God's Punishing Me
The toilet seat was cold against his forehead, but Steve Rogers couldn’t find it in himself to move. He had been puking on and off again for the past two weeks, and it was the first time since the serum had been injected into him that it was happening. And even though he was bigger now it still took everything out of him. Literally. He remembered growing up, how he would puke every other week from whatever illness he had managed to pick up, and he had hoped he would never have to experience it again.
It didn’t make any sense; he couldn’t get sick, and he hadn’t been hit in the stomach during training so why was he puking?
Groaning Steve slowly straightened up and flushed the toilet, but still didn’t get off the floor. For once, Captain America didn’t have the strength to do so. Lately he didn't have the strength for much, preferring to spend his days locked in his room. Some days it was a fight with himself to eat, and sleeping wasn't a thing anymore.
Perhaps god was punishing him for what he did. Steve didn’t regret what side he took and if he knew the outcome before the ‘war’ he’d still stand on the side he did. But he did regret dragging his friends into his mess and ruining their lives. Clint and Scott were lucky to take a plea deal and be with their families, but Nat, Wanda, and Sam were wanted and had to hide with him. Deep down he knew it wasn’t his fault, they were adults and could make their own choices, but that’s who Steve was. He takes all the blame and guilt and puts it on his shoulders. He’s Captain America, that’s what he does.
But was he really in the wrong if he had the support he did? Bucky was automatically on his side, considering everything evolved around him. Wanda, Clint, Scott, and Sam had all taken his side in the beginning. And people who were initially on Tony’s side were now on his. King T’Challa was currently housing them, Vision had started to contact Wanda and would secretly meet with her and also stop by to say hi to everyone, and Nat had turned on Tony and helped them escape. And if Bruce and Thor had been with them he was sure they would side with him because Bruce would never sign with General Ross, and Thor did what he wanted. He was a prince after all. No, Steve didn’t think he was in the wrong.
But Tony. God did he regret what he did to his husband. He should have told him about his parents, but he was in such a good place and Steve didn’t want to set him back. He stopped drinking excessively and he slept for at least five hours a night and he ate at least two meals a day. Steve didn’t want to ruin what he had finally become. And it's not like he knew for sure that Bucky had killed his parents. Ninety nine percent of him was sure,but he had desperately held onto the one percent that said he hadn't.
‘He’s my friend’ Steve panted as he looked at Tony, pleading with his eyes for Tony to stand down. He didn’t want to fight, but he would if he had to. No matter how painful it was. He had lost Bucky once; he couldn't go through it again.
‘And I’m your husband’ Tony had said back, but there was no emotion in his voice. It was like he had already given up on them.
Steve dug the bottom of his palms into his eyes to stop the tears that were slowly forming before they had the chance to fall. He could still hear the way his shield hit the reactor, over and over again it played in his head like an annoying jingle you can’t unhear. Sometimes he would see himself decapitate his husband. Sometimes he'd watch him bleed out. But the worst was when he would kill Tony and his dream self wouldn't react. He was an emotionless soldier. Those nights he would wake up with puke on his pillow. Part of the reason he stopped sleeping. The other being he couldn't sleep alone anymore. A quiet knock on the door stopped his inner pity party.
“Hey Steve, you alright?” Bucky called quietly from the hallway. Bucky still didn’t have all his memories and could still be triggered at times, but he knew Steve was important in his old life and this one. He'd considered going into a cyro chamber until he was healed, but decided against it in the end after Steve had begged him not to. He’d do anything for Steve with memories, or without. Steve offered back a pitiful moan, and Bucky took that as an invitation to come in.
“Oh Punk” Bucky sighed as he took in the sight of his best friend, crumpled to the floor on his knees a shaky and sweaty mess.
“I don’t feel so good” Steve told him before lurching forward to start dry heaving into the toilet, and Bucky couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped past his lips.
“I figured” Bucky crouched down behind Steve and rubbed his back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He was still getting used to comfort and how to express it.
“Steve, we all agree this isn’t normal for you. Maybe you should take up T’Challa’s advice and go see one of his doctors” Steve sighed a protest already forming on his lips, but he knew he should go. After the serum he thought he’d seen the last of doctors, and he was happy about that. Most of his childhood was spent with a doctor and he would be happy to never see one again. In one month alone he’d seen more doctors then most people would see in their entire lives.
“Help me up” he ignored the look Bucky gave him at his request, not being able to handle seeing the added concern that swept across his face because Steve never asked for help, and held out his hands. Bucky helped steady him when he started to wobble and Steve shot him an appreciative smile.
“Always taking care of me” he said as they slowly shuffled out the bathroom door and down to the medical suite.
“Someone’s got to” while that was said in a teasing tone, and it should have made Steve laugh it didn’t. Because Tony had taken care of him. When Steve over worked himself in the gym and left his knuckles bloody, when Steve couldn’t sleep because he was scared when he woke up he’d yet again be in a different time, when he didn’t understand something and felt like a moron, or when he panicked because he’d walk into a freezing cold room Tony was there. He’d always been there. And now he was gone.
“You in there punk?” Bucky snapped him out of his thoughts by gently knocking his knuckles on the side of his head, and Steve offered him back a forced smile. He was becoming a pro of the fake smile and laughs.
“Ya, I’m here” the Winter Soldier didn’t look convinced, and why would he? He was a trained assassin forced to suppress his emotions and be able to read everyone else’s. Of course he would never believe Steve. But Steve was saved from questioning as they approached the doors to the medical room. Without knocking they walked in, and Steve hoped that that wasn’t considered rude here. They’d only been here a month and he was still unsure of the customs.
“Mr. Rogers, Mr. Barnes” a pretty female doctor greeted them, her accent thick just like everyone else’s. “I assume you are here because of Mr. Rogers puking?” So T’Challa must have known that Steve would eventually cave and see a doctor.
“Yes, I figured it was about time I got it checked out” he chuckled as he moved to sit down on the bed the doctor was patting.
“Alright, I will ask you a few questions, take some blood, maybe a urine sample, and then you’ll be good to go” Steve nodded. Despite the time change this was the same thing that happened before the serum.
“How long have you been puking?”
“Two weeks”
“What are you puking up? Bile, food, a mix of the two?”
“A bit of a mix, although if I eat something I usually puke it up. And certain smells can set it off” the doctor looked up at him for a second as if studying him, before she lowered her clipboard and looked at him with a new look.
“Mr. Rogers, I understand you were married to Mr. Stark” Steve couldn’t hold back his flinch at the ‘were’ “I have to ask. During intercourse were you the top or the bottom?” Steve felt his face flush, and he knew without looking into a mirror he probably resembled a tomato. Many assumed that Tony would be the bottom because of the size difference, but truth was he was not. Tony couldn't handle not being in control at all times after Afghanistan, and Steve needed to give up control. For them it just made sense for Tony to top and Steve to bottom.
“I don’t understand how that’s-” Steve cut himself off as he realized what she was hinting at. Oh shit. “Bottom” he whispered and the doctor nodded. Nobody knew when it happened. They didn't know if a chemical had been released in the air or water, or if it was hereditary but some men developed the ability to get pregnant. The first known case of male pregnancy was in 1912, just six years before he was born. Back then it was a rarity to see a pregnant male, but now a days no one even bat an eye. When Steve signed up for the military one of the things they needed to know was if he was able to get pregnant. After doing the test it was revealed he could.
“How long ago did you sleep with him?”
“About a week or two before we came here” He felt his heart start to speed up. Please don’t let it be true, please. I can’t handle it, not now. The doctor grabbed something from her desk and handed it to Steve. It was long and white and cool to touch. A pregnancy test.
“Bathroom is through that door. Pee on the stick and give it a few minutes. We’ll give you privacy” the doctor smiled, but it was almost pitying. Like she knew how Steve was feeling inside. Steve took the test without saying thank you, which must have really showed how he was feeling. Steve was always polite. He avoided looking at Bucky as he walked into the bathroom.
Please, please don’t let it be positive. Steve peed on the stick and sunk to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees as he waited. His stubble that he hadn't shaved scratched his jeans as he rest his cheek on his knees.
Sure, Tony and him had talked about starting a family together, but that was before everything had gone to shit. If they had a girl Tony got to pick the name, and Steve was one hundred percent sure he would choose the name Maria after his mother. Steve was allowed to pick the name if they had a boy, but Steve wasn’t sure what he’d pick. When they had talked about this, late at night in bed it almost seemed like something that could never happen. But of course, now that they weren’t together it seemed that it could become a reality. If he’s pregnant then he’s certain god really is punishing him, because why else wouldn’t he get pregnant when they were actually trying but when he didn’t want to be he would be?
It had been a few minutes. Shakily he grabbed the stick from the counter and brought it down to his face.
Positive