Decisions, decisions
"Steve you've got to eat" Natasha gently told him, pushing a bowl of pasta towards him. It had been three days since the confirmed pregnancy and Steve felt like a zombie. He didn't want to eat, his sleep was still non existent, and he stopped talking to everyone. It was exactly the same way he felt after he first woke up from the ice. The others had all tried to help him, but he didn't want it. He didn't need them to help with this parasite growing inside of him. It was just a reminder of what he couldn't have; a loving family with his husband.
Ex-husband
It still hadn't set in yet that he had to refer to Tony as his ex. Also he probably couldn't call him Tony anymore, could he? That was a nickname and nicknames are reserved for friends. But the thought of calling Tony Stark or Anthony sent a bad feeling through him. Stark was the owner of a company, Anthony was a troubled teen with shit parents, but Tony, Tony was his.
"I'm not hungry" he muttered, harshly shoving the bowl away from him. It rolled to its sides for a couple of seconds, dangerously close to spilling, but then settled. Natasha took a deep breath through her nose, in what he assumed was a way to calm down and not lash out. He had seen Bruce do it a few times when a situation might make him a little green.
Everyone had been fully supportive of him, all wanting to be there for him. Sam was thrilled to be an uncle, he wanted to also be god father but that was an argument for another time. Wanda was excited to have a baby around because that would be someone who would never have experienced what her powers were like before she got control of them so they wouldn't look at her with fear. Nat was a secret baby lover and she was already an aunt, so her family that she had found was continuing to grow. She'd never be alone again. And Bucky, while Bucky was nervous about having a rugrat around him while he was still mentally unstable he was so happy for the punk everyone had once said would never get laid.
The only problem was Steve himself. None of them could get him to take care of himself, not even Bucky, and they were at the end of their lines. Hence why Nat had to forcibly drag him out of bed and into the kitchen.
"Rogers, eat" Natasha demanded shoving the bowl back at him.
"Romanov, no" he shoved it back. It was childish, but he didn't care. So what if he didn't eat? He's been through much worse. So what if he has the fastest metabolism and needs to eat at least six meals a day, and so what if it could hurt the baby parasite? He'd be fine in the end. He'd much rather be in his bed where he could hide under the covers and slowly drift away. He was still debating on whether or not he would abort it. It was still small enough that if he did it wouldn't feel any pain. If he chose abortion it could be easier; he's a war criminal, he doesn't have time to change diapers and play patty cake. When he thought about it like that, abortion seemed like the best choice. But, there was a part of him that screamed at him to let the baby live. If he killed this baby, he was killing off every connection to before the accords. He would be cutting the string that tied him to the past.
"That's it" Natasha slammed her palms on the table and Steve isn't ashamed to admit it terrified him seeing her like this. "I get it, this isn't the ideal situation for you, but enough is enough. Now sit there and eat your damn pasta or I will shove the whole bowl down your throat" Natasha's green eyes were narrowed and it reminded him of the hulk. Like she was about to release her own hulk on him. He didn't know which one would be scarier. He glared at her using his captain eyes, but she didn't back down. Slowly, Steve felt his glare breaking and his eyes started to mist.
"Nat please. I can't" he whispered brokenly, feeling a new wave of tears take over, and Nat's gaze softened.
"Steve, listen to me. I know this baby is like a slap in the face to you. You've lost your husband, your home, and your identity-"
"If this is your idea of a pep talk, it's shit" Steve interrupted and instead of glaring at him like she normally would have done she smiled, glad to see him attempting a joke.
"Language. Now I know this isn't the way you wanted to start a family, but this could be a chance for you to be happy. As much as we all agree with what side we took, no one is happy that we have to hide. But this, this could be something to make you smile every day of your life" Nat rubbed his shoulder gently as Steve let the tears fall. He knew he would love this baby. Steve Rogers loved almost everyone. But that was the problem. If he loved this baby he would never move on from Tony. Not that he probably ever could, but he needed to try because Tony no longer loved him.
"What if this baby looks like him? What if it's a genius and talks to me about things only their father would understand? Or worse, what if it's like me?" he whispered the last part, dropping his eyes from Nat's not wanting to see the pity he knew he would see. He didn't just mean what if the baby had gotten the serum, he meant what if it possessed traits like him? The baby was already doomed.
"Steve Rogers you listen to me; you are the best damn man I know. If this child is like you, then he or she is already perfect. Don't punish the baby for the parents it will have" it hit him all of sudden as to why Nat cared about this so much. Here he was crying about getting pregnant, to a girl who had the chance of ever getting pregnant taken from her, when she was sterilized in the red room. And also he was crying about losing the love of his life to a girl who had literally lost hers. No one knew where Bruce was, or if he was even alive. God, he was a fucking idiot. But before he could apologize she opened her mouth again and kept talking almost like she knew what he was going to say, and didn't want to hear it.
"Don't view this as a punishment from god because of what you did. View it as a gift" she stood from the table and squeezed his shoulder before she left, leaving the bowl of pasta in front of him. This was her way of making him choose. She wouldn't force him to eat if he didn't want to, but if he didn't then that would be his answer on if he would abort the baby.
He leaned his head back in his chair at an uncomfortable angle and let the memories over take him.
"Can you picture it?" Tony said one night after they had finished having sex, as they laid together in bed. Tony laid on his back, face to the ceiling and Steve laid with his head in Tony's neck, curled into his side. It was kind of funny to picture, the big Steve Rogers as the little spoon in the relationship, but for them it just worked.
"Can I picture what?" his voice was muffled in Tony's neck, but the genius understood. It was one of his many talents; being able to understand a barely conscious Steve Rogers.
"Starting a family together" Tony answered and that woke Steve up. Sure they had talked about it a few times, mainly in short conversations of 'ya we could have kids one day' but they had never actually talked about it for real. Steve thought about it. He could picture a kid, a mix of the two of them bouncing around the tower. Riding the elevator to each floor, just to say hi to the other avengers who they would obviously call their aunts and uncles. Talking to J.A.R.V.I.S as if they were a real person because to them he was just like an uncle. And god would that kid be spoiled; with love and toys.
Maybe the kid would be smart like Tony, but also artistic like Steve. Maybe they'd have two kids; one having the brains of Tony but having Steve's shy and polite personality, and the other having Steve's artistic side and not being as smart as their father (which would obviously be more then ok) but they would have Tony's sarcastic and witty side.
They'd set up a room beside their bedroom that way if anything happened they were right there to be with them in a moment, and Steve would paint it himself while Tony built all the furniture that the room needed. Maybe this would be the push Tony needed to finally learn to cook that way he could actually flip a pancake to make the kid giggle with delight, not that Steve's cooking was any better. They would watch movies every night that they could as a family, and Steve wouldn't mind getting teased for his lack of knowledge on modern day things. Steve was even prepared to face the pain of stepping on a lego.
Yes, He could picture it all; but the most important part was he could only picture it if Tony was the one he would be starting the family with. Because he couldn't do it without him.
"I mean, I know I might not be the best dad because I didn't have a great father to look up to, but I swear Steve I would never be like Howard. I'd always make time for the kid, I'd show up to all their school activities, hell I'd even drive a soccer mom van if I had to, and that's saying a lot" so lost in thought he hadn't realized Tony had been talking the entire time. Raising his head from his neck he silenced his boyfriend with a quick peck on the lips. Tony blinked at him in a daze when he pulled away and Steve caressed his cheek, rubbing his thumb over his lips.
"Ya Tony. I can picture it. And I want it someday"
Well, apparently someday had arrived. And Tony wasn't with him. He supposes he should somehow tell Tony he's pregnant, but that thought quickly leaves his mind. He could not, under any circumstances, tell Tony about this baby. Tony could take it from him; he was a wanted criminal in the eyes of the law. Even though he was Captain America and had saved their asses numerous times, he had no rights and the baby would be taken from him. No, he couldn't risk losing the baby also. Then he would have nothing. It was almost selfish of him, but that was the thought that made up his mind. With this kid, he'd never be alone and he'd always have a part of Tony with him still.
Leaning forward Steve grabbed his fork and took a bite of his pasta.