What Happens Tomorrow

Elton: Spaceport Vibe City is interrupted by an impromptu appearance by Graham Norton

Piglet: AAAA! A WOOZLE!

Tilly: WHERE?

Emerald: What's a Woozle?

Clarence: I think it's a drink.

Piglet: … oh, sorry, I was just frightened! Um, Mr Elton, your friend isn’t a woozle, is he? … is he?

Clarence: Mutters in Emeralds general direction Actually, maybe it's a slur.

Piglet: … what’s a slur?

Pchib: I don't use slurs in my writing unless it's historical accuracy or an uncritical continuity reference. Then all bets are off!!

Clarence: Oh, uh, you heard me, shi- uh, shoot, uh, nothing, Piglet, don't worry about it, 

Piglet: Oh, alright!

Elton: Oh no, he’s definitely a woozle. King of the Woozles actually

Herder: Dear God Piglet get a damn dictionary

Elton: I have a thesaurus. In fact, I’ve read it so many times, I’ve memorised it. You can name any word in the book and I’ll be able to tell you another that means the same. Except for one. For some reason, Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Piglet: What’s a dictionary?? Oh dear, oh dear... Well… I suppose there’s always something new to learn! 🙂

Herder: That’s the spirit pipsqueak

Clarence: Why use a Dictionary, just google it. 

Herder: Listen Piglet, I’m sorry if I come across as a little… harsh sometimes. I can tell you’re a good soul, if painfully naive and a liability in the event of armed revolution. No hard feelings eh?

Clarence: Even angels can have filthy souls sometimes

Herder: Oh I’m well aware of that pal. But I want to show I can play nice, occasionally

Pchib: Angels have no souls, children have no times, and systems have no problems.

Piglet, to Herder: Of course not! 🙂 thank you for saying that 🙂

Herder: Sniffles and wipes away a single tear I think I have something in my eye, excuse me…

Tilly, to Pchib: So true bestie :) Although sometimes, I think maybe angels do have souls after all... I like to see the good in people :)

Thirteen: Yes, it’s so important to see the good in people! I can see the good in you, Tilly, even if you can’t see it yourself.

Tilly: Aw, that's such a thoughtful thing to say! 🥰 .......I think maybe you're not so bad yourself either 👀

Thirteen: Of course I’m not bad! I’m the iconic Doctor!

Tilly: So true!

Thirteen: In some ways, you remind me of my wife. She used to be a psychopath, but she learned to see the good in herself and in other people, and grew into a wonderful person.

Tilly: Oh, you... you have a wife?

Thirteen: Well… tenses are difficult when you’re a time traveller. She’s dead now, but then, she actually died the first time I met her, and that didn’t stop us having a long and loving relationship afterwards. I haven’t seen her recently, though. We consider our relationship to be open, nowadays.

Tilly: I..... see... That sounds so...... modern

Thirteen: Do you? I can draw up a handy flowchart if you need, time travel can be quite confusing!

Tilly: Hahaha, no need, I'm not an idiot! 🤣 😤 🤣

Thirteen: Of course you’re not!

Tilly: Glad we cleared that up, haha! Ha.

Clarence seems to have been walking by, followed by another elephant... how many times he's done that to catch glimpses of conversations is anyone's guess.

She's simply a MALICIOUS BIT- the other elephant stops him before walking him away

Tilly: Hey Clarry! Piss off! Haha! 🥺

Hinesly sidles up to Tilly and the Doctor, flute glass of champagne in paw. She smiles knowingly. Ah, darlings. Are we having a nice day? A pleasant chinwag?

Pchib, to Tilly: This Doctor person could be an angel. I think that would make a terrific cliffhanger.

Tilly: So true! I was thinking that she reminded me of an angel myself! But her approach to relationships is... very unusual, ya know? Not very angelic, haha!

Pchib: Indeed! But she’s so iconic whenever she does anything, I decree it so!

Tilly: Not as iconic as The Great Sweat, though! And don't forget that! Lol! to Hinesly Oh hey there Hinesly! Totally normal day, yep, how's the business? 😂

Hinesly: Stellar as ever, dear. Stellar as ever. And can I just say, you and the Doctor are so cute together.

Pchib: Does the Great Sweat need support? I could introduce a new addition to the cast: The Grand Sweatpant

Tilly, to Hinesly: Hahaha what does that even mean? Actually, I don't even care! I'm too busy, oop! to Pchib Hahaha, so funny! But if you slander the name of The Great Sweat, I'll have no choice but to execute you on the spot!

Hinesly: Ah, excuse me! So it wouldn't trouble you if some terrible fate befell the Doctor 😹

Pchib: I would never say anything bad about a current authority figure. Haven’t you seen my writing? It’s always respectful to the current way of things.

Tilly, to Hinesly: Hahaha, like what? Rofl!

Hinesly: I wouldn't know. Let me know if you change your mind about that planning permission, by the way!

Tilly, to Pchib: Yay! This is why I like you, Pchib! You really know your place! Such a cool example to millions!

Emerald’s door is locked as she’s busy rehearsing. Today’s song is something Thirteen might find familiar.

Tilly, to Hinesly: Totes! Although, I won't! Cos that's out of my hands! 🙌 🙌

Hinesly: She sips her champagne. Of course it is.

Thirteen: What does “together” mean?

Hinesly: Standing next to each other, of course :)

Herder, to Tilly: Then why haven’t you executed me yet??? Threats don’t work unless you deliver Tillywilly

Pchib: Look out Tilly, it’s someone abusing the system!!

Retsukaggro: Electric guitar plays in the distance

Death metal scream 

WANNA CHILL IN VIBE CITY

BUT THE BOSS MAN WON'T LET ME

GOT BILLS TO PAY

GOT ACCOUNTS TO WRITE

FUCK! MY! LIIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEEE!

door opens

Hey guys! Sorry I've been gone a few days. What did I miss?

Thirteen: Oh, hi there!

Tilly, to Herder: So true bestie! But I just think you have real potential to serve the Empire! We're all capable of growth and change, and that includes you! :D

Clarence: cheers on the song in the far distance

Thirteen: Omg so true! We’re all capable of the most incredible change!

Tilly: Yeah!!!

Thirteen, to Retsu: Since the beginning of the universe? That’s a long story.

Tilly, to Retsu: Oh wow hey, new pal! Welcome to VibeCity, the happiest place in the universe! :)))

Pchib, to Retsu: A bit on the nose. You want to be more subtle about how you’re feeling, like characters who are written by me. They will stand still and talk about it to each other as the action pauses to accommodate them.

Herder, to Tilly: Just because I wear black and red armour and abuse my position as a high ranking member of the military being quick to turn to violence and insult everyone I come across?  Give me a break

Retsu, to Tilly: I sure could use a happy place right now. What have you got to offer?

Tilly, to Herder: Being quick to violence and abusing your position is gonna be such good experience in the Imperial Space Corps! to Retsu Wow, well, we have all the commodities you may desire, right at your fingertips, at very reasonable prices! Food, clothing, random objects that don't do much... anything you want to buy is here! And if you don't have the funds, we can loan you work credits on very reasonable rates! Yay! CONSUMPTION IS JOY!

Herder: Well jokes on you I only abuse my power for myself! Which is to say a good and noble cause because I hate authority that isn’t my own

Tilly: See, just replace the word "myself" with "The Great Sweat" and you'll be a totally valuable asset! Ya know, serving in the Imperial Space Corps is FUN! They'll even pay for your college tuition in exchange for a guarantee of lifetime service! It's a great career path for anybody!

Herder: Ummm hard pass

Tilly: So sad! Let me know if you change your mind!

Herder: Will do Tillywillynillysillybillyfilly

Tilly: Haha I'm so chilled out that you calling my childish names doesn't bother me at all!

Kyla: I'm in one of the Clone Knight orders, which is fairly similar, and its not so bad! You're simply bound to never leave the Great Sweat's service for all eternity, and in exchange, you get free protein shakes.

Retsu, to Tilly: I'll have a booth at the kareoke bar, if that's okay

Tilly: No problem! That'll be three credits

Retsu: sigh sure, I guess

steps into kareoke booth

death metal scream

CREEPY VIBES

THIS LADY GIVES ME CREEPY VIBES

WANT TO TAKE MY MIND OFF WORK

BUT ALL I'M GETTING IS CREEPY VIBES

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH

steps out of booth

Thanks. That was... helpful!

Tilly: So glad you enjoyed making use of our services! Would you like to pay now, or later? Please be aware that interest is charged on delayed payments! :)

Retsu: Here's your money pays

Tilly: Thank you! It's a pleasure doing business! :D

Piglet: Oh, h-h-hello, Retsukaggro! You have a lovely voice! Sorry, I don’t know how I got into this booth! Can anyone hear me? I can’t get out! … oh, the handle’s here! Let me jump for it!

Retsu: Goddamit, I left my microphone behind, just want to get home and watch anime, is that too much to ask... opens booth door

Piglet: Oof!

Retsu: oh! hello there

Piglet: Hi! I’m Piglet!

Retsu: I'm Retsuk- how long have you been in there

Piglet: Oh, why, I don’t know! I just stopped paying attention for a while, and then here I was! People talk a lot around here, it’s hard to keep up! So sometimes I just sort of nap. Or daydream! Oh, I hope they don’t mind!

Retsu: oh! okay! th-that's fine. Of course that's fine! Why wouldn't that be fine

Piglet: Oh, do you think so? That’s a relief! 🙂It’s good to meet you!

Retsu: listen... could you do me a favour, and not tell anyone what you heard me singing in there?

Elton: If you have a voice Resukaggro, you should share it! We could even do a duet

Retsu: voice? Who said anything about that? I don't sing! Not at all!

Elton: Awww. I used to have a group of friends I’d sing with. Used to 😦

Because it's all gone wrong, Tilly, ever since you turned up. We used to come here every week, and we'd have a laugh. We were friends. No wonder they stopped coming. I mean, there's no Kiki Dee any more, and even Ed Sheeran, he hasn't turned up 😥

Tilly: That's a bit harsh, Elton! Haven't we just had the most Fun and Vibey time together in VibeCity, the happiest place in the universe? You ungrateful shit! Hahaha! 🤣

Elton: I’m sorry Tilly, but you’re on your own, because I am leaving! And so is everyone else. You’re all coming with me. We’re going to Milliways and we’re all going to have a meal.

Tilly, good luck. Goodbye.

* Elton walks out *

…Shit, forgot my keyboard.

Thirteen: You okay there, Tilly?

Tilly: Oh, fuck off then, on you go! I don't want to see your fucking face again!!! to Thirteen Yeah I'm fine haha how bout u

Thirteen: I’m always alright!

Tilly: That's soooo great to hear! Hey listen Doctor. I've been thinking about what you said before. About your "open relationship". I admire that sooooo much! I really do! I really want you to know that! But, uh. Is that something you're gonna be committed to indefinitely? Cos. Um/ I'm just spitballing here/ But I have this weird feeling that The Great Sweat wouldn't like it, ya know. And that's the only reason I ask. No other reason

Thirteen: What the Great Sweat doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right? Anyway, I’m not a citizen of the Venusian Empire. I’m just a traveller. Passing through.

Tilly: You're... You're not a citizen?

Thirteen: No, I’m just a traveller.

Tilly: Oh. I see. Do you have your papers with you?

Thirteen: Yes produces psychic paper

Tilly: It says here that you're the chief inspector! But... that can't be true! I know the chief inspector personally! ...Are you impersonating an imperial officer?

Thirteen: That’s not right… takes psychic paper back, communicates with it psychically, then hands it back to Tilly I think you misread.

Tilly: Oh yes, that all seems to be in order! My mistake! Although.... The marital status section is interesting! Sooooo interesting! Wow!

Thirteen breathes a sigh of relief. Thirteen rescinds the sigh of relief

Tilly: How many times have you been married? Cos it says here......

Thirteen: A few? Look, I’m over 2000 years old, it’s hard to keep track.

Tilly: 2000!? You don't look it!

Thirteen: I moisturize.

Tilly: You must spend a lot of time doing that. A deceptively long time. .....how can you be 2000 and look like that? It doesn't add up! Moisturizer only gets you so far! Are you... Are you trying to trick me? Ensnare me in your siren's trap!?

Thirteen: I have the power of regeneration.

Tilly: The power of what!?

Thirteen: Regeneration. When one body gets too worn out, I regenerate into a new one.

Tilly: Oh, I see. You're always a woman, I suppose?

Thirteen: No.

Tilly: Oh

Thirteen: … you okay there Tilly?

Tilly: So you could just... turn into a man? At any moment?

Thirteen: Theoretically. Only if this body wears out, or if I die. I have no control over what gender I turn in to. It’s a bit funny, this process - I could end up with two heads or no head.

Tilly: For some reason, I find this an alarming prospect. How can I possibly trust you, knowing that this could happen!? That you could become someone else!? Someone who might not even be... a woman!?

Thirteen: Although it also sort of feels like becoming a different person.

Tilly: So... you've deceived me!? All this time, I thought I was talking to one person, but you might become someone else!?

Thirteen: Well, I don’t have any plans on becoming a different person any time soon. Unless I get mortally injured.

Tilly: I see. How long would your natural lifespan last ordinarily, then? As long as mine? Just hypothetically

Thirteen: In all honesty I’m not quite sure. I often get mortally injured before I reach the end of my body’s natural lifespan. The last time I reached the end of my body’s natural lifespan, I think it was around 500 years? Barring accidents.

Tilly: In what context would there be accidents?

Thirteen: Like if I get mortally injured. I seem to be quite a danger magnet. The Master is often to blame.

Tilly: Who's that?

Thirteen: My archenemy who used to be my best friend.

Tilly: That sounds...... homoerotic??

Thirteen: I mean sometimes yeah, but lately we’ve been opposite genders

Tilly: So, heteroerotic?? IS THIS AN AFFAIR DOCTOR

Thirteen: I suppose that would be the word. No affair, just sexual tension. Although I did keep her in a vault for 100 years.

Tilly: Oh, so you already HAVE someone to have unstated sexual tension with, do you!? You even have a VAULT!?

Emerald comes out of her room, waving to the Doctor and Tilly. Hi Doc, hi Fashy. What’s new?

Tilly: Piss off, we're trying to have a conversation!

Emerald: Yeah, I know! She wiggles her ears. I heard you through the wall! Nice to know you’re transphobic and homophobic, Fashy! Now I have two more reasons to hate you!

Tilly: ACTUALLY I FULLY SUPPORT WOMEN HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH ME

I MEAN WITH OTHER WOMEN. AND I FULLY SUPPORT PEOPLE TRANSITIONING

I JUST DON'T WANT THE DOCTOR TO DO THAT, BECAUSE---

I'm not sure why

NOW FUCK OFF AND STOP JUDGING ME, HORSEFACE!

Thirteen: Oh, Tilly. I didn’t realise you were interested in me, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but dating is not really something that I do. But if I was going to do it with anyone - well, it’d be you.

Tilly: You... What! What the fuck!! THAT'S CONTROLLING BULLSHIT! YOU'RE A FUCKING EMOTIONAL ABUSER, IS WHAT YOU ARE! EAT LASER!

In a frothing rage, Tilly shootsthe Doctor with her laser gun!

Thirteen: YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT staggers backwards Hands and face glow Now you’re - going to see - what I meant - about - regeneration...

Tilly: Oh shit

LOUD ICONIC MURRAY GOLD MUSIC

The Doctor’s face changes. Her earring falls off as the piercing closes.

Kyla: drops protein shake in the distance

Quite suddenly, the Doctor now looks like David Tennantwith an impressive beard.

Fourteen: licks lips Old teeth, that’s weird. Sees himself in a mirror What? What?! WHAT??!! passes out

Tilly: Oh no! You ARE a fucking man! Shit! I was hoping for a woman who would't reject my advances 😭 I mean what

camera pans, Clarence is rapidly updating his notes, very confused

Herder: Fuck me sideways in a badly rendered cutscene

Emerald raises an eyebrow. We sure don’t have that back in Equestria.

Kyla: ....she... she turned into a different person??

Emerald: Eeyup.

Tilly: And, uhhhhh... let that be a warning to you all not to cross me!

Herder: Oh nevermind that, they got Tilly to break her charade?!?

Clarence: Sort of looks like David Tennant if he wasn’t a duck or rich.

Kyla: Who is David and what home is he renting?

Retsu, to Tilly: I'm not sure you know what emotional abuse is

Tilly: Emotional abuse is when people give me MIXED SIGNALS! 😤

Retsu: I'm not sure you know what mixed signals are, either

Kyla: ...Are you okay, Doctor? Can we help in any way? How are you feeling?

Tilly: Oh, it's all "are you ok, Doctor" and "can we help, Doctor?", but it's never "how are you, TILLY?"

Well I'm FINE, thanks for asking!!!

Emerald: Last I checked, you’re the one who got yourself into this mess in the first place.

Tilly: This wouldn't have happened at all if the Doctor hadn't been so attractive! I MEAN DECEPTIVE

Fourteen: is asleep

Kyla: Moves the Doctor onto a sofa

Herder, with a thousand-yard stare, muttering to themselves I… missed it. I missed this glorious moment! Missed the glee of watching Tilly’s sickly facade snap! 

Sniffs This is worse than that time I accidentally skipped the cutscene where my love interest professes their undying feelings for me so I unwittingly broke his heart and twelve hours of story later he died in a giant shrimp attack because I hadn’t successfully completed his loyalty mission and I didn’t want to go through forty hours of gameplay again so I sat in my shower and wept until my tears flooded the entire captain’s quarters and my space hamster Fred drowned

Kyla: Puts icepack on the Doctor's head. Well... hopefully this isn't too much of a shock. Honestly, weird though that they get multiple unique bodies most of my family has the same off the shelf model.

Emerald, to Tilly: I’m not the one with an itchy trigger finger! You gonna kill me too?

Kyla: pulls up a chair and waits by the Doctor to make sure nothing else troublesome happens health wise.

Tilly: I'm sure it won't come to that, as long as you follow the fucking rules

Emerald: Whatever you say. goes off to sit next to Kyla and the Doctor, glaring every now and then at Tilly.

Pchib: Please don’t kill me! Otherwise I’ll turn into that pretender Russell T Kennedy.

Clarence, to Herder: Ah, I see you've also had bad run-ins with Love... well, things will get better! I met this guy this morning and we've been hanging out and... well, I think I've found love again! I can finally stop depending on alcohol as a substitute for being truly happy!

Tilly: Fuck love! None of you need love!!

Clarence: You weren’t saying that on Tuesday, you murderous harpy

Meglos: Impossible, or simply beyond your comprehension?

Kyla: Oh, good day Sexy Meglos. I hope you're... feeling very sexy today, or... trails off something. Um, I suppose beyond my comprehension. I'm learning about a lot of new things here in this place.

Tilly: Oh, hello... "Sexy Meglos"? That's quite the name to live up to, haha! :|

Meglos: Precisely. Precisely.

Hinesly: walks in, sees the Doctor How... cosmopolitan. How did this happen?

Tilly: Just girl stuff 🥰

Kyla: Oh, right, I suppose sudden and aggravated violence is girl stuff! After all that's what me and my sisters were trained for.

Tilly: So true bestie

Pchib: Until one of you wasn’t one.

Kyla: With all due respect, I will only be sure that the Doctor isn't still a girl until I hear it from their own lips.

Hinesly: Can anyone explain to me why that Doctor is... gestures ... Scottish.

Clarence: They got- wait, actually, how much would you pay for this information?

Hinesly: How about this: I pay you zero credits and you stay on my good side :)

Clarence: Alright, point taken: they got shot

Hinesly: And does that-- ah, some sort of born-again trick. Very well. That throws a spanner in my plans. Which I did not have.

All the same: I wonder what would happen if one were to shoot the Doctor, say... twice.

Strictly academic interest, of course.

Pchib: I get not having plans. The trick is pretending you always did anyway and that you’re just too subtle for the average audience member’s intelligence to notice it. Maybe we tie them down, force them to change multiple times, and randomly claim this is all about adoption?!!??????

Hinesly: We'll... jot that down as option 1. Can't claim to have much experience with ropes.

Herder: Is that a proposition?

Pchib: If anyone has any better ideas I’d love to hear it. But they don’t, because I’m the best at what I do.

Clarence: I think they said something about this being something that happens, so presumably this will happen again

Herder: If someone needs shooting I’m your cat, just ask Elton

Hinesly: She smiles demurely, tongue poking out. I take it this Doctor is getting on your nerves.

Clarence: whispers I think everyone gets on their nerves

Hinesly: That simply makes her a flexible markswoman.

Herder: Everyone gets on my nerves, but especially milquetoast centrists

Pchib: The commander is sure getting on my nerves. I’d be interested to write a story exploring the history of that character. Ideally it’s told by dropping them through their own timeline as contemporaries fill-in for the bit parts to save hiring a new cast. 

Kyla: Thank goodness i have strongly brainwashed beliefs then, whew.

Hinesly, to Herder: What's your going rate for two shots to the base of the neck?

Clarence: A vampire could do that in one go.

Hinesly: I... suppose so, yes!

Herder: An abundant and tantalising promised reward that turns out to be some measly personal keepsake of yours that is worth ten credits and is of no material use to me 

Hinesly: I can do you much better than that. I can offer you a ring, a family heirloom of the Hinesly Brood which I will not offer further detail upon at this time.

Kyla: mumbles ...Best not tell mom about that bit.

Hinesly: whispering Quiet, Kyla! I don't want Herder to know that it's a worthless bauble of no value to anyone.

Herder does not yet respond because they accidentally unplugged their PlayStation

sighs Commander! Plug IN the PlayStation 2! Plug IN the PlayStation 2!

Kyla: "I'm more of an Xbox girl myself..."

Clarence: I thought they were PS4…. They were very high definition

Hinesly: She grabs Herder and shakes her It's me, girl! Plug in the PS5! Speaking to you from inside your brain! It's not working... She sets Herder down. Well. Nevertheless.

Clarence: Just leave them. Cats usually only do this when they’re really really bugged out.

Herder is now an inanimate character model clipping partially into the wall

Hinesly: You just can't get good help anymore.

Clarence: Don’t worry everyone, it’s just a feature.

Herder’s tail is now glitching out and is spinning around and stretching like a helicopter blade

awkwardly tries to move Herder's model onto a sofa as well, with limited success as she gets whacked in the face repeatedly by her tail

Clarence moves them into a safe corner by just sort of walking into them as he’s unable to pick up physics objects

Fourteen: wakes up MY HEAD IS FREEZING! WHY IS MY HEAD FREEZING?! WHO PUT AN ICE PACK ON MY HEAD?! throws ice pack across the room

Kyla: Doctor! how are you feeling? I put the ice pack there, because you were shot with a gun!

Fourteen: Ah, that’s better. Falls asleep

Kyla: ...,D---Doctor? ...darn it.

Pchib: Dammit Hinesly, why’d you let the Doctor fall asleep again?!!??

Clarence: Can someone let me know what the Doctor’s pronouns are when they wake up?

Hinesly, to Kyla: Why did you put ice on that poor Doctor's head? They could have frozen to death. scoffs, to Pchib Excuse me! I should have kept them awake and alert, because I'm invested in their continued survival.

Kyla: When I'm sick our mother always reaches out a tentatcle and gives us an ice pack, I thought it would be helpful!

Pchibs: Exactly Hinz! I’m calling you Hinz because we’re mates, and I’m taking you at face value with no hidden depth because people don’t have those when I’m around.

Hinesly, to Kyla: She always was too soft. to Pchib Quite right, Pch'.

Pchib: Excuse me, my full title is The Mighty Pchib and I expect you to use it!!

Kyla: Also--general announcement!!! Whatever pronouns the Doctor decides when they wake up, you use them or I'll CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF! ...Thanks for your time. sits down

Hinesly: That's nice, dear.

Clarence: Well of course I would, like, why wouldn't I? It's easier than getting them wrong half the time.

Emerald cheers! Hear hear! Transgender individuals unite! Down with the Cistem!

Clarence: Trans rights! he then leaves the under-described room