony ran after him and when he made it to the complex. “FRIDAY, tell Peter I have a big dick.”

“Ew, Tony TMI,” Sam whined. Bruce had his mouth open. Natasha was shaking his head. Pepper grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into a private room. “What the fuck are you thinking talking about your dick to a child? That’s completely inappropriate and illegal?”

Tony shrunk down under Pepper’s gaze, “Well, he started it.”

That did not calm her down. Boy was he in for it.

4.
Bucky, Tony, Bruce, and Peter sat down to enjoy the delicious lasagna Sam had made before he and Steve were pulled away on business.

“Should we eat his food even though he had to leave?” Peter asked.

“Don’t worry about it Underoos. He was making it for everyone anyway. I know you’re hungry.” Bruce just shrugged and Bucky stared intently at the dish. He was strategizing a way to eat everything but one large piece, for Steve of course, so Sam wouldn’t get anything.

Bruce dished out the first pieces to everyone. It smelled amazing and you could see the cheese stretch as he pulled it out. Peter’s mouth was watering in anticipation. “Sam’s cooking is always so good. How does he even do it?” He wondered aloud.

“Who cares?” Tony responded before taking a large bite and making an exaggerated groan.

“Well, bone app the teeth,” Peter said as he dug in.

Tony laughed, “It’s bon appétit.”

“Yeah, bone apple tea” Peter replied taking another huge bite.

“Bon appétit"

“Boney African feet”

“Bon appétit”

“Blue nap defeat”

“Bon appétit”

“Bob ate the meat”

“Bon appétit”

“Crohn’s manatee”

“Bon appétit”

“Blind refugees”

Peter had kept a straight face, but watching Tony, Bruce, and Bucky become utterly confused was hilarious. He fell into a hysterical laughing fit. He couldn’t even hear what everyone else was saying.

“Did he hit his head on the last mission?” Bruce looked to Tony.

“I didn’t think so. I didn’t get anything from Karen either. Maybe he disabled her protocols again? Damn kid. Why does he hide his injuries to seem strong?”

Bucky was already scooping Peter into his arms and running to the medical room. Bruce was attaching stickers with wires through them when Peter calmed down enough to speak.

“What are we doing? Why am I here?”

“Don’t worry Peter, Bruce will do everything he can to make sure you get better.” Bucky reassured him.

“I’m sick? Was the lasagna poisoned?”

“What? No, it’s fine. You weren’t speaking right.”

“Let’s scan his cerebrum while he talks to see if there is any damage or swelling,” Bruce ordered.

“There’s a problem with my brain,” Peter squeaked, raising a hand cautiously to his head. Then he thought for a second. Trouble speaking? Did they mean the 'bon appétit’ thing? Peter fell into another fit of giggles.

“His emotions must be off too.” Tony’s face twisted in concern. “How could I not notice he hurt his head? He’s going to have permanent brain damage now.”

“Hey, don’t say that. Bruce will fix him.”

Seeing his friends and idol in pain killed his mood immediately. “Sorry, guys. I’m fine, really. You don’t have to do this.”

“Peter, don’t lie to us. We need to know about your injuries and you need to let us treat them.” Tony almost yelled in his anxious state, “Please tell me you are least remembering everything.”

“Is this about bon appétit?”

“He said it right, what did you do Bruce?”

“Nothing, I was still mapping out the area and looking for inconsistencies.”

“I was saying it wrong on purpose.”

“You were what?”

“It’s a meme.”

Tony walked out the door for a few minutes before coming back in. “You and your stupid internet jokes are going to be the death of me.”

5.
“It’s a big bunny, relax about it” Tony yelled as the whole team gathered around poking fun at his Christmas gift to Pepper. Everyone had come in to do an early Christmas celebration, and it was hard to miss the giant stuffed animal in the foyer of Tony’s mansion.

That’s why nearly every single person who went through the door decided to insult it.

That is - until Shuri and Peter walked in.

“An absolute unit”

“A chonk monster”

“Are those good things?" Tony asked hesitantly.

“Totally,” Shuri nodded.

“See, I told you it was a good gift,” He spun around and gestured to all the Avengers.

“For fifteen year olds. Do either of you want it?”

“Wouldn’t fit in my house.”

“Too large to fly with.”

“Absolute unit?” Tony mumbled to himself. “I shouldn't of made so much fun of Thor and Steve when they were learning modern Earth vernacular…"

6.
“It’s like those kids are speaking another language. How did I get so old?” Tony moaned over his cup of coffee.

That gave Steve an idea.

When Peter strolled into the kitchen, Steve turned to the man sitting next t him. “Hey, Buck”

“Mmhm?”

“Remember that dame from when we were younger? With the blonde hair and the blue eyes? She would always turn on for everyone because she was stacked and wore fancy clothing.”

Bucky studied Steve with a groggy haze in his eyes. He realized what Steve was trying to do and perked up immediately. “Yep, teach was always letting her get away with her fat-headed actions and hairy jokes.”

“And she started dating that Joe Blow who’s crew were all Freddie frats.”

“I remember him. He thought he was smooth with his duck tail and his pegged pants, but he was just a Beatnik from the boondocks.”

“Such a kook. Didn’t he jerk her around for months before she threw a hissy about him tossing the mirror warmer she gave him?”

“After they broke up, he got snockered and ended up in the slammer.”

“Holy Moly! He took a trip to the big house?”

“That’s straight. His old lady had to bail him out. She had to bum so much money to do it.”

“Everyone was saying he greased her new fella, but he was just blitzed. They were whistling dixie.”

“What’s going on?” Peter whispered to Tony.

“No idea,” He replied.

“Make you feel young?” Bucky grinned at him.

“No, just realized that I look worse than two men who are almost a century old. If you need me, I’ll be sulking in the lab.”

“I must be really tired. I couldn’t understand anything you guys were saying.” Peter mumbled. “Maybe I do have brain damage this time.” He followed Tony to the lab leaving behind two supersoliders who were laughing their heads off.