Bruises
“James it’s okay! It was an accident! You didn’t mean to hurt me!” She called after him as he pretty much ran from the sparring gym. She had seen the tears in his eyes. They had been sparring for a few hours, just blowing off some steam when he had suffered a flashback. It had only lasted a few minutes, but that was apparently just enough time for his metal hand to wrap tightly around her neck.
The moment he realized what he had done he ran out of the gym without saying a word, leaving her gasping for breath on the mats. She tried to call out to him to let him know that she was okay but it sounded like a strained whisper.
Sitting on the mats she grabbed her throat and coughed violently. Her throat felt like it was on fire, like it was collapsing in on itself not letting any air through. Right before he let her go her vision had gone dark and she almost passed out, but was able to pull herself out of it. A talent she had mastered in her time in the Red Room.
Now that she was alone she let her guard down. Feeling his hand around her throat unburied memories from the past that she had worked so hard on keeping down. She knew that James did not remember the time they had spent together in the Red Room, but she did. Every minute of it. No matter how hard she tried to forget she never could.
She remembered how cold and hostile he was after every memory wipe, joining in with the other instructors in beating them for fun. But the longer he stayed out of the ice the more he remembers. He started to remember how to feel and how to love, things he then tried to teach her. Their relationship was the thing that kept her whole, she often wonders if he was the reason she survived the abuse of the Red Room. He protected her the best he could without being caught by the other instructors, he held her when she was afraid or woke up with nightmares about things she had been forced to do. And for just a little while everything would feel like it would be alright. But it didn’t last, nothing like that ever did.
After a few weeks he would start remembering things about his past, he would remember the training he went through, how he lost his arm, and his name. He struggled with these memories but was still able to hide what he remembered when his handlers came to check on him. That is until he remembered him. Back then she didn’t know who he was talking about when he remembered a man named Steve from his past. But now she knew he was talking about the Steve she now knows, Captain America. As soon as he remembered Steve, he would fall apart, his handlers would noticed and he would be wiped again. Then the cycle would start all over again. It was exhausting, but it was worth it for her. She missed his arms around her, she wished he would remember her. But it was a huge possibility he never would.
It hurt to think about, she didn’t want to entertain the idea of him remembering her anymore so she stuffed these thoughts and memories back where they belonged. In a room in the back of her mind where only she can access them if she ever wanted too. She stood up from where she had been sitting on the mats and walked over to one of the big mirrors, so that she was standing right infront of it. She lifted her chin so that she could better see her neck, causing a spike of pain. It had only been about 15 minutes since it happened but she could already see the purple and black bruises starting to form. It looked terrible, she had no idea how she was going to hide it. She was talented at hiding injuries with makeup but there wasn’t enough makeup in the world to hide these bruises effectively. She couldn’t wear turtlenecks, mostly because she didn’t own any but she had never worn that kind of clothing around the others so they would be suspicious.
She froze when she heard the gym door swing open. At first she thought it was James coming back but the tell tale footsteps of the archer quickly told her otherwise. She didn’t turn to look at him but instead tried to make herself look strong and unfazed by what had just occurred. But the purple and black bruises blossoming on her neck had a bad effect on her act. As Clint came towards her she turned away from the mirror to face him. Somehow hoping he wouldn’t take notice to the bruises, which was a ridiculous wish.
“You know when I saw Bucky run out of here and you not follow I kinda thought I would find you dead on the floor.” He said with a chuckle.
She couldn’t help but smile at that, he always made her feel better. He lifted a hand to her chin and lifted it up so he could see her neck better.
“That’s gonna be hard to explain to the others though.” He said more seriously. He dropped his hand from her chin and grabbed her hand instead. He was looking at her curiously, like he was looking for something behind the mask she had on her face. She tried not to look uncomfortable under his watchful eye but it was hard.
“Are you okay?” He asked her, giving up on trying to see what she was thinking on her face. He couldn’t tell how she felt. Sometimes he could when she was especially rattled, but not this time.
“I’ll survive” She replied flashing him a small smile. She knew he was asking her if she was okay mentally but decided to reply as if she asked if she was physically okay. She didn’t feel like letting him into the vault that was her mind today.
“Does it hurt?” Clint asked, probably knowing that they was no way she would truthfully answer him.
“No” she rasped, wincing at the sound of her damaged voice. “Is Bucky okay?” she asked, trying to change the subject away from her.
“I don’t know, he, Steve and Sam were sitting in the living room when I came down here, he looked pretty shaken up.” Clint responded.
She let go of his hand. She was glad that James had Steve and Sam to help comfort him. She couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous of Steve. How come James remembered him but not her? She needed to be alone to think. She quickly walked towards the gym door.
“I’m going to turn in early for the night” she called over her shoulder to Clint. She felt kinda bad ditching him when he had just come to check on her, but she needed to be alone. So without thinking about it anymore she shut the door behind her and climbed the stairs to her bedroom and went in locking the door behind her. She immediately went and sat on her floor, leaning her back against her bed. She hadn’t even bothered to turn on the light.