Bloody Hands (Preview
She sat on the edge of their double bed. Just staring at the wall in front of her. Looking at how the wallpaper peeled away, the stains. It wasn’t the nicest motel room but it was good enough for her and Clint. They wouldn’t be here that long anyway. They were both in Russia. Something she wasn’t fond of, mostly because of all the memories that came back when she was there. It was so much harder to file them away. Push them back so she didn’t have to think about them. And even if she did she couldn’t let anyone know. Not even Clint.
He was in the shower now and she knew she should be doing something, anything really other then stare at the wall in front of her. She could be getting their supplies ready, doing more research or even sleep. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the mission. Fury had told them about a child ring that was set up in Russia, with ties that seemed to be pointing to the Red Room. The place that trained her. Raised her. He had given her the option to sit this one out since it was so close to her. But she said she’d go. Something she was starting to regret now. She knew that if she got trapped in her head she would be no help to Clint. And she couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t let herself get trapped in her head. But that was exactly what she was doing now.
She remembered when she killed for the first time, how she did it. How it felt. She remembered the first time she’d been raped. How much it hurt, how afraid she felt. How much she didn’t want it to happen. She remembered ballet classes. Learning different languages. Learning how to kill with anything. Being beaten into not feeling. It haunted her. The things that happened to her. The things she had done.
She was so deep in thought she didn’t even notice that the water had stopped running. If she did she would have pretended to be doing something other then stare at a wall. She heard Clint say something, but she didn’t know what. She knew she should turn her gaze towards him or show some sign that she heard him. But she couldn’t make herself move. She heard him move over to her. He put a hand on her shoulder, snapping her out of the weird frozen state she was in.
“Nat, you okay?” He asked kneeling down in front of her, moving his hand from her shoulder to her knee. He was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, his hair still wet from the shower.
She nodded, remembering that she couldn’t let Clint know how she was feeling. It would only worry him. She stood up abruptly and went over to her side of the bed and lay down. Her head resting against the pillow. She faced away from Clint. Unable to look him in the eyes. Because if she did, he would see the emotion in them.
“Come on, it’s late and we have to get up early tomorrow” She choked out, pleased with how convincingly okay she sounded. She just hoped Clint could see through it. If he did, he didn’t show any sign of it as he turned off the light and climbed into bed beside her, his back to her. She kept her hand on her gun under the pillow just in case they had some surprise visitors. She let herself drift to sleep, wishing that she could have peace from her memories for at least a little while.
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When she woke up Clint was no longer beside her. Instead he was already dressed and putting together his weapons, and hers as well. It was rare that she woke up after Clint. Especially so long after him. Even though she had been sleeping long enough she felt exhausted. Her eyes felt dry and all she wanted to do was close them again. But of course she couldn’t so instead she rolled over so that she was facing Clint.
“Morning” She said.
“Hey” he replied, turning around to face her, loading her gun. “Go get ready we have to leave in a few minutes.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up, you know I can get my own weapons ready.” She said playfully as she got to her feet.
“I know.” he said with a slight chuckle, “You just looked like you needed some more sleep, that’s all.”
She nodded and grabbed her catsuit from the bedside table. She headed over to the tiny bathroom and shut the door behind her. She slid off the leggings and sweatshirt she wore to bed. Wishing she could just keep them on and climb back in. But she knew she couldn’t. She looked at herself in the mirror. Standing there in her underwear and sports bra, she looked weak, broken. She was paler than usual, her fiery red hair spilled over her shoulders like blood. She noticed how hollow her eyes were. How empty they looked. She saw the scars all over her body. Given to her by others, and herself. She didn’t look like the Black Widow, an Avenger. She didn’t look like Natasha Romanoff. She looked like a scared little girl, A girl who had been beaten. A girl who had been forced to kill. She looked like Natalia Romanova. And that scared her.
She ripped her gaze from the girl in the mirror and slid on her catsuit, swinging open the bathroom door and getting out of there as fast as she could. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. She wanted to tell Clint how much she was hurting. But she kept all the emotion out of her face. This was a mission, this wasn’t about her it was about the children they needed to save. Nothing could get in the way of that.
“Let’s get going” She said to Clint as she started to put all of her weapons into their usual hiding places.
“Nat, are you sure your okay, I know that this is tough for you. Being back in Russia, and having to go break up a child ring linked to the Red Room. It’s alright to not be okay. You can tell me” Clint said abruptly.
Shit. He could see right through her act. He was the only one that could. She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want to see the worry in his eyes that she knew was there. Instead she put the last knife in place and stalked out the door. She heard Clint follow her and was thankful her didn’t say anything else. This was a mission. She repeated that over and over in her head as they made there way to the warehouse that the children were being kept, being very careful not to be caught.
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It took them about 2 hours to get to the warehouse. She and Clint had split up once they reached the warehouse. The plan was to save the children, capture the people doing this to them and take them all back to SHIELD, no casualties. That should be easy for 2 of the best assassins in the world, right? But something didn’t feel right to her. It was a lot emptier than expected. She couldn’t hear any voices. There were no armed guards. Nothing. She tried to shake the feeling, trying to focus instead on clearing each room she passed. She had cleared 4 already, nothing in them except for a few boxes. Maybe they're intel had been wrong.
She pushed open the door to the next room, gun drawn. She expected to find more empty boxes. But instead their were bits of rope on the ground. As well as blood. She felt a shiver go through her. She stepped into the room to get a closer look. There was blood everywhere. She picked up one of the ropes but immediately dropped it. It was soaked in fresh blood. She looked at her hands, now covered in blood. The blood was fresh. So someone was definitely here. She only hoped that the blood wasn’t one of the children’s, though she knew in the back of her mind that it had to be. She wished she could alert Clint or ask him if he had found anything, but they hadn’t brought their comms. A stupid mistake.
She left that room and turned down a hallway. Wiping her hands on her pant leg. But they were already stained red. She stopped. At the end of the hallway was a door, and it was slightly open. Through the crack she could see that the lights were off. She knew it right away. This was a trap. They had to know that they were coming. This was the Red Room. It shouldn’t be this easy, unless they wanted it to be. Her mind raced, trying to figure out what to do. But she already knew the only choice she had, she just didn’t want to do it. She knew she had to walk right into their trap, it was the only way to save the children, if they were even there.
She took a deep breath and walked towards the door. She was just about to put her hand on the doorknob when she heard a voice say her name from behind her. She spun around and pointed her gun at the source, panic shooting through her.
“Hey, hey it’s just me” Clint whispered, with his hands in the air.
She pointed her gun away from Clint, giving him a glare for sneaking up on her like that.
“Is it just me who’s getting a weird feeling” He whispered, coming closer to her, making sure to stay out of view of whoever might be behind the door.
“It’s a trap, did you see the room with the ropes and blood” She asked, keeping her eyes on the crack in the door, waiting to see any sort of movement, but she didn’t.
“Ya, what are we going to do?” He asked her.
She felt his gaze on her, looking for answers. She kept her eyes on the door. This was a mission. This was about the children. Not her. If she had to walk into a trap and get killed to save them. Then so be it.
“We fall into it.” She answered and put her hand on the door knob.