Chapter 1
Natasha took down the last of her opponents with a swift kick to the neck. As he crumpled to the ground she turned around to see how Clint was doing. Unfortunately, it looked like he was going to need a hand. She pulled out her gun and quickly let off 2 shots, getting rid of the guy on his right. Leaving Clint room to take down the other.
“I had that” Clint said, wincing as he tucked his gun back into his belt.
“Sure you did” She answered. She looked at Clint, searching for any sort of life threatening injuries he may have acquired during the fight. A habit she’s picked up since Clint seems to have a knack for getting injured. He looked fine except for a few cuts and he seemed to be walking with a bit of a limp. Left ankle. It was always the left. She looked up to meet his eyes and saw that they were filled with worry. And she knew why, but she didn’t need him worrying over her. Not when they were in the middle of a mission.
“Tash” He said, stepping closer to her.
“It’s fine, I’m fine, I promise” She said, turning around and walking back down the corridor. Trying not to let how much pain she was in show in her walk. During the fight she had gotten distracted and a knife had somehow found its way into her side, right below her rib cage. She knew it hadn’t hit anything important inside, so the main concern was blood loss.
“Natasha, stop” Clint said, a hint of anger in his voice. She kept walking, she didn’t want to be worried over. Why? She didn’t know. Was it because she didn’t want to seem weak? Or because she didn’t know how to react to someone actually caring if she was in pain. No one ever did when she was a child, so why would they now. No. She couldn’t be thinking about these things right now. They were on a mission. And missions always came first. She was so deep in thought she didn’t even notice Clint firmly grab her hand, not letting her go another step.
“Nat, this is just a recon mission, it’s okay if we stop and get you to medical.” He said, his voice soft and filled with worry.
She didn’t turn to face him. She couldn’t. She didn’t want him to see the fear or pain in her eyes. She was amazing at hiding how she really felt. But it was always harder with Clint. She thought of ripping her hand out of his grasp and continuing on her own. But she was getting dizzy and knew she couldn’t. Not without him.
“Please Natasha, your bleeding really bad.” He paused and she heard his voice crack. “We have to alert Phil.”
Her vision was swimming and she could hear her heartbeat drumming in her ears. But for some reason she just couldn’t turn to face him. She didn’t want to seem weak. Which was ridiculous because this was Clint. This was her best friend, her partner. She didn’t know what to do, what to think. She was frozen.
“Clint.” She started, making sure that no emotion was displayed in her voice. “I’m okay, nothing is wrong, we have to finish the mission.” Her legs felt weak and she was so, so dizzy but she couldn’t let him know. She had to stay standing. She had too. She had too. But she was so tired. She felt her knees buckle and Clint guide her to the ground so her back was up against the wall. She had lost too much blood and both of them knew it. And even though she hated it, she had to let him help her.
Clint pressed a button on his comm, “Agent Romanoff is down we need immediate extraction” He said knowing that Phil had their location thanks to the tracker included in the comm.
She had deteriorated a lot faster than she had first predicted. Maybe the knife had hit something important. She focused on Clint’s face as he unzipped the top of her suit. And pulled it down to her waist, exposing her sports bra as well as the wound. She looked down at her stomach and could already see a bluish purple bruise developing over top of her left rib cage. Nice, definitely at least one broken rib there. The stab wound on her right side was a lot deeper and longer than she had thought. Blood seeping out, covering her side in red. This was bad. She looked back up at Clint and leaned her head against the wall, her neck could no longer keep it up. Clint firmly pressed a hand to her side to try and stop the bleeding. Even though it hurt she kept a straight face, not wanting to panic Clint. But her vision was getting fuzzy and even though she wasn’t moving, the room was spinning.
“Hey Nat, stay with me okay, the med team will be here soon, we just gotta hold on till then.” Clint told her, keeping a firm hand on her side. The bleeding was coming out slower, but still not stopping. She knew that she had to see the med team and she knew that all they were going to do was help her but she was afraid. She was afraid of the needles and everyone looking at her and worrying over her. Of course the only person who knew that was Clint. He knew that in the Red Room, when you went to medical, you were punished.
Getting hurt was a weakness, and every student knew that weakness meant death. So no one went unless they had to. And if you showed up with a non life threatening injury you were shot on the spot for not being able to deal with the pain. So ya, She hated everything to do with going to the SHIELD Medical Wing. She knew they wouldn’t hurt her, but the fear was still there. She opened her mouth to ask Clint to stay with her when they came. But she couldn’t get any words out. Her mouth was so dry.
“Hey, hey, I know, I’ll stay with you when they come I promise.” He said, lifting up his other hand to rest it on her cheek. She calmed at his touch, thankful that he knew what she was trying to say.
“Your so pale.” He said. Taking his hand off her cheek and pressing it on top of his other to try and add more pressure. She wished he had kept his hand on her face, it made her feel safe. She felt guilty though, seeing the fear in his eyes. She didn’t want him to be afraid, especially because of her. It had been her fault she got stabbed. She should have been more careful.
“Phil says it should only be 5 minutes till they land, that means they should be here really soon okay, we took care of most of the thugs so it shouldn’t take them that long.” Clint said, plastering a fake smile onto his face. She hated that.
Her vision was foggy and she was struggling to focus on Clint, a tell tale sign that she was going to lose her hold on consciousness. Something she couldn’t do, it left her vulnerable. And she hated being vulnerable. It only got her hurt. Her eyelids felt so heavy and it took all the strength she had not to let them fall shut. She saw Clint’s mouth move and heard sounds come out but she couldn’t make sense of the words. It was like she was underwater. A feeling she was all too familiar with.
As she struggled to stay awake, she wondered if that was what she really wanted. She was fighting so hard to stay awake, but why. She was just so tired of fighting. Fighting others, fighting the dark thoughts that threatened to cloud her mind. She was raised to fight, to be a machine. A few years back when she joined SHIELD, she thought she could be normal, find some friends and have a real life. But recently she had started to realize that no matter what she did, she would always be the machine they had trained her to be. Not some hero, not an Avenger. A Black Widow. She just wanted it all to be over. So she let her eyes slide closed, knowing that she could’ve held onto reality if she wanted to. But she didn’t.
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She sat on her bed, wearing an identical white nightgown to the other 15 six year old girls in the room. She waited on the edge just staring ahead, waiting for Madame to come and lay her down and attach the handcuffs. Just like she had done every night, for as long as she could remember. This was just life. She didn’t know any other. She didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to be handcuffed to a bed.
She stiffened as she heard the click of Madame’s heels coming around to her bed. Not daring to look into her eyes as she put her hand on her shoulders and laid her down in the bed, and draped a blanket over her. Without saying a word, Madame took her hand and fastened the ring of metal around her tiny wrist. She hated how it bit into her skin. And it was cold, so cold. Madame fastened the other ring around her bedpost, locking her arm into the place it would rest for the next 8 hours.
She stared up at the ceiling as Madame put the other girls to bed. She was always afraid to go to sleep, that’s what happens when every night you're plagued by nightmares. Memories, she wished she could forget. As Madame left and the room was filled with darkness, she closed her eyes, listening to the soft whimpers of some of the weaker girls. A lullaby that reminded her she wasn’t alone.
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The first thought that came to her mind when she “woke up” was how much her head hurt. It took her a second to realize where she was. Medical. She didn’t open her eyes for a few reasons. First she didn’t want anyone to know she was awake, and second she knew the brightness would hurt her eyes and just make her headache worse. If that was possible. She was laying down in a bed and could hear beeping all around her. Her body ached, it felt as though every muscle was made of iron. It concerned her how hard it felt to breathe. As if bricks were placed over her chest. That's when she realized she had an oxygen mask over her mouth. Not the first time she’s woken up with one of those on. The final thing she realized was a hand holding on to hers. She could tell exactly who it was. Clint. He had kept his promise and stayed with her. She knew he would.
Even though she didn’t want too, she slowly opened her eyes. Resisting the urge to shut them as the bright white light seemed to sting her eyes. Clint didn’t notice her open her eyes which gave her the time to look around the room. A habit to take in her surroundings everywhere she was, she could never let her guard. Another thing the Red Room had beat into her.
It was a pretty plain room, white walls, tile floor, nothing special. She was surprised to see not only Clint in the room but Steve and Tony as well. Something she hadn’t expected. Both Tony and Steve were asleep in their chairs which is why they didn’t notice her wake up. Something she was thankful for. She looked over to Clint who was in a chair right beside her bed. His hands over top of hers, resting his head on the bed. His eyes were closed but she could tell that he wasn’t asleep by the pattern of his breathing. She wondered how long she had been out. It could only have been hours, or it could have been days. Or even weeks. But there was no way of finding out without asking someone. She gently moved her thumb in circles over Clint’s, letting him know she was awake. Within a second of her doing so his head shot up.
“Hey Nat.” He said quietly. He stood up and brought a hand to her face. He looked terrible. Like he hadn’t slept in days. He had bags under his eyes, and they looked swollen from crying. Not a good sign, Clint isn’t one to cry easily.
“You need to shave” She said. She was surprised at how her voice sounded. It sounded broken and it was almost a whisper. He chuckled but it wasn’t sincere, she could tell.
“How long” She asked, almost afraid to know the answer. And Clint’s reaction didn’t help. He looked away and she could see the battle in his mind. Contemplating whether or not to tell her the truth.
“Clint” She repeated. “How long”. He looked back at her and rested his hand on her forehead.
“It’s been 12 days since the mission.” He said. She was shocked. 12 days was the longest she’d been out in a long time. Definitely a strange amount of time for what she believed was a simple stab wound. But the 12 days she was out and how hard it felt to breathe, it must have been way worse.
“I’ll tell you more when Fury comes okay, we still have to give a mission report.” Clint continued. “He wanted to wait till you woke up, I don’t know why.”
She didn’t either. It was weird. If one of them was hurt or unconscious usually the other quickly gave him the report the day of. Just another thing to add to the list of concerns. Clint turned towards the sleeping Steve and Tony.
“Hey guys, she’s awake” he said, loud enough to cause Tony to wake with a start.
“Like awake awake?” Tony asked as he stood up from his chair.
Awake awake? What did he mean by that she wondered. Despite how she felt, she smiled as they both walked over to her. She was glad they were there. As they got closer she could see the exhaustion on both of their faces. They didn’t look as bad as Clint did, but close. It almost looked like none of them had slept much the 12 days she was out. Why were they so worried. She didn’t understand.
“Why do you all look so tired, you all look worse than I do” She asked. The boys all looked at each other. But didn’t answer.
“I’m going to call Fury” Clint finally said. He stroked her head one last time before leaving the room. She was so confused. Everyone was acting so strange. What was wrong? What had happened?
“You didn’t answer” She said, making sure to hide the worry in her voice. Steve and Tony looked at each other again. Trying to decide what to see to her. See hated it. The secrecy. Why couldn’t they just tell her what was going on? She grew impatient. “Tony why did you say is she awake awake, what did you mean.” She said, her voice angry.
“Nat, these past 12 days, you’ve been waking up screaming, and talking in russian, alot” Tony said. “Nightmares or memories, I don’t know.”
She looked at him, not caring if he saw the horror on her face or not. That’s why they had been acting so strange. That’s why they looked so tired. That’s why her throat hurt so much. The only person who had witnessed her nightmares was Clint, and even he got shaken up by the intensity of them. Of how afraid she is when she has them. She was careful about never falling asleep around the others. Just in case. She didn’t want to scare them. But that's exactly what she did. And she felt horrible about it.