Talkin' Hawkin'
Piglet: O-oh, I must’ve fallen asleep again, what did I mi- AAA!! HYAAAH! SOMEONE STOLE THE DOCTOR’S COAT!
Kyla: brieflywaking up from her vigil next to the Doctor but is very drowsy
"Oh, Piglet? Is that you? Did you know if Tilly shoots you with her gun you get a new body with sideburns? Y... yeah... coat... somewhere...." falls back asleep in her chair
Piglet: Tilly… shot the Doctor?? AAA! TILLY SHOT THE DOCTOR 😠You are not a nice person!! Not a nice person at all! I thought we were friends!
Tilly: The Doctor was being VERY MEAN!
Piglet: Do you mean… she shot you, too??
Tilly: Well... No, not exactly. But she wasn't being very thoughtful!
Piglet: Oh. Well, that’s not very nice. B-but you shot her!! With a g-g-gun!!! Oh dear, oh dear, I thought we were all going to be good friends! We were eating cake and singing together just yesterday! Oh no 😦 I- I don’t like this! Miss Tilly, I like you, and I want us all to get along! B-but - if you’re going to hurt people - Why, I can’t let you do that!! 😠
Pchib: Piglet, come on. The system is perfect. The status quo is not to be challenged. Things are the way they are. We must remember Tilly is in charge here and respect her office.
Emerald: Oh you hush! Piglet, you have the right idea.
Tilly: Hey Piglet, I totally respect your worldview! But the Doctor is absolutely fine! :D So shut up about it now!
Emerald: Yeah, because someone carrying a giant laser gun around at all times is someone who can be trusted not to use it. As if.
Tilly: It's only for extreme circumstances :)
Piglet: Th-they don’t look fine. Th-they look, um...
Tilly: The Doctor is just sleeping it off! 😂 😂 😂 😂
Piglet: Like they’re taking a very long nap? W-well, hmm. I suppose I can ask them how they’re feeling when they wake up! 🙂But that was very mean of you, tilly! Guns are dangerous! You shouldn’t be using them on people! Someone could get hurt!
Emerald, to Tilly: "Extreme circumstances" my fluffy equine tail! I was right there, I saw it! Shooting someone because they're the "wrong" gender ain't an extreme circumstance, it's a hate crime!
Piglet: O-oh, those are two words that sound… very bad. Well, the second one sounds like it could be okay sometimes. I’m just guessing. I’m very confused
Tilly: Hey!!! I didn't kill the Doctor because of her gender! I killed her because she rejected me! Um... I mean... Oh, I don't know.
Pchib: Hate crimes don’t matter in my work. Like if the protagonist were to use someone’s race and hand them over to a concentration camp for a convenient getaway, that’s totally fine. My writing makes clear that we are past the point where hate exists in society.
Piglet: Well, it’s nice to know we all like each other here 🙂 I don’t see what that has to do with, um, shooting? Though?
Emerald: Like is a very strong word, Piglet. I like you a lot! I do not like Tilly and Pchib over here.
Pchib: Why do you dislike me Emerald? All I’ve done is speak in favour of preserving the current way, which is only bad if people abuse it.
Emerald: You just answered your own question, dude.
Herder: Greetings everyone, your increasingly reluctant and resentful saviour has returned from the aether. I have no idea how I woke up on the roof of the space port at a 75 degree angle with my front right leg stuck through the ceiling and a tail that feels like it’s going to fall off
Pchib, to Emerald: I see, you’re a rogue element. Good to know.
Emerald: Damn bucking straight I'm a rogue element, you haven't noticed yet? With all the times I've threatened to turn our fearless leader here, she gestures to Tilly into a pincushion?
Herder: Rogue elements are the best elements
Pchib: Violence is never the answer. Even if you meet the person who murdered your spouse or a system that brutally kills the person you love, you must always be eternally pacifist or else you’re unlikable and must be expelled.
Tilly: So true!
Emerald: That's not harmony, that's fascism. And I'm not gonna stand for it.
Pchib: Fascism? No, don’t you see, I’m opposed to mindless violence!!
Herder: Good think I don’t give a damn about being liked then
Clarence: Well sometimes you just need to punch someone, preferably someone in the Mafia
Pchib: Tilly has my full backing as the legitimate leader of our group. Whoever is the legitimate leader must be supported. There’s nothing fascistic about that.
Emerald: Smells like opportunism to me. If the Commander here shot Tilly in the head and took her place, you'd support them too?
Pchib: If the leadership is legit then yes. Usurping is never the right thing. We must use the democratic process whenever the opportunity comes along. Remember, protest is anti-democracy!
Tilly: So true! The Great Sweat was elected fair and square, by 100% of the electorate! And he's the one who put me in this position! Well, technically his underlings put me here, but they derive their power from him!
Pchib: Now that’s what I call a mandate!!
Emerald: Lemme tell you another story from Equus. Once upon a time, there was a creature named Discord. Discord was not a nice person, and he ruled Equestria in a state of permanent unrest, unhappiness, and chaos. Ponies diedunder his rule.
One fateful day though, things changed: Celestia and Luna discovered the Elements of Harmony, which Discord believed to be inert. The two sisters used the power of the Elements to turn Discord into stone, ending his nightmare rule for good. The grateful ponies elected Celestia and Luna as their rulers in his stead, and they became princesses.
The moral of the story? Sometimes, usurping works.
Elton: 🎵 When are you gonna come down?
When are you going to land?
This spaceport sucks so much
You should all get out here while you can
Tilly can’t hold you forever
There’s so much that you can do
You’re not a toy for The Sweat to play with
You all deserve to be free from abuse
Ahhh
So goodbye VibeCity port
Where the scum of the universe howl
The great sweat’s a fuckin’ jackass
He really could do with a towel
I’m going back to my house on Sol 3
Tilly I’ll see you in court
Oh I finally decided my future lies
Beyond the VibeCity port
Ahhh 🎵
Emerald: Elton, no! We didn't even get to jam!
Pchib: We’ll miss you Sir Elton! Your knighthood is a serious honour that must be respected. I’ll miss that distinguished presence around here.
Clarence: What the hell does "Distinguished" mean? That guy was a nobody!
Elton: A nobody? Marches back in to give Clarence a “Don’t You Know Who I Am” lecture
Herder: What beautiful words 🥲 Finally you wrote a good song
Pchib: If you do come back, make sure you have sausage rolls for everyone.
Elton: Bad news for Piglet
Clarence: I don't know who you are! Who the fuck are you, why do you always talk like you're some sort of celebrity like Pete Best, the only Beatle to survive the stampede incident?
Elton: * Throws his piano at Clarence * You wanna fight?
Pchib: No fighting! We can’t have action in this event, not when I’m around!!
Clarence: he is visibly very angry but he takes a deep breath to calm himselfNo. Baseball player Mike Truk told me I need to be better about my anger... I need to be better. He walks away
Pchib: Yes, that’s the way! Be better than he is.
Elton: Not now, obviously. You. Me. Tomorrow night.
Emerald: I'll get the popcorn! Go Elton!
Clarence: Sure. Maybe you'll be able to be talked out of it tomorrow. I am an Elephant here... Not a particularly strong one, but still.
Elton: …. I think there’s been a wee bit of a misunderstanding.
Clarence: That's what I thought.
Elton: Like yeah, I threatened to fight you… as a joke, like, “I’m gonna fight you”, but like, in a jokey way.
Clarence: Understandable, I once sent my cousin an envelope labelled "Anthrax" on the inside as a joke, it was hilarious!
Elton: I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke. Humour is so subjective these days. (Nice one Elton, you got out of that one)
Clarence: Anyway, I'll be off getting flowers, have fun discussing politics as you all somehow end up doing! Leaves
Emerald grabs her guitar and goes back into her room to rehearse for a few hours. Today's song is "Revolution." With a throat-tearing scream, she launches into the lyrics.
You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me in
Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Alright, alright
You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're all doing what we can
But if you want money for ponies with minds that hate
All I can tell you is sister you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Alright, alright, al...
You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You'd better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of Chaircat Meow
You ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Lady Hinesly idly wonders if Herder is free for a quick bit of plot housekeeping.
Herder checks their quest journal: Lady Hinesly would like to speak to Herder
Herder jogs around the map unable to find her because the map is shit
Herder has to keep pausing the game to recheck the map and work out where the hell she is
Lady Hinesly procedurally loops her idle animation
Herder throws their controller across the room in frustration, breaking it and glitching the character out once again
Herder contemplates the ambiguity of whether they are the player or the character
Herder has an existential crisis
Clarence: spawns in Hey Herder, I hear Lady Hinesly wants to speak to ya in the area with all the potted plants stuffed into one corner. despawns
Herder still reeling and smoking catnip to cope thanks Clarence and swans over to lady Hinesly You called Aristocat?
Hinesly: I can see you're, ah. She eyes the catnip. Enjoying yourself. So I'll be brief. How much for you to assassinate the Doctor tomorrow? Oh right, the ring. Excuse me.
Pchib: Walks past in the background. Gestures to another character off-screen. Loops idle animation a couple of times. Does the identical gesture in a different direction. Walks off camera.
Hinesly: Well! You will receive the ring upon successful execution of the Doctor tomorrow. They are sleeping a lot today, and I believe that if we were to act now, their strange regenerative abilities might nullify the attack. It's hard to say, though.
Herder: I should go. despawns, crashes the game
Kyla: is still in vigil over the Doctor, is staring in absolute confusion why everyone is acting like they're in a video game
Herder slouches and giggles Sure I can arrange an impromptu regeneration duuuuude
Pchib: First syllable of unrelated dialogue plays on repeat, distorted as it’s not meant to be loaded in this scenario. This happens a few times on repeat and makes me sound like I’m saying rude things I wasn’t programmed to. Dubstep remix of this is available online, went viral in 2018.
Hinesly: respawns No, what I mean is, kill them. No regeneration. Curtains. Two shots should do it.
Herder: Okie dokie karaoke, one Herder murder special coming right up
Hinesly: Fabulous. That will be all.
Kyla: gets up, pushes on the wall a bit, nothing happens. Jumps up and down, normal. Closes eyes, tries to "despawn". Nothing. Sits back down, holds head in hands "....am ...I... the only real person here?"
Herder: None of us are real when you truly think about it
Hinesly: Depends on your view on clones :)
Clarence: walks in like a normal person I think I’m real.
Kyla: No I thought about it, pretty sure I'm real. I'm definitely not a character in a game. looks into camera
Clarence: …. There’s nothing there, what are you looking at, kid?
The camera spins around Kyla and glitches as it collides with the wall, suddenly zooming unflatteringly into Kyla’s face
Kyla: Just staring off into space I guess. Long day.
Clarence: Understandable. You look more out of it than Herder over there points to Herder who is either glitched out or high or both
Kyla: ...so that's where my catnip went
Clarence: W-… why do you have catnip?
Hinesly wonders whether she should let Kyla's mother know that her daughter is hitting the catnip.
Kyla: My mom gave it to me.... for... someone else....
Pchib: Always good for children to be kept accountable to their parents if you ask me!
Hinesly: Ah. Well. Don't worry, Kyla. I'll find somewhere to put it.
Clarence: Oh right, I forgot about the Hinesly connection. Been too caught up lately… with Mike Truk… he stares off into the distance happily
Kyla: Who is Mike Truck?
Clarence: Baseball player… we’re just friends for now. Anyway, uh, don't do catnip, it fucks you up, I'm fairly certain that's how my last neighbor got into that cult with that Deuteronomy fella. See you around. Exits
Fourteen: wakes up
Kyla: DOCTOR!
Fourteen: SHOES!!!! WHERE ARE MY SHOES????
Kyla: OKAY! UH SHOES.... Well your old ones didn't fit anymore...
Fourteen: I need my shoes
Kyla: scrambles around "These ones?"
Fourteen: Yes!
Kyla: Here you go um, enjoy, or... whatever.
Fourteen: Grabs them, hugs them to himself, and falls back asleep
Kyla: Oh... uh. Guess those shoes were important to them.
Clarence: Pops up from behind some sort of potted tree that very much doesn't obscure him given he's an Elephant Did you get their pronouns?
Kyla: No, they fell asleep too fast sigh
Clarence: God damnit.
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] Shoes!! Perverting the course of human history! …… Adric, is that you? ……… Don’t eat lasagna…….. I just want a mate…
Kyla: ....a mate? they are not mating with me, that's for sure.
Clarence: whispers to Kyla Did they just say they just want to mate?
Kyla: They very much did, yes.
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] What’s the FLOOX?
Kyla: Floox? That sounds like a floor cleaner.
Emerald: Ew. Who eats floor cleaner?
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] Like breath… on a mirror……. sauntering away….
Kyla: I think they just want to know what's in the brandname's ingredients maybe, I don't think they want to eat it.... maybe its an enviromental thing. Also, I like Lasagna....
Clarence: I don't think anyone said they wanted to eat floor cleaner... God I had this roommate who was obsessed with lasagna, he'd eat it every day, it was madness. Hated him, he was always so pissy on Mondays for no reason.
Kyla: Oh, maybe they met him then! They do seem to be quite the traveller. It would be fun to see the universe, wouldn't it? I mean, I won't ever really get to unless I'm there on a mission, but it would be fun.
Clarence: I dunno, there's too much of it, I only have, like, five places I'd ever want to go to.
Kyla: Where would you go then, Clarence?
Clarence: Well... that was just an estimate. I'm currently still headed to Dismaland, apparently I messed up the timing with the tickets so I'm staying here for a few weeks before I can actually go. Vibecity isn't one of the places.
OH- Maybe I should ask Baseball player Mike Truk to come to Dismaland with me- I mean, it's not too quick, right? I still have a few weeks, I'll hold it for a couple of weeks, but still, who wouldn't want to go to "The Place that's Relatively Speaking Happier than Earth"?
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] Not too fast… her ankle’s going…
Kyla: ...maybe they wanted their shoes cause they have a weak ankle?
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] I need you to shut up…
Emerald: If I could go anywhere in the universe... actually, I can't think of other places. Maybe just hitch a ride on a passing ship and see where it takes me.
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] run, you clever boy… run…
Kyla: Who is this clever boy? Why are they running? I hope they're okay.
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] water… forest… river
Kyla: Well, rivers are usually made of water, even in forests. So I guess that makes sense.
Clarence: Well, if I remember Sigmund Flounder’s theories on dreams, water and rivers and forests all mean freedom, so they desire some sort of freedom… and the ankle would therefore be a hinderance to that freedom. What are they trying to free themselves from? I don’t know. They also want someone to shut up - Tilly mayhaps? I’d want her to shut up.
Emerald: Permanently? Yes please.
Clarence: Oh- maybe she’s the ankle! So the Doctor’s dreams are about how Tilly is stopping them from being truly free (because she’s a bitch). Not sure where the Lasagna fits in.
Kyla: I still wonder who it is they want to mate with, that could be an issue when they wake up, so everyone just pretend we didn't hear that to make things less awkward, yeah? I think they're just tired of Italian food, probably just need a variety.
Clarence: What’s an Italian? Whatever. But yes, I agree with the not mentioning it part… [he speaks a bit louder] unless someone wants to pay me for the information. [he looks around the room. No takers yet.]
Kyla: starts doing some bicep curls with some weights she grabbed from her room she'd been keeping under the chair An Italian is... um.... I don't know honestly I just know it relates to pasta somehow.
Emerald: Back home we have the nation of Bitaly... maybe that's what they mean? Emerald shrugs. I wish Twilight was here, she'd probably know.
Suddenly, Clarence looks up from his notebook Wait, why am I watching someone sleep, that's weird. he leaves
Fourteen: [Talking in sleep] Elton… fetch a spade! …
Kyla: gets a deck of cards, sets an ace of spades on the Doctor's chest