Chapter 4
“Hey, Robbie,” said Elvin. “You want to go for a walk?”
Robbie shook his head. “I’m kind of tired.”
“Come on, it’d be good for you.”
Robbie sighed. But he nodded, and put his shoes on.
He grabbed the hoodie.
“It’s not that cold out,” Elvin said.
“It’s…better if fewer people get a good look at my face.”
Elvin nodded slowly. As if he’d forgotten.
That was the difficult thing. Elvin, Vance, they kept forgetting. They treated him like the same old Speedball, or like a version of Speedball that had something really tragic happen to him.
They didn’t see what everyone else saw.
They didn’t see the monster. But Robbie was never allowed to forget.
—
“So what are you doing these days?”
Elvin shrugged. “Trying to protect my community, in a few different ways. Dwayne…he left me enough money that I don’t have to worry. And Donyell, I think he feels like he’s responsible for me.”
“Well, between…between all of us,” said Robbie, “you were always the youngest one. At least until Alex Power joined. We all wanted to look after you.”
“Yeah, and nobody else did. I mean it’s hard enough for a regular black kid to be treated like a kid. People would take one look at me, and no one would believe I was only fourteen. Even if they knew, they'd automatically start treating me like an adult. Like they knew, but they didn't know. If Dwayne hadn’t stepped in when he did, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”
Robbie nodded. “I’m sorry about what happened to him.” I’m sorry I couldn’t help. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I’m sorry I screwed up and everyone died.
“Thanks.” Elvin nodded. “I’m glad you survived.”
Robbie ducked a little deeper into his hoodie, and didn’t respond.
“Hey,” said Elvin. “I mean it. I’m glad you’re alive. I wish we also had Dwayne." He paused and shook his head. "I miss him. And Nita, and Zachary too. But I’m glad that you survived.”
At least someone was.
Quite frankly, if you really did hate yourself that much, you’d find yourself a bottle of sleeping pills and finish the job, hmm?
Sometimes Robbie wondered if he should have just killed himself It had seemed too easy at the time. A cop-out, letting himself escape the pain, when he’d left so many people to suffer.
But sometimes he thought about it.
He changed the subject. “I was pretty happy when you joined the team, and I found out you were younger than me. It was really annoying when that duplicate took over a year, and when I got back, we were the same age. It was nice getting to be the cool older teen.”
Elvin snorted. “You thought you were cool?”
—
“Hey.” Vance walked over to the chair next to what had become Robbie’s couch, and sat down. “I have some good news I wanted to discuss it with you.”
“Yeah?” Robbie could use some good news. He’d been taking the pills for days, and everything was as stagnant as ever. He was starting to wear a rut in the couch.
Everything was gray. It was almost creepy.
“I had a conversation with Captain America a few days ago. I suggested starting a problem that’s…not like the Initiative, not the way it turned out, but like what I thought it was going to be. A way to train young people to use their powers safely.” He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees. “I’ve just been told that they’re doing this. They want me to plan it out, recruit teaching staff, and get the whole thing set up. It will be in the new Infinite Avengers Mansion. I’ll move in next month.”
“That’s good,” said Robbie. He swallowed hard. It was good. Vance was moving forward, doing something important, building something good. “I can move out whenever you like.”
He had no idea where he’d go. But at least he wouldn’t be a burden on Vance.
Vance blinked and frowned. “Robbie, I’m not leaving you behind. I want you to be part of the teaching staff. I want you to come with me.”
“Me, teach?” Robbie shook his head. “I could barely pass algebra. How would I know how to teach?"
“Look at it this way,” said Vance. “You know what doesn’t work.”
Robbie snorted.
Vance took a deep breath. “I’m not entirely joking. You know what a lot of teachers do wrong. You know what it's like when they're not getting through because they're too caught up in their own assumptions to pay attention. And you have people skills. People like you.”
“They used to,” Robbie said.
“People like you when they know you, and not just what they saw on the news. And you know what it’s like to have powers that you don’t know how to control. You taught yourself how to use your powers, and I think you could teach some kids how to use theirs. You could help people, Robbie. You could do a lot of good.”
He could be useful. He could help people. He could do something better with himself than just wear a dent in Vance’s couch.
Or he could screw up again, and something terrible would happen. Again.
“Let me think about it, okay?”
“Sure.” Vance nodded. “And Robbie?”
“Yeah?”
“Whatever you decide, I’m not going to just drop you. I’ll make sure you have a place to live, and whatever you need.” Vance leaned in and looked Robbie in the eye. “I promise, I’m not going to leave you on your own this time.”
It was all Robbie could do not to cry.
—
That night, when Vance was asleep, Robbie went for the knife block where Vance had hidden it in the closet.
It was still there. Vance hadn’t moved it.
He took the sharpest-looking knife. For a moment, he nearly put it back.
But there was so much going on in his head. He couldn’t settle down. He couldn’t sleep.
And he was supposed to go easier on himself. He was supposed to accept that he deserved a little relief.
He rolled up his sleeve and made the first cut.
It felt every bit as good as he remembered.
—
In the morning, the endorphin high had faded, and Robbie mostly felt bad.
If Vance knew, he’d be upset. He’d worry about Robbie even more. He might feel like he’d failed Robbie somehow, or like he hadn’t done enough. Obviously, that made no sense, but it was the kind of thing that Vance would think.
The cuts he’d made had a dull, familiar sting. Robbie had to bury the shirt he’d been wearing down at the bottom of the laundry pile so Vance couldn’t see the blood.
He didn’t know what Vance would do. Back with the Thunderbolts, more than a few people had said Robbie needed to be locked up. They’d said he needed to be in a hospital somewhere.
And then he’d been put in a hospital. And it had been…bad.
He rubbed at the scabs. He had therapy today. It was either tell Dr. Reed, or lie to him.
—
“I cut myself,” said Robbie. “Last night.
Dr. Reed nodded. “What brought that on?”
“Vance, he…he has a cool new opportunity with the Avengers. It’s great for him. And..he wanted me to come with him. He thinks I could be useful.”
“What do you think?”
Robbie shook his head. “I don’t know if I can handle it. What if I screw up and hurt people?”
“That is always a risk. How likely does it seem?”
Robbie shrugged. “I don’t know. When I agreed to do a reality show, I didn’t think I’d kill six hundred and fourteen people.” He caught himself. “I mean…I didn’t think my choice would get six hundred and fourteen people killed.”
“You’re still blaming yourself for the Stamford disaster?”
Robbie nodded. “It got better for a bit, but after Moonstone drugged me, I couldn’t remember anything else in my life. I couldn’t think about anything else. And it sounded so much like the truth, it was so close to the truth, it got stuck in my head.” He shook his head. “Why did they have to do that? What I did was bad enough.”
“It sounds like they wanted you hating yourself, and seeing yourself as unforgivable. It made you easier to control.”
Robbie blinked. “What?”
“When you’re miserable and self-loathing and you don’t trust your own judgment, it can seem like a good idea to rely on others for answers. It can make you desperate for anything that promises to relieve the pain and guilt. People like Osborn and...Moonstone prey upon that. It was useful for him to keep you feeling that way.”
“Then why did he send me a therapist?”
“I’m not sure. Did he say anything?”
“Doc Samson said it was because they thought I was going to kill myself.”
Dr. Reed nodded. “An understandable worry.”
“I thought about it,” Robbie blurted. He looked at Dr. Reed’s face.
Dr. Reed was calm. “I expect you did.”
Robbie sighed. “Sometimes I still think about it. I wonder if it would be better for everyone, if I was just gone.”
“Do you intend to kill yourself?”
Robbie shook his head. “No.”
“Do you have any plans for how you would do it, if you decided to?”
“Not really. With my powers working normally, I’m pretty hard to kill. The cutting…it only works because it’s slow and sharp. If I slammed my head into the wall now, I’d probably just bounce.” He paused. “Moonstone, she suggested sleeping pills.”
“Do you have sleeping pills?”
Robbie shook his head. “Just the pills you gave me.”
“I should warn you, while an overdose of those is unlikely to kill you, it does have intensely unpleasant side effects. It is, by all accounts, a miserable experience.”
Robbie rubbed the fresh scabs on his arm. “Are you going to lock me up?”
“No.”
“I mean are you going to hospitalize me?”
Dr. Reed shook his head. “Not unless you want to be hospitalized, no.”
“Why not?”
“Involuntary hospitalization can often do more harm than good. Given your traumatic previous experience, that seems especially likely to be the case for you.”
“You’re not worried I’m going to hurt myself more?” Robbie asked. “Or kill myself? Or hurt someone else?”
“You are clearly trying very hard not to hurt anyone else. I am worried about the suicidal thoughts, but I think we can find better, less coercive ways to handle them, especially given how hard you’re working. As to the self-harm, may I see it?”
Robbie rolled back his sleeve and showed the cuts.
Dr. Reed leaned forward and peered at the cuts, then sat back in his chair. “That doesn’t look life-threatening. If you do it again, it would be a good idea to clean and disinfect the wound.”
“If I do it again?” Robbie asked. “You’re not going to tell me to stop?”
“You already know it’s unhealthy. You already know it doesn’t provide anything more than temporary relief. You already know that you’re better off, in the long run, if you can stop. I don’t see the point of lecturing you on that.” Dr. Reed folded his hands. “I’m not here to control you or take away your freedom ever time you make an unhealthy choice. I’m here to help you learn to become the kind of person you want to be.”
“I don’t know who that is,” said Robbie.
Dr. Reed nodded. “Well, then, our task is to figure that out.”