Stranded
“Any luck?” She asked Clint, as they both tried to get ahold of SHIELD. They had both been sent on a mission to take out a small Hydra base. Simple stuff really. But they were now having problems getting ahold of SHIELD for their pickup. The island they were on seemed to have some kind of barrier stopping outgoing and incoming calls.
“Not even a voicemail” Clint replied sounding frustrated. She felt just the same way. Without SHIELD they had no way off this island. She put her phone back into the pocket of her catsuit, feeling exhausted. Taking down the Hydra base had been easy but she still had a few cuts and bruises to remind her of it.
They were standing on the edge of a beach, overlooking the pacific ocean. They were lucky it wasn’t cold, otherwise they would be in much more trouble than they are now. The sun had just started to set. She looked up at the sky taking in the pink, orange and red swirling in the sky. The light reflecting off the waves, making them sparkle.
Without taking her eyes off the sky she sat down on the sand. She was tired, not just physically but mentally as well. She was tired of pretending to not be afraid when she was. She was tired of keeping her walls up, always having to look behind her back making sure no one from her past was hunting her. And they always were. She was tired of pretending to be strong when all she wanted to do was fall apart. She couldn’t do this anymore.
“Hey are you hurt?” Clint asked as soon as she sat down.
“No.” She replied softly, not taking her eyes off the waves crashing onto the beach in front of her. She knew she should stand up and pretend she was alright but she just couldn’t. Here she was on an abandoned island with her partner, her best friend. The man who knew the most about her past, the man who loved her no matter what she had done.
“I’ve spend so long putting up so many walls that I don’t know how to take them down anymore.”
Her own voice startled her. She didn’t mean to say that outloud but as the words tumbled from her lips she didn’t regret them. Clint was silent for a moment, taking in what she had just said. After a few seconds he sat down on the sand next to her. After he didn’t say anything she continued.
“I put on thousands of faces that I don’t even know which one is mine. Stark once asked if there was anything real about me. And I don’t know if there is.” She winced as her voice cracked on the last word. She was being weak and she knew it, but she couldn’t stop the words from coming out of her mouth.
“This is real.” Clint said. She sensed him turn his head and look at her, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. But he was right, these were her real feelings. She felt tears start to form in her eyes. But she was determined not to cry, she hadn’t cried in front of anyone in years, not even Clint.
“This isn’t even my real name.” She admitted. Even though she knew Clint already knew that it felt as though she had been keeping it a secret. “Natasha Romanoff is just another cover, just like Natalie Rushman and all the others.”
Clint was silent. She could tell he had no idea what to say. Because it was true. She wasn’t Natasha Romanoff the Avenger. The hero. She was Natalia Romanova, the KGB spy. The killer, the monster.
“You are not a monster.” Clint said firmly. “It isn’t your fault what happened to you, you didn’t have a choice. They made you do things that you didn’t want to do and then punished you for it.”
“I deserved everything they did to me. I deserved to be tortured.” She told him. And she meant it. She really did believe that she deserved it all. She had done terrible terrible things to innocent people. To innocent children. She felt a tear slide down her cheek.
“No you didn’t!” Clint said, a little too loudly. He reached out to pull her into a hug but she involuntarily flinched away. She didn’t mean to but thinking about her past made her feel afraid. She knew Clint would never hurt her, but she was still afraid. She stood up and wrapped her arms around herself, backing slowly away from Clint. Her breathing was getting faster and faster. She felt like she needed to run as far away as possible but she was frozen. Her eyes locked on Clint.
Her thoughts were spiraling out of control. Splashes of all the horrible things she had done flashed through her mind. The faces of the people she killed, the sounds of their screams. She couldn’t make it stop. The world was spinning and she needed to make the screaming stop. She couldn’t take it anymore, she didn’t want to remember how she had burnt down that hospital, or how many children she had killed in the red room. Her peers, her friends.
She fell to her knees, hands covering her ears and sobbed. She couldn’t make herself stop. Clint ran over to her and without hesitation wrapped his arms around her. She sobbed into his shoulder, her tears soaking into his shirt. Everything hurt and she just wanted the pain to stop.
Clint held her tightly against himself, almost trying to hold her together. But the tears wouldn’t stop. Her chest felt tight and she took huge breathes in between sobs to get air. She couldn’t stop thinking about all the terrible things she had done.
“I got you, your safe.” Clint said softly, “your safe, I promise.” He brushed his hand through her hair, detangling some parts. He repeated those words over and over again. And after awhile her sobs simply turned into quiet whimpers. They stayed like that for awhile, the sun had set casting darkness over the beach. She felt water lapping at them as the tide started to come in.
She didn’t want Clint to let go. Because she knew that right here right now she was safe, he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She hadn’t felt safe in a long time.
“When we get back, we take a few months off and go back to the farm and see Laura. It’s safe there, you don’t have to worry about people coming to hurt you. I won’t let that happen, Laura and I will take care of you and when your ready we can go back to work.” Clint told her.
It sounded amazing. When she first came to America, she was a broken young woman who didn’t know how to function in the outside world. She, Laura and Clint stayed at the farm for a long time. They acted like parents to her. Didn’t make her feel weak for crying. She wanted that again. She needed that again.
A few hours later they spotted the Quinjet in the sky, coming towards them. She glanced at it for a moment but then buried her face back into Clint’s chest. She didn’t want to leave, she wanted to stay in Clint’s embrace forever. She didn’t want to have to put her guards back up and pretend she was alright. She just didn’t have the energy anymore.
She closed her eyes, tears still falling down her face. She just wanted to pretend that she wasn’t there. Clint could sense that she was in no condition to take care of herself right now. So he would do it for her. She was relieved.
As the Quinjet landed further down the beach Clint got up, picking her up and holding her to his chest. She still didn’t open her eyes. She started to shiver since they were wet from the water and it had gotten colder out now that the sun had gone down. She felt weak. She was weak.